WEAPON AWESOMENESS: SLEEVE WEAPONS!

Shirt sleeves are so useless most of the time.  I mean all of my shirts are sleeveless, gym shirts, work shirts, wedding shirts, funeral shirts, sleeping, eating, swimming pool shirts.  I just can’t see a good reason to cover these pythons.  Until yesterday.  I got in to a knife fight with some guy.  He had nothing.  Just stupid fists and a shit long sleeved dumb ass shirt. I laughed for about 35 seconds in his face with my pocket knife waving in his face.  Then he smiled and “swhhoooommmmmp” (onimonipea) and giant swords came flying out of his shirts! HE WASN’T EVEN WOLVERINE!  I lost, it goes without saying.  So, I am laying in the hospital this morning, licking my wounds and thinking, how did he do that?  … Then like a ray of light from the Dawn….Those fucking sleeves are good for something.  Hiding Weapons, and I love my weapons.

That's what I get for picking a fight with the guy from Hell Boy.

So i’ve healed, fast healer, like a cat.  I strapped a couple swords under my shirt.  Got ready to pick a fight.  This time, I went to a Mexican Cantina. Lovely little joint.  Mariachi music playing in the background, I take a Sol and sat and waited for somebody, who A) would fight me, then B) I could win.  So this punk ass little pretty boy walks in and steps on my toe.

Direct Quote From Me – “hey? what the heck!”

Him – “some word in spanish”

Me – “……”

Him – “Lo Siento”

Me – “Ohhh well fuck you too”. Swords pop out, commence laughing.

Him – “sccchhhhwwippp ( more noises that sound like their spelled ) GUNS? WHAT THE FUCK!

Maybe I have misjudged this pretty guitar playing man. Crap x2.

I gotta stop fighting guys from movies already.  I saw Clubber Lang and ran the other way.  He didn’t have sleeves but I guarantee he has a laser cannon hidden in his mohawk.

What do I do? Here is what I did tonight, after my bullet wounds healed.  Yea wound-s plural.  Jerk shot my 6 times.

I went to Burma, smuggled a tiger out of the country, strapped a Mini Gun on it’s head and stuck it in my pant leg.  Who wants a piece? You Antonio Banderas? Didn’t think so.

Bring it.

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Awesome Song of The Day #101

Annie Lennox

Walking On Broken Glass

(Guest starring John Malkavich)

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WEAPON AWESOMENESS: CATAPULTS!

The ancients were really something special.  They tore your guts out when mad at you.  The burned you alive for maybe just possibly being a witch or just a jerk in general.  You had to walk to the middle east just to get killed violently with sharp stuff for god.  Pretty cool houses though…and by houses I mean castles.  Castles were/are cool because of all the jumping you can do in them.

Dragon + Castle = somebody's gonna need a nap today!

The castle was made to be impregnable, I am pretty sure none of them ever got pregnant … not even once. Although knights certainly tried.  So what are you to do as a marauding army of  English guys with swords?  You can’t scale the walls, hot tar on your face.  You can’t run through it, stone is some tough shit.  You certainly didn’t have stealth bombers quite yet.

Problem Solved. Lets take a bucket and throw giant rocks at it.  Maybe even light that shit on fire.  Catapults are fucking sweet because those idiots in their castle said this exact quote, “ha, you can’t get in…blah blah blah, we are English gentlemen”.  So the other guys, probably also British, I think all knights stuff only happened in british places, plus I don’t like to research, were like maybe we can string some rope…  Put a guy with a horse and sword in it and throw them into the castle to open the door.  So they tried it.  He hit the wall and died.  The horse, yep impaled on something.  Gross… the only other volunteers they could get were rocks.  So they went that route.  Sucks that you spend all this time building a sweet castle and all they other team has to do is throw giant burning rocks from just far enough away and your straight F’ed.

The Spoonapult ... I use this to attack soup thats hiding in a bread bowl.

Who knew the catapult had so many parts.  After rope and bucket I was lost.  Apparently they have wheels so you can ride one to work.

Catapult

I am a big fan of the fact that the easiest part of any of this image to identify are the ropes attaching the various dodads to each other and they have a (?) next to it.  Somehow the artist of this drawing isn’t quite sure what a rope is. But hey he is super jazzed about the wheels so I will let it slide.

End

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Awesome Song of The Day #93

Neon Indian

Deadbeat Summer

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WEAPON AWESOMENESS: TANKS!

Hand to hand combat blows, air to air combat…boring, space to space…next level shit, I will admit that.  But honestly, why are all wars not fighted with tanks.

Poor countries tanks are white compact cars with an okay grille...sorry estonia... you suck!

New rules of war… Each country gets 1 tank.  You can’t afford a tank then you lose World War Tanks.  Tough shit Estonia those are the rules.  Each country can pick their crew for their tank.  I am in charge of tank crews… why? Because Barack Obama said so…that’s why.  He trust my tank crew building abilities.

US TANK CREW

1) Nick Cage – Admiral.  Little known factoid.  A+ tank driver

2) Bob Ross – Targeting systems – just gets landscapes + he would paint the camo on it, with at least 1 happy tree.

3) The Wu Tang Clan – 8 dudes to do other such things like explosions, gas getting and tank top closing.  It looks hard to close a tank top, I wish they had screw tops that makes more sense.

4) Gavin Rosdale – what? He would play acoustic versions of Bush Songs in the background… duh Soothing to the other war heroes.

thats all I need

Bob Ross took 5 seconds and drew us a tank!

Just brings tears to the eyes. Why did Bob Ross have to die in a tragic tank war accident?

Tanks are huge! and metal! and shoot explosions at terrorists.  Soon tanks will fly and float.  If i were a submarine, which I am not, I would be scared of tanks underwater.  They would be like dolphins of the war world.  Smart and adorable, but deadly…

It’s 3 degrees here… dear christ this sucks.

End

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Awesome Song of The Day #78

Meat Loaf – I’d Do Anything for Love ( not the whole thing but good)

This song is dedicated to Aaron Nation.  Enjoy.

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