Archive for tony danza


Posted in Awesome, awesome song of the day, awesomness, blog, comedy, Humor, memories with tags , , , , , , , on April 8, 2012 by tsanda

There is a saying that cleanliness is next to godliness.  Which is weird because Jesus was basically a hobo and if my local hobo pals are any indication they are as far from cleanliness as possible.  I would argue that cleanliness is not next to godliness.  Paddle boats are.  What did the son of god do that was really neato? Turn water into wine? No, wine is gross. Fish and bread for the masses? No, Arby’s sells enough fish sandwiches to feed the world and nobody worships Arby’s (in public…)  Cast some demons into pigs?  I am pretty convinced that pigs are already demons so I am not so impressed with that one.  Walking on water? Yup. Bingo. That’s the one.  Ever get your socks wet and not have a dry pur to change into.  Isn’t that about the worst day ever? Jesus never got those sandals wet. How can we as lowly mortals,  (you highlanders out there, need not read further), obtain some level of godliness? You read it earlier.  Paddle boats!

Paddle Boat, American Pants

Whoa, I think the America Pants might just win this photo.

Basically just walking on water.  But actually way better.  A gentle recline on water.  Stay dry? Check.  Enjoy a midsummers eve? Check.  Hold your best friends hand while gently traversing Lake Loveland and talking about space? Brings a little tear to your eye to think about how much gentle slow moving relaxation can be had on a paddle boat.  Ever had a huge argument with your significant other while paddle boating? Didn’t think so.  Even if they told you they were cheating on you with Tony Danza.  You wouldn’t even be a little angry.

A Highlander: I think you might be a little angry.

Me: Highlander, I thought I told you to stop reading this!

Highlander: Well the quickening hasn’t happened yet, so I needed something to kill some time.

Me: Jeez fine.  Why wouldn’t you be angry? 1. It is impossible to be mad while paddle boating.  It is the physical manifestation of chicken soup for the soul. 2. Who could be mad at Tony Danza? He’s way better than I am, I would be mad if you weren’t cheating on me with The Boss.

Tony Danza

Hey man, I'm sorry I banged your girl. Are you kidding? That's awesome. You should have let me watch!

Midnight paddle boating! Have you ever paddle boated with the devil in the pale moon light? Talk about romantic. I proposed to some babe at night in a paddle boat.  I wrote Will You Marry Me? in rose pedals in the middle of a lake and paddled her out there.  Couldn’t really see it very well because it was night and those things apparently don’t have any headlights, also I guess water does this moving thing, so the next day there was just a jumble of pedals.  But she sure was impressed when I told her about it.

Make sure you don’t get hit by a boat though. Apparently a lightless, noiseless, small paddle boat is a fun target for a jet boat.  You have to play your cards right.  So that jet boat just cuts the paddleboat in half between the two riders. Great story.  Small scare. I just call it great fodder for the next paddle boat adventure.

If I could choose anybody to paddleboat with? My dog.

I can teach you to sit but I can't teach you to paddle? I'm sick of going in circles! Even this kid we found isn't helping.

Sigh.  I wish I was Paddle boating…






Posted in Actors, Animals, Awesome, Humor, Monsters with tags , , , , , , on September 28, 2009 by tsanda

So get this image, no copyright, you sit down to eat a picnic.  Your family and puppy are with you.  You have a pic-a-nic basket full of ba-low-knee sandwiches and some welches grapefruit juice boxes.

Why did you put the sandwiches in a bowl you asshole! another picnic ruined!

Why did you put the sandwiches in a bowl you asshole! another picnic ruined!

You put down your blanket and say a prayer.  Something like, “Dear Jesus thank you for being God.  The End.  Bye, and PS I want a puppy.  Then God answers – “douche with the ugly family, I’m God not Santa…” Then you open your eyes and your dog is running away and you wonder where is Timmy? Your wife screams and you realize you sat on a TRAP DOOR! and a spider just ate your sandwiches … well and your son… but you were really hungry!

I am a Trap Door Spider and I love Sandwiches

I am a Trap Door Spider and I love Sandwiches

So, I don’t go anywhere near the outside for 3 reasons.

1) Trap Door Spiders – you never know when you are going to fall into the depths of the planet and get violently raped by a giant spider.  Or get spider web on your face. I know that is soooo annnoying!

2) Y2K – wait a tick, that shit is long over! The world didn’t end! Ahhh I owe Tony Danza 50 bucks.  Damnit.

3) Trap Door Spiders – I know that’s #1 but they have trap doors! You will never know where that shit could be! Find the trap door here.



Look at the trap door spider.  Hairy, leggy, spidery, hidey, trapdoory, eats human babies and unicorns.  Yea, fact. Unicorns were extinct by trap door spiders.  I would bet Tony Danza 50 bucks that Trap Door Spiders are radioactive and can fly too… If you have a video of a trap door spider flying and glowing green send to me, I need to win some bucks back from the trash collecting field goal kicker family movie guy.

AWESOME SONG OF THE DAY #56 (aka how did I wait so long!)

Bebeee booo bee bee boop boop beee bee bee boop boop boop beeep beeeep booop booop beee be bbeee boppp dee dee deep boop booop (repeat 100x)


What are they running from? Trap door spiders.  Duh.