ANIMAL AWESOMENESS: KOALA BEARS!

So cute.

Ahhhhh. Nature's Pillow.

Like me of the mini bear world. Wait! Fact check! Give me a pause………….

I am back, Professor Wikipedia, has informed yet again I am wrong and the English Language is full of shit.

Koala Bears are not in fact bears.  The name has fooled me for years and years and years and years. Maybe Koala Marsupial just didn’t sound right.  I think its got a cathy ring to it, and honesty is the best policy, thats what Momma TsandA always said. Until I found out that she was a double agent from Moscow trying to steal all my secrets…. can’t trust anybody not even the Koala.

You know what really makes them awesome.  Big doughey eyes? No, but close those do get me everytime.  The little button nose? No silly we aren’t talking about me.  The giant razor sharp claws that are supposed to be on a dragon not an actual Ewok. Yepppp. Look at these beasts!

Claws of a El Chupacabra? They freeekin wish.

Holy balls, they are so redic that they only need 3! (as far as I know that’s a guess this picture only shows 3 so they only have 3 toes)

The uses for these? Peeling fruits. Climbing Trees. Slashing other dirt bag Koalas in the grill when they step.  For real though, Im not even sure tigers want any piece of that.  That’s were they get you.

Koala – “Ahhh look at me I am cute as can be”

Tiger – “nice, gonna eat you bitch”

Swiping noise

Tiger – dead.

Koala then eats the Tiger while starring at the Tiger’s family and just points with one of those claws “don’t step”

Full of Tiger Meat. Look at the gnarly scar on the face! that's from Koala gang fighting. Truth.

Don’t judge a book by its cover.  Because that book could eat your tiger.

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Awesome Song of the Day #109

was a debate today, Rural Alberta Advantage is pretty sweet, but we’ve been without some rap for a minute.

The Clipse Ft. Camron (produced by the Neptunes)

Popular Demand (popeyes)

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WEAPON AWESOMENESS: SLEEVE WEAPONS!

Shirt sleeves are so useless most of the time.  I mean all of my shirts are sleeveless, gym shirts, work shirts, wedding shirts, funeral shirts, sleeping, eating, swimming pool shirts.  I just can’t see a good reason to cover these pythons.  Until yesterday.  I got in to a knife fight with some guy.  He had nothing.  Just stupid fists and a shit long sleeved dumb ass shirt. I laughed for about 35 seconds in his face with my pocket knife waving in his face.  Then he smiled and “swhhoooommmmmp” (onimonipea) and giant swords came flying out of his shirts! HE WASN’T EVEN WOLVERINE!  I lost, it goes without saying.  So, I am laying in the hospital this morning, licking my wounds and thinking, how did he do that?  … Then like a ray of light from the Dawn….Those fucking sleeves are good for something.  Hiding Weapons, and I love my weapons.

That's what I get for picking a fight with the guy from Hell Boy.

So i’ve healed, fast healer, like a cat.  I strapped a couple swords under my shirt.  Got ready to pick a fight.  This time, I went to a Mexican Cantina. Lovely little joint.  Mariachi music playing in the background, I take a Sol and sat and waited for somebody, who A) would fight me, then B) I could win.  So this punk ass little pretty boy walks in and steps on my toe.

Direct Quote From Me – “hey? what the heck!”

Him – “some word in spanish”

Me – “……”

Him – “Lo Siento”

Me – “Ohhh well fuck you too”. Swords pop out, commence laughing.

Him – “sccchhhhwwippp ( more noises that sound like their spelled ) GUNS? WHAT THE FUCK!

Maybe I have misjudged this pretty guitar playing man. Crap x2.

I gotta stop fighting guys from movies already.  I saw Clubber Lang and ran the other way.  He didn’t have sleeves but I guarantee he has a laser cannon hidden in his mohawk.

What do I do? Here is what I did tonight, after my bullet wounds healed.  Yea wound-s plural.  Jerk shot my 6 times.

I went to Burma, smuggled a tiger out of the country, strapped a Mini Gun on it’s head and stuck it in my pant leg.  Who wants a piece? You Antonio Banderas? Didn’t think so.

Bring it.

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Awesome Song of The Day #101

Annie Lennox

Walking On Broken Glass

(Guest starring John Malkavich)

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