MARS ROVER AWESOMENESS: ALIEN WW3!

I am really damn excited for the Mars Rover.  You bet your ass I am topical as hell! Current events, son!

 

That Rover has Space Dementia!

Nobody talks about the 80 trillion dollar Robocop we put on Mars to take this photograph.

We, yes we, the North Americans minus Polar Bears and Canada dropped a fucking RC Racer onto the Mars and are currently exploring the shit out of it.  Finding monsters and aliens and Spocks all damn day.

Bill Nye: Nearly none of that is true. Ass.

Me: Hey! Bill. Shut up.  Well after you tell me which part I am right about….

Bill Nye: Polar Bears and Canada didn’t help.

Me: Duh. Polar Bears are dumb as hell and Canada is poor. USA! USA! USA!

Bill Nye: Jeez. No Monsters or Aliens or singular Spock either. It just rolls around at 2″ per second and cores the soil and takes measurements.

Me: Ugh. Boring. 2″ a second?  It would take that hoss all of 6 seconds to measure my….

Bill: Gross.

Me: You cut me off.  Dick.

Bill: Yea, we got that.

Me: USA USA USA!

Bill: ….

Don’t worry.  Mr. Nye left.  Sometimes he can’t handle talking science with me.  Like when I beat NAS in rap battles. Which are usually about Bill Nye wearing tie dye while drinking a mai tai.

NAS: …… ( silence just like the end of 8 Mile )

I like explaining written jokes.  Means they are good.

The only really cool thing that is going to come from the Mars Rover is now Aliens on other planets can see we are getting pretty cool over here on Earth and it is time to blow us up.  Which I mean is really all anybody can ask for in this life.

MUSIC!

AWESOME SONG OF THE DAY

MOTORAMA

GHOST (Acoustic)

Easily my current favorite band.  Mind blowing.

Have a lovely Thanksgiving next year.  Like to get it out of the way early.

Bye!

SCIENCE FICTION AWESOMENESS: TRACTOR BEAMS!

Science tells us of magic force fields that bring stuff towards other stuff.  I’ve seen examples such as space craft, other space craft, larger space craft and medium sized space craft.

Where did you learn that?

Physics.

Physics isn’t an answer.  It is just  a nonsensical response.

Physics doesn’t think so.

What?

Yup.

Jeez, Balkey from Perfect Strangers really doesn’t get MENSA level stuff does he. Probably because he is foreign….

Okay, so tractor beams are an awesome part of space.  There is no gravity and people are always trying to fly away from you.  Just because they don’t want to see what you have under that trench coat doesn’t mean they always have to light speed away from Dinner Parties like that.  I have feelings too god damnit.  Do you know how much time it takes to deep fry a predator? Let alone kill one??? I have to hire so many bums to go kill just 1 predator.

If you could have personal tractor beams that would be so awesome.  I would tractor beam so many cupcakes into my mouth.  I would tractor beam bees at other people.  I bet they have a reverse switch.  Bees or nails, or bees and nails.  Nails would put holes in you that bees would fly into and sting and then lay eggs in and then the eggs would hatch and bee babies would stings your insides! Final Destination eat your fucking heart out.  I would tractor beam my bed to me, then tractor beam a girl towards my junk… Wait a minute…. I think tractor beaming girls against their will towards your space privates is like space rape.  I take that one back.  Forgot I ever said that one.  It never happened….

But I will totally beam some fucking cheezits up in this bitch.  This bitch being my apartment, and up being in a straight line, because up is the ceiling and I am not a spider man.  I got bit by a spider once and all I got was this hole in my face.  I won’t go to the doctor yet, not until Obamacare is real.  Who would pay for health care when I can maybe will get it for free in like 4 years.  I’ve pretty much got life figured out.

Time to tractor beam you some music.

(vrooooommooomomomomvroomomoomomooooooo) = tractor beam noises.

AWESOME SONG OF THE DAY #158

PETE AND THE PIRATES – CAN’T FISH

OUT!

 

SPACE AWESOMENESS: SHOOTING STARS!

No, I am not talking about shooting guns at Billy Zane.  But stars don’t get any bigger than that so I can see the confusion.  I’m talking about free wishes! All the fucking time.  A meteor shower happened and now I have the 5 things I have always wanted.

1) A monkey who rides a go-cart in a unitard! TWO COMBINED SUPER WISHES!

2) Dinner once a week with Nick Cage and John Lithgow

3) A brontosaurus

4) Harrier Jump Jet

5) Fig Newtons a – fucking – lot – of them.  Like 47.

That tree is wishing for a friend or to not be my new cabinet.

Here is how it works.  In the beginning …

Genesis 1:1 God said let there be wishes!

Genesis 1:2 God said let there be fire-y balls of gas that fall into the atmosphere!

Genesis 1:3 Don’t let it hit your house or you be fucked!

The rest is history.  Now I ride my segway to my dolphin farm to play hoops with Dikembe Mutombo.  Wishes are great.  Somebody once said they don’t believe in wishes…you know what that jerk drives? Ford Taurus.  You know what I drive with my “fake”wishes.  Rocket Ship. Or Pirate Boat… if  I am feeling like an adventure.

The moral of this story is next time the “sky is falling” close your eyes and that ice cream chair you’ve been hoping for will be all yours.

Zhazam! Told you son! Eat it...sit in it? Get kids into your van with it? Nooo. Ewww not that last one.

Just don’t be thinking about an axe in your face when it happens.  That shit would suck… trust me.  My next wish was a new face.  And it’s beautiful.

I see some shooting stars….time to get some new bazookas.

Time Out

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Awesome Song of The Day #94

Tanya Morgan

On Our Way

(dudes can just rap)

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