NEW PROFESSION AWESOMENESS: PRIVATE EYE!

So it finally happened. I quit my job at the banana factory.  Too/two/to many gorillas swinging through windows and kicking down the doors to steal my lively hood.  I also decided, as you can see, I am giving up on trying to figure out when two use to, it’s just 2 damn confusing.  I’ve just started throwing toos out there willy nilly and seeing what happens.  Like that damn gorilla Gerald does with his handfuls of turds.  It’s not enough you ate my last bunch of naners!

My new profession you ask? Glad you asked or this would be a really short one sided post. Private eye. I was shooting for Private Dancer, but Tina Turner doesn’t return my candy grams.

Private Detective, or Private Dick as my business card reads ( I only made one) Is a great profession.  What did I do all day? Sit in my car and stare into people’s houses from across the street.

Official Private Eye Business, Back Off Buddy... why are you outside a school?... hmmm.... good question.

I get to wear sweet clothes all day like a trench coat and when I do people assume I have clothes on underneath it.  Which is a rad change of pace.  Do you get to listen to XM satellite radio all day and smoke a pipe?

My second family in Reno: You smoke!?!?!?!?!??!?!?

Me: It’s really only bubbles… see

Family: Good. Now close your legs that trench coat is very revealing.

I get to solve crimes all the time like who is the last boy scout.  I can carry a taser.  It goes well with the rape whistle I had to start carrying from the midnight predator rapings.

I make my own fucking hours and I am my own fucking boss.

Guy who hired me: Hey asshole! Why aren’t you working?

Me: How do you know I am not working.  Look I have a fedora, a pipe and a camera.  Total Dick Tracy stuff.

Guy: You have sat outside my house since I hired you.  You fell asleep for 4 hours and ate 4 subways sandwiches.

Me: Hey, Im not getting paid by the hour so stuff it.

Guy: Yes you are.  I am paying your asking rate of 1 subway sandwich an hour.  You’re fired!

Well, I guess I am not my own boss.  Shit.  Now where am I going to get some subway.  I guess I could get sponsored.

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Awesome Song of the Day

Tina Turner

Private Dancer!

… and yes Tina.  I do want to see you do the shimmy again.

I am not sure if the same ad plays everytime.  The youtube is a wonderous invention but I don’t try to figure it out.  Like popcorn chicken. But the Droid Razor commercial that just played, blew my fucking mind. Some diner guy just said you can program your phone to do things that you normally do (question marks and exclamation points).  I can program my phone to watch Starship Troopers and eat a box of goldfish? Whoa. My phone can try to not cry after sexing a women? Whoa. My phone can get arrested for stalking Detlef Schempf? Whoa. Technology is amazing.

Detlef! Don't press charges! I just wanted a lock of your hair.... okay hearing that back kinda makes me understand... I get it.

Almost like a double decker post!

Yeah!

MOVIE AWESOMENESS: REAL STEEL!

I haven’t seen Real Steel so don’t get too excited.  But I thought of what I am going to say if and when I get out of that movie.  “Real Steel? More like Real Steal, because that darn Adam just stole my heart”

The couple next to me will be like, “who the fuck are you talking too?”

I’ll then shrug and say, “I hate being the third wheel, you guys never make me feel like part of the gang”

They might say “well that’s because you have been following us around all day pretending to be on our date…”

I’ll then say…. “soooo threesome????” But with a real charm about it so they are forced to tag team me… in the parking lot of a Red Lobster, while I cry and eat cheddar biscuits.  What came first the cheddar or the biscuit!? Geez the wonders of the world just astound me!

Has anybody noticed where Real Steel got its idea from? Two guys were playing Rock Em Sock Em Robots and were like, this would make a great movie! A bunch of rich high fives.  The two guys next to them were playing battleship and said, This would make a great movie! and crickets were heard everywhere. Mainly because it was the night-time and they were in a rural area.

Board game movies?

I guess Operation was already made into a movie 7 times by Saw….

I can’t wait for the 48 hour epic Risk.  In which nobody ever finishes watching the movie because it is way to frustrating and boring.  You will occasionally find somebody who says they finished it and love it… but they are full of shit and know it.

I heard the graphics on real steel are wonderful!

Wow, the Hugh Jackman Robot is very lifelike. Not much armor though. Gonna get robot raped in the ring!

Wait a fucking minute.

Doesn’t that robot already hate Diane Lane in Judge Dredd?

Busted. Real Bullshit is more like it. Yup, gotcha.

BYE!

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Awesome Song of the Day #162

Cameras – Defeatist

this song has played abooot 250 times on my ipod and itunes and icar (that’s just my car, didn’t sound cool just as car… Doesn’t sound very cool the former either…”

Video…artsy

Song…Amazing

HIATUS AWESOMENESS: I AM NOT DEAD I PROMISE!

I’ve been on a self imposed hiatus the last few weeks.  No it is not a TOOOMA! Just me working on some personal shit! Which does include me personally shitting which is convenient.  So I am not really posting tonight more just saying I should be back tomorrow.  But I wanted to get your appetite for me brewing.  I dreamed a wonderful dream recently.  I was this-

Yeah, your right. I am a freak

Well that was fun.  Mr. Potato head, storm trooper.  The only way it could be cooler if it was a Jean Claude Van Damme potato head, but I think the stumbling blocks on that design is getting the Potato to do the splits or enter the Kumate.

See ya soon sweetie.

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Awesome Song of the Day #113

The Helio Sequence

Keep Your Eyes Ahead