FOOD AWESOMENESS: A SMORGASBORD!

First and foremost. Go see Cabin in the Woods.  It is amazing.  I won’t tell you anything else.  You just have to go see it.  Then see it immediately again.

Know what I looked like after seeing it?

I am nice dresser when I go to the cinema.

I like food.  I post about it often.  Food makes our bodies work. It make us poop and fart and those things are half my material. It tastes great. It is awesome to have somebody drive my food to my house so I don’t have to stop watching the Real Housewives or Colombo.  It fuels my muscles so I can tear apart phone books at will or do a circuit of shirtless jumping jacks for the babes at the park.

Sigh.

It is usually really restrictive though. Like I order a pizza and they never just stop at chipotle and dairy queen for me on the way.  A man doesn’t have just one craving.  Men are hungry and indecisive. Who can save the day? Ikea.  I mean swedish people.

A smorgasbord is literally a giant table full of any food you want or can fit on the table.  It is all of my human desires laying on a table. You can’t be wrong on a smorgasbord.  Don’t have turkey on Thanksgiving?

NO TURKEY!!??!?!?! AHHHHHH BLAMO! Damn It Uncle Phil. You got brains on the nice table cloth again...

Don’t have jelly beans on your smorgasbord? No big deal.  We got Sour Patch Kids, 3 Dominos Pizzas and a half sour gallon of milk mixed with snapple and robatussin.

Even the word itself is fucking incredible.

“The Swedish word smörgåsbord consists of the words smörgås (open-faced sandwich) and bord (table). Smörgås in turn consists of the wordssmör (butter) and gås (goose). Gås literally means goose, but later referred to the small pieces of butter that formed and floated to the surface of cream while it was churned”

So it’s genieology is from an open faced sandwich on a table.  Great start.  What does open faced sandwich come from? Ohhh just a little butter goose.   Goose is gas? You already know how I feel about gas.

You could have a grilled cheese, Karl Malone, beggin strips, beanie weenies, a rocket launcher, lox, cake frosting, Dorito Tacos, a vhs copy of Tombstone recorded from TNT with the commercials, Wendy’s spicy chicken, a live chicken and a dead chicken to keep that fucking live chicken in line, dunkaroos, Ed 209, saltines, Mr. Pibb, 72 ounce steak, astronaut food, pop tarts and toaster struedal together as friends and everybody at the table would hold hands and thank some viking god, smergan flergan mcdergan (he’s partially scottish) and nobody would question anything.

Could you imagine the look on Bill Nye’s face when walking into our Valentines day Smorgasbord?

Well I’d have to take the velvet blindfold and handcuffs off first.  But then…

AHHHH SCIENCE! KAPOW!

I assume Bill Nye will yell Ahhh Science prior to dying. Why? Well it’s our safety word.

On that note.

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AWESOME SONG OF THE DAY

Julian Plenti

Only If You Run

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Whey are you reading this? Go see Cabin in the Woods!

 

AWESOME MOVIE SCENE AWESOMENESS: STILLS THAT MAKE YOU WANT TO SEE A MOVIE!

There are a lot of movies that have been released.  I only have one of these lives to live and I want to do as little reading as possible and as much movie watching as possible.  You can’t eat popcorn and wear 3d glasses while reading a book.  I tried and ruined my copy of yertle the turtle with popcorn butter and vomit from my 3d goggle nausea. Not to mention none of the words looked like they were coming at me.  Bullshit… until a 3d pop up book version of the bible comes out I guess I am going to hell.

Now back to what is really important, poverty.  Ha! I am kidding, I really mean movies. I only have so much time in each day. I have to eat food, so this work shit isn’t going anywhere.  Unless somebody wants to pay me 100,000 a month to personally narrate their life in blog form.  I mean it would be expensive; I eat a lot, and I mean A LOT of caviar.  Caviar wrapped in truffles dipped in gold dust and baked on the moon.  Can’t judge me for my good tastes.  But your life would sound so much cooler to your “friends”.

Here is an example, consider it my application and resume.

Tom wakes up and washes his feet in a volcano.  He then rides his unicorn to montana for eggs and bacon.  After killing a grizzly bear with his knuckles (fist punching a bear to death) he decides to rewrite the declaration of independence using only a spirograph.

huh? Pretty freaking fucking good. My secretary will be waiting by the phone.

For a post about movies this blog certainly is about a lot of other bullshit.  I agree, I would want my money back too.  But I get this shit for free.  Stolen internet, what do you know about that son?

So my life is crazy busy and the point of all this is, you can’t maintain these killer good looks and razor sharp wit with just a few minutes a day.  I mean I stare in the mirror for about 12 hours a day perfecting my style.  The rest of the time is spent nursing koala bears back to shape for more back yard koala fights.  You think that is mean? Inhumane? I disagree! Have you ever seen a koala fight???? It is adorable!

After that I have about 2 hours left to watch some cinema. I don’t have enough time to read reviews, cause honestly the last thing I want to do is read about a movie.  That clearly makes my head want to explode. (perfect segway!)

I can read your mind. You have seen one clip from this movie and you clearly want to see it.

This movie is called scanners and it is not supposed to be any good. But I can clearly disagree with just one still from that movie.  I am sold.  If I can’t tell from one picture if a movie is gonna be good then I don’t want to see it.

Do you want to see this movie?

Fuck Me, this picture makes me want that last picture to happen to me.

This movie fails on all levels, some nerd pointing a stick at me.  Why the fuck is he wearing glasses? If he is a wizard why doesn’t he just wizard up some good eyesight?  He is casual enough for the ole unbuttoned dress shirt and loose tie look but he still wears round glasses? I mean jeeezuz, there couldn’t be more lame about this movie from this picture. I won’t watch it. Ever.  Unless terrorist try to get the secrets of my life and torture me.  I would tell them in 5 seconds if they put this movie on.

Now how about for the ladies?

The Cos? A mullet? Some sort of white animal, at least 5 scarfs and arrows!

Again, sold. You have the prince of thieves. All sorts of style and a soft and gentle disposition. If I were a lady, or just myself.  I would watch this.  All night while eating toblerones.

More examples! How about for the kids?

I don't think this is what Willy had in mind when he was free'd.

Free Willy 3.  Or so Yahoo images tells me. If I were a kid I’d be screaming at the top of my lungs until my exhausted parents gave up and rented this movie or bought me a killer whale.

And for the dudes.

A guy in a mask, in his underwear, shooting at a guy flying a tricycle. Why would you watch another movie, unless of course it was the prince of thieves.

If you had 1 movie left to watch before you died, and then you saw this picture you would have no choice your brain would force you to watch it.  And if you brain didn’t cooperate I would force you to watch it, with me, right before I killed you.  You were wondering why you going to die weren’t you?

Time to watch a movie. Which you ask?  I won’t tell you… I will show you the picture that changed my day. Working out? No. Feeding myself? Nope. Voluntering? hahaha don’t be silly.

Put the Bunny back in the Box.

That was a gosh darn long post.  This blog would be way better as a movie.

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AWESOME SONG OF THE DAY #133

THE PASS (3rd time feature!)

GO THE PASS! LP COMES OUT IN A FEW DAY! BONERS!

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