Archive for raccoons


Posted in Awesome, awesome song of the day, awesomness, Bill Nye, comedy, Dork, Humor, Nature, Science, Stupid with tags , , , , , , , on March 3, 2012 by tsanda

My supervisor told me yesterday that next weekend is Day Light Savings Time. After one of these.

Hooray for something! My office is a sunsetey beach? Well, technically having to pick up trash while chained to other people next to a guy on a horse with a shotgun isn't really considered a "job" persay. But my folks like to tell other people that I work outside.

Followed by one of these:

An Asian Grandpa taking a doo doo? Well jumping for joy makes me diarrhea prone and that photo is incredible. I hope they won that pulitzer.

I realized that I am pretty sure she is waiting for me to be an hour late and or early.  I like to game time decision whether or not I am going to fall forward or spring back. Routine is for suckers.  Although if you are 1 hour early to work nobody cares.  14 seconds late and you’re out looking for raccoons to eat.

Bill Nye: “That science doesn’t make sense.”

Me: “Well, you’re late, so you get fired.  Then you need something to wipe your tears away with and raccoon hides are super absorbent and the tongue is a delicacy. So you can be tear free, like baby shampoo, and not hungry.  Why do dogs and babies get the tear free shampoo and I am stuck here with this acid shit.  I always come out of the shower crying and people always assume I either just shit in the tub or saw myself in the mirror and burst into tears.”

Bill Nye: “Hey there flabs, you shit the tub again?”

Me: “It’s the goddamn shampoo!”

Bill Nye: “That is why I use baby shampoo”

Me: “That’s why you are the scientist and I just ate a raccoon.”

Why is it that we don’t have all the time day light savings time. I know in winter the sun is lower in the horizon and it’s naturally darker earlier.  I can live with that but then we decided to move our clocks so the sun goes down at 4:45 and we do it on purpose.  If we were drunk or an acid that action may make sense.  But we are just increasing the amount of time that vampires get to kill us and that is silliness. Just plain silliness.

Luckily I am powder from that movie and don’t go outside anyways.  F U vampires.  I’ll never invite you inside.  You’re just gonna have to go to my neighbor’s house.  They are idiots they will let you in.  Just don’t get my spare key from their drawer.




We’ve Got Tonight

Bob Seger would stab John Cougar in the junk with his guitar.


Posted in Awesome, awesome song of the day, awesomness, blog, Dork, Food, Humor with tags , , , , , , , , , on March 2, 2010 by tsanda

Fig Newtons are not as popular as they used to be.  I call strike 3 on society.  First, people have turned on Nick Cage? Thought I couldn’t handle it there. Next, Cookie Monster is a fucking vegetarian? He only ate cookies god damn-it he was already a fucking vegetarian!   There are no such things as meat cookies. However … the thought is intreaging … and I may mix my next steak with some sugar cookie mix…oven it.  Roll, in it? Anybody? Just me? Fine more meat cookies for the old badass.

Then Fig Newtons dropped in popularity! Jesus Hansen Christ! Have you tried one? Lately or ever…? If it’s never get your head out your ass … stop eating garbage and go get some.  I don’t care how you get some….just get some! (i stole that from a sweet Texas Car dealer ad)

Like all food not as good looking in actual picture form. But looks better than they do on the exit trip! HA get it..nuge nuge, wink wink…shit joke!

Fig Newtons

I had 7 before I could take the a problem with that? Yeah, your right I didn't take that pic..but I did eat 7 fig newtons...okay 19.

It is a delicious fruit wrapped in cake! Holy Hell! Almost as enticing as Meat Cookies. Or Snicker Sandwiches!  Did your mom ever say, “hey kid, eat some fruit…and you can have cake after”  Wanna bake her noodle (not a sexual phrase I promise) Just say this “mommy! BOTH!”.  Works every time.  Your food pyramid more like a square? Just waffles? Well mine is immaculate.  47 servings of fruit.  All Figs with Newton wrappers.


Raccoon Eating a Fig Newton

If this doesn't make you smile then you hate fig newtons and raccoons. And are the Devil.

Billy Nye- “Badass?”

Me: “Yes resident scientist?”

Billy Nye – “Have you ever had a regular fig?” You know the Fruit?”

Me – “No, don’t be fucking silly. What is this? Crazy Town America?”

Enough with science for the day.

I am so glad the internet exists.  This last picture just fell in my lap.  Meat Cookies? Nah, I’ll take some Meat Newtons Please! OHHH BOY!  I am so excited to see your face when you see this next picture.  Just don’t look in the tree outside your house.  Promise I am not there….promise.

Meat Fig Newtons

Ha! yep. Somebody is a jeanius! HA the internet is incredible. My folks missed out for sure.

Wow my Bucket List is actually complete.  I saw a raccoon eating a Fig Newton.  Wait one more entry on my Bucket List.  See the Bucket List. Nice, tonight is gonna be sweet, Meaty Cake filled figs and Jack Nicholson flirting with Morgan Freeman.

Time has come to say bye.  Bye.

Awesome Song of the Day # 108

Electric Light Orchestra

Evil Woman