Yeah, I use the word busket instead of bucket. Fuck you, I’ll cut you. Oh sorry, I didn’t mean for us to get off on the wrong foot. I’m guesting writing for today’s column. If you’re wondering I’ve tied Senior Johnson up, and dropped him in a hole in the woods. Which means the only different thing than any other weekend is he’s tied up instead of peering through binoculars at wee lads on their cub scout camping trips. Either way, he’s in the woods, and it always ends up with someone using a Swiss Army Knife to get free. Have you ever heard a British person say binoculars? It’s great.
I want to spend my few minutes of fame with Mr. Johnsons readers to explain my love for something so awesome it gets put in a big ol’ busket.
BUSKET O CHEESE BALLS!
MY IDEA OF A SUPER BOWL POT-LUCK, EXCEPT SOME ASSHOLE BROUGHT A FOOTBALL INSTEAD OF A BUSKET O CHEESE BALLS
I tend to stay away from buskets as much as possible. Nothing good happens when a busket is needed. Mopping floors, painting, milking cows, and pooping(my toilet is currently broken). Its just too much work. That is until I found out about the busket o balls, cheeseballs. For only about 6 dollars at your local warehouse superstore, you get a shit ton o balls. Approximately 1440-2 million cheeseballs are in every busket, so it is indeed, work. Especially when you’re trying to finish it in one sitting! I know its going to make me sound like quite the sissy boy Nancy, but I have only finished 84% of my buskets in one sitting. Yeah I keep cheeseball stats. What’s it to you? I remember my 10thas well as my 10,000th cheeseball. I’m the AC Green of Cheeseballin, I’m cute as a button, have played the game for 27 years, and no one really will remember me.
6 PACK OF CORONA AND BUSKET O CHEESEBALLS? YOU’RE GOING TO NEED MORE TOILET PAPER!
Have you ever heard Journey, and it sounds really Journeyish? Almost like Journey is making fun of Journey? That has nothing to do with cheeseballs, but you’re welcome. Back to the fun part of those cheesy globes of the Gods.
“But Ironhead? What’s with your fingers getting all orangey?” you may ask Craig “Ironhead” Heyward. “Those are motherfucking morsels of goodness waiting for your tongue to lick off your fingers foo!” is probably the response you would get. But you can’t have that conversation. He’s dead. So dead. RIP Ironhead. I know what’s with that thingy. Cheesy fingers just are a by product of deliciousness balls o cheese. Can’t count how many times I’ve woken up with orange residue on all my electronics. So Orange. If you’re a lady coming over for a late night, expect that your titties are going to have orange handprints. So orange. I’d be lying if I said my penis has never been covered in orange powder after a lil me time. So Orange. It’s a rule that you cannot wash your hands after consuming said product. Always brings a smile to my face to see the awkward places I have laid my mark in cheesiness. These balls are perfect for being thrown into your mouth by another. Better take shooting those balls seriously. Best believe if you’re chucking cheesethrows(my cheesy replacement for freethrows) like Shaq, and none are landing in my mouf, that you gonna get slapped. Handprint on face. So Orange.
THIS SHIT WILL MAKE YOU A GODDAMN SEXUAL TYRANNOSAURUS
Little known fact is that the entire movie Predator was financed by cheeseballs. Everyone knows the scene where Jessie “The Body” Ventura spits chewing tobacco on a shoe, and says “This stuff with make you a goddamn sexual tyrannosaurus”. It was originally supposed to be “Blaine” hocking a big ol orange cheeseball loogie. Rumor has, in the end, that is all the Predator was after was Blaine’s busket o cheeseballs. All of this was pulled of course, when scientists discovered that eating cheeseballs ACTUALLY MAKES YOU A GODDAMN SEXUAL TYRANNOSAURUS.
Yup. That’s really all I got. Til next time I want to spend 10 minutes of my work day commandeering this blog, have a Rauwesome afternoon.
AWESOME SONG OF THE DAY
I’m all out of cheeseballs, thus, I must cry…cry like the temptations would want me to.
Temptations- I Wish It Would Rain