Archive for Movie

MOVIE AWESOMENESS: JASON STATHAM IN SAFE!

Posted in Action, Actors, Awesome, awesome song of the day, awesomness, blog, comedy, Humor, Movies with tags , , , , , , , , , on April 23, 2012 by tsanda

Jason Statham is really fucking good and protecting and transporting things, people, briefcases, etc.  You are really excited to see Safe, a new action thriller coming out soon.  But crud!  There are a lot of movies out these days and you can’t get to them all.  I mean we are all probably chomping at the bit to see some Johnny Depp movie about an ancient vampire who is blown away by TV’s and Mcdonalds….right…? This is just vampire Harry and the Hendersons… and that my friend is a masterpiece.  It’s only down hill when you don’t have John Lithgow involved.

Harry and the Hendersons, John Lithgow, Harry, Bigfoot, humor, comedy

Lithgow here. I just added this picture because that's how I hope John Lithgow answers the phone.

So I will do you a huge solid and give you a run down of the movie.  I had to save my own time so I haven’t watched it either.  But I am willing to bet 3 cases of rootbeer milk that I am pretty darn close.

If the movie poster is any indication this movie is gonna be good.

Safe, Jason Statham, Guns, Movie, Blog, Humor

Find your own kid napping victim. She is mine.

Jason Statham plays Uzi Sanchez.  A down on his luck Mexican Boxer.  He has been homeless since his last big beat and also got kicked off the force for not being corrupt.

He devises a perfect scheme.  Kidnap a little asian girl who is good with numbers to help him win scratch tickets.  So he can then win the money to enter a kickboxing competition to save his blind half brother from an Australian hit squad.

Jason Statham, Safe, Humor, Comedy

The homeless years: I hope they edit out the scene where I eat sausages from a dumpster.

They don’t that scene is gritty and real.

Statham, Jason Statham, Safe, blog, humor, comedy

Hey Buddy, I've told you once I've told you twice, stop giving hand jobs in our dumpster!

Okay, so for the first half of the movie Uzi is hooked on smack and can’t stop trying to give hand jobs for the money.  It’s then he sees his salvation.  The math kid.

Statham, Jason Statham, Safe, Yelling at a kid, Humor, Comedy

HEY KID!!! AHHHHH!!!! CAN YOU COUNT TO 7 11 OR 21?????!!!!!!??!?!?!

Uzi’s weakness is for 7 11 21, a scratcher, that is a real head scratcher.  You have to add 3 numbers and if they are 7 11 or 21 you win! But those are the 3 hardest numbers to add up to in the English Dictionary.  Many a sad afternoon you could find Uzi crying while looking at a ticket trying to count on his fingers.  Most of which he lost in a man vs chicken fighting ring in lower manhattan.

Statham, Jason Statham, Safe, Comedy, Blog, Humor

Shit. It's daytime. I probably should have done this a little more secretively.

As you can imagine they pretty much run around in circles and many times he yells at her.  “Don’t worry, I wont let you go home to your parents until you win me the $5,0000 grab prize.”

Then a miracle.

A Winner.

7+3+1.  He steals some kids Nokia plays some snake. Then adds the numbers. 11. Holy shit. I did it.

Jason Statham, Safe, Comedy, Humor, Blog

Hey mister, did you save enough after buying that suit to save your brother?....shit.

He then holds this pose and the gun at the girl for the final 23 minutes of the movie while a God Speed You Black Emperor song plays in its entirety in the background.

Screen goes black.  You hear a gunshot.  Did he kill her… or himself?  Maybe one of the thousand cops following up on the Amber Alert shot him…  One of those great movie mysteries that will be talked about for years to come.  Maybe it was all a dream?

Credits role. Written, Directed, Starred, Produced, Edited, Shot and Catered by Jason Statham.  That guy can do it all.

The End….Or is it?/ To Be Continued / Maybe … Shrug.

AWESOME SONG OF THE DAY

Gladys Knight and the Pips

Midnight Train to Georgia

AWESOME MOVIE SCENE AWESOMENESS: STILLS THAT MAKE YOU WANT TO SEE A MOVIE!

Posted in Awesome, awesome song of the day, awesomness, blog, Dork, Humor, Movies with tags , , , , , , , , , , on September 18, 2010 by tsanda

There are a lot of movies that have been released.  I only have one of these lives to live and I want to do as little reading as possible and as much movie watching as possible.  You can’t eat popcorn and wear 3d glasses while reading a book.  I tried and ruined my copy of yertle the turtle with popcorn butter and vomit from my 3d goggle nausea. Not to mention none of the words looked like they were coming at me.  Bullshit… until a 3d pop up book version of the bible comes out I guess I am going to hell.

Now back to what is really important, poverty.  Ha! I am kidding, I really mean movies. I only have so much time in each day. I have to eat food, so this work shit isn’t going anywhere.  Unless somebody wants to pay me 100,000 a month to personally narrate their life in blog form.  I mean it would be expensive; I eat a lot, and I mean A LOT of caviar.  Caviar wrapped in truffles dipped in gold dust and baked on the moon.  Can’t judge me for my good tastes.  But your life would sound so much cooler to your “friends”.

Here is an example, consider it my application and resume.

Tom wakes up and washes his feet in a volcano.  He then rides his unicorn to montana for eggs and bacon.  After killing a grizzly bear with his knuckles (fist punching a bear to death) he decides to rewrite the declaration of independence using only a spirograph.

huh? Pretty freaking fucking good. My secretary will be waiting by the phone.

For a post about movies this blog certainly is about a lot of other bullshit.  I agree, I would want my money back too.  But I get this shit for free.  Stolen internet, what do you know about that son?

So my life is crazy busy and the point of all this is, you can’t maintain these killer good looks and razor sharp wit with just a few minutes a day.  I mean I stare in the mirror for about 12 hours a day perfecting my style.  The rest of the time is spent nursing koala bears back to shape for more back yard koala fights.  You think that is mean? Inhumane? I disagree! Have you ever seen a koala fight???? It is adorable!

After that I have about 2 hours left to watch some cinema. I don’t have enough time to read reviews, cause honestly the last thing I want to do is read about a movie.  That clearly makes my head want to explode. (perfect segway!)

Scanner

I can read your mind. You have seen one clip from this movie and you clearly want to see it.

This movie is called scanners and it is not supposed to be any good. But I can clearly disagree with just one still from that movie.  I am sold.  If I can’t tell from one picture if a movie is gonna be good then I don’t want to see it.

Do you want to see this movie?

Harry Potter

Fuck Me, this picture makes me want that last picture to happen to me.

This movie fails on all levels, some nerd pointing a stick at me.  Why the fuck is he wearing glasses? If he is a wizard why doesn’t he just wizard up some good eyesight?  He is casual enough for the ole unbuttoned dress shirt and loose tie look but he still wears round glasses? I mean jeeezuz, there couldn’t be more lame about this movie from this picture. I won’t watch it. Ever.  Unless terrorist try to get the secrets of my life and torture me.  I would tell them in 5 seconds if they put this movie on.

Now how about for the ladies?

Costner

The Cos? A mullet? Some sort of white animal, at least 5 scarfs and arrows!

Again, sold. You have the prince of thieves. All sorts of style and a soft and gentle disposition. If I were a lady, or just myself.  I would watch this.  All night while eating toblerones.

More examples! How about for the kids?

Free Willy

I don't think this is what Willy had in mind when he was free'd.

Free Willy 3.  Or so Yahoo images tells me. If I were a kid I’d be screaming at the top of my lungs until my exhausted parents gave up and rented this movie or bought me a killer whale.

And for the dudes.

Road Warrior

A guy in a mask, in his underwear, shooting at a guy flying a tricycle. Why would you watch another movie, unless of course it was the prince of thieves.

If you had 1 movie left to watch before you died, and then you saw this picture you would have no choice your brain would force you to watch it.  And if you brain didn’t cooperate I would force you to watch it, with me, right before I killed you.  You were wondering why you going to die weren’t you?

Time to watch a movie. Which you ask?  I won’t tell you… I will show you the picture that changed my day. Working out? No. Feeding myself? Nope. Voluntering? hahaha don’t be silly.

Con Air

Put the Bunny back in the Box.

That was a gosh darn long post.  This blog would be way better as a movie.

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AWESOME SONG OF THE DAY #133

THE PASS (3rd time feature!)

GO THE PASS! LP COMES OUT IN A FEW DAY! BONERS!

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