Archive for Kids

CHILDHOOD AWESOMENESS: TOYS THAT TEACH SKILLS!

Posted in Awesome, awesome song of the day, awesomness, blog, Children, Humor, memories, Stuff with tags , , , , , , , , , , on March 19, 2010 by tsanda

Halo, no skills taught. Kids just sitting around smoking bongs shooting rockets at each other at a prison.  What can you use that for in real life? I’m asking you.  I can wait……….

I got sick of waiting and learned some war tactics and mental visualization skills by playing a quick game of battleship with my dog.  He always sinks my battle ship! Then I throw the board across the room and pout.  I am currently pouting.  Big frowny face. Shup up eligh, I know you always win.

What else do kids do these days?  Pokeman? Digimon? Some other japanese card crap thing? That only teaches kids to be poofs who are afraid of the sun none of those animals are real… at least when I was a kid I had baby animal memory.  Great for the brain and adorable.

When I was a kid we practiced being construction workers.  Practical real world skills that we could transfer to our adult lives.

Kid Construction Worker

It's not that bad, fresh air, as many cigs as you can smoke, a sweet hat. See Timmy you too can join the working class.

Look how much fun I had? Buckets.  Which I knew how to fill and empty because of my construction skills.

My imaginary sister. What did she get? Easy-Bake oven  Now she can bake the shit out of some stuff.  And as a secret added bonus that you just don’t think about.  Changing Light Bulbs.  Think about it.  Two skills in one!  Personal Palm Computers for kids? Kids don’t have appointments! You don’t need a Palm Pre to schedule picking your nose.  I remember just fine.

Easy Bake Oven

Girls you're gonna need these skills to land a man......

Well I have effectively offended my female fans.  Ha thats a good one. Girls don’t read this. Or talk to me… More frowny face!

I really don’t party with to many children these days.  Trying to think of more stuff they do that sucks. Let me think.

FUCK.

I just googled some shit that pisses me off more than fire ants on my face.  When I was a kid nerf and super soaker where the shit. You had to convince your folks to get 2 toys to get both.  Now they have combined forces!? Whaaaa? First KFC and Taco Bell now Super Soaker and Nerf? Ohh no big d…looks like crap.  Good. That was a close call thought kids these days had a foot up on us. Nope still sucky.

Bull shit super nerfers don’t have shit on… king kong!!!  Yes, Denzel Washington, we realize that … now stop yelling that at Ethan Hawke. He is fragile and stop interrupting my blog.   I was going to say hungry hungry hippos.

Hungry Hungry Hippos

I wanna be the blue one.

How many lessons in that game?!?!?! Count em. Survival of the Fittest! ONE!.  But a good lesson, if you don’t eat as much as you can, and as much of your co-hippas food as you can.  Then you will starve to death.  What happens when there is no more food? Ughhh, play again. World resources solved yet again. I tackle the big issues move over anderson cooper.

out

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Awesome Song of the Day #111

Bonobo

Flutter

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VERB AWESOMENESS: JUMPING!

Posted in Awesome, awesomness, blog, cat dancing, Dork, Happyness :), Humor with tags , , , , , , , , on February 11, 2010 by tsanda

Lots of stuffs is just ho-hum.  Kicking….ugh, played out.  You lift your leg, it hits somebody, they say “ouchey” or “oye!” if they are british or a hasidic jew. High fives, what am I?…. Five? No silly, five year olds these days are way more technologically savvy then I am.

Kid on computer

Kids are so productive on the computer because they haven't yet discovered the web porn yet. Give a few years. Then they will be bald too.

My skills are basically etch – a – sketch.  If I were a rubber band gun of technical proficiency little kids would be the Large Hadron Collider.

To make things better it is really easy.  You don’t need money or 5 year intelligence.  Rather the power of your legs and a little fuck you to gravity.

Take this visual example.

Kick

Kick. Not Gonna lie this may be my new favorite person. Move over Bea Arthur.

Wanna make that kick just about 1000x times cooler, large hadron collider cool?

Just throw a little jump and possibly a Hi-ya into the mix! Cool factor check check and check.

Jump Kick

Dear god 5 years olds are gonna take over the world.

You know what else is more neater than just regular.  Cats.  Most people don’t like cats, for whatever reason.  They are probably drunk or something.  But what if you could go jumping with you cat?  Maybe on your bed? Then I think you would lose your job from how much fun it could be.  Stupid 5 year olds can they do this?

Cat Dancing

Huh...

Jump High Five! Great, Jump Axe Throwing, Jump Jets! I mean damn girl, they are sweet.  Ever seen two men celebrate a great training session by just standing in the surf? Yea didn’t think so.

Rocky III

The only way to celebrate, short shorts and mesh shirts.

I even jumped bloged this shit, sweaty and pumped up I am.  God Dang.

Later

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Awesome Song of The Day #102

Gucci Mane

The Movie

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CANDY AWESOMENESS: GUMMY WORMS!

Posted in Awesome, awesomness, blog, Bugs with tags , , , , , , , , , , on January 13, 2010 by tsanda

That last post made me want to eat…soooo…..

We live in a wonderful time.  You can eat anything you want. Fungus that grows on shit? = Mushrooms.  Bull Testicles? = Rocky Mountain Oysters (note: my folks in the capital of Rocky Mountain Oysters: Severance, CO. where the motto is “where the geese fly and the bulls cry”.  Genius.  They should add were I get sick to my stomach to that slogan.)  AND!  It doesn’t stop there! Long fake sugar worms!  Not only that but you can get them in nearly any color.  Even colors that don’t exist yet. I love how somebody saw this:

Worms

I see this and I think of snacking!

And that made them think of this:

Gummy Worms

Good Enough For Fish Well Good Enough For Me!

Hmmm what is the most appetizing food available?  Yep Worms. I wish there was a way I could feed those to my kids!  Maybe stick one up my nose?   Don’t tell me you haven’t done it.  What I love about candy is it’s just sugar.  People feel bad about eating sugar out of a bag or jar.  But make it look like a gross bug and it’s really awesome and should be shared with your friends at lunch.  Well, fuck that I want gummy turds.  Cause if we are gonna be Americans we need to go all out and pull out all the stops…why stop with worms? The sky is the limit.

Moment of Seriousness: Thoughts are with those in Haiti.  Give to relief if you can.

End!

Awesome Song of The Day #90

Broken Bells (Dude From The Shins and Danger Mouse ((Genius)))

The High Road

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