Archive for john spartan

TV SHOW AWESOMENESS: AWAKE!

Posted in Awesome, awesome song of the day, awesomness, blog, comedy, Dork, Humor, Movies, Television, Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , on March 22, 2012 by tsanda

Again something I’ve never seen before.  I enjoy talking about stuff I know nothing about other than my immediate preconceptions. I find things are usually neater in my brain than in real life. Like how Wrath of the Titans has fucking nothing to do with Remember the Titans.  I was expecting a violently inspirational equal rights story.  Instead all we  get is Sam Waterston flying a horse.  What? Worthington? Damnit.  I thought he was stuck on a ledge.

Awake, according to a TV guide sentence I skimmed, is about a guy who gets in a car crash and either his son dies or his wife dies depending on whether or not he is dreaming and which dream/reality he is in.  That is a great idea.  However, that guy has the most depressing and boring dreams ever.  I’d have to decide between a world where I ride falcor to fight predators with John Spartan and Simon Phoenix.

John Spartan, Knitting, Demolition Man, Sly Stallone

John Spartan knitting me a red sleeveless kimono.

Addition Sign

Simon Phoenix, Demolition Man, Wesley Snipes

Simon Phoenix is such a good name Nick Cage is fucking furious he was not in this movie.

Plus

Falcor, Neverending Story

Little Known Fact: Falcor was fired from the Rock-afire Explosion for railing to much coke.

=

Predator

Murdered Predator. I don't take spines and skulls though. I collect stamps.

It’s better than my alternate dreamality.

Madea

Shivers.

+

The Gimp, Pulp Fiction

Damnit, I thought you were sleeping

Now my shrink has to figure out what is wrong with me.  Good Luck Billy Crystal.

AWESOME SONG OF THE DAY

Rock-afire explosion Covering Usher and Young Jeezy

Love in this Club

 

 

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MOVIE AWESOMENESS: DEMOLITION MAN!

Posted in Actors, Awesome, blog, Humor, Movies, The Future! with tags , , , , , , , on November 29, 2009 by tsanda

There are so many good movies in the universe.  They usually star people named simon phoenix and john spartan.  One of them will usually have a beret and the other just might have yellow hair with geometric shapes for edges.  Only if we are lucky…?

Forget lines in your head how do I get that hair cut? Or a beret. Beggers can't be choosers.

Why do people say beggers can’t be choosers? That’s rat shit in my book.

ME: “Hey Begger eat this turd sandwich!”

Begger: “Uhhhh nope”

ME: “WHAAA? Beggers can’t be choosers, bitch”

Begger: “Hey jerkface … I am not eaing a turd…”

ME: ” I guess they can choose, well, jokes on you cause im gonna eat it ! ahh that was a horrible idea!”

So, D-Man is set in the future, in a magical place called San Angeles, which according to Wiki, is a combination of San Diego, Los Angeles and Santa Barbara. Shouldn’t it be called San Barngeles? Ban Sangerara? San Angeles it is! Here, there is no crime, only Dennis Leary hanging out underground getting ready to rob Taco Bell.  Simon Phoenix, Wesley Snipes in real life, is trying to avoid paying taxes so he gets frozen for 40 years.  He then unfreezes to kill edgar friendly (leary…  c’mon snipes he just wants a cheesy gordita crunch!)

John Spartan and that lovely lady from Speed have some weird cyber sex, they sing the jolly green giant song, Spartan beats up some hobo’s trying to eat tacos, they visit the hall of violence (why the smithsonian doesn’t have that I will never know).  This flick also asks the most important question of our generation? Where is the beef? Nope, …  Ask not what your country can do for you but what you can do for your country? Nope! …

YOU DON’T KNOW HOW TO USE THE THREE SEASHELLS!?!?

 

seashells

YOU STICK THEM UP YOUR BUTT! .... duh!

Moral of this story is this movie rocks.

End

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AWESOME SONG OF THE DAY # 75

White Rabbits – Percussion Gun

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