GUNS AWESOMENESS: HIDDEN ARM GUNS!

Full disclosure.  That was my penis I just showed you. I should have probably said full disclosure and then showed you my party tyme trio, thus giving you some chance of looking away.  Rather I just pulled down my pants while your back was turned and then when you turned back around I was pointing straight at it… and!……. it was point straight at you.  Damn kid. That one was good. I mean party tyme trio and an erection joke in one paragraph Hemingway ain’t got shit.

Fact of sciences#44: You cannot look away from something that somebody is pointing at.  Don’t ask me, I don’t make the rules. Ask Johnny Mnemonic.

My Face Itches.

Hey, I just said you could ask him.  I can’t guarantee the answer you get.

So, when I was saying full disclosure and got caught up in kinda being a bit perveee, I was going to talk about how much I love guns.  One of my favorite guns?  The hidden arm gun. You know what I am talking about.  That little sexy bitch that slides into place on the metal track on your forearm and then when the moment is right, you get to shoot somebody in the face.

I suck at this gun though.  I keep forgetting to take it off and then when I am orchestrating an orchestra and my arm gun engages all sorts of people start screaming and running.  Some guy has a Nam flashback.  I shot a cat.  I mean it probably wouldn’t be so bad if I just put it back into its holster but I have to pop a couple off when it happens.  It’s another rule of sciences. When hidden arm guns slide out shots are gonna get taken then fired.

It's amazing that nobody in that bar noticed his popeye arms and wondered if he was about to go all bananas on that place.

I should have watched Desperado prior to going on my murderous rampage.  Instead, I just listened to Desperado by The Eagles and apparently didn’t gleam the same information.  I don’t think gleam is a word.  Well, it is now. Fuck you Miriam Webster.

Because when I first discovered these weapons I put the gun on my calf instead of my forearms.  So here I was in a big old pickadilly.  Guns everywhere.  I had a smug ass look on my face.  Somebody said.  “Hey, Poncho. You die next.”  Which is how I always wanted to go out, so I was kinda torn.  But not today.  I did an Elvis leg shake to engage my weapon and my leg gun just fell out of my pants onto the floor and I got shot to death.  Apparently the whole purpose is to catch it in your hand. Huh. Silly me.

 

Perfect Creshendo into a 9 minute long Music Video about Jake Gyllenhaal getting shaves and killing people with fencing gear.

The real song doesn’t start till about 2:30 but the incredible starts immediately.

The Shoes

TIME TO DANCE

WEAPON AWESOMENESS: SLEEVE WEAPONS!

Shirt sleeves are so useless most of the time.  I mean all of my shirts are sleeveless, gym shirts, work shirts, wedding shirts, funeral shirts, sleeping, eating, swimming pool shirts.  I just can’t see a good reason to cover these pythons.  Until yesterday.  I got in to a knife fight with some guy.  He had nothing.  Just stupid fists and a shit long sleeved dumb ass shirt. I laughed for about 35 seconds in his face with my pocket knife waving in his face.  Then he smiled and “swhhoooommmmmp” (onimonipea) and giant swords came flying out of his shirts! HE WASN’T EVEN WOLVERINE!  I lost, it goes without saying.  So, I am laying in the hospital this morning, licking my wounds and thinking, how did he do that?  … Then like a ray of light from the Dawn….Those fucking sleeves are good for something.  Hiding Weapons, and I love my weapons.

That's what I get for picking a fight with the guy from Hell Boy.

So i’ve healed, fast healer, like a cat.  I strapped a couple swords under my shirt.  Got ready to pick a fight.  This time, I went to a Mexican Cantina. Lovely little joint.  Mariachi music playing in the background, I take a Sol and sat and waited for somebody, who A) would fight me, then B) I could win.  So this punk ass little pretty boy walks in and steps on my toe.

Direct Quote From Me – “hey? what the heck!”

Him – “some word in spanish”

Me – “……”

Him – “Lo Siento”

Me – “Ohhh well fuck you too”. Swords pop out, commence laughing.

Him – “sccchhhhwwippp ( more noises that sound like their spelled ) GUNS? WHAT THE FUCK!

Maybe I have misjudged this pretty guitar playing man. Crap x2.

I gotta stop fighting guys from movies already.  I saw Clubber Lang and ran the other way.  He didn’t have sleeves but I guarantee he has a laser cannon hidden in his mohawk.

What do I do? Here is what I did tonight, after my bullet wounds healed.  Yea wound-s plural.  Jerk shot my 6 times.

I went to Burma, smuggled a tiger out of the country, strapped a Mini Gun on it’s head and stuck it in my pant leg.  Who wants a piece? You Antonio Banderas? Didn’t think so.

Bring it.

—–

Awesome Song of The Day #101

Annie Lennox

Walking On Broken Glass

(Guest starring John Malkavich)

——

OLYMPIC AWESOMENESS: THE BIATHLON!

So, the winter games are starting.  The worlds best at making snow angels and  snow forts will gather in Canadia for a competition to see who is cooler.  The USA always wins this because…well, we are just cooler… When is the snow Planet of Hoth gonna get the winter games? It only makes sense.

You’re Confused? God your Dumb!  It is covered in snow! Duh.  Rancors? Those are only on Tatooine … jeez, on Hoth you only have Wampas.  Plus you could have a Wampa joust competition for a medal.  The only problem with a Star Wars Olympics is that Yoda would win every event.  Especially the triple flip jump light saber battles.

But we are light eons away from that competition, so the US can continue our everything domination.  The best Olympic Event? The Luge? Pretty sweet to bullet speed race down a tiny frozen tube. Even cooler if you are Jamaican.  Curling? My only pre-req for a sport is a broom being involved.  But those are distant second to the Grand Daddy of awesome sports.  The Biathlon.  The picture speaks words at you.

Awesome Pants? Poles? A Gun? Why isn't this a major in school?

The purpose of the biathlon.  To ski and shoot guns.  Honest.  You strap on your skis.  You load a weapon, usually a high caliber rifle.  Ski around and shoot shit.  This was made up by the smartest person ever.

Olympics Committee – Would you like to join the downhill ski team?

Awesome German (not sure who invented it but had to be german) – Do I get to shoot shit?

OC – Uhhh? What?

German – Like with a gun, shoot stuff, maybe a bunny or bambi’s mom.  Maybe just cans.  Im okay with cans.  As long as I get to blow them up.

OC- Why not just shoot guns by themselves? Why the skis?

German – Fuck you, that’s not very olympic.  I need to sweat too …. + competition that is what the world was built on.

OC – sold. Bring your gun, we will bring the cans.

And the Biathlon was birthed.

When will the all participate in athletics then participate in violence games occur?

Purpose....drive in circles shooting bullets in the sky. Which ever bullet lands on the ground near the target or... kills a goose wins.

Other great possibilities.

Run a 10k, then strangle somebody.

Swim a mile than jump kick a bear

Do 10 pushups… then a summersault… then Karate Chop a Watermelon.

Africa has been way ahead of us for years on the front.  10k Turkey Trot….Then Machete the closest rebel.

The guy in white is going to win! But no star value! his face is covered!

The olympics could be sooo much better.  More weapons.  Less France.

Bye.

—-

Awesome Song of the Day #98

Beach House

Better Times

——-