MAPS AWESOMENESS: SEA MONSTER MAPS!

Why doesn’t my Garmin have a monsters setting to show you where not to go?  Last week I drove my honey right into a giant spider pit and then on the way home we were beaten up by chupacabras. It was a real big date buzz kill when your lady gets eaten by something… and it wasn’t me…. Yup. Gold.

Garmin “Turn left ahead to avoid swamp things…”

Now that is helpful information.  Although I never update the thing so I would be jazzed for my Jamba Juice but I would end up:

Bad move monster. I may be brunch. But I got one last shit off in your mouth.

That is an actual poster you can buy from posters.com.  I am no Fung Shui master but this must be part of the calming aura for babies rooms.

Map making apparently used to be a fucking amazing profession.  All you do was randomly place monsters everywhere.  If you were not a map maker or ocean adventurer you would literally think the ocean was just a big pile of monsters.  It would be just like under my bed.

That's like a 25:1 Seamonsters to ship ratio! I like those odds for entertainment.

Monster N: Middle right is my favorite.  That monster just plays lobsters.  The other giant lobster gets mad so he tries to play a human.  Silly lobster you can’t play a human, we are too fleshy you just cut us in half.

Red Duck! Lookout!

How could you ever entice anybody in Scandinavia to become a seafarer?

Sorry topographical, you are no longer my favorite type of map.

No wonder the world always thinks vikings were such bad asses.  They had to kill like 200 sea monsters just to come rape and pillage your ancestors village.  Your? Not mine? Well I am from swedish decent which I am pretty sure means I was just from a long line of love slaves to vikings.

NO MORE WORDS TODAY!

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Awesome Song of the Day

Snowden

Anti Anti

Remember how I used to number the awesome song of the day?  What happened you say? Addition happened.

HOLIDAY AWESOMENESS: CHRISTMAS!

Christmas traditions, virgin births and bums that give you stuff.  What a holiday this Xmas is.  So baby Jesus, no he isn’t from south of the border.  Was put into Mary by an angel.  Or thats what mary told Joe, her ole man,  I think that angel was horny for some human lovin.  Angels always say once you go human you never go back.

PSSSTTT... Joseph he looks nothing like you....notice the wings and halo?

So Christmas started as the celebration of Jesus birth.  Okay religious holiday makes sense.  Then the rest of us went…Hey! Jerk faces I want presents too!  So we cut down a tree and dressed an old dude in red and gave him some deer to ride to your chimney.  Honestly a strange old man comes down your chimney and eats your food and then gives you presents.  He also knows what you’ve been doing.  Those are actually called stalkers and they usually don’t get to hang out with kids…

Hey Kids! Go sit on the fat stangers lap! Tell him what you want and he's gonna laugh and hug you!

Next your gonna tell me that Dead Jesus is gonna get honored with a rabbit.

Out

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Awesome Song of the Day #82

Dungeon Family – Trans DF Express

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ANIMAL AWESOMENESS: FLYING SQUIRRELS!

Dear The United States of Awesome,

I apologize for being selfish and a dick.  I took a weekend off to turn the unhip age of 26, I immediately lost control of my bowels and bladder and have to wear depends now.  My eyes fell out and I have to ride on a rascal to get around.  Boy does old age hit fast and hard.

Ahhh me in my old age...boy am I happy on my rascal...just fishing....if I catch a big fish does it just pull me and the rascal into the ocean?

NAHHH! I am exaggerating a bit.  I got a cold and didn’t feel like passing my cold through the interweb to you.  So really I did you a favor.  Your welcome.

So I am back after the week.  The internet was a lot less sweet while I was gone.  I went searching around for what was happening in my absence, nothing.  Some president of something won some award for talking, some old dude threw some 6 point passes to other younger guys and apparently afghanastan is still a country….who knew?

But to the task at hand.  This.

Boom Pow Surprise Flying Squirrel Up In Huuurrrrr....Sorry my St. Louis spell check is on...Here is what i meant...damn you chingy.

Really, a mammal with wings! Next your going to tell me there are mammals that can swim! HA! Or Mammals that can lay eggs.  I am hoping nature speeds up evolution and I can grow wings all ready, jumping off the roof is getting painfully annoying.  I haven’t reached the moon yet either!   Soon though, if Kev Cos can grow gills and webbing my wings are just around the corner.  Keeping my webbed toes crossed.

So prey walks by a tree, probably an elephant or unicorn, stops for a bite of the tree and this thing jumps on its back, pulls out its spine and eats all of its bone marrow.  What a fucking sweet killing machine flying squirrels are.

Same thing goes for your living room so watch your fucking skull son, they will eat your brains.

Crap! Don't eat my new rascal!

Wow I am spent.  Sickness saps my life-force…or that was the 3 bottles of robatusin I drank.  Not sure but i feeeeeeeellllllll tiiiiiiirrreedd………zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz……………..

FYI I’M ASLEEP! KEEP IT DOWN IN HERE!

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AWESOME SONG OF THE DAY #59

WIZ KHALIFA – SAY YEAH!!!!!!!

SOOOO GOOD!!! and nothing says rap and mainly like making it ran on a group of Mariachis….they do work hard for the money.

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