FOOD AWESOMENESS: A SMORGASBORD!

First and foremost. Go see Cabin in the Woods.  It is amazing.  I won’t tell you anything else.  You just have to go see it.  Then see it immediately again.

Know what I looked like after seeing it?

I am nice dresser when I go to the cinema.

I like food.  I post about it often.  Food makes our bodies work. It make us poop and fart and those things are half my material. It tastes great. It is awesome to have somebody drive my food to my house so I don’t have to stop watching the Real Housewives or Colombo.  It fuels my muscles so I can tear apart phone books at will or do a circuit of shirtless jumping jacks for the babes at the park.

Sigh.

It is usually really restrictive though. Like I order a pizza and they never just stop at chipotle and dairy queen for me on the way.  A man doesn’t have just one craving.  Men are hungry and indecisive. Who can save the day? Ikea.  I mean swedish people.

A smorgasbord is literally a giant table full of any food you want or can fit on the table.  It is all of my human desires laying on a table. You can’t be wrong on a smorgasbord.  Don’t have turkey on Thanksgiving?

NO TURKEY!!??!?!?! AHHHHHH BLAMO! Damn It Uncle Phil. You got brains on the nice table cloth again...

Don’t have jelly beans on your smorgasbord? No big deal.  We got Sour Patch Kids, 3 Dominos Pizzas and a half sour gallon of milk mixed with snapple and robatussin.

Even the word itself is fucking incredible.

“The Swedish word smörgåsbord consists of the words smörgås (open-faced sandwich) and bord (table). Smörgås in turn consists of the wordssmör (butter) and gås (goose). Gås literally means goose, but later referred to the small pieces of butter that formed and floated to the surface of cream while it was churned”

So it’s genieology is from an open faced sandwich on a table.  Great start.  What does open faced sandwich come from? Ohhh just a little butter goose.   Goose is gas? You already know how I feel about gas.

You could have a grilled cheese, Karl Malone, beggin strips, beanie weenies, a rocket launcher, lox, cake frosting, Dorito Tacos, a vhs copy of Tombstone recorded from TNT with the commercials, Wendy’s spicy chicken, a live chicken and a dead chicken to keep that fucking live chicken in line, dunkaroos, Ed 209, saltines, Mr. Pibb, 72 ounce steak, astronaut food, pop tarts and toaster struedal together as friends and everybody at the table would hold hands and thank some viking god, smergan flergan mcdergan (he’s partially scottish) and nobody would question anything.

Could you imagine the look on Bill Nye’s face when walking into our Valentines day Smorgasbord?

Well I’d have to take the velvet blindfold and handcuffs off first.  But then…

AHHHH SCIENCE! KAPOW!

I assume Bill Nye will yell Ahhh Science prior to dying. Why? Well it’s our safety word.

On that note.

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AWESOME SONG OF THE DAY

Julian Plenti

Only If You Run

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Whey are you reading this? Go see Cabin in the Woods!

 

CANDY AWESOMENESS: GUMMY WORMS!

That last post made me want to eat…soooo…..

We live in a wonderful time.  You can eat anything you want. Fungus that grows on shit? = Mushrooms.  Bull Testicles? = Rocky Mountain Oysters (note: my folks in the capital of Rocky Mountain Oysters: Severance, CO. where the motto is “where the geese fly and the bulls cry”.  Genius.  They should add were I get sick to my stomach to that slogan.)  AND!  It doesn’t stop there! Long fake sugar worms!  Not only that but you can get them in nearly any color.  Even colors that don’t exist yet. I love how somebody saw this:

I see this and I think of snacking!

And that made them think of this:

Good Enough For Fish Well Good Enough For Me!

Hmmm what is the most appetizing food available?  Yep Worms. I wish there was a way I could feed those to my kids!  Maybe stick one up my nose?   Don’t tell me you haven’t done it.  What I love about candy is it’s just sugar.  People feel bad about eating sugar out of a bag or jar.  But make it look like a gross bug and it’s really awesome and should be shared with your friends at lunch.  Well, fuck that I want gummy turds.  Cause if we are gonna be Americans we need to go all out and pull out all the stops…why stop with worms? The sky is the limit.

Moment of Seriousness: Thoughts are with those in Haiti.  Give to relief if you can.

End!

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Awesome Song of The Day #90

Broken Bells (Dude From The Shins and Danger Mouse ((Genius)))

The High Road

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FOOD AWESOMENESS: CALZONES!

Calzones.  The word itself just warms your loins.  It tingles your arm hairs doesn’t it?  It cured your leukemia? Yea… didn’t think so they aren’t that incredible.  But they are everything great about food all put in one little handy bread pouch.  I hate wasting all my time messing around with forks and knives.  Don’t even get me started on spoons! Those things make no sense.

Guy…”pssst”

Me: what?

Guy: You use them to scoop.

Me: Eyebrows raise gently.  AHHH HOT DAMN!

Thanks again guy.

Calzone.  Your loins are tingling again.  I know.

If was han solo I would have put Luke Skywalker into this instead of the Ton Ton. What a delicious bed this would make.

Here is how you make one.  Get a pen and paper.  Start writing.  Take a pizza now wrap it up in some bread.  Done. Eat!  Those fucking Italians are geniuses.  Except Michelangelo that fucks a hack and a half. Which is nuts because milli vanilli were only full hacks!  Not sure how to utilize this technology elsewhere.  Burritos! Damn Mexico has been all over this trend for decades too!

Guy: I think burritos are centuries old.

Me: DAMN GUY! YOU’RE A FUCKING ENCYCLOPEDIA!

They are just so damn hot and juicy and saucey and pepporoniey and pizzaey.  Words haven’t even been invented to describe what these fucking things taste like.  Words like great, yum, tasty, neat, filling.  Hmmm Merriem Webster is telling me those are real words.  Tumreatilling. Which basically boils down to Tasty Yum Great and Filling all mixed together and wrapped in bread.  Like a calzone.  It’s the circle of life.

I was always wondering how all of those ingredients breath though.

Ahhh Gills. Knew it. There fish.

Time to get Fat.

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Awesome Song of The Day #87

Tears for Fears

Everybody wants to rule the World

Great video

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