FIGHTING TECHNIQUES AWESOMENESS: EATING SOMEBODY’S EYES OUT!

I have been around, you expect that now.  When I am not sleeping under your bed I am sleeping in it.  It is really comfy.  I am looking at you OMA, your bed is awesome.  But I have been slowly working on a new masterpiece about manliness it should launch sometime between now and next Haley Bop comet. Me and my cohort are going to melt some minds with that shit.

But I got to thinking my first love needed some dry humping, so I figured i’d come make a post.  I call blogging dry humping. It really gets people confused at the blogging conferences, it also makes me really embarrassed when I talk to girls.

I’ve been in my fair share of battle royales so I know a few things about dismantling people when my fists and feet.  Punching and kicking beats people up.  But it takes a while and I get all sorts of tuckered. I needed a new mastery of martial arts to end fights faster.  What does everybody have that are weaknesses? Chins? Nope some people have amazing chins, hit them with bricks and they just won’t go down. Temples? Same garbage … but… eyeballs? You can eat somebody’s eyeballs out of their face and they go down screaming followed by dying.  It is perfect.  It doesn’t take much time and they are never expecting it.  Eye balls are high in fiber. Sometimes they poop out like corn, full eyeballs!

Hey! Kickboxer!

-What?

Nom Nom Nom!

-AHHH! my EYES! I am dead!

That is exactly what happens over and over again.   I have become drunk on eyeball juice! I need more eyeballs! I could single handedly win all wars.  Navy Seals are defunct.  I would just eat some white face circles.

My only weakness? Blind people.  They just kick me in the throat and laugh.  I haven’t figured out there weakness yet. What about your noses though.  I have an idea….

You know what all of these people have in common? They haven't met me yet aka... I haven't had an eye eating orgy today.

I am just joshing ya! I don’t eat eyes.  They are so gross! But I sure like potato chips.

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AWESOME SONG OF THE DAY #155

XV – SWERVIN

best rap release of the year so far. Just fyi.

But if anybody wants to go eat some bums eyes I wouldn’t count it out…

WEAPON AWESOMENESS: SLEEVE WEAPONS!

Shirt sleeves are so useless most of the time.  I mean all of my shirts are sleeveless, gym shirts, work shirts, wedding shirts, funeral shirts, sleeping, eating, swimming pool shirts.  I just can’t see a good reason to cover these pythons.  Until yesterday.  I got in to a knife fight with some guy.  He had nothing.  Just stupid fists and a shit long sleeved dumb ass shirt. I laughed for about 35 seconds in his face with my pocket knife waving in his face.  Then he smiled and “swhhoooommmmmp” (onimonipea) and giant swords came flying out of his shirts! HE WASN’T EVEN WOLVERINE!  I lost, it goes without saying.  So, I am laying in the hospital this morning, licking my wounds and thinking, how did he do that?  … Then like a ray of light from the Dawn….Those fucking sleeves are good for something.  Hiding Weapons, and I love my weapons.

That's what I get for picking a fight with the guy from Hell Boy.

So i’ve healed, fast healer, like a cat.  I strapped a couple swords under my shirt.  Got ready to pick a fight.  This time, I went to a Mexican Cantina. Lovely little joint.  Mariachi music playing in the background, I take a Sol and sat and waited for somebody, who A) would fight me, then B) I could win.  So this punk ass little pretty boy walks in and steps on my toe.

Direct Quote From Me – “hey? what the heck!”

Him – “some word in spanish”

Me – “……”

Him – “Lo Siento”

Me – “Ohhh well fuck you too”. Swords pop out, commence laughing.

Him – “sccchhhhwwippp ( more noises that sound like their spelled ) GUNS? WHAT THE FUCK!

Maybe I have misjudged this pretty guitar playing man. Crap x2.

I gotta stop fighting guys from movies already.  I saw Clubber Lang and ran the other way.  He didn’t have sleeves but I guarantee he has a laser cannon hidden in his mohawk.

What do I do? Here is what I did tonight, after my bullet wounds healed.  Yea wound-s plural.  Jerk shot my 6 times.

I went to Burma, smuggled a tiger out of the country, strapped a Mini Gun on it’s head and stuck it in my pant leg.  Who wants a piece? You Antonio Banderas? Didn’t think so.

Bring it.

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Awesome Song of The Day #101

Annie Lennox

Walking On Broken Glass

(Guest starring John Malkavich)

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