Archive for Dork

LITTERING CAMPAIGNS: WASHINGTON STATE!

Posted in Awesome, awesome song of the day, awesomness, blog, comedy, Humor, States with tags , , , , , , , , , , on May 21, 2012 by tsanda

Everybody knows the famous Texas slogan.  Don’t mess with Texas.  Great fodder for T-shirts and the back of underwear.  You know like a pun about shitting your undies.  Which apparently is an epidemic in Texas.  It must be the water or general disregard for bathrooms and hygiene.  But I have to be honest this slogan has nothing on Washington States slogan.  I am up here working for my work, doing work.  I was driving on the just lovely I-5 going either north or south.  This is a wonderful little stretch of Americana.  Tree’s and beavers frolic like butterflies at dusk.  Yes that tree’s should be possessive.  The 2nd one was just a fucking stupid mistake.  But I haven’t figured out backspace yet or language.

Apparently, Tom Cruise is going to be in a musical?  I wonder if he will make Tom Cruise running face. I have attached the most amazing video. Not only does this guy get the humor of Tom Cruise running, but he makes an awesome video and chooses the best song of all times.

Sorry, I got side tracked by the TV playing at the Africa Club in the Sea-Tac airport.  Which is a confused place here in white peopleville. Although to be fair they have a dish that gives you AIDs for authentic Africa flavor.  I wonder what flavor AID’s has.  Probably a lot like diarrhea mixed with nutmeg.

So Washington is a beautiful state, not like my home state, where we just through garbage out our windows cause, well fuck it.  That’s our litter slogan.  It is widely successful.  Just huge billboards with a half eaten cheeseburger and crumpled PBR tall boy, next to calligraphy of “Well, fuck it.” How do they get it done here?  Passive aggressive threats?  No, they are very obvious.

Litter Campaign Washington State, Litter and it will hurt,

Vague, yet terrifying.  

I mean it’s scary because bigfoot lives in Washington.  If I throw my danish wrapper on the ground does bigfoot run out and punch me in the sternum?  I don’t know.  So I tested the theory.  I live life on the edge of disaster.  That’s my motto. I have shirts and everything.  My mom got another one for mothers day and she threw it away and disowned me.

I ate some gum and threw the wrapper on the ground.  A seagull at that moment then shit from the skies into my mouth.

I was like what the hell man?  You said it would hurt not be disgusting!  Then I got hit by a twin engine prop plane.  Damnit Washington.  You are good.

AWESOME SONG OF THE DAY

Deniece Williams

Lets Hear it for the Boy

when I searched for this song, the SEATAC Airport free wifi made me re-agree to the terms and conditions.  I of course didn’t read them but I really hope that listening to this song on their network is against their terms and conditions.  If I get arrested I will hunger strike for this song.

 

BINARY AWESOMENESS: 10101000100101010100!!!!!

Posted in Awesome, awesome song of the day, awesomness, Bill Nye, blog, comedy, Dork, Humor, Internet Photographs, Technology, What the Fuck? with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on May 16, 2012 by tsanda

1001010101010010101010101010101010100000011111101010111010101010001101010000000100000111111101010101001011110101010

1010101100101010100000001111101010000101010101010101010101000001011101110001110001101010

10100101

“10001110100101010000110001”

“100010011101110000011101010101”

Binary, Blog, Humor, Jokes, Humor, Awesomeness

0001001110101001010101 101001010101010!!!

11010010010011010100001010101010001111111111110111111111011111110000010101010 01 10100 0101 10 10 10 100000111010 1010101 010101

010101010 101 101010010101 0101

101010 1010 01 011111000 10101 01 010 10 01010010101

0101 101 0010011000 10101001

01010101

Binary, Blog, Humor, Jokes, Humor, Awesomeness

10101010101 10101 01010101010

10101 00101 01010 101001 01 010 10 10  23827828917189728179838928972817  10 1010010101 1010 10101 100010100101 01010 010100101010

0101010

10101

101010 100100 1010

Binary, Blog, Humor, Jokes, Humor, Awesomeness

1010101010101????

10101!!!

1010 1010101010!

1100101010

1001010

—-

 

 

Bill Nye “what the fuck is wrong with you?”

“1001010010”

TERRIBLE PARENTING and CHILD AWESOMENESS: I HAVE TO POOP!

Posted in Awesome, awesome song of the day, awesomness, blog, Children, comedy, Dork, Humor, Space with tags , , , , , , , , on May 15, 2012 by tsanda

So I saw a video that is making the rounds on the world wide web. It involves the youngest member of MENSA, which I always thought stood for the Men Space Association.  Which was great cause we don’t want coodies in space.  We have enough problems to worry about with giant solar flares that are going to cause 2012.  I saw that movie.  We are fucked.  I am still trying to find John Cusack so he can wisk me to safety.  No Amanda Peet though.  That lady is annoying.  So this kid is a badass. A certified genius by the age of 3.  Loves donuts and just yells I have to poop when its time to bathroom.

Here watch this.

That kid is a spitting image of me.  Not when I was a kid… Right now.  That kid and I could hang out.  At work I keep getting dirty looks because after my morning coffee I just yell.

“Ohhh boy I have to doo doo”

Until somebody brings me a bucket or I doo doo my sweatpants. Yeah, I am allowed to wear sweatpants to my office.  I don’t get fired because I think they think I am mentally handicapped.

First thing that kid does while at the Today Show.  Eat a bakers dozen.  Who cares about meeting Al Roker.  Those fucking donuts have frosting and sprinkles!

What about that kids horrible parents.  Their kid is screaming I have to shit my fucking pants on national television and what do they do.  Tell her to shut the fuck up and stop ruining their moment for making such a smart baby.  At one point the dad like a smug piece of shit says.  “I’m sorry about this” What! You’re sorry that your just passed being a baby child has to crap and she isn’t being more polite about it????  I wish that kid would have just dropped trow and shit all over her dads feet.  Then flipped him off and yelled I’m out.  That’s what I would do.  Probably why I wasn’t invited back to the today show for my amazing lowest IQ score ever.  I posted it on my fridge.  That interviewer is a cunt too. That is a harsh word.  I know my mom told me not to use it unless I am talking about draculas.  But that skank face couldn’t roll with the punches either.  Ohh your tummy hurts.  Well stop ruining my bit! I don’t want to go back to ring girl at the holiday inn cage fights.  I wish a car came through that building and took out that kids parents and the interviewer.  That car would be driven by Steven Hawkings mind.  He would bring her to MENSA head quarters and she could eat all the donuts her heart desires and then cure cancer.  That kid rules.

I want a bakers two dozen.  That’s 43 donuts.  Hey, I didn’t make up the math.

AWESOME SONG OF THE DAY

ROMAN CANDLE

THEY SAY

I wish I could sing and not make windows break and heads explode.  It is my greatest power and my greatest downfall.  Ohh sweet justice.

 

 

PRIME MINISTER AWESOMENESS: VLADIMIR PUTIN!

Posted in Awesome, awesome song of the day, awesomness, blog, comedy, Humor with tags , , , , , , , , , , on May 9, 2012 by tsanda

My grandfather once said that Russians were no better than animals which was confusing to me because animals are awesome.  Duckbilled Platypus or Flying Squirrels? No more words needed about that.  The extent of my knowledge of Russians is what I have learned from James Bond and they are usually trying to take over the world.  I disagree, if they are anything like their Prime Minister, old Vlad Putin, they are just trying to enjoy the finer things in life.

When I have a rough day at work what is the first thing I want to do when I get home?  Bubble Bath? That is second.  Double Dutch competition with the Jensen sisters down the street? That is saturday morning stuff.  Shirtless Horseback riding? Ding Ding Ding.

Vladimir Putin, Shirtless Horseback Riding, Russia, Prime Minister, Blog, Humor, Comedy, Jokes

He is probably going off to hand to hand combat a Russian Bear. Then wear its skin home.

That is awesome.  Obama ever done anything this cool?  Not likely.  Somebody would probably complain about skin cancer or animal abuse.  Putin knows the secret to a good leader is a fantastic tan.

After he rides the horse to the edge of death what does he do? He lets his steed drink water while he takes a gentle dip to recharge his engines and cool his weary bones.

Vladimir Putin, Shirtless Horseback Riding, Russia, Prime Minister, Blog, Humor, Comedy, Jokes

Relax? I meant to say Butterfly Stroke, a perfect one at that, across a lake that is probably 5 miles long.

All this shirtless horseback and olympic quality swimming has got him hungry.  He chops down a tree and makes a fishing pole.

Vladimir Putin, Shirtless Horseback Riding, Russia, Prime Minister, Blog, Humor, Comedy, Jokes

Actually he is now fishing for whales off the coast of Siberia.

After he eats his whale.  He needs to let off a little aggression.  Some silly American was caught spying on him.  Instead of chopping off his head or drowning him in a kiddy pool during his sons sweet 16.  Judo throw!

Vladimir Putin, Shirtless Horseback Riding, Russia, Prime Minister, Blog, Humor, Comedy, Jokes

Please go tell Obama to stop spying on me and if he wants to shirtless hang glide I am going next weekend over Chechnya.

Whoa that is a long day.  I need to win the World Cup for mother russia.  But we can only play in suits. Because not only are we obviously superior to all other countries in all ways, but we need to look dashing at the same time.

Vladimir Putin, Shirtless Horseback Riding, Russia, Prime Minister, Blog, Humor, Comedy, Jokes

Fuck you Ronaldo. This is how you make soccer look good.

Somebody should teach these Russians that if they bunch like that they are going to get killed on the counter attack.  ohhh the KGB will just shoot the other team?  That works too.

AWESOME SONG OF THE DAY

BUCK 65 – PAPER AIRPLANE

Long Live Creative Music

NEW PROFESSION AWESOMENESS: PRIVATE EYE!

Posted in Awesome, awesome song of the day, awesomness, blog, comedy, Humor, Predator with tags , , , , , , , , , , on April 20, 2012 by tsanda

So it finally happened. I quit my job at the banana factory.  Too/two/to many gorillas swinging through windows and kicking down the doors to steal my lively hood.  I also decided, as you can see, I am giving up on trying to figure out when two use to, it’s just 2 damn confusing.  I’ve just started throwing toos out there willy nilly and seeing what happens.  Like that damn gorilla Gerald does with his handfuls of turds.  It’s not enough you ate my last bunch of naners!

My new profession you ask? Glad you asked or this would be a really short one sided post. Private eye. I was shooting for Private Dancer, but Tina Turner doesn’t return my candy grams.

Private Detective, or Private Dick as my business card reads ( I only made one) Is a great profession.  What did I do all day? Sit in my car and stare into people’s houses from across the street.

Private Eye

Official Private Eye Business, Back Off Buddy... why are you outside a school?... hmmm.... good question.

I get to wear sweet clothes all day like a trench coat and when I do people assume I have clothes on underneath it.  Which is a rad change of pace.  Do you get to listen to XM satellite radio all day and smoke a pipe?

My second family in Reno: You smoke!?!?!?!?!??!?!?

Me: It’s really only bubbles… see

Family: Good. Now close your legs that trench coat is very revealing.

I get to solve crimes all the time like who is the last boy scout.  I can carry a taser.  It goes well with the rape whistle I had to start carrying from the midnight predator rapings.

I make my own fucking hours and I am my own fucking boss.

Guy who hired me: Hey asshole! Why aren’t you working?

Me: How do you know I am not working.  Look I have a fedora, a pipe and a camera.  Total Dick Tracy stuff.

Guy: You have sat outside my house since I hired you.  You fell asleep for 4 hours and ate 4 subways sandwiches.

Me: Hey, Im not getting paid by the hour so stuff it.

Guy: Yes you are.  I am paying your asking rate of 1 subway sandwich an hour.  You’re fired!

Well, I guess I am not my own boss.  Shit.  Now where am I going to get some subway.  I guess I could get sponsored.

Awesome Song of the Day

Tina Turner

Private Dancer!

… and yes Tina.  I do want to see you do the shimmy again.

I am not sure if the same ad plays everytime.  The youtube is a wonderous invention but I don’t try to figure it out.  Like popcorn chicken. But the Droid Razor commercial that just played, blew my fucking mind. Some diner guy just said you can program your phone to do things that you normally do (question marks and exclamation points).  I can program my phone to watch Starship Troopers and eat a box of goldfish? Whoa. My phone can try to not cry after sexing a women? Whoa. My phone can get arrested for stalking Detlef Schempf? Whoa. Technology is amazing.

Detlef Schrempf

Detlef! Don't press charges! I just wanted a lock of your hair.... okay hearing that back kinda makes me understand... I get it.

Almost like a double decker post!

Yeah!

SECOND HAND STORY ABOUT A FACEBOOK CONVERSATION I HAD WITH SOMEBODY YOU DON’T KNOW!

Posted in Awesome, awesome song of the day, awesomness, blog, comedy, Humor, Predator, Stuff, Stupid with tags , , , , , , on April 4, 2012 by tsanda

Nothing gets readers more amped than some fudging stories about facebook.  I mean if there was a Pulitzer Prize for writing I would totally win it.  Is Pulitzer the one with the old guy who comes to your house with a giant check and cameras? That’s publishers clearing house? Ohh that’s what I want to win for writing.

Not sure that’s how it works.

Shit is that why I have never won?

No, it’s your writing.

Ohhh, jeez mom. Going for the juggler.

Jeeez son….

Any way.  A facebook friend of mine posted a question that was posed to them.  If you could choose an animal that busts through your bathroom window at 3 am which would you choose?  My math questions school sucked, this facility sounds incredible.  This is real world stuff I would love to know.  I started to realize how bent over naked I am for a 3 am marmot attack.

My answer was the best animal of all, Predator.  If I gotta go.  It better involve a giant laser beam to the chestle.

Which did raise an interesting question.  Sexual predator or Just Predator.  Well not “just” Predator.  Let’s not be fucking disrespectful.  I am pretty sure that anything that breaks into your bathroom window at 3 am has no wholesome intentions.

I have been laughing to myself for about 2 hours now with the mental picture of Predator breaking through my bathroom window for some midnight raping.

I guess I won’t be laughing at about 3 am.  But I think it’s one of those things that with time will turn into a funny story.  Hey remember how that guy died from nightly Predator rapes.  Ahhh haha yea. What was his name? I don’t know, let’s get a taco.

Predator

SexyThighs69: Hey kids your parents home? Wanna play with my laser...

Undercover cop: Yes Mr. Thighs.  I want to turn invisible with you.  Be there at 8.  My parents will be at dinner theatre.

Chris Hansen

Ohh. Hello Mr. Predator. What are you doing here? Why did you bring a shoulder cannon and some bud light lime?

Predator: It’s not what it looks like.  He is my little brother…. ahh fuck it.

Predator

Don't get targeted by a sexual Predator. Cause your dead.

Hear that sound.  That’s the sound of my Pulitzer being minted. That’s just two cats fighting?  I should really learn sounds better.

AWESOME SONG OF THE DAY

CRIME MOB

ROCK YO HIPS

 

COMMUNITY SERVICE AWESOMENESS: STEALING THE RONALD MCDONALD STATUTE!

Posted in Awesome, awesome song of the day, awesomness, blog, comedy, Dork, Fuck Clowns., Humor, Monsters with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , on March 14, 2012 by tsanda

The Denver Ronald McDonald House had it’s Ronald McDonald statue stolen a while back.  People were all up in arms about this.

Some Local Lady “How can you steal from the Ronald McDonald House?”

Some Local Protestor “This is terrible, what has the world come to? The Ronald McDonald House?!”

Charles Barkley “Pizza, Burgers, Wings, Meatballs, Ribs, Steak, Meatballs…”

Charles, I’ve told you more than once get out of here with all that meatball talk.  What about hoagies? Charles: Well I didn’t say hoagies now did I? … No, I guess not.

Some Other Lady “The statue costs $3,500 but the memories are priceless.”

Memories?

The memories are priceless? I think this lady is getting memories and debilitating nightmares mixed up again.

Look at this fucking scary ass thing.

Ronald Mcdonald House Statue Denver

If you look closely under it's eyes, it appears to be crying black satan blood.

You want this hanging around like a creepy evil pedophile?  Kids are supposed to come here for hope and not leave with a psychotic breakdown?  As you can tell I absolutely hate clowns.  IT ruined it all for me (you’re welcome for the link).  It makes you wonder though… Whatever happened to that thing.  I never heard any conclusion  to that story.

I assume that Ronald McDonald ate those people.

Or he is just sitting in somebody’s basement.

I already told you I don’t know the conclusion.  I am really hoping it’s the later because with a missing Ron McD statue roaming around Denver everything time I hear something outside I instantly think its Ronald trying to kill me.

It really puts a damper on trying to do sex with a lady when you have to ask her to check under the bed for Ronald McDonalds.  Hey sweet cheeks, you can think I’m a nancy boy all you want… but I don’t want to be eaten by Ronald McDonald.  I call it common sense. Now lets do that sex I paid for.

Nice.

AWESOME SONG OF THE DAY

brandUN Deshay

A Beating Cuff Link