CLOTHING AWESOMENESS: SUSPENDERS!

Many a fat person will tell you that suspenders are to hold up your pants in the face of a massive gut.  Belts just can’t handle this pressure.  My belt does the job just fine but when you got an extra 250 lbs swinging around that mid section it gets a little harder to control.  I have to beg to differ on this one.  I am pretty damn sure that suspenders are meant to help you win truck stop arm wrestling matches.

Ayeeee yooo, i gots to hold my pants when i am wrestling....yoooo, adrian, ayee yooo, Rocky Balboa John Rambo John Spartan other things that do with Stallone!

I think the main point is that you have to know how to wear your suspenders.  Hipster look?

Not cool looking, stop copying Sly. You won't beat him in arm wraslin he also wears those.

Thrown in a side kick dog and a cape? Maybe some giant green muscles? Sounds good to me.

Winner!

Fashion is just easy for me, I know I just get it.  When wearing your blue boots you need red suspenders and to shave your big green bald head.  I should win America’s Next Top Model.

Massive Win.

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Awesome Song of the Day #115

Crystal Castles –

Baptism – LIVE

If you can rock to that, you and I can have Thanksgiving dinner together any time… Even when it’s not Thanksgiving.

PEACE!

CLOTHING AWESOMENESS: THE UNITARD!

My last post opened a pandoras box of sorts.  The monkey wearing a unitard.  I got shit tons of comments about that…one… jeeezzz I was shooting for 3.  Ohh well NDB (no big deal for those of you who aren’t hip… AKA my folks.  Love ya mom!)  So this Pandora’s box of sorts, I think everybody who reads my blog… which equals the population of China.  Do the math! Is now wearing the One – Tard.  (unitard for fashionistas) Here is a picture of me enjoying the breeze on a beach in my uni.

Enjoying the fresh smell of spring, in my unitard, the world is my oyster.

You’re wondering this question, audibly to yourself, as you read this, naked on the can.  (that sentence has a comma explosion, i never learned where to put those things I figure they are like chocolate chips.  The more the better….)

My 1 Billion Fans – “have you lost your mind? Those look silly and so impractical…I mean when can you wear them? and how do you get them on.”

Me – Mentally back to your brain in response.

“Nope Sister, it serves all purposes under the sun… and I have no idea how to get that shit on. but thats not the point.”

Use:  Your ears are cold and you have to sit awkwardly with spirit fingers.

Answer – Blue full uni.

Perfect Solution for your cold ears... plus u still have the dexterity of a cat.

Use: Your a white guy?

Answer: Uno-tard. (spanish)

I am enjoying the sound of you eating your words! No uses? It is perfect for that wake or interview you have to go to...

Use: Your not white?

Answer: guess.

Big date? Fill in the Blanks _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ ... shit... I have no idea how many letters are in unitard do I.

The moral of this story is that if it’s good enough for Freddie Mercury.  It is good enough for you.  You don’t have to worry about your clothes choices clashing. Your wearing stripes and solids after march? Fucking Idiot!  Well no more! + You don’t have to worry about being out of style.  You won’t have to worry about bears.  It really is just splendid to cut down your clothes putting on time by like 10 minutes.  Putting on pants and a shirt is for the fucking birds. Now go out there and show off that package to the world… if not you can borrow my tube sock.

Quote I love – “I can’t see you because I am a parapalegic…where is my paralegal?” – Gucci Mane

Nap time is upon me.

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Awesome Song of the Day #95

The XX

VCR

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CLOTHING AWESOMENESS: VELCRO!

I just stabbed 3 of my fingers off trying to do these stupid buttons on my shirt and lost an eye trying to tie my shoe!  There has to be a better way to get dressed! Or I am doing the rest of my life naked… Thats illegal? In what state?  All of them.  Shit I better go put pants on.  For those of you who may be confused by what velcro is let me utilize spaced aged micro imaging scanner technology that my neighbor the scientist let me use.

It's either velcro or the hair stuff from avatar...I have always wanted to be one with my shoes

How long does it take to tie your shoes each day.  It’s taking you way too long to answer I will answer for you.  25 minutes! Thats 500 Minutes a week. 10 Million minutes a year!  You spend 99% of your life tying your shoes!  Why?! you could be playing volleyball with those minutes.  So shoes decided they wanted to help humans out and put this strip of sticky? connecty? Little pokey things that connect with the other side to create an air tight seal. It takes no time at all.  Maybe 1 millisecond.  You would need space aged time keeping equipment to figure that out. So much more time for volleyball.   You know what I did to my old shoes?

Yep, I shot them. Plus, I really wanted breakfast.

My middle name is now high fashion. Not to mention my ass looks fantastic in these. Plus no time wasted getting them on for my big date!

Sexy is my middle name..."I thought it was high fashion?".... uhhh..."I changed it, jerksauce"...

Why would we waste our time teaching kids that the bunny needs to go under the log then through it then around it or some such shit.  When they could just put to things together and kick fucking ass.

The moral of the story is pants flys need to be velco, shirts need to be velco, refrigerators, car doors, Harrison ford, space ships entries all need to be velco.  Humanity could save so much time with a few velcro modifications.

Velcro + Be-dazzler = the future.

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Destroyer –

Wstercolours in the Ocean

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