MY OPEN LETTER TO THE TWO FACED KITTEN!

I know there is a formula for this blog and it certainly isn’t broken.  But something has happened, that is so amazing, space explosions worthy, that I felt I would do my civic duty and write the two faced kitten a letter.  A love letter of sorts?  I don’t know do you think I have a chance with mutant kitty?

And… I want to be featured on Oprah! What does a fucking dude need to do to get featured on Oprah or in O! (that’s the Oprah magazine for you heathens that don’t know) Put down Bird Monthly and pick up some O! So many good interviews with Paula Abdul and features on Losing 5 lbs before swimsuit season!

I can haz two faces...sorry couldn't resist.

Dear Kitty With Two Faces,

You are a marvel of the wonders of mother earth and step father space.  You were born out of magic and wonder.  Two faces? How does that happen? Science says it was a two headed sperm.  I say it was Jesus.  You are a creation of the lord himself.  Why? Why would god take time out of his busy day of canasta and PBR to make a two headed kitten? Easy, humans were bored with 1 faced kittens.  Ohh your orange tabby has 1 grill? Boring, might as well go kill itself.

Kitty, you are a monster, a disgustingly cute monster.  You just peed in my loafers and scratched my shins.  I was going to drop kick you, but look at that face it’s adorable. I mean faces, nice catch, congrats to me for proof reading just a little bit.  Your like frankenstein a misunderstood monster.  No, not like the Hunchback of Notre Dame he is just a freak.

The bad news kitty, we can’t keep both faces.  Science hasn’t figured out that technology yet.  So we need to figure out which face has got to go!

Face #1, So cute and innocent the first time I saw you it was like the sunrise after a light rain storm.  My breath was taken away.

Face #2, Your ugly as shit.

Face #1, So good at math and comedy.  Made me laugh for hours with your pi and square root jokes.  3.14 ha! that was a good one…  We will always have cosign

Face #2, You ate my sandwich.

Face #1, When you puurrrrr it is like the heavens are playing a harp for me.

Face #2, Your breath smells like cat food and turds

Face #1, When you play with string, I just giggle for hours.

Face #2, You just fell over trying to stand up.

Face #1. Say good bye to your brother

Face#2 – “fuck that”

Well face #2 just killed face 1. Damnit. Stuck with this 1 faced shit head

Ohh well. You still can kill that mouse over there right?

Face #2 “For 100 dollars”.

Hmmmm. I miss face #1

….

Okay two faced kitten this is the end of my letter.

I still love you.

Almost as much as I love the villain you were created after.

He too loves to play with string and meow for kibble.

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Awesome Song of The Day #121

The Golden Dogs

1985 (Cover of a Paul McCartney Song) after you hear this version Paul Mc Should probably stop playing music they murder his song.

The Golden Dogs are fucking awesome by the way.

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TECHNOLOGY AWESOMENESS: NIGHT VISION!

Cats could rule the world if they didn’t just sit around and lick their paws all the time and purrrrrr.  I mean they have fangs and claws, they can fall out of airplanes, without parachutes mind you, and still land on their feet.  Soon enough they will be able to read my website, hopefully they like it because when they take over the world I want to be on their good side.

Cat learns how to surf the net... immediately searches for porn ... throws up hair ball.

What else can cats do?  Ohh yea no big deal, see at night. When the lights go out dogs and me walk into walls and stub our toes.  Elephants fall into tar pits and monkeys just cry, science tells us that monkeys are historically scared of the dark. It’s okay Amy, so am I.  Finally humans stole cat eye technology and stuffed it into googles so we can see at night.  You know what I saw?  Army guys eating my Frosted Flakes.  Jerks.

I thought it was a ghost at first...Night Vision showed me it was the army eating my shit!

I tried jumping off my roof and I only land on my face!  But by god I will get it.  Just you watch cats…just you watch.

For how sweet it is to watch what the neighbors are doing at night and to be able to get cereal at night without the hazard of turning on the lights you would think they technology would have improved slightly in the 4 days we have had night vision.  I mean can’t we have night vision contact lenses yet?  Nope, you have to strap giant monoculars to your face (monoculars, good word, Meriam Webster didn’t think I knew all of his tricks…)

Has anybody told him it's day time? No, but I did tell him to look at the sun with them.

Best uses for Night Vision.

1) Reading the mail at night

2) Sleeping, I am scared of the dark…duh.

3) Fighting cats … needs to be a fair fight…right?

4) Jesus could see at night why can’t I?

end

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Awesome song of the Day # 77

ACE OF BASE – ALL THAT SHE WANTS

NATURE AWESOMENESS: NIGHT TIME!

I went to another portion of these states.  Texas. Surprisingly I wasn’t shot and the goat I brought wasn’t raped it was a really eye opening experience. Sometimes things really are just stereotypes!  So I was sleeping last night and I was thinking about zombies and popcorn, well not pop corn just orvelle reddinbocker. The point is when else can I have a mental party with the living dead and that popped corn guy?  Not day time, thats when I have to press buttons and thinks stuffs.  But at night time, I only have to drink Pabst blue ribbon and not get attacked by the ghouls who live under my bed.

What does nighttime mean to me?

Yea it is just a black picture! I am Hilarious! the night is black!

Well I am not a cat and I can’t see what goes on at night either!  Why is it that things get so much scarier at night time?  I would say because it is all the monsters that come out at night time.  Or the child molesters.  Yea the child molesters are why.  You don’t think things are scarier at night? You know what hawaii looks like when the sun turns off?

Hawaii is such a liar.

QUESTION! KING OF THE JUNGLE? LION / KING OF POP? MORGAN FREEMAN / KING OF THE NIGHT?

KITTIES! YOU DON'T THINK THEY RUN THE NIGHT? TRY SEEING AT NIGHT, OHH YOU CAN'T? WELL SKITTLES HERE CAN AND DRANK YOUR MILK....

KEEP LOOKING FOR MORE AWESOMENESS IN THE FUTURE!

BYE!

AWESOME SONG OF THE DAY #64

WHEN IN ROME – THE PROMISE

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