CANDY AWESOMENESS: MINI ROLOS!

I am notorious for being easy to please.  Con Air is on again? Well, so much for my daughter’s birthday.  Well, honestly I actually got her the Con Air blue ray for her birthday.  Which is basically the best birthday ever, I’d say.  She disagreed and wanted sour patch kids, or cabbage patch kids or something like that… So welcome to adoption little miss bossy pants!

That last group of sentences is actually why I will never be allowed to offspring with somebody.

So I was at K-mart buying new headphones and trying not to get stabbed or talked to by anybody.  I decided lunch was going to be (yes, you have read this right, somehow my lunch was originating from K-mart) candy.  Sometimes a lunch of candy is just what no doctor anywhere ordered.  I like the riddles skittles.  I like how skittles make my jaw hurt.  No pain no gain! That’s what my cat always says.  I have no idea what the riddles part is though.

Whoa, what do I see?  Mini fucking Rolos! Kablamo! (or insert your own sound of excitement)  Although it is odd.  Shooting off shotguns inside a K-Mart is actually legal and appropriate behavior.

You had me at lunch at K-Mart.

Finally.  The three things I have always been missing in my life.  Not knowing the actual size of a candy I was about to buy.  Don’t you hate when you accidently buy 3′ wide Werthers and the duffle bag they came in didn’t notify you of this? 2. I didn’t number 1, I hope this makes sense.  They show with a picture that their claim to contain chocolate and carmel is not fully bullshit.  I need visual proof.  I might believe in Jesus on faith, but not fucking hidden carmel.  Final thought. They are unwrapped! Although I feel bad for the indian children who lost their jobs wrapping Rolo’s.  I always thought it was fucking nonsense that I had to open this candy and then unwrap more candy.  I’m looking right at you Starbursts.  I’m not into physical activity or puzzles.  How do you open this tiny little candy origami? WHAT! I have to do it 8 more times! Ugh uncontrollable vomiting.

Just when I think I have lost all faith in American ingenuity the Rolo Corporation brings it back to a very modest level.  USA!

Who wants musics!

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Awesome Song of the Day #something

Motorama

Alps

Yeah! I’m back! I haven’t done this since May? What is wrong with me.

Well I ate candy lunch from K-Mart.  Alot.

Until the next time.

 

 

COCKY SON-OF-A-BITCH CANDY AWESOMENESS: LIFE SAVERS

Talk about thinking your shit doesn’t stink.  Life savers? Are you fucking shitting me?  You don’t get Snickers – “we will cure your cancer and blindness and depression candy”  Well, back that up, Snickers can cure depression.  Sad?  Just eat one. Done.

False Advertising. Cancer still beats them 10/10 times, our old friend Bill Nye agrees.

Not familiar with Life Savers?  Well, you have never met a 65+ year old then.  They love these things.  Finally figured out why… the promise of saving your life, the possibility of immortality.  Brad Pitt would say immortality take it is yours.  Old people agree hence all the life savers.  What a crock of shit these things are, old people die all the time! … But I like how old people think little kids are fooled by giving them life saver mints as candy.

I mean they are okay, Life Makers a Little Betters for 5 Minutes, much better name.  Rolls off the tongue, like french.  Or Life My Breath Won’t Stink for 38 Secondsers… again a logical and true improvement.

Life savers? That means you are equating yourself with what people wear when they are drowning?

Not to mention life savers hate fat girls.  Don’t judge me look for your self.

The Boys Love Slim Sally. She is saving her life by staying fit with life savers.... Holy Cow olden times.

The only life saver I need is Italian and a Stallion.  When I am drowning in a tunnel I won’t be turning to life savers to help me get boys, Nope. They can’t find the daylight… Great pun, just great.

Also considered a candy by some.

If you watched that clip from earlier (brad pitt link) it is time for me to turn my sword.

SWORD TURN!

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AWESOME SONG OF THE DAY #105

Deer Tick

Not So Dense

Please at least listen from 2:50 – 3:35. A+ scream!

CANDY AWESOMENESS: GUMMY WORMS!

That last post made me want to eat…soooo…..

We live in a wonderful time.  You can eat anything you want. Fungus that grows on shit? = Mushrooms.  Bull Testicles? = Rocky Mountain Oysters (note: my folks in the capital of Rocky Mountain Oysters: Severance, CO. where the motto is “where the geese fly and the bulls cry”.  Genius.  They should add were I get sick to my stomach to that slogan.)  AND!  It doesn’t stop there! Long fake sugar worms!  Not only that but you can get them in nearly any color.  Even colors that don’t exist yet. I love how somebody saw this:

I see this and I think of snacking!

And that made them think of this:

Good Enough For Fish Well Good Enough For Me!

Hmmm what is the most appetizing food available?  Yep Worms. I wish there was a way I could feed those to my kids!  Maybe stick one up my nose?   Don’t tell me you haven’t done it.  What I love about candy is it’s just sugar.  People feel bad about eating sugar out of a bag or jar.  But make it look like a gross bug and it’s really awesome and should be shared with your friends at lunch.  Well, fuck that I want gummy turds.  Cause if we are gonna be Americans we need to go all out and pull out all the stops…why stop with worms? The sky is the limit.

Moment of Seriousness: Thoughts are with those in Haiti.  Give to relief if you can.

End!

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Awesome Song of The Day #90

Broken Bells (Dude From The Shins and Danger Mouse ((Genius)))

The High Road

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