DEAR FUCKING GOD GOOBY IS SCARY!

Apparently World-Fest Film Festival in Houston is entirely populated by members who hate children and terror free nights.  Kids have enough to be scared of without having teddy bears all of a sudden being horrifying.  I mean I am only partially still a kid.

Bill Nye – Partially being a kid doesn’t really make sense Mr.  When you turn 18 you really are an adult.

Mr. (me) – Well by partially I mean I still wet my bed occasionally twice a night.  I like to one night stand ladies.  Instead of a note by the door, it’s a wet mattress.

Bill Nye – I think that just makes you disgusting.

Me – I eat crayons and glue?

Bill Nye – You’re probably going to die soon.  How often do you eat that?

Me – How often is dinner?

Bill Nye ….

Yea, I love shutting that brainiac up.  I kept spelling brainiac, braniac.  Which is also true.  I love me some fucking bran muffins.  COB, a little sexy bowl of Cracklin Oat Bran.  Really gives me boners.

You see that fold by the crotchal and left leg? Not a fold. Me blastin through. If you could see me I am holding up a hand for a high five.... i'll wait.

I bet gooby would wear those pants.

Who the fuck is this gooby character you are talking about.

Satan.

In simple terms.  Satan.

Movie executive: Let us make a wholesome family film.  As a basis we will make a children’s toy comes to life and teach a spunky youngin to live life to the fullest and not be scared of any obstacles.  Even Eugene Levy.

This sounds oddly familiar.  Kids toy.  Coming to life?…

Can’t quite put my fist on it.  I don’t like to point with a finger.  I like to point with my fist.  Much more authority.

Ohhh, that fucking thing...

No no no.  Gooby is wholesome! Gooby is fun.  Gooby is life lessons.  Gooby would never violently rape a kid.

Damnit. Not again Gooby.

Well, thanks Eugene Levy.  You ruined Teddy Bears for me.

Hi Child. Remember how you would let your family dog hump me? Everybody got a great laugh? Spot is humping the stuffed animal.. HAHAHA. Well spot is dead.... and so are you parents.

Why is it that Gooby looks like really hairy fat guys back?

These photos don’t do this fucking monster any justice

at one point that bastard gooby throws timmy’s dead body in some leafs.

Although you got to wonder why is Eugene Levy so intently reading that toilet paper.  Does he not get how to use it?  Is this a new product to him?

He probably uses the three seashells.

…

AWESOME SONG OF THE DAY!

THEOPHILUS LONDON

I Stand Alone

That cleansed my brain. Thanks TL.

 

 

 

 

TIME AWESOMENESS: DAY LIGHT SAVINGS TIME!

My supervisor told me yesterday that next weekend is Day Light Savings Time. After one of these.

Hooray for something! My office is a sunsetey beach? Well, technically having to pick up trash while chained to other people next to a guy on a horse with a shotgun isn't really considered a "job" persay. But my folks like to tell other people that I work outside.

Followed by one of these:

An Asian Grandpa taking a doo doo? Well jumping for joy makes me diarrhea prone and that photo is incredible. I hope they won that pulitzer.

I realized that I am pretty sure she is waiting for me to be an hour late and or early.  I like to game time decision whether or not I am going to fall forward or spring back. Routine is for suckers.  Although if you are 1 hour early to work nobody cares.  14 seconds late and you’re out looking for raccoons to eat.

Bill Nye: “That science doesn’t make sense.”

Me: “Well, you’re late, so you get fired.  Then you need something to wipe your tears away with and raccoon hides are super absorbent and the tongue is a delicacy. So you can be tear free, like baby shampoo, and not hungry.  Why do dogs and babies get the tear free shampoo and I am stuck here with this acid shit.  I always come out of the shower crying and people always assume I either just shit in the tub or saw myself in the mirror and burst into tears.”

Bill Nye: “Hey there flabs, you shit the tub again?”

Me: “It’s the goddamn shampoo!”

Bill Nye: “That is why I use baby shampoo”

Me: “That’s why you are the scientist and I just ate a raccoon.”

Why is it that we don’t have all the time day light savings time. I know in winter the sun is lower in the horizon and it’s naturally darker earlier.  I can live with that but then we decided to move our clocks so the sun goes down at 4:45 and we do it on purpose.  If we were drunk or an acid that action may make sense.  But we are just increasing the amount of time that vampires get to kill us and that is silliness. Just plain silliness.

Luckily I am powder from that movie and don’t go outside anyways.  F U vampires.  I’ll never invite you inside.  You’re just gonna have to go to my neighbor’s house.  They are idiots they will let you in.  Just don’t get my spare key from their drawer.

Crap.

—

AWESOME SONG OF THE DAY

BOB SEGER

We’ve Got Tonight

Bob Seger would stab John Cougar in the junk with his guitar.

SHIT TALKING AWESOMENESS: LEBRON JAMES EDITION!

People have awesome ways of saying they are going to kick peoples asses.  I like the old stand by.  Hey, Buddy. I’ll punch you in the throat with my fists. You can also use. Yo Guy. Stop touching my Mazda Protege or I will drive it into your house. Bill Nye “the Science Guy” doesn’t use violent words.  He just throws beakers of molten acid on your grille piece and laughs.  He then drives away in a car with grass on it, because he is one bad ass environmentalist.

Another Classic Nye Post Acid Attack Face. Zany Guy.

What the hell is going on on that TV behind Nye.

Bill Nye. “Bondage hot dog eating…”

Me “….” “ahhhHHHHH, AHHH!!!!’ “ACID!”

Bill Nye. “What have I said about looking at me”

Me “AHHHHH! ACID”

Bill Nye – Post Acid Face (refer to above photograph)

Would Bill Nye’s rap name be Ill Nye?

Lebron James apparently is from 1924 and has the best fighting lingo I have heard in ages.

I read the first 4 sentences of this article and knew I didn’t have to read any more.  That would be a waste of time.  I also knew that it was from yahoo news so nobody else is going to read it to check my shit.

http://sports.yahoo.com/blogs/nba-ball-dont-lie/lebron-threatened-kick-heckler-butt-gotta-problem-tough-153104602.html

That is the article if you are so inclined.

However this is all you needed.

“LeBron James told a heckling fan that he wanted to kick his tail all over the beltway, and if anyone has a problem with LeBron saying as much to that fan they can just take their heckles somewhere else”

I know this is a paraphrase.  But I only want to imagine this is how the whole thing went down.  Beltway? What the fuck is that.  The only people who can say things like, “I want to kick his tail” Are people like me who are very nasally and have to push their glasses up on their face as they say it.  Also, if you don’t like the heckling you can just take your heckles elsewhere? This solves nothing.  Pacifism never entertained me.  So I close my eyes and picture old basketball shooter McChinStrap (that lebron) kicking tails across beltways.  Only to get hit by Bill Nye’s Mazda Protege.

–

AWESOME SONG OF THE DAY

OBERHOFER

I CAN GO

Currently Pole Position for My favorite song of February 13, 2012.  Keep up the good work. Only two hours to keep that spot! Fuck I just told people what time zone I am in.  Here come the barrage of fan hand jobs.