ANIMAL AWESOMENESS: KANGAROOS!

There are few animals that deserved to be talked about.  Most sit there and play cards at corner bars or eat grass.  Unless they have some sort of scales or lasery horn they only deserved to be eaten or caged for general population amusement.  I feel like I can do what most animals do with style and class to spare.  Take a cat.  Sit in window sills, nap and shit into a sandy box.  I already do one of those things.  Can you guess the joke?

It is either

A: I already shit into sandy boxes!

B: I only nap after a long session of window sill.

C: Jumping Jack flash is my favorite movie poster.

An entire movie about Whoopie Goldberg doing jumping jacks? Well I have a boner.

Okay, trick question.  All of the above.  Except for the sand.  Or the box.  I have a floor. There is sand outside of house. That kind of counts.  My HOA says nothing about doo doo-ing and covering it gently and then licking my hands and cleaning my face.  Why do cats shit and then clean their face?

You know what animal I couldn’t be?  A Kangaroo.

Cute and fuzzy modern T - Rex.

That pouch thing blows my mind.  You keep babies in it?  I keep getting arrested for keeping my baby in a backpack.  How is nature fair?

If I had the baby pouch thing.  I would always be getting home and unload the used copy of the Joy Luck Club I just stole from the video game store when my wife Kangaroo would squeal.  I feel like Kangaroos probably squeal. “where the hell is Jr?” Cut to a shot of junior sitting in a rack of used DVD’s.  It wouldn’t be the biggest deal.  I mean I have to go back tomorrow for that copy of Law and Order SUV Miami Crime Scene Squad Unit Season 3 that I saw waiting for my collection.  But then I would get home and again “Where is Jr!?  To which I say, no idea but I do have 37 Slim Jim’s in here.  I think the moral of the story is that I would be a terrible father but I love Slim Jim’s and serious Ang Lee films.  Which is a tough break for the ladies on EHarmony with the likes section of must love Slim Jim’s and the Joy Luck Club.  Cause I win.

AWESOME SONG OF THE DAY (question mark)

EL TEN ELEVEN

FALLING

get passed the dude talking and its impressive.com

I’ve been trying to get people say .com after they say something.

Like when I punch people in the butt I say.  “you just got schooled.com”

It is a work in progress.  But I’ll make it happen.  I always do.  Boom.com

 

VERB AWESOMENESS: JUMPING!

Life can be boring. Cubicles, bologna, paint, astroids that aren’t exploded by Bruce Willis.  Those things all suck. Most things in life just need a little piz followed by some azz.  Speak them together it will blow your mind.

Take basketball.  Not jumping. Just 1 point – and boring as turds drying in the sun.

This guy is white and shooting a free throw. Dear lord blow my brains out.

Im not sure that prayer will be answered.  Not sure the lord is into blowing brains out.  I bet he has a wicked badass gold plated gun in a case with chicklets. Ahhh Castor Troy stole gods gun…and his gum.  I bet gods breath stinks.

Now add some jumping to this orange ball sport.

HOLY FUCKING SHIT!!!! DUNK SUNSET!!!!! I LOVE SPACE JAM (just thought you'd want to know)

Now that last picture really gets the juices flowing.  Like a juice river or gentle backyard waterfall or v8.

More examples? Are you sure you can handle it?

Ok. Mom take your heart pills before these next ones.

High five?

Good form but no airtime. No Spark! No passion!

Add a dash of pizzazzz? Sure. But Just a pinch.

Yep, jumped out of the atmosphere. And into our hearts.

I am sooo excited that the mom from Home Improvement is getting a new show on NBC. I will be watching it naked with the sound off.  Which is how I watch CSPAN and the nieghbor get ready in the morning….

Animals? Can they get any cooler? YES SILLY! JUMP!

Very Skinny Racoons doing some sort of Jump murder technique.

So I just decided to jump blog.  Didn’t really work out. Fell over and rolled my ankle.  It is all back and blue now.  I will leave the jumping to the animals.

—

Awesome Song of the Day #123

The Antlers – Two

ANIMAL AWESOMENESS: KOALA BEARS!

So cute.

Ahhhhh. Nature's Pillow.

Like me of the mini bear world. Wait! Fact check! Give me a pause………….

I am back, Professor Wikipedia, has informed yet again I am wrong and the English Language is full of shit.

Koala Bears are not in fact bears.  The name has fooled me for years and years and years and years. Maybe Koala Marsupial just didn’t sound right.  I think its got a cathy ring to it, and honesty is the best policy, thats what Momma TsandA always said. Until I found out that she was a double agent from Moscow trying to steal all my secrets…. can’t trust anybody not even the Koala.

You know what really makes them awesome.  Big doughey eyes? No, but close those do get me everytime.  The little button nose? No silly we aren’t talking about me.  The giant razor sharp claws that are supposed to be on a dragon not an actual Ewok. Yepppp. Look at these beasts!

Claws of a El Chupacabra? They freeekin wish.

Holy balls, they are so redic that they only need 3! (as far as I know that’s a guess this picture only shows 3 so they only have 3 toes)

The uses for these? Peeling fruits. Climbing Trees. Slashing other dirt bag Koalas in the grill when they step.  For real though, Im not even sure tigers want any piece of that.  That’s were they get you.

Koala – “Ahhh look at me I am cute as can be”

Tiger – “nice, gonna eat you bitch”

Swiping noise

Tiger – dead.

Koala then eats the Tiger while starring at the Tiger’s family and just points with one of those claws “don’t step”

Full of Tiger Meat. Look at the gnarly scar on the face! that's from Koala gang fighting. Truth.

Don’t judge a book by its cover.  Because that book could eat your tiger.

—-

Awesome Song of the Day #109

was a debate today, Rural Alberta Advantage is pretty sweet, but we’ve been without some rap for a minute.

The Clipse Ft. Camron (produced by the Neptunes)

Popular Demand (popeyes)

——–