BINARY AWESOMENESS: 10101000100101010100!!!!!

Posted in Awesome, awesome song of the day, awesomness, Bill Nye, blog, comedy, Dork, Humor, Internet Photographs, Technology, What the Fuck? with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on May 16, 2012 by tsanda

1001010101010010101010101010101010100000011111101010111010101010001101010000000100000111111101010101001011110101010

1010101100101010100000001111101010000101010101010101010101000001011101110001110001101010

10100101

“10001110100101010000110001”

“100010011101110000011101010101”

Binary, Blog, Humor, Jokes, Humor, Awesomeness

0001001110101001010101 101001010101010!!!

11010010010011010100001010101010001111111111110111111111011111110000010101010 01 10100 0101 10 10 10 100000111010 1010101 010101

010101010 101 101010010101 0101

101010 1010 01 011111000 10101 01 010 10 01010010101

0101 101 0010011000 10101001

01010101

Binary, Blog, Humor, Jokes, Humor, Awesomeness

10101010101 10101 01010101010

10101 00101 01010 101001 01 010 10 10  23827828917189728179838928972817  10 1010010101 1010 10101 100010100101 01010 010100101010

0101010

10101

101010 100100 1010

Binary, Blog, Humor, Jokes, Humor, Awesomeness

1010101010101????

10101!!!

1010 1010101010!

1100101010

1001010

—-

 

 

Bill Nye “what the fuck is wrong with you?”

“1001010010”

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TERRIBLE PARENTING and CHILD AWESOMENESS: I HAVE TO POOP!

Posted in Awesome, awesome song of the day, awesomness, blog, Children, comedy, Dork, Humor, Space with tags , , , , , , , , on May 15, 2012 by tsanda

So I saw a video that is making the rounds on the world wide web. It involves the youngest member of MENSA, which I always thought stood for the Men Space Association.  Which was great cause we don’t want coodies in space.  We have enough problems to worry about with giant solar flares that are going to cause 2012.  I saw that movie.  We are fucked.  I am still trying to find John Cusack so he can wisk me to safety.  No Amanda Peet though.  That lady is annoying.  So this kid is a badass. A certified genius by the age of 3.  Loves donuts and just yells I have to poop when its time to bathroom.

Here watch this.

That kid is a spitting image of me.  Not when I was a kid… Right now.  That kid and I could hang out.  At work I keep getting dirty looks because after my morning coffee I just yell.

“Ohhh boy I have to doo doo”

Until somebody brings me a bucket or I doo doo my sweatpants. Yeah, I am allowed to wear sweatpants to my office.  I don’t get fired because I think they think I am mentally handicapped.

First thing that kid does while at the Today Show.  Eat a bakers dozen.  Who cares about meeting Al Roker.  Those fucking donuts have frosting and sprinkles!

What about that kids horrible parents.  Their kid is screaming I have to shit my fucking pants on national television and what do they do.  Tell her to shut the fuck up and stop ruining their moment for making such a smart baby.  At one point the dad like a smug piece of shit says.  “I’m sorry about this” What! You’re sorry that your just passed being a baby child has to crap and she isn’t being more polite about it????  I wish that kid would have just dropped trow and shit all over her dads feet.  Then flipped him off and yelled I’m out.  That’s what I would do.  Probably why I wasn’t invited back to the today show for my amazing lowest IQ score ever.  I posted it on my fridge.  That interviewer is a cunt too. That is a harsh word.  I know my mom told me not to use it unless I am talking about draculas.  But that skank face couldn’t roll with the punches either.  Ohh your tummy hurts.  Well stop ruining my bit! I don’t want to go back to ring girl at the holiday inn cage fights.  I wish a car came through that building and took out that kids parents and the interviewer.  That car would be driven by Steven Hawkings mind.  He would bring her to MENSA head quarters and she could eat all the donuts her heart desires and then cure cancer.  That kid rules.

I want a bakers two dozen.  That’s 43 donuts.  Hey, I didn’t make up the math.

AWESOME SONG OF THE DAY

ROMAN CANDLE

THEY SAY

I wish I could sing and not make windows break and heads explode.  It is my greatest power and my greatest downfall.  Ohh sweet justice.

 

 

PRIME MINISTER AWESOMENESS: VLADIMIR PUTIN!

Posted in Awesome, awesome song of the day, awesomness, blog, comedy, Humor with tags , , , , , , , , , , on May 9, 2012 by tsanda

My grandfather once said that Russians were no better than animals which was confusing to me because animals are awesome.  Duckbilled Platypus or Flying Squirrels? No more words needed about that.  The extent of my knowledge of Russians is what I have learned from James Bond and they are usually trying to take over the world.  I disagree, if they are anything like their Prime Minister, old Vlad Putin, they are just trying to enjoy the finer things in life.

When I have a rough day at work what is the first thing I want to do when I get home?  Bubble Bath? That is second.  Double Dutch competition with the Jensen sisters down the street? That is saturday morning stuff.  Shirtless Horseback riding? Ding Ding Ding.

Vladimir Putin, Shirtless Horseback Riding, Russia, Prime Minister, Blog, Humor, Comedy, Jokes

He is probably going off to hand to hand combat a Russian Bear. Then wear its skin home.

That is awesome.  Obama ever done anything this cool?  Not likely.  Somebody would probably complain about skin cancer or animal abuse.  Putin knows the secret to a good leader is a fantastic tan.

After he rides the horse to the edge of death what does he do? He lets his steed drink water while he takes a gentle dip to recharge his engines and cool his weary bones.

Vladimir Putin, Shirtless Horseback Riding, Russia, Prime Minister, Blog, Humor, Comedy, Jokes

Relax? I meant to say Butterfly Stroke, a perfect one at that, across a lake that is probably 5 miles long.

All this shirtless horseback and olympic quality swimming has got him hungry.  He chops down a tree and makes a fishing pole.

Vladimir Putin, Shirtless Horseback Riding, Russia, Prime Minister, Blog, Humor, Comedy, Jokes

Actually he is now fishing for whales off the coast of Siberia.

After he eats his whale.  He needs to let off a little aggression.  Some silly American was caught spying on him.  Instead of chopping off his head or drowning him in a kiddy pool during his sons sweet 16.  Judo throw!

Vladimir Putin, Shirtless Horseback Riding, Russia, Prime Minister, Blog, Humor, Comedy, Jokes

Please go tell Obama to stop spying on me and if he wants to shirtless hang glide I am going next weekend over Chechnya.

Whoa that is a long day.  I need to win the World Cup for mother russia.  But we can only play in suits. Because not only are we obviously superior to all other countries in all ways, but we need to look dashing at the same time.

Vladimir Putin, Shirtless Horseback Riding, Russia, Prime Minister, Blog, Humor, Comedy, Jokes

Fuck you Ronaldo. This is how you make soccer look good.

Somebody should teach these Russians that if they bunch like that they are going to get killed on the counter attack.  ohhh the KGB will just shoot the other team?  That works too.

AWESOME SONG OF THE DAY

BUCK 65 – PAPER AIRPLANE

Long Live Creative Music

MONSTER AWESOMENESS: LAZY MONSTERS!

Posted in Awesome, awesome song of the day, awesomness, blog, comedy, Humor, Monsters with tags , , , , , , , , , , on May 7, 2012 by tsanda

I was going to write a post about doing the limbo until I realized that is a terrible idea. However, I was going to write however and then put a comma after it so I successfully got that off my bucket list.  The hula is a crazy ass game though.  Somebody saw something and was like I wonder how low I can put that and still walk under it and it lasted eternity.  But somehow lawn darts and lawn axe throwing didn’t stand the test of time.  Kids need to be tougher.  Less limbo, more getting stabbed.

Although when I was searching for pictures of the limbo somehow this gem came up.  No, I still have no idea how google images works.

Zombie, Blog, Humor, Awesome, Walking Dead, AMC

Hey, you human. Come here. I want to bite you. But I need you to put your hand in my mouth. Then close it for me hard enough where it punctures your skin.  Then I need you to get some of my saliva into it.  You did all that?  Good you’re a zombie.  Damnit! I need to stop following instructions so well.

Walking Dead is a pretty sweet show.  Zombies and Drama. Zrama.  This zombie always cracks me up.  Just lying there making noises and gently reaching out for some human to accident fall into its teeth.  I realize it didn’t have legs but thats no excuse! Wheelchair zombies! Time to overcome some diversity.  Overcome adversity?  That doesn’t make any sense.

Humans are lazy.  Most monsters were once humans.  So there has to be some other lazy ass monsters.  Like a Werewolf that is fat as hell and just sits on his porch rocking in a rocking chair with a shotgun.  Then when kids skateboard by, he shoots them.  Then goes to bed and complains to the wife how obnoxious the youth is these days.  She then tells him, that she has told him once she has told him a million times, they cannot have sex when he is a werewolf.  Life just isn’t fair for a lycan.

Or a Lochness monster that drowns because they get sick of all that swimming.

I wonder how somebody becomes one of those things?  Vampire Bite = Transformation, Werewolf Bite = Transformation, Zombie Bite = Transformation… Lochness Monster bukkake = Transformation.  Gross, I have just decided to not go to any place other then the US.  I am trying to avoid Lochness bukkake. Weird, I thought a monster Bukkake would come from a Asian country.  Just goes to show that you cannot stereotype.

This song literally came out 3 hours ago according to the internets. Song is exploding my brains.  Are they legit rappers? Comedians? Just cool fucking dudes?  Lazy Werewolves? I hope all.

Childish Gambino Ft Flynt Flossy & Yung Humma

Literally the best song ever.

 

 

I’m back. I didn’t die. But let me tell you about it!

Posted in Awesome, awesome song of the day, awesomness, blog, comedy, Humor, Sickness with tags , , , , , , , on May 3, 2012 by tsanda

I took a few days off last week to enjoy the company of a good friend who was in town.  Sunday was going to be a productive day.  Then, I had the joy of taking some time off from living life as a functioning human being to enjoy the joys of food poisoning.  What was the culprit? Some undercooked chicken from Chipotle.  I am a lucky guy.  I have had food poison my body 4-5 times.  I can mark Deli Zone, Denny’s and now Chipotle off the list of places I will ever eat again.  Food poisoning is a wicked good workout though.  Full body dry heaves to tighten the core and my buns.  Losing all water and food weight for that slimming summer body.  It is pretty wonderful.  I am pretty sure I even hallucinated that Willem Dafoe was wearing trash bag coveralls.

Willem Dafoe, Streets of Fire, Raven

Ohh wait that was just Streets of Fire.

Streets of Fire was my nickname for my buttle during this whole ordeal.  Food poisoning has to be nature’s sodomy.  Something god does to people he is mad at.  There is something shameful feeling about sitting indian style in your shower just to try and feel clean.  Probably because every time in a movie when somebody is just hanging out in a shower something terrible really did just happen to them.

Do you want visual of my bodies purge?

Katy Perry, Food Poisoning, Cannon

This is the G Rated yet still disgusting image of what was going on.

To help your imagination if you are having trouble. I actually dye my chode hair blue and my legs are that sexy smooth.  It’s weird that so many people were paying me to do this to them.  But like my mom always said.  There are a lot of freaks out there.

I was researching this post by trying to find Willem Dafoe wearing plastic and Katy Perry diarrhea gun.  I am on some blogs for some awesome search term stats.

I’m glad other people got to endure my pain with me.  I found this awesome article online.

http://www.washingtonpost.com/world/the_americas/317-youngsters-adults-suffer-food-poisoning-after-childrens-day-party-in-mexican-village/2012/04/30/gIQAtfpqsT_story.html

“317 Youngsters, Adults suffer food poisoning after children’s party in Mexican Village”

The best part of the story is what they got sick eating.  Spaghetti, Beef, Salsa and Cake.  What a ramshackle assortment of food. Spaghetti for a birthday with mystery beef? What the hell does the salsa go on the cake? No wonder they all vomited all over each other.  They are investigating the cause of the poisoning?  Let’s be fair here people.  You have a birthday in a Mexican village you are probably as likely to get your head cut off in a drug war as you are to get food poisoning.

Okay.  I haven’t really slept in 4 days so I am going to attempt that.  I will probably read this later and wonder what the fuck I was talking about.   But that would require me to know how to read.

yeah!

AWESOME SONG OF THE DAY

BEACH HOUSE

LAZULI

I love me some Beach House.

 

MOVIE AWESOMENESS: JASON STATHAM IN SAFE!

Posted in Action, Actors, Awesome, awesome song of the day, awesomness, blog, comedy, Humor, Movies with tags , , , , , , , , , on April 23, 2012 by tsanda

Jason Statham is really fucking good and protecting and transporting things, people, briefcases, etc.  You are really excited to see Safe, a new action thriller coming out soon.  But crud!  There are a lot of movies out these days and you can’t get to them all.  I mean we are all probably chomping at the bit to see some Johnny Depp movie about an ancient vampire who is blown away by TV’s and Mcdonalds….right…? This is just vampire Harry and the Hendersons… and that my friend is a masterpiece.  It’s only down hill when you don’t have John Lithgow involved.

Harry and the Hendersons, John Lithgow, Harry, Bigfoot, humor, comedy

Lithgow here. I just added this picture because that's how I hope John Lithgow answers the phone.

So I will do you a huge solid and give you a run down of the movie.  I had to save my own time so I haven’t watched it either.  But I am willing to bet 3 cases of rootbeer milk that I am pretty darn close.

If the movie poster is any indication this movie is gonna be good.

Safe, Jason Statham, Guns, Movie, Blog, Humor

Find your own kid napping victim. She is mine.

Jason Statham plays Uzi Sanchez.  A down on his luck Mexican Boxer.  He has been homeless since his last big beat and also got kicked off the force for not being corrupt.

He devises a perfect scheme.  Kidnap a little asian girl who is good with numbers to help him win scratch tickets.  So he can then win the money to enter a kickboxing competition to save his blind half brother from an Australian hit squad.

Jason Statham, Safe, Humor, Comedy

The homeless years: I hope they edit out the scene where I eat sausages from a dumpster.

They don’t that scene is gritty and real.

Statham, Jason Statham, Safe, blog, humor, comedy

Hey Buddy, I've told you once I've told you twice, stop giving hand jobs in our dumpster!

Okay, so for the first half of the movie Uzi is hooked on smack and can’t stop trying to give hand jobs for the money.  It’s then he sees his salvation.  The math kid.

Statham, Jason Statham, Safe, Yelling at a kid, Humor, Comedy

HEY KID!!! AHHHHH!!!! CAN YOU COUNT TO 7 11 OR 21?????!!!!!!??!?!?!

Uzi’s weakness is for 7 11 21, a scratcher, that is a real head scratcher.  You have to add 3 numbers and if they are 7 11 or 21 you win! But those are the 3 hardest numbers to add up to in the English Dictionary.  Many a sad afternoon you could find Uzi crying while looking at a ticket trying to count on his fingers.  Most of which he lost in a man vs chicken fighting ring in lower manhattan.

Statham, Jason Statham, Safe, Comedy, Blog, Humor

Shit. It's daytime. I probably should have done this a little more secretively.

As you can imagine they pretty much run around in circles and many times he yells at her.  “Don’t worry, I wont let you go home to your parents until you win me the $5,0000 grab prize.”

Then a miracle.

A Winner.

7+3+1.  He steals some kids Nokia plays some snake. Then adds the numbers. 11. Holy shit. I did it.

Jason Statham, Safe, Comedy, Humor, Blog

Hey mister, did you save enough after buying that suit to save your brother?....shit.

He then holds this pose and the gun at the girl for the final 23 minutes of the movie while a God Speed You Black Emperor song plays in its entirety in the background.

Screen goes black.  You hear a gunshot.  Did he kill her… or himself?  Maybe one of the thousand cops following up on the Amber Alert shot him…  One of those great movie mysteries that will be talked about for years to come.  Maybe it was all a dream?

Credits role. Written, Directed, Starred, Produced, Edited, Shot and Catered by Jason Statham.  That guy can do it all.

The End….Or is it?/ To Be Continued / Maybe … Shrug.

AWESOME SONG OF THE DAY

Gladys Knight and the Pips

Midnight Train to Georgia

MILK AWESOMENESS: ROOT BEER MILK?

Posted in Awesome, awesome song of the day, awesomness, blog, clothing, Food, Humor, What the Fuck? with tags , , , , , , , , , , on April 22, 2012 by tsanda

I stole this photograph from my brother. Apparently this exists and I can’t quite wrap my head around it. Or Rap my head around it. Nothing cool rhymes with Rootbeer Milk. Glutesmear Rilk? Those aren’t even words!

Root Beer Milk

A much better seller than the Old Fashioned Mr. Pibb milk.

I looked this up on the internet and apparently it is real. Apparently back in history people would mix rootbeer and milk. I’m a little unsure still whether or not this is real. Because it’s “old fashioned” not “olde fashionede” adding e’s to the ends of words that don’t neede it makes things seeme oldere and more authentice.

How did this occur? Rootbeer milk. Those two things together sounds like the devil’s poison.

I get carmel eggs and ice cream tacos. Those make perfect sense to me. Wheat grass marshmallows and Jamba Juice nachos? These things I would mix in a heartbeat.

First of all milk is stupid and root beer is like the 8th best soda. I have no idea how this happened. Could I bet behind some milk squirt? Other than the name sounds horribly sexual and 100% unappetizing. I’d try it.

Hell, I’d even go Milk + Crystal Pepsi.

Quite frankly I’d be more psyched for turd water.

I’m going to calm my nerves with a sweet glass of Maple Syrup Ginger Ale. That would probably be the most canadian thing since, Canada.

AWESOME SONG OF THE DAY

Theophilus London FT. ASAP Rocky

Big Spender