Jason Statham is really fucking good and protecting and transporting things, people, briefcases, etc. You are really excited to see Safe, a new action thriller coming out soon. But crud! There are a lot of movies out these days and you can’t get to them all. I mean we are all probably chomping at the bit to see some Johnny Depp movie about an ancient vampire who is blown away by TV’s and Mcdonalds….right…? This is just vampire Harry and the Hendersons… and that my friend is a masterpiece. It’s only down hill when you don’t have John Lithgow involved.
Lithgow here. I just added this picture because that's how I hope John Lithgow answers the phone.
So I will do you a huge solid and give you a run down of the movie. I had to save my own time so I haven’t watched it either. But I am willing to bet 3 cases of rootbeer milk that I am pretty darn close.
If the movie poster is any indication this movie is gonna be good.
Find your own kid napping victim. She is mine.
Jason Statham plays Uzi Sanchez. A down on his luck Mexican Boxer. He has been homeless since his last big beat and also got kicked off the force for not being corrupt.
He devises a perfect scheme. Kidnap a little asian girl who is good with numbers to help him win scratch tickets. So he can then win the money to enter a kickboxing competition to save his blind half brother from an Australian hit squad.
The homeless years: I hope they edit out the scene where I eat sausages from a dumpster.
They don’t that scene is gritty and real.
Hey Buddy, I've told you once I've told you twice, stop giving hand jobs in our dumpster!
Okay, so for the first half of the movie Uzi is hooked on smack and can’t stop trying to give hand jobs for the money. It’s then he sees his salvation. The math kid.
HEY KID!!! AHHHHH!!!! CAN YOU COUNT TO 7 11 OR 21?????!!!!!!??!?!?!
Uzi’s weakness is for 7 11 21, a scratcher, that is a real head scratcher. You have to add 3 numbers and if they are 7 11 or 21 you win! But those are the 3 hardest numbers to add up to in the English Dictionary. Many a sad afternoon you could find Uzi crying while looking at a ticket trying to count on his fingers. Most of which he lost in a man vs chicken fighting ring in lower manhattan.
Shit. It's daytime. I probably should have done this a little more secretively.
As you can imagine they pretty much run around in circles and many times he yells at her. “Don’t worry, I wont let you go home to your parents until you win me the $5,0000 grab prize.”
Then a miracle.
7+3+1. He steals some kids Nokia plays some snake. Then adds the numbers. 11. Holy shit. I did it.
Hey mister, did you save enough after buying that suit to save your brother?....shit.
He then holds this pose and the gun at the girl for the final 23 minutes of the movie while a God Speed You Black Emperor song plays in its entirety in the background.
Screen goes black. You hear a gunshot. Did he kill her… or himself? Maybe one of the thousand cops following up on the Amber Alert shot him… One of those great movie mysteries that will be talked about for years to come. Maybe it was all a dream?
Credits role. Written, Directed, Starred, Produced, Edited, Shot and Catered by Jason Statham. That guy can do it all.
The End….Or is it?/ To Be Continued / Maybe … Shrug.
AWESOME SONG OF THE DAY
Gladys Knight and the Pips
Midnight Train to Georgia