GUNS AWESOMENESS: HIDDEN ARM GUNS!

Full disclosure.  That was my penis I just showed you. I should have probably said full disclosure and then showed you my party tyme trio, thus giving you some chance of looking away.  Rather I just pulled down my pants while your back was turned and then when you turned back around I was pointing straight at it… and!……. it was point straight at you.  Damn kid. That one was good. I mean party tyme trio and an erection joke in one paragraph Hemingway ain’t got shit.

Fact of sciences#44: You cannot look away from something that somebody is pointing at.  Don’t ask me, I don’t make the rules. Ask Johnny Mnemonic.

My Face Itches.

Hey, I just said you could ask him.  I can’t guarantee the answer you get.

So, when I was saying full disclosure and got caught up in kinda being a bit perveee, I was going to talk about how much I love guns.  One of my favorite guns?  The hidden arm gun. You know what I am talking about.  That little sexy bitch that slides into place on the metal track on your forearm and then when the moment is right, you get to shoot somebody in the face.

I suck at this gun though.  I keep forgetting to take it off and then when I am orchestrating an orchestra and my arm gun engages all sorts of people start screaming and running.  Some guy has a Nam flashback.  I shot a cat.  I mean it probably wouldn’t be so bad if I just put it back into its holster but I have to pop a couple off when it happens.  It’s another rule of sciences. When hidden arm guns slide out shots are gonna get taken then fired.

It's amazing that nobody in that bar noticed his popeye arms and wondered if he was about to go all bananas on that place.

I should have watched Desperado prior to going on my murderous rampage.  Instead, I just listened to Desperado by The Eagles and apparently didn’t gleam the same information.  I don’t think gleam is a word.  Well, it is now. Fuck you Miriam Webster.

Because when I first discovered these weapons I put the gun on my calf instead of my forearms.  So here I was in a big old pickadilly.  Guns everywhere.  I had a smug ass look on my face.  Somebody said.  “Hey, Poncho. You die next.”  Which is how I always wanted to go out, so I was kinda torn.  But not today.  I did an Elvis leg shake to engage my weapon and my leg gun just fell out of my pants onto the floor and I got shot to death.  Apparently the whole purpose is to catch it in your hand. Huh. Silly me.

 

Perfect Creshendo into a 9 minute long Music Video about Jake Gyllenhaal getting shaves and killing people with fencing gear.

The real song doesn’t start till about 2:30 but the incredible starts immediately.

The Shoes

TIME TO DANCE

WEAPON AWESOMENESS: SWITCH BLADES!

I like knives.  They useful.  They cut my bread, they cut my steaks, they can cut through cans and they can murder people.  Whoa, whoa, whoa…. hold on there my mom says.  You can afford steaks and yet you don’t buy your momma a Christmas present?!  Yeah mom, how do you think I can afford Steaks all the time?

My favorite knife? The switch blade.  You probably thought I was going to say the knife fighting monkey, but alas…that isn’t technically a knife.  It is more of a monkey, with a knife.  Okay, you got that?… You probably also thought I was going to say the machete.  Nope.  Those are only practical for jungle warfare.  I pass through life in the suburbs.  I need discretion.  I need to be able to keep a knife in my shoe so just in case some guy steals my parking space at the 7-11 I can cut his brakes or throat.  Depends on my mood. Or his car.  I refuse to cut the brakes of the classics.  Pinto, Yugo, 1997 yellow Volkswagon Beetle.  But you already knew I wasn’t going to cut my own brakes.

Just cruise'n for babes.

People take people with switch blades seriously.  Have you ever not given a sandwich to a homeless guy with a switchblade? Trick question he killed you for that sandwich.  That is why he has a switchblade…and why you can’t remember giving him a sandwich… Weird right? You being dead and all, you thought you’d be in heaven.  This blog is kinda like the six sense….Cause your dead… Jeeez you’re slow.

I mean you press a button and a blade comes out!  What else is there to say? Grandma what is that shiny pearl thing in your hand?  “Click, Slank, Frreerttt, bleeding”.  That is the sound of you getting stabbed by your tricky grandma.

Do they come in yellow? It's gotta match my boots and my whip.

Holy fuck you say…there are a lot of people getting stabbed this edition, to that I say.  Yea.

Switchblades will do that, you get one in your hand, and you just have to stab something.  Look at this old timey actor.  He means to do some murdering.

Jack Lemmon wants your sandwich!

Is that Jack Lemmon?  Who cares…. I wish Ted Dansen was every part in every movie.  That guy is a charmer.  He probably wouldn’t stab you.

This guy would.

Timmy, never made fun of Joey's overalls ever again... because he was dead.

Okay, you’re right.  I’ve got to stop killing imaginary people in my blog.  Time to go pick up imaginary girlies in my real beetle.

Night.

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AWESOME SONG OF THE NIGHT #147

KAYNE WEST

MONSTER

“Now first things first Imma eat your brains…then I am gonna start rocking Gold Teeth and Fangs.”

Kanye’s new album is incredible.

WEAPON AWESOMENESS: SLEEVE WEAPONS!

Shirt sleeves are so useless most of the time.  I mean all of my shirts are sleeveless, gym shirts, work shirts, wedding shirts, funeral shirts, sleeping, eating, swimming pool shirts.  I just can’t see a good reason to cover these pythons.  Until yesterday.  I got in to a knife fight with some guy.  He had nothing.  Just stupid fists and a shit long sleeved dumb ass shirt. I laughed for about 35 seconds in his face with my pocket knife waving in his face.  Then he smiled and “swhhoooommmmmp” (onimonipea) and giant swords came flying out of his shirts! HE WASN’T EVEN WOLVERINE!  I lost, it goes without saying.  So, I am laying in the hospital this morning, licking my wounds and thinking, how did he do that?  … Then like a ray of light from the Dawn….Those fucking sleeves are good for something.  Hiding Weapons, and I love my weapons.

That's what I get for picking a fight with the guy from Hell Boy.

So i’ve healed, fast healer, like a cat.  I strapped a couple swords under my shirt.  Got ready to pick a fight.  This time, I went to a Mexican Cantina. Lovely little joint.  Mariachi music playing in the background, I take a Sol and sat and waited for somebody, who A) would fight me, then B) I could win.  So this punk ass little pretty boy walks in and steps on my toe.

Direct Quote From Me – “hey? what the heck!”

Him – “some word in spanish”

Me – “……”

Him – “Lo Siento”

Me – “Ohhh well fuck you too”. Swords pop out, commence laughing.

Him – “sccchhhhwwippp ( more noises that sound like their spelled ) GUNS? WHAT THE FUCK!

Maybe I have misjudged this pretty guitar playing man. Crap x2.

I gotta stop fighting guys from movies already.  I saw Clubber Lang and ran the other way.  He didn’t have sleeves but I guarantee he has a laser cannon hidden in his mohawk.

What do I do? Here is what I did tonight, after my bullet wounds healed.  Yea wound-s plural.  Jerk shot my 6 times.

I went to Burma, smuggled a tiger out of the country, strapped a Mini Gun on it’s head and stuck it in my pant leg.  Who wants a piece? You Antonio Banderas? Didn’t think so.

Bring it.

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Awesome Song of The Day #101

Annie Lennox

Walking On Broken Glass

(Guest starring John Malkavich)

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