Archive for the Uncategorized Category

2012: Not Just For John Cusack Anymore!

Posted in Uncategorized on December 18, 2012 by tsanda

So the world ends in a couple of days. We have that going for us.  So all that credit card debt and pregnant girls are no big deal. End of the world bucket list is a must.  Mine: 1. Clean the place. Can’t have the Apocalypse Cyclops, or Cyclocalypse, or Gerry, as his cyclops friends call him, see and smash my world and have it look a mess.  That silly guy hates dirt.  He is like a much meaner murdery Mr. Clean.

Hi, I'm Gerry.  Time for the apocalypse. Apocalypse by seduction is my game. (you have to say that outloud in a throaty lispy voice for full effect)

Hi, I’m Gerry. Time for your personal sensual apocalypse. Apocalypse by seduction is my game. (you have to say that outloud in a throaty lispy voice for full effect)

That is a really creepy picture. Why does it have normal hands and monster feet.  Ohh it’s a monster? It is actually weirder that it has normal hands in the first place.  No, I have no idea what a personal sensual apocalypse is…. But it sounds painful.  Emotionally and for your butt.  You know what would be a dangerous food for a cyclops to eat? Bugles. You can’t eat bugles (cause they are disgusting) without putting them on your fingers like little finger hats.  But if a cyclops with their terrible depth perception tried to eat a bugle off their finger they would stab themselves right in the cyclops.  Whoa, I know how to win the end of days…

We need bugles!

End of days bucket list 2: Watch End of Days.  Seeing Arnie beat up the Devil never fails to make me cry.  Poetic Justice.

End of days bucket list 3: Make sure John Cusack is standing by with a limo and an endless supply of airplanes to take off just in front of explosions.  It is nice actually because after The Raven John Cusack was actually pretty affordable and is on call for me.

I promise! People want a crime fighting Edgar Allen Poe movie!

I promise! People want a crime fighting Edgar Allen Poe movie!

That’s my list. It is a good one.  Time to pop that ole VHS in the player and knock of #2.

Awesome song for the end of the World

Blackbird Blackbird

It’s a War

 

 

 

TV SHOW AWESOMENESS: AWAKE!

Posted in Awesome, awesome song of the day, awesomness, blog, comedy, Dork, Humor, Movies, Television, Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , on March 22, 2012 by tsanda

Again something I’ve never seen before.  I enjoy talking about stuff I know nothing about other than my immediate preconceptions. I find things are usually neater in my brain than in real life. Like how Wrath of the Titans has fucking nothing to do with Remember the Titans.  I was expecting a violently inspirational equal rights story.  Instead all we  get is Sam Waterston flying a horse.  What? Worthington? Damnit.  I thought he was stuck on a ledge.

Awake, according to a TV guide sentence I skimmed, is about a guy who gets in a car crash and either his son dies or his wife dies depending on whether or not he is dreaming and which dream/reality he is in.  That is a great idea.  However, that guy has the most depressing and boring dreams ever.  I’d have to decide between a world where I ride falcor to fight predators with John Spartan and Simon Phoenix.

John Spartan, Knitting, Demolition Man, Sly Stallone

John Spartan knitting me a red sleeveless kimono.

Addition Sign

Simon Phoenix, Demolition Man, Wesley Snipes

Simon Phoenix is such a good name Nick Cage is fucking furious he was not in this movie.

Plus

Falcor, Neverending Story

Little Known Fact: Falcor was fired from the Rock-afire Explosion for railing to much coke.

=

Predator

Murdered Predator. I don't take spines and skulls though. I collect stamps.

It’s better than my alternate dreamality.

Madea

Shivers.

+

The Gimp, Pulp Fiction

Damnit, I thought you were sleeping

Now my shrink has to figure out what is wrong with me.  Good Luck Billy Crystal.

AWESOME SONG OF THE DAY

Rock-afire explosion Covering Usher and Young Jeezy

Love in this Club

 

 

UNCONVENTIONAL HERO AWESOMENESS: THE FERAL KID FROM THE ROAD WARRIOR!

Posted in Awesome, awesome song of the day, awesomness, blog, comedy, Dork, Humor, Movies, Stuff, Stupid, The 80's, Uncategorized, What the Fuck? with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on March 11, 2012 by tsanda

When you have this trying to steal your gas.

LORD HUMUNGOUS, The Road Warrior, Mad Max II

Lord Humungous. 3x winner of Mr. Post Apocalyptic Australia. Give me your oil or I will wear less!

You need an unconventional hero.

Me: “hey Kid, Lord Humungous and his gang are going to breakdown our walls and take our gas.  After they beat us in body building and mohawk championships they are going to violate our women and kill our men.”

Feral Boy from the Road Warrior.

Rah! Grrrrrrr! Arf Arf Arf

Me:…… “What the fuck did you say.”

Me: “Where the hell did he go?”

Master Blaster: “He went into one of his tunnels, probably trying to get to barter town.”

Gyrocopter Guy: “Shut up Master Blaster, you aren’t even in this movie.”

Me: “Thanks Gryo Guy. Now you shut up too”

Feral Kid:

Feral Kid from the Road Warrior Laughing

"raar, rar, ahh ahhh farp zzzrp"

Me: Damn kid, you laugh really weird.  Did I catch a Zzzerp in there?

Kid: (does a backflip)

Me: …….

Lord Humungous: ” I am here for all of your leather and metal clasps”

Guy from Commando:

Vernon Wells in the Road Warrior

Wait I am in Commando? Awesome! The breeze up here on this oil rig sure cools my ass less chaps!

=

Vernon Wells in Commando

I'm gonna shoot you between the balls, but after I finish shitting my ass less chaps. I don't wear those in this movie? Weak.

“Lord Humungous, me and my kid or gay lover, depends on what Wikipedia writer is on that day, are going to steal their gas, how about that idea?”

Lord Humungous and Vernon Wells the Road Warrior

Lord Humungous "Ohh Really? You're in charge? Well now your just tied up". Vernon Wells: "You could at least say something cool like, let off steam or something..."

Me: “Shit we are surrounded”

Gyro Guy: “We need somebody who can slip outside undetected and then throw a boomerang multiple times before hitting something and be really lucky that nobody tries to catch, kill, shoot, trap, murder him…”

Me: “Gryo Guy, shut the fuck up, your teeth are gross… I am trying to think, I can’t think with those grossies in my grille… We need somebody who can slip outside undetected and then throw a boomerang multiple times before hitting something and be really lucky that nobody tries to catch, kill, shoot, trap, murder him…”

Me: “But who is our man”

Feral Boy: “grawlop”

Me: “Can you throw in a backflip for good measure?”

Feral Boy from the Road Warrior

THIS IS MY BACKFLIP FACE!

Me: Damn and some fingertips!?!

AWESOME SONG OF THE DAY

THEY MIGHT BE GIANTS

FINGERTIPS (see what I did there?)

HOUSEWIFE AWESOMENESS: SELF CLEANING OVEN!

Posted in Uncategorized on March 10, 2012 by tsanda

So I am not a master of all things house oriented.  I recently purchased a home and I have a oven.  It bakes stuff.  Mostly hot pockets and pop tarts. Or Hot Pocket Pop Tart Sandwiches.

But this thing has a self cleaning mode.  Where it just locks itself and gets really hot.

What the fuck is the difference between self cleaning mode and cooking mode?

Bye.

 

NAMES AWESOMENESS: NAMES NICHOLAS CAGE HAS USED IN MOVIES!

Posted in Uncategorized on March 2, 2012 by tsanda

NAMES AWESOMENESS: NAMES NICHOLAS CAGE HAS USED IN MOVIES!.

AUTOMOBILE AWESOMENESS: THE MERCURY SABLE!

Posted in Uncategorized on February 14, 2012 by tsanda

There are cars that supposedly define a generation.  The 1991 Ferrari Testarossa. The 1967 Stingray Corvette. The 57′ Chevy.  Bullshit.  All of them without character; testicle-less bullshit.  The car. The pinnacle of automotive technology. The. 2002. Mercury. Sable. Words. With. Immediate. Periods. For. Effect. Wor.ds. Wi.th. Per.iod.s i.n. t…h….e…m.

This car can drive through walls and cure cancer. It can fly and submarine. It can do barrel rolls and outrun bullets. It can fight a sasquatch or bigfoot depending on your geographic local.  It has been to the moon and sun.  It saw the first dinosaur and then killed them all.  Not the asteroids? Nope.  Mercury Sable. It goes 0-60 in 0.00 seconds.  It ended the Cold War. It starred in The Tree of Life ( it really could have, I have no idea what the fuck happened in that movie).  It robs the poor and gives to the rich. It then robs the rich and gives it back to the poor.

If supermodels were cars. They would be the Mercury Sable.

I'd Fuck Me. That's what the Mercury Sable says when it tucks its d and b's and dances to Goodbye Horses.

Damn girl. Look at that thing. It is magnificent.  I’m sorry, I need to cut this short.  I have to spend 47 seconds in the restroom.

I masterbated to the Mercury Sable.

Ohh you got it? I beat you over the head with this stuff? Shit. I thought I was being subtle. Ohh well then, I don’t have to be ashamed.  I’m gonna round 2 this bad boy.

Awesome Song of the Day

The War on Drugs

Arms Like Boulders

 

 

FOOD AWESOMENESS: SALTINES!

Posted in Uncategorized on February 7, 2012 by tsanda

Saltines.  The most indulgent way to eat Salt that doesn’t make anybody feel bad for eating handfuls of Salt.  Salt is my favorite spice. Aside from Scary. Scary spice? Wow, scary spice, bringing about the big terrible pun guns with a bang right from the gate from my layoff (I have read that sentence about 1 1/2 times and boy does it not make much sense).  I have moved recently and haven’t felt much like terrible pun making the passed few months.  I was taking my dog friend for a walk tonight and decided to have some homemade beef and broccoli for dinner.  After that I decided what the fuck.  Lets write something.  My dog sure wasn’t.  Good story about my dinner too, huh? I found most of my fan emails during my lay off were asking what I was going to eat for dinner and wondering why my link went straight to dick and balls websites.  Some dick and balls website briefly bought my domain.  No worries, I got it back.  Dane’sdickandballs.com however has some revealing shots of me that I had to part with to get the domain back.  Jokes on them, you can find my dick and balls on hundreds of websites already.  Also posted at numerous bus stops, truck stops, Billy Joel tour buses, etc.  That is a pretty damn good ramble.  I thought about just ending this post now but that would be way to much of a tease. Like Dane’sdickandballs.com.  I just like writing that domain name.  I might just buy that domain and transfer my blog over there.  My traffic profile would be so much different.  So many old grannies looking to get down.

Salt = my favorite spice.  Why? Because it is very terrible for you.  Let we find an excuse to sprinkle it on everything we eat.  We do this with the word “pinch”.  Add a pinch of Salt it will be okay. I mean fuck people put salt on vegetables. (that last sentence without any punctuation could mean a lot of different things, I will let you decide what it means, a fun little make your own blog adventure.)  Weird looks people give you when you dip your honey soaked hand in a jar of salt? Lots.  Looks I get when I put 5 cups of salt on 12 crackers? Perfect accompanyment, accomponymant? uhccompanyment? CHRIST!

Saltines.  Without salt, those crackers would be the equivalent of watching Deep Impact instead of Armageddon.  It is also impossible to eat just 2 sleeves of saltines.  Have you had less than 35 saltines in one sitting? Of course not. That is probably not even salt. Just crystal crank.

This Britianish website,http://www.americansweets.co.uk/american-nabisco-saltines-crackers-catering-size-500-count-box-519-p.asp, sells boxes of saltines! Boxes! So popular they are sold out for 2-4 weeks! Weird that they just can’t go to the schmiddly (or whatever the fuck slang brits have for 7-11’s and get some saltines.  No wonder they lost the revolution. USA USA USA USA!

Chilli, Cheese, Meet Saltines. Meet my Colon, now my toilet. That is the cosmic dance these friends do every friday in my Food System

All of this Saltine talk has made me sad.  I don’t have any.  It is cold in these parts and I don’t want to walk to the schmiddly.  Ohh well. Time to kill myself.

AWESOME SONG OF THE DAY

BIRDMAN Ft. NICKI MINAJ & WEEZY

They are very polite. They won’t shoot a school or a playground.  Song is hot.