2012: Not Just For John Cusack Anymore!

So the world ends in a couple of days. We have that going for us.  So all that credit card debt and pregnant girls are no big deal. End of the world bucket list is a must.  Mine: 1. Clean the place. Can’t have the Apocalypse Cyclops, or Cyclocalypse, or Gerry, as his cyclops friends call him, see and smash my world and have it look a mess.  That silly guy hates dirt.  He is like a much meaner murdery Mr. Clean.

Hi, I’m Gerry. Time for your personal sensual apocalypse. Apocalypse by seduction is my game. (you have to say that outloud in a throaty lispy voice for full effect)

That is a really creepy picture. Why does it have normal hands and monster feet.  Ohh it’s a monster? It is actually weirder that it has normal hands in the first place.  No, I have no idea what a personal sensual apocalypse is…. But it sounds painful.  Emotionally and for your butt.  You know what would be a dangerous food for a cyclops to eat? Bugles. You can’t eat bugles (cause they are disgusting) without putting them on your fingers like little finger hats.  But if a cyclops with their terrible depth perception tried to eat a bugle off their finger they would stab themselves right in the cyclops.  Whoa, I know how to win the end of days…

We need bugles!

End of days bucket list 2: Watch End of Days.  Seeing Arnie beat up the Devil never fails to make me cry.  Poetic Justice.

End of days bucket list 3: Make sure John Cusack is standing by with a limo and an endless supply of airplanes to take off just in front of explosions.  It is nice actually because after The Raven John Cusack was actually pretty affordable and is on call for me.

I promise! People want a crime fighting Edgar Allen Poe movie!

That’s my list. It is a good one.  Time to pop that ole VHS in the player and knock of #2.

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Awesome song for the end of the World

Blackbird Blackbird

It’s a War

 

 

 

TV SHOW AWESOMENESS: AWAKE!

Again something I’ve never seen before.  I enjoy talking about stuff I know nothing about other than my immediate preconceptions. I find things are usually neater in my brain than in real life. Like how Wrath of the Titans has fucking nothing to do with Remember the Titans.  I was expecting a violently inspirational equal rights story.  Instead all we  get is Sam Waterston flying a horse.  What? Worthington? Damnit.  I thought he was stuck on a ledge.

Awake, according to a TV guide sentence I skimmed, is about a guy who gets in a car crash and either his son dies or his wife dies depending on whether or not he is dreaming and which dream/reality he is in.  That is a great idea.  However, that guy has the most depressing and boring dreams ever.  I’d have to decide between a world where I ride falcor to fight predators with John Spartan and Simon Phoenix.

John Spartan knitting me a red sleeveless kimono.

Addition Sign

Simon Phoenix is such a good name Nick Cage is fucking furious he was not in this movie.

Plus

Little Known Fact: Falcor was fired from the Rock-afire Explosion for railing to much coke.

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Murdered Predator. I don't take spines and skulls though. I collect stamps.

It’s better than my alternate dreamality.

Shivers.

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Damnit, I thought you were sleeping

Now my shrink has to figure out what is wrong with me.  Good Luck Billy Crystal.

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AWESOME SONG OF THE DAY

Rock-afire explosion Covering Usher and Young Jeezy

Love in this Club

 

 

UNCONVENTIONAL HERO AWESOMENESS: THE FERAL KID FROM THE ROAD WARRIOR!

When you have this trying to steal your gas.

Lord Humungous. 3x winner of Mr. Post Apocalyptic Australia. Give me your oil or I will wear less!

You need an unconventional hero.

Me: “hey Kid, Lord Humungous and his gang are going to breakdown our walls and take our gas.  After they beat us in body building and mohawk championships they are going to violate our women and kill our men.”

Rah! Grrrrrrr! Arf Arf Arf

Me:…… “What the fuck did you say.”

Me: “Where the hell did he go?”

Master Blaster: “He went into one of his tunnels, probably trying to get to barter town.”

Gyrocopter Guy: “Shut up Master Blaster, you aren’t even in this movie.”

Me: “Thanks Gryo Guy. Now you shut up too”

Feral Kid:

"raar, rar, ahh ahhh farp zzzrp"

Me: Damn kid, you laugh really weird.  Did I catch a Zzzerp in there?

Kid: (does a backflip)

Me: …….

Lord Humungous: ” I am here for all of your leather and metal clasps”

Guy from Commando:

Wait I am in Commando? Awesome! The breeze up here on this oil rig sure cools my ass less chaps!

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I'm gonna shoot you between the balls, but after I finish shitting my ass less chaps. I don't wear those in this movie? Weak.

“Lord Humungous, me and my kid or gay lover, depends on what Wikipedia writer is on that day, are going to steal their gas, how about that idea?”

Lord Humungous "Ohh Really? You're in charge? Well now your just tied up". Vernon Wells: "You could at least say something cool like, let off steam or something..."

Me: “Shit we are surrounded”

Gyro Guy: “We need somebody who can slip outside undetected and then throw a boomerang multiple times before hitting something and be really lucky that nobody tries to catch, kill, shoot, trap, murder him…”

Me: “Gryo Guy, shut the fuck up, your teeth are gross… I am trying to think, I can’t think with those grossies in my grille… We need somebody who can slip outside undetected and then throw a boomerang multiple times before hitting something and be really lucky that nobody tries to catch, kill, shoot, trap, murder him…”

Me: “But who is our man”

Feral Boy: “grawlop”

Me: “Can you throw in a backflip for good measure?”

THIS IS MY BACKFLIP FACE!

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Me: Damn and some fingertips!?!

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AWESOME SONG OF THE DAY

THEY MIGHT BE GIANTS

FINGERTIPS (see what I did there?)

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