Archive for the Stupid Category

SECOND HAND STORY ABOUT A FACEBOOK CONVERSATION I HAD WITH SOMEBODY YOU DON’T KNOW!

Posted in Awesome, awesome song of the day, awesomness, blog, comedy, Humor, Predator, Stuff, Stupid with tags , , , , , , on April 4, 2012 by tsanda

Nothing gets readers more amped than some fudging stories about facebook.  I mean if there was a Pulitzer Prize for writing I would totally win it.  Is Pulitzer the one with the old guy who comes to your house with a giant check and cameras? That’s publishers clearing house? Ohh that’s what I want to win for writing.

Not sure that’s how it works.

Shit is that why I have never won?

No, it’s your writing.

Ohhh, jeez mom. Going for the juggler.

Jeeez son….

Any way.  A facebook friend of mine posted a question that was posed to them.  If you could choose an animal that busts through your bathroom window at 3 am which would you choose?  My math questions school sucked, this facility sounds incredible.  This is real world stuff I would love to know.  I started to realize how bent over naked I am for a 3 am marmot attack.

My answer was the best animal of all, Predator.  If I gotta go.  It better involve a giant laser beam to the chestle.

Which did raise an interesting question.  Sexual predator or Just Predator.  Well not “just” Predator.  Let’s not be fucking disrespectful.  I am pretty sure that anything that breaks into your bathroom window at 3 am has no wholesome intentions.

I have been laughing to myself for about 2 hours now with the mental picture of Predator breaking through my bathroom window for some midnight raping.

I guess I won’t be laughing at about 3 am.  But I think it’s one of those things that with time will turn into a funny story.  Hey remember how that guy died from nightly Predator rapes.  Ahhh haha yea. What was his name? I don’t know, let’s get a taco.

Predator

SexyThighs69: Hey kids your parents home? Wanna play with my laser...

Undercover cop: Yes Mr. Thighs.  I want to turn invisible with you.  Be there at 8.  My parents will be at dinner theatre.

Chris Hansen

Ohh. Hello Mr. Predator. What are you doing here? Why did you bring a shoulder cannon and some bud light lime?

Predator: It’s not what it looks like.  He is my little brother…. ahh fuck it.

Predator

Don't get targeted by a sexual Predator. Cause your dead.

Hear that sound.  That’s the sound of my Pulitzer being minted. That’s just two cats fighting?  I should really learn sounds better.

AWESOME SONG OF THE DAY

CRIME MOB

ROCK YO HIPS

 

MY PALM READING EXPERIENCE: I AM GOING TO DIE!

Posted in Awesome, awesome song of the day, awesomness, Bugs, Humor, Monsters, Stuff, Stupid with tags , , , , , , , , , on March 19, 2012 by tsanda

Whoa, talk about downer.  I thought it was going to be a little more elaborate.  She laid her one eye on me.  No, she wasn’t missing an eye like a psychic should.  Eye patch and all.  She was a cyclops.

Cyclops

I will eat you!... that's not much of a future reading....

Why are cyclopes always so ugly?

Scott Summers, Cyclops, X-men

Ahhh Much Better.

I walk into this palm reading place.  The psychic asks me to remove my hulk hands before we start.  Something about not being able to read through them.  Whatever lady, its hulk hands or nothing.  Then I smash them together and inform her as politely as the giant foam hands can.  “Hulk Smash”.  She finally convinces me to remove the hulk hands.  She tells me to wash the ketchup and mustards from my finger tips.  It is grossing her out.  Can’t blame a guy for loving 2 for 2 hotdogs at 7-11.

She then just says.  You’re going to die.  I ask her how she knows that.  She shows me my palms and my palm lines spell out in plain english. “Your going to die”  I knew it was my future because they misspelled you’re.  Whoa.  I guess I just figured it was a coincidence all these years.  I wink at her and told her that hairy palm shit is a fucking myth.  Then try to give her a high five and she refuses.  Bitch.

I ask her how it happens.  She said that the future is hazy about the actual death mode.  But it’s either.  1. Sleeping.  Hell no. Boring. 2. Skiing off a cliff.  Pretty fucking cool, as long as at the bottom of the cliff I crash through a ski lodge and land in the cozy fire.  Right after some guy says. “This needs another log.” The only problem I don’t ski. 3. Helicopter crash into a shark infested volcano! I’ll take it.

Can somebody please take my body and explode it if I do die in my sleep.  I gotta go out like I live.  Exploding.

What.

End!

AWESOME SONG OF THE DAY

VAN SHE

SEX CITY

Yes this is also Vanished by Crystal Castles.  But Crystal Castles, who got beat jacked by Timbaland also beat jacked these guys.  Sooo I don’t really feel bad for CC.

 

GUNS AWESOMENESS: HIDDEN ARM GUNS!

Posted in Actors, Awesome, awesome song of the day, awesomness, blog, Guns, Humor, Music, Stuff, Stupid, Weapons with tags , , , , , , , on March 12, 2012 by tsanda

Full disclosure.  That was my penis I just showed you. I should have probably said full disclosure and then showed you my party tyme trio, thus giving you some chance of looking away.  Rather I just pulled down my pants while your back was turned and then when you turned back around I was pointing straight at it… and!……. it was point straight at you.  Damn kid. That one was good. I mean party tyme trio and an erection joke in one paragraph Hemingway ain’t got shit.

Fact of sciences#44: You cannot look away from something that somebody is pointing at.  Don’t ask me, I don’t make the rules. Ask Johnny Mnemonic.

Keanu Reeves from Johnny Mnemonic

My Face Itches.

Hey, I just said you could ask him.  I can’t guarantee the answer you get.

So, when I was saying full disclosure and got caught up in kinda being a bit perveee, I was going to talk about how much I love guns.  One of my favorite guns?  The hidden arm gun. You know what I am talking about.  That little sexy bitch that slides into place on the metal track on your forearm and then when the moment is right, you get to shoot somebody in the face.

I suck at this gun though.  I keep forgetting to take it off and then when I am orchestrating an orchestra and my arm gun engages all sorts of people start screaming and running.  Some guy has a Nam flashback.  I shot a cat.  I mean it probably wouldn’t be so bad if I just put it back into its holster but I have to pop a couple off when it happens.  It’s another rule of sciences. When hidden arm guns slide out shots are gonna get taken then fired.

Desperado, Antonio Banderas, Arm Sleeve Guns

It's amazing that nobody in that bar noticed his popeye arms and wondered if he was about to go all bananas on that place.

I should have watched Desperado prior to going on my murderous rampage.  Instead, I just listened to Desperado by The Eagles and apparently didn’t gleam the same information.  I don’t think gleam is a word.  Well, it is now. Fuck you Miriam Webster.

Because when I first discovered these weapons I put the gun on my calf instead of my forearms.  So here I was in a big old pickadilly.  Guns everywhere.  I had a smug ass look on my face.  Somebody said.  “Hey, Poncho. You die next.”  Which is how I always wanted to go out, so I was kinda torn.  But not today.  I did an Elvis leg shake to engage my weapon and my leg gun just fell out of my pants onto the floor and I got shot to death.  Apparently the whole purpose is to catch it in your hand. Huh. Silly me.

 

Perfect Creshendo into a 9 minute long Music Video about Jake Gyllenhaal getting shaves and killing people with fencing gear.

The real song doesn’t start till about 2:30 but the incredible starts immediately.

The Shoes

TIME TO DANCE