Archive for the Stupid Category

SCIENCE AWESOMENESS: THE TREE LOBSTER!

Posted in Awesome, awesome song of the day, awesomness, Bugs, comedy, Humor, News, Science, Stuff, Stupid with tags , , , , , , , , , , on December 3, 2012 by tsanda

I can’t really say I’ve ever cared much for lobsters. I don’t get the fuss over their taste and it just seems weird that we boil them alive for better taste.  I don’t think any of the 11,746 chickens I’ve consumed in my life were ever boiled alive.  It supposedly locks in their soul which makes a great internal gravy. I am getting screwed!

So how do you get my attention? Ohh, the Tree Lobster.  You read that right.  Unless you are illiterate; and then you read that as lkajdkljiljrkldsjlfiaejlasdkfn. What prey-tell is a Tree Lobster? It is only a gigantic dude of a bug that was sick of turning extinct by humans so it hid on a tiny rock cliff island.  But that stupid son of a bitch didn’t realize we humans will search for a lifetime and not stop at anything to extinct everything.  USA! USA! USA!

Tree Lobster

Action shot of a scientist killing Tree Lobsters the only way science knows of. Fist punching the Thorax.

Science tells us that Tree Lobsters need to be capitalized because they are proper nouns. The More You Know, dum deeedle dum dooo (or however you write that jingle in words).  To bad NBC wasn’t trying to teach people the proper image for a floating rainbow star; and they say rap music corrupts minds.

The best part of the Tree Lobster? Where they live.  Balls Pyramid Island.

Balls.  That is all.

Balls. That is all.

I don’t think i’ve been more giddy about information in my life.  Giant bugs that live on Balls Island and it is the coolest looking island of all time. To bad we are going to extinct those bugs and put a Wal-Mart out there.  But ocean pirates need great deals on Bissels too.  Bissels just work great. The suction is wonderful and they come in just jazzy colors.

I would scream like a boiled alive lobster if I saw one of those things. Giant bugs should stay where they belong.  Balls island.

Woot Woot!

Awesome Song of the Day

Big Boi Ft. Kid Cudi

She Hates Me

“If you can hate on anybody, girl, I am glad it was me.”

Big Boi has been doing this for 20 years and it is pitiful how underrated he is.  Outkast for life.

 

 

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FOOD AWESOMENESS: A SMORGASBORD!

Posted in Awesome, awesome song of the day, awesomness, Bill Nye, blog, comedy, Dork, Explosions, Food, Humor, Science, Stuff, Stupid with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , on April 16, 2012 by tsanda

First and foremost. Go see Cabin in the Woods.  It is amazing.  I won’t tell you anything else.  You just have to go see it.  Then see it immediately again.

Know what I looked like after seeing it?

Scanners, Head Explosion

I am nice dresser when I go to the cinema.

I like food.  I post about it often.  Food makes our bodies work. It make us poop and fart and those things are half my material. It tastes great. It is awesome to have somebody drive my food to my house so I don’t have to stop watching the Real Housewives or Colombo.  It fuels my muscles so I can tear apart phone books at will or do a circuit of shirtless jumping jacks for the babes at the park.

Sigh.

It is usually really restrictive though. Like I order a pizza and they never just stop at chipotle and dairy queen for me on the way.  A man doesn’t have just one craving.  Men are hungry and indecisive. Who can save the day? Ikea.  I mean swedish people.

A smorgasbord is literally a giant table full of any food you want or can fit on the table.  It is all of my human desires laying on a table. You can’t be wrong on a smorgasbord.  Don’t have turkey on Thanksgiving?

Scanners, Head Explosion

NO TURKEY!!??!?!?! AHHHHHH BLAMO! Damn It Uncle Phil. You got brains on the nice table cloth again...

Don’t have jelly beans on your smorgasbord? No big deal.  We got Sour Patch Kids, 3 Dominos Pizzas and a half sour gallon of milk mixed with snapple and robatussin.

Even the word itself is fucking incredible.

“The Swedish word smörgåsbord consists of the words smörgås (open-faced sandwich) and bord (table). Smörgås in turn consists of the wordssmör (butter) and gås (goose). Gås literally means goose, but later referred to the small pieces of butter that formed and floated to the surface of cream while it was churned”

So it’s genieology is from an open faced sandwich on a table.  Great start.  What does open faced sandwich come from? Ohhh just a little butter goose.   Goose is gas? You already know how I feel about gas.

You could have a grilled cheese, Karl Malone, beggin strips, beanie weenies, a rocket launcher, lox, cake frosting, Dorito Tacos, a vhs copy of Tombstone recorded from TNT with the commercials, Wendy’s spicy chicken, a live chicken and a dead chicken to keep that fucking live chicken in line, dunkaroos, Ed 209, saltines, Mr. Pibb, 72 ounce steak, astronaut food, pop tarts and toaster struedal together as friends and everybody at the table would hold hands and thank some viking god, smergan flergan mcdergan (he’s partially scottish) and nobody would question anything.

Could you imagine the look on Bill Nye’s face when walking into our Valentines day Smorgasbord?

Well I’d have to take the velvet blindfold and handcuffs off first.  But then…

Bill Nye's head exploding. Scanners, Head Explosion

AHHHH SCIENCE! KAPOW!

I assume Bill Nye will yell Ahhh Science prior to dying. Why? Well it’s our safety word.

On that note.

AWESOME SONG OF THE DAY

Julian Plenti

Only If You Run

Whey are you reading this? Go see Cabin in the Woods!

 

MAPS AWESOMENESS: SEA MONSTER MAPS!

Posted in Awesome, awesome song of the day, awesomness, blog, comedy, Humor, Monsters, Stuff, Stupid, What the Fuck? with tags , , , , , , , , , , on April 9, 2012 by tsanda

Why doesn’t my Garmin have a monsters setting to show you where not to go?  Last week I drove my honey right into a giant spider pit and then on the way home we were beaten up by chupacabras. It was a real big date buzz kill when your lady gets eaten by something… and it wasn’t me…. Yup. Gold.

Garmin “Turn left ahead to avoid swamp things…”

Now that is helpful information.  Although I never update the thing so I would be jazzed for my Jamba Juice but I would end up:

Hieronymus Bosch the Last Judgement

Bad move monster. I may be brunch. But I got one last shit off in your mouth.

That is an actual poster you can buy from posters.com.  I am no Fung Shui master but this must be part of the calming aura for babies rooms.

Map making apparently used to be a fucking amazing profession.  All you do was randomly place monsters everywhere.  If you were not a map maker or ocean adventurer you would literally think the ocean was just a big pile of monsters.  It would be just like under my bed.

Munster, Sea Monsters Map

That's like a 25:1 Seamonsters to ship ratio! I like those odds for entertainment.

Monster N: Middle right is my favorite.  That monster just plays lobsters.  The other giant lobster gets mad so he tries to play a human.  Silly lobster you can’t play a human, we are too fleshy you just cut us in half.

Red Duck! Lookout!

How could you ever entice anybody in Scandinavia to become a seafarer?

Carta Marina, Sea Monsters Map

Sorry topographical, you are no longer my favorite type of map.

No wonder the world always thinks vikings were such bad asses.  They had to kill like 200 sea monsters just to come rape and pillage your ancestors village.  Your? Not mine? Well I am from swedish decent which I am pretty sure means I was just from a long line of love slaves to vikings.

NO MORE WORDS TODAY!

Awesome Song of the Day

Snowden

Anti Anti

Remember how I used to number the awesome song of the day?  What happened you say? Addition happened.

SECOND HAND STORY ABOUT A FACEBOOK CONVERSATION I HAD WITH SOMEBODY YOU DON’T KNOW!

Posted in Awesome, awesome song of the day, awesomness, blog, comedy, Humor, Predator, Stuff, Stupid with tags , , , , , , on April 4, 2012 by tsanda

Nothing gets readers more amped than some fudging stories about facebook.  I mean if there was a Pulitzer Prize for writing I would totally win it.  Is Pulitzer the one with the old guy who comes to your house with a giant check and cameras? That’s publishers clearing house? Ohh that’s what I want to win for writing.

Not sure that’s how it works.

Shit is that why I have never won?

No, it’s your writing.

Ohhh, jeez mom. Going for the juggler.

Jeeez son….

Any way.  A facebook friend of mine posted a question that was posed to them.  If you could choose an animal that busts through your bathroom window at 3 am which would you choose?  My math questions school sucked, this facility sounds incredible.  This is real world stuff I would love to know.  I started to realize how bent over naked I am for a 3 am marmot attack.

My answer was the best animal of all, Predator.  If I gotta go.  It better involve a giant laser beam to the chestle.

Which did raise an interesting question.  Sexual predator or Just Predator.  Well not “just” Predator.  Let’s not be fucking disrespectful.  I am pretty sure that anything that breaks into your bathroom window at 3 am has no wholesome intentions.

I have been laughing to myself for about 2 hours now with the mental picture of Predator breaking through my bathroom window for some midnight raping.

I guess I won’t be laughing at about 3 am.  But I think it’s one of those things that with time will turn into a funny story.  Hey remember how that guy died from nightly Predator rapes.  Ahhh haha yea. What was his name? I don’t know, let’s get a taco.

Predator

SexyThighs69: Hey kids your parents home? Wanna play with my laser...

Undercover cop: Yes Mr. Thighs.  I want to turn invisible with you.  Be there at 8.  My parents will be at dinner theatre.

Chris Hansen

Ohh. Hello Mr. Predator. What are you doing here? Why did you bring a shoulder cannon and some bud light lime?

Predator: It’s not what it looks like.  He is my little brother…. ahh fuck it.

Predator

Don't get targeted by a sexual Predator. Cause your dead.

Hear that sound.  That’s the sound of my Pulitzer being minted. That’s just two cats fighting?  I should really learn sounds better.

AWESOME SONG OF THE DAY

CRIME MOB

ROCK YO HIPS

 

MY PALM READING EXPERIENCE: I AM GOING TO DIE!

Posted in Awesome, awesome song of the day, awesomness, Bugs, Humor, Monsters, Stuff, Stupid with tags , , , , , , , , , on March 19, 2012 by tsanda

Whoa, talk about downer.  I thought it was going to be a little more elaborate.  She laid her one eye on me.  No, she wasn’t missing an eye like a psychic should.  Eye patch and all.  She was a cyclops.

Cyclops

I will eat you!... that's not much of a future reading....

Why are cyclopes always so ugly?

Scott Summers, Cyclops, X-men

Ahhh Much Better.

I walk into this palm reading place.  The psychic asks me to remove my hulk hands before we start.  Something about not being able to read through them.  Whatever lady, its hulk hands or nothing.  Then I smash them together and inform her as politely as the giant foam hands can.  “Hulk Smash”.  She finally convinces me to remove the hulk hands.  She tells me to wash the ketchup and mustards from my finger tips.  It is grossing her out.  Can’t blame a guy for loving 2 for 2 hotdogs at 7-11.

She then just says.  You’re going to die.  I ask her how she knows that.  She shows me my palms and my palm lines spell out in plain english. “Your going to die”  I knew it was my future because they misspelled you’re.  Whoa.  I guess I just figured it was a coincidence all these years.  I wink at her and told her that hairy palm shit is a fucking myth.  Then try to give her a high five and she refuses.  Bitch.

I ask her how it happens.  She said that the future is hazy about the actual death mode.  But it’s either.  1. Sleeping.  Hell no. Boring. 2. Skiing off a cliff.  Pretty fucking cool, as long as at the bottom of the cliff I crash through a ski lodge and land in the cozy fire.  Right after some guy says. “This needs another log.” The only problem I don’t ski. 3. Helicopter crash into a shark infested volcano! I’ll take it.

Can somebody please take my body and explode it if I do die in my sleep.  I gotta go out like I live.  Exploding.

What.

End!

AWESOME SONG OF THE DAY

VAN SHE

SEX CITY

Yes this is also Vanished by Crystal Castles.  But Crystal Castles, who got beat jacked by Timbaland also beat jacked these guys.  Sooo I don’t really feel bad for CC.

 

GUNS AWESOMENESS: HIDDEN ARM GUNS!

Posted in Actors, Awesome, awesome song of the day, awesomness, blog, Guns, Humor, Music, Stuff, Stupid, Weapons with tags , , , , , , , on March 12, 2012 by tsanda

Full disclosure.  That was my penis I just showed you. I should have probably said full disclosure and then showed you my party tyme trio, thus giving you some chance of looking away.  Rather I just pulled down my pants while your back was turned and then when you turned back around I was pointing straight at it… and!……. it was point straight at you.  Damn kid. That one was good. I mean party tyme trio and an erection joke in one paragraph Hemingway ain’t got shit.

Fact of sciences#44: You cannot look away from something that somebody is pointing at.  Don’t ask me, I don’t make the rules. Ask Johnny Mnemonic.

Keanu Reeves from Johnny Mnemonic

My Face Itches.

Hey, I just said you could ask him.  I can’t guarantee the answer you get.

So, when I was saying full disclosure and got caught up in kinda being a bit perveee, I was going to talk about how much I love guns.  One of my favorite guns?  The hidden arm gun. You know what I am talking about.  That little sexy bitch that slides into place on the metal track on your forearm and then when the moment is right, you get to shoot somebody in the face.

I suck at this gun though.  I keep forgetting to take it off and then when I am orchestrating an orchestra and my arm gun engages all sorts of people start screaming and running.  Some guy has a Nam flashback.  I shot a cat.  I mean it probably wouldn’t be so bad if I just put it back into its holster but I have to pop a couple off when it happens.  It’s another rule of sciences. When hidden arm guns slide out shots are gonna get taken then fired.

Desperado, Antonio Banderas, Arm Sleeve Guns

It's amazing that nobody in that bar noticed his popeye arms and wondered if he was about to go all bananas on that place.

I should have watched Desperado prior to going on my murderous rampage.  Instead, I just listened to Desperado by The Eagles and apparently didn’t gleam the same information.  I don’t think gleam is a word.  Well, it is now. Fuck you Miriam Webster.

Because when I first discovered these weapons I put the gun on my calf instead of my forearms.  So here I was in a big old pickadilly.  Guns everywhere.  I had a smug ass look on my face.  Somebody said.  “Hey, Poncho. You die next.”  Which is how I always wanted to go out, so I was kinda torn.  But not today.  I did an Elvis leg shake to engage my weapon and my leg gun just fell out of my pants onto the floor and I got shot to death.  Apparently the whole purpose is to catch it in your hand. Huh. Silly me.

 

Perfect Creshendo into a 9 minute long Music Video about Jake Gyllenhaal getting shaves and killing people with fencing gear.

The real song doesn’t start till about 2:30 but the incredible starts immediately.

The Shoes

TIME TO DANCE

UNCONVENTIONAL HERO AWESOMENESS: THE FERAL KID FROM THE ROAD WARRIOR!

Posted in Awesome, awesome song of the day, awesomness, blog, comedy, Dork, Humor, Movies, Stuff, Stupid, The 80's, Uncategorized, What the Fuck? with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on March 11, 2012 by tsanda

When you have this trying to steal your gas.

LORD HUMUNGOUS, The Road Warrior, Mad Max II

Lord Humungous. 3x winner of Mr. Post Apocalyptic Australia. Give me your oil or I will wear less!

You need an unconventional hero.

Me: “hey Kid, Lord Humungous and his gang are going to breakdown our walls and take our gas.  After they beat us in body building and mohawk championships they are going to violate our women and kill our men.”

Feral Boy from the Road Warrior.

Rah! Grrrrrrr! Arf Arf Arf

Me:…… “What the fuck did you say.”

Me: “Where the hell did he go?”

Master Blaster: “He went into one of his tunnels, probably trying to get to barter town.”

Gyrocopter Guy: “Shut up Master Blaster, you aren’t even in this movie.”

Me: “Thanks Gryo Guy. Now you shut up too”

Feral Kid:

Feral Kid from the Road Warrior Laughing

"raar, rar, ahh ahhh farp zzzrp"

Me: Damn kid, you laugh really weird.  Did I catch a Zzzerp in there?

Kid: (does a backflip)

Me: …….

Lord Humungous: ” I am here for all of your leather and metal clasps”

Guy from Commando:

Vernon Wells in the Road Warrior

Wait I am in Commando? Awesome! The breeze up here on this oil rig sure cools my ass less chaps!

=

Vernon Wells in Commando

I'm gonna shoot you between the balls, but after I finish shitting my ass less chaps. I don't wear those in this movie? Weak.

“Lord Humungous, me and my kid or gay lover, depends on what Wikipedia writer is on that day, are going to steal their gas, how about that idea?”

Lord Humungous and Vernon Wells the Road Warrior

Lord Humungous "Ohh Really? You're in charge? Well now your just tied up". Vernon Wells: "You could at least say something cool like, let off steam or something..."

Me: “Shit we are surrounded”

Gyro Guy: “We need somebody who can slip outside undetected and then throw a boomerang multiple times before hitting something and be really lucky that nobody tries to catch, kill, shoot, trap, murder him…”

Me: “Gryo Guy, shut the fuck up, your teeth are gross… I am trying to think, I can’t think with those grossies in my grille… We need somebody who can slip outside undetected and then throw a boomerang multiple times before hitting something and be really lucky that nobody tries to catch, kill, shoot, trap, murder him…”

Me: “But who is our man”

Feral Boy: “grawlop”

Me: “Can you throw in a backflip for good measure?”

Feral Boy from the Road Warrior

THIS IS MY BACKFLIP FACE!

Me: Damn and some fingertips!?!

AWESOME SONG OF THE DAY

THEY MIGHT BE GIANTS

FINGERTIPS (see what I did there?)