SCIENCE AWESOMENESS: THE TREE LOBSTER!

I can’t really say I’ve ever cared much for lobsters. I don’t get the fuss over their taste and it just seems weird that we boil them alive for better taste.  I don’t think any of the 11,746 chickens I’ve consumed in my life were ever boiled alive.  It supposedly locks in their soul which makes a great internal gravy. I am getting screwed!

So how do you get my attention? Ohh, the Tree Lobster.  You read that right.  Unless you are illiterate; and then you read that as lkajdkljiljrkldsjlfiaejlasdkfn. What prey-tell is a Tree Lobster? It is only a gigantic dude of a bug that was sick of turning extinct by humans so it hid on a tiny rock cliff island.  But that stupid son of a bitch didn’t realize we humans will search for a lifetime and not stop at anything to extinct everything.  USA! USA! USA!

Action shot of a scientist killing Tree Lobsters the only way science knows of. Fist punching the Thorax.

Science tells us that Tree Lobsters need to be capitalized because they are proper nouns. The More You Know, dum deeedle dum dooo (or however you write that jingle in words).  To bad NBC wasn’t trying to teach people the proper image for a floating rainbow star; and they say rap music corrupts minds.

The best part of the Tree Lobster? Where they live.  Balls Pyramid Island.

Balls. That is all.

I don’t think i’ve been more giddy about information in my life.  Giant bugs that live on Balls Island and it is the coolest looking island of all time. To bad we are going to extinct those bugs and put a Wal-Mart out there.  But ocean pirates need great deals on Bissels too.  Bissels just work great. The suction is wonderful and they come in just jazzy colors.

I would scream like a boiled alive lobster if I saw one of those things. Giant bugs should stay where they belong.  Balls island.

Woot Woot!

Awesome Song of the Day

Big Boi Ft. Kid Cudi

She Hates Me

“If you can hate on anybody, girl, I am glad it was me.”

Big Boi has been doing this for 20 years and it is pitiful how underrated he is.  Outkast for life.

 

 

FOOD AWESOMENESS: A SMORGASBORD!

First and foremost. Go see Cabin in the Woods.  It is amazing.  I won’t tell you anything else.  You just have to go see it.  Then see it immediately again.

Know what I looked like after seeing it?

I am nice dresser when I go to the cinema.

I like food.  I post about it often.  Food makes our bodies work. It make us poop and fart and those things are half my material. It tastes great. It is awesome to have somebody drive my food to my house so I don’t have to stop watching the Real Housewives or Colombo.  It fuels my muscles so I can tear apart phone books at will or do a circuit of shirtless jumping jacks for the babes at the park.

Sigh.

It is usually really restrictive though. Like I order a pizza and they never just stop at chipotle and dairy queen for me on the way.  A man doesn’t have just one craving.  Men are hungry and indecisive. Who can save the day? Ikea.  I mean swedish people.

A smorgasbord is literally a giant table full of any food you want or can fit on the table.  It is all of my human desires laying on a table. You can’t be wrong on a smorgasbord.  Don’t have turkey on Thanksgiving?

NO TURKEY!!??!?!?! AHHHHHH BLAMO! Damn It Uncle Phil. You got brains on the nice table cloth again...

Don’t have jelly beans on your smorgasbord? No big deal.  We got Sour Patch Kids, 3 Dominos Pizzas and a half sour gallon of milk mixed with snapple and robatussin.

Even the word itself is fucking incredible.

“The Swedish word smörgåsbord consists of the words smörgås (open-faced sandwich) and bord (table). Smörgås in turn consists of the wordssmör (butter) and gås (goose). Gås literally means goose, but later referred to the small pieces of butter that formed and floated to the surface of cream while it was churned”

So it’s genieology is from an open faced sandwich on a table.  Great start.  What does open faced sandwich come from? Ohhh just a little butter goose.   Goose is gas? You already know how I feel about gas.

You could have a grilled cheese, Karl Malone, beggin strips, beanie weenies, a rocket launcher, lox, cake frosting, Dorito Tacos, a vhs copy of Tombstone recorded from TNT with the commercials, Wendy’s spicy chicken, a live chicken and a dead chicken to keep that fucking live chicken in line, dunkaroos, Ed 209, saltines, Mr. Pibb, 72 ounce steak, astronaut food, pop tarts and toaster struedal together as friends and everybody at the table would hold hands and thank some viking god, smergan flergan mcdergan (he’s partially scottish) and nobody would question anything.

Could you imagine the look on Bill Nye’s face when walking into our Valentines day Smorgasbord?

Well I’d have to take the velvet blindfold and handcuffs off first.  But then…

AHHHH SCIENCE! KAPOW!

I assume Bill Nye will yell Ahhh Science prior to dying. Why? Well it’s our safety word.

On that note.

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AWESOME SONG OF THE DAY

Julian Plenti

Only If You Run

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Whey are you reading this? Go see Cabin in the Woods!

 

MAPS AWESOMENESS: SEA MONSTER MAPS!

Why doesn’t my Garmin have a monsters setting to show you where not to go?  Last week I drove my honey right into a giant spider pit and then on the way home we were beaten up by chupacabras. It was a real big date buzz kill when your lady gets eaten by something… and it wasn’t me…. Yup. Gold.

Garmin “Turn left ahead to avoid swamp things…”

Now that is helpful information.  Although I never update the thing so I would be jazzed for my Jamba Juice but I would end up:

Bad move monster. I may be brunch. But I got one last shit off in your mouth.

That is an actual poster you can buy from posters.com.  I am no Fung Shui master but this must be part of the calming aura for babies rooms.

Map making apparently used to be a fucking amazing profession.  All you do was randomly place monsters everywhere.  If you were not a map maker or ocean adventurer you would literally think the ocean was just a big pile of monsters.  It would be just like under my bed.

That's like a 25:1 Seamonsters to ship ratio! I like those odds for entertainment.

Monster N: Middle right is my favorite.  That monster just plays lobsters.  The other giant lobster gets mad so he tries to play a human.  Silly lobster you can’t play a human, we are too fleshy you just cut us in half.

Red Duck! Lookout!

How could you ever entice anybody in Scandinavia to become a seafarer?

Sorry topographical, you are no longer my favorite type of map.

No wonder the world always thinks vikings were such bad asses.  They had to kill like 200 sea monsters just to come rape and pillage your ancestors village.  Your? Not mine? Well I am from swedish decent which I am pretty sure means I was just from a long line of love slaves to vikings.

NO MORE WORDS TODAY!

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Awesome Song of the Day

Snowden

Anti Anti

Remember how I used to number the awesome song of the day?  What happened you say? Addition happened.