Archive for the Predator Category

NEW PROFESSION AWESOMENESS: PRIVATE EYE!

Posted in Awesome, awesome song of the day, awesomness, blog, comedy, Humor, Predator with tags , , , , , , , , , , on April 20, 2012 by tsanda

So it finally happened. I quit my job at the banana factory.  Too/two/to many gorillas swinging through windows and kicking down the doors to steal my lively hood.  I also decided, as you can see, I am giving up on trying to figure out when two use to, it’s just 2 damn confusing.  I’ve just started throwing toos out there willy nilly and seeing what happens.  Like that damn gorilla Gerald does with his handfuls of turds.  It’s not enough you ate my last bunch of naners!

My new profession you ask? Glad you asked or this would be a really short one sided post. Private eye. I was shooting for Private Dancer, but Tina Turner doesn’t return my candy grams.

Private Detective, or Private Dick as my business card reads ( I only made one) Is a great profession.  What did I do all day? Sit in my car and stare into people’s houses from across the street.

Private Eye

Official Private Eye Business, Back Off Buddy... why are you outside a school?... hmmm.... good question.

I get to wear sweet clothes all day like a trench coat and when I do people assume I have clothes on underneath it.  Which is a rad change of pace.  Do you get to listen to XM satellite radio all day and smoke a pipe?

My second family in Reno: You smoke!?!?!?!?!??!?!?

Me: It’s really only bubbles… see

Family: Good. Now close your legs that trench coat is very revealing.

I get to solve crimes all the time like who is the last boy scout.  I can carry a taser.  It goes well with the rape whistle I had to start carrying from the midnight predator rapings.

I make my own fucking hours and I am my own fucking boss.

Guy who hired me: Hey asshole! Why aren’t you working?

Me: How do you know I am not working.  Look I have a fedora, a pipe and a camera.  Total Dick Tracy stuff.

Guy: You have sat outside my house since I hired you.  You fell asleep for 4 hours and ate 4 subways sandwiches.

Me: Hey, Im not getting paid by the hour so stuff it.

Guy: Yes you are.  I am paying your asking rate of 1 subway sandwich an hour.  You’re fired!

Well, I guess I am not my own boss.  Shit.  Now where am I going to get some subway.  I guess I could get sponsored.

Awesome Song of the Day

Tina Turner

Private Dancer!

… and yes Tina.  I do want to see you do the shimmy again.

I am not sure if the same ad plays everytime.  The youtube is a wonderous invention but I don’t try to figure it out.  Like popcorn chicken. But the Droid Razor commercial that just played, blew my fucking mind. Some diner guy just said you can program your phone to do things that you normally do (question marks and exclamation points).  I can program my phone to watch Starship Troopers and eat a box of goldfish? Whoa. My phone can try to not cry after sexing a women? Whoa. My phone can get arrested for stalking Detlef Schempf? Whoa. Technology is amazing.

Detlef Schrempf

Detlef! Don't press charges! I just wanted a lock of your hair.... okay hearing that back kinda makes me understand... I get it.

Almost like a double decker post!

Yeah!

SECOND HAND STORY ABOUT A FACEBOOK CONVERSATION I HAD WITH SOMEBODY YOU DON’T KNOW!

Posted in Awesome, awesome song of the day, awesomness, blog, comedy, Humor, Predator, Stuff, Stupid with tags , , , , , , on April 4, 2012 by tsanda

Nothing gets readers more amped than some fudging stories about facebook.  I mean if there was a Pulitzer Prize for writing I would totally win it.  Is Pulitzer the one with the old guy who comes to your house with a giant check and cameras? That’s publishers clearing house? Ohh that’s what I want to win for writing.

Not sure that’s how it works.

Shit is that why I have never won?

No, it’s your writing.

Ohhh, jeez mom. Going for the juggler.

Jeeez son….

Any way.  A facebook friend of mine posted a question that was posed to them.  If you could choose an animal that busts through your bathroom window at 3 am which would you choose?  My math questions school sucked, this facility sounds incredible.  This is real world stuff I would love to know.  I started to realize how bent over naked I am for a 3 am marmot attack.

My answer was the best animal of all, Predator.  If I gotta go.  It better involve a giant laser beam to the chestle.

Which did raise an interesting question.  Sexual predator or Just Predator.  Well not “just” Predator.  Let’s not be fucking disrespectful.  I am pretty sure that anything that breaks into your bathroom window at 3 am has no wholesome intentions.

I have been laughing to myself for about 2 hours now with the mental picture of Predator breaking through my bathroom window for some midnight raping.

I guess I won’t be laughing at about 3 am.  But I think it’s one of those things that with time will turn into a funny story.  Hey remember how that guy died from nightly Predator rapes.  Ahhh haha yea. What was his name? I don’t know, let’s get a taco.

Predator

SexyThighs69: Hey kids your parents home? Wanna play with my laser...

Undercover cop: Yes Mr. Thighs.  I want to turn invisible with you.  Be there at 8.  My parents will be at dinner theatre.

Chris Hansen

Ohh. Hello Mr. Predator. What are you doing here? Why did you bring a shoulder cannon and some bud light lime?

Predator: It’s not what it looks like.  He is my little brother…. ahh fuck it.

Predator

Don't get targeted by a sexual Predator. Cause your dead.

Hear that sound.  That’s the sound of my Pulitzer being minted. That’s just two cats fighting?  I should really learn sounds better.

AWESOME SONG OF THE DAY

CRIME MOB

ROCK YO HIPS