SCIENCE AWESOMENESS: THE TREE LOBSTER!

I can’t really say I’ve ever cared much for lobsters. I don’t get the fuss over their taste and it just seems weird that we boil them alive for better taste.  I don’t think any of the 11,746 chickens I’ve consumed in my life were ever boiled alive.  It supposedly locks in their soul which makes a great internal gravy. I am getting screwed!

So how do you get my attention? Ohh, the Tree Lobster.  You read that right.  Unless you are illiterate; and then you read that as lkajdkljiljrkldsjlfiaejlasdkfn. What prey-tell is a Tree Lobster? It is only a gigantic dude of a bug that was sick of turning extinct by humans so it hid on a tiny rock cliff island.  But that stupid son of a bitch didn’t realize we humans will search for a lifetime and not stop at anything to extinct everything.  USA! USA! USA!

Action shot of a scientist killing Tree Lobsters the only way science knows of. Fist punching the Thorax.

Science tells us that Tree Lobsters need to be capitalized because they are proper nouns. The More You Know, dum deeedle dum dooo (or however you write that jingle in words).  To bad NBC wasn’t trying to teach people the proper image for a floating rainbow star; and they say rap music corrupts minds.

The best part of the Tree Lobster? Where they live.  Balls Pyramid Island.

Balls. That is all.

I don’t think i’ve been more giddy about information in my life.  Giant bugs that live on Balls Island and it is the coolest looking island of all time. To bad we are going to extinct those bugs and put a Wal-Mart out there.  But ocean pirates need great deals on Bissels too.  Bissels just work great. The suction is wonderful and they come in just jazzy colors.

I would scream like a boiled alive lobster if I saw one of those things. Giant bugs should stay where they belong.  Balls island.

Woot Woot!

Awesome Song of the Day

Big Boi Ft. Kid Cudi

She Hates Me

“If you can hate on anybody, girl, I am glad it was me.”

Big Boi has been doing this for 20 years and it is pitiful how underrated he is.  Outkast for life.

 

 

IRAN AWESOMENESS: THE OLYMPIC SYMBOL IS A RACIST!

It is about time Iran got up in arms about all the abuse the world heaps on them.  I mean can’t a tyrannical backwards nation get a little respect! They just want to hate Jews and Americans in peace… and by peace I mean with killings.  I always thought Iran was misunderstood… like the Last Samurai.  Tom Cruise wasn’t the last samurai, Ken Wantanabe was.  Iran isn’t crazy, they just hate and want to kill people who aren’t them.  Is that sooo nutz!? You should read my diary, kill the mail man this and murder the milk man that.  No big deal.

Now the Iran is trying to boycott the 2012 summer Olympics in England because the flag logo is …. a racist… seriously.  The flag logo, so I heard from Charlie Sheen, said that Iranians are bad drivers and bad tippers.  I’ve heard of flags being sexist, but never racist.  They are just old, thats how old flags talk. Old flags don’t mean to be racist they just read too many editions of Good Old Times Magazine.  Which I know about because I have previously received editions for Christmases from my grandfather… that and beenie weinies.  You know the Good Old Times… when people were white and clothes covered 95% of you body, even when swimming.  So lets lay off the flag a bit, it is a product of it’s surroundings.  Flag factories are hot beds of hate.  Susan B. Anthony was a bitch I heard ( I bet nobody has ever called Susan B. Anthony a bitch before, except for George Washington when she stood him up for a date, you didn’t know history time was happening simultaneously). Lets see what all the hub bub is about.

Holy shit that logo just called me a cracker!

Really? The only thing that logo is racist to is anybody whose race is graphic designers.  I’m pretty sure Microsoft Paint vomited that design after a night of heavy drinking.  What does Microsoft paint drink?  Nothing actually, I mean to say after huffing paint. Easy mistake.  Iranians say that it looks to much like ZION.  Zion? When did Jamaica get involved in this dispute? Damian Marley is gonna be pissed that Iran is dissing Zion.  I am no math major but is Zion spelled Zoir?  I don’t see it.  Maybe Iran is crazy.  Who even cares? Hollywood already told me via John Cusack that the world will have ended by this time anyways.  So I think it is much ado about nothing.  Lets all have a picnic.  Iran you’re not invited.  Zion you are. Or Zior which ever gets the evite.

Bye

Out

Salutations

Beep Boop Beep Boop (robot good bye)

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Awesome SONG! of the DAY! #153

(please) Don’t Blame Mexico

The Protocol

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MONSTER AWESOMENESS: BIGFOOT (aka Sasquatch!) DISCOVERED….AGAIN!

I have always wondered what I am going to do when I encounter Bigfoot in the hallways of my office or just outside of my cubicle.  It will be scary. I will be scared, my pants will be full and smell bad.  That is as far as I have figured out. Past the point of shitting myself I am pretty much at a loss of what I would do.

Luckily a South Carolina man has taught me exactly what to say.  Luckily it is short and has a lot of southern accent in it.

http://edition.cnn.com/2010/HEALTH/06/21/bigfoot.psychology.monsters

You only need the second paragraph.

“GIT!”

Ohhh man, it would be so priceless to have seen bigfoot’s reaction to that.

Dude – probably in coveralls with a piece of straw in is mouth.  I am thinking no shoes? Or shoes that are missing the toes? No, not sandals for everybody not from the south, something like this.

Next hipster trend... guaranteed.

This guy sees a bigfoot or maybe bigfeets, harassing his dogs.  I assume they were pulling their tales and petting them against the direction of their fur. Ohhh boy do dogs hate that shit!  You know what dogs hate more than that shit! BIGFOOT! If dogs could yell holy crap its bigfoot I am outta here… they would.  But they can’t so stop fucking day dreaming

He grabs his shotgun? Nope.  Big rock? Nope, Bazooka? Nah.  He classically yells “GIT!”

That’s what I yell at racoons who eat my garbage.  Or those pesky teenagers who are up to no good down the street.  Druggy mother fuckers.

You don’t yell Git at a classic mythical (or is it?) creature who is fucking with your dogs.  You record that shit and send it to America’s Funniest Home Videos! 10 G’s Son!

Bigfoot totally just flipped that guy off and ate his dogs. Then sat and chilled with Ronald McDonald.  Had a McRib, cause the dogs didn’t fill him up.

Hey, BIGFOOT! Leave Ronald Alone..... GIT!

So much happiness this southern belle has brought me today

Im out.

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Awesome Song of The Day #122

OLD CROW MEDICINE SHOW

WAGON WHEEL

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