Archive for the News Category

SCIENCE AWESOMENESS: THE TREE LOBSTER!

Posted in Awesome, awesome song of the day, awesomness, Bugs, comedy, Humor, News, Science, Stuff, Stupid with tags , , , , , , , , , , on December 3, 2012 by tsanda

I can’t really say I’ve ever cared much for lobsters. I don’t get the fuss over their taste and it just seems weird that we boil them alive for better taste.  I don’t think any of the 11,746 chickens I’ve consumed in my life were ever boiled alive.  It supposedly locks in their soul which makes a great internal gravy. I am getting screwed!

So how do you get my attention? Ohh, the Tree Lobster.  You read that right.  Unless you are illiterate; and then you read that as lkajdkljiljrkldsjlfiaejlasdkfn. What prey-tell is a Tree Lobster? It is only a gigantic dude of a bug that was sick of turning extinct by humans so it hid on a tiny rock cliff island.  But that stupid son of a bitch didn’t realize we humans will search for a lifetime and not stop at anything to extinct everything.  USA! USA! USA!

Tree Lobster

Action shot of a scientist killing Tree Lobsters the only way science knows of. Fist punching the Thorax.

Science tells us that Tree Lobsters need to be capitalized because they are proper nouns. The More You Know, dum deeedle dum dooo (or however you write that jingle in words).  To bad NBC wasn’t trying to teach people the proper image for a floating rainbow star; and they say rap music corrupts minds.

The best part of the Tree Lobster? Where they live.  Balls Pyramid Island.

Balls.  That is all.

Balls. That is all.

I don’t think i’ve been more giddy about information in my life.  Giant bugs that live on Balls Island and it is the coolest looking island of all time. To bad we are going to extinct those bugs and put a Wal-Mart out there.  But ocean pirates need great deals on Bissels too.  Bissels just work great. The suction is wonderful and they come in just jazzy colors.

I would scream like a boiled alive lobster if I saw one of those things. Giant bugs should stay where they belong.  Balls island.

Woot Woot!

Awesome Song of the Day

Big Boi Ft. Kid Cudi

She Hates Me

“If you can hate on anybody, girl, I am glad it was me.”

Big Boi has been doing this for 20 years and it is pitiful how underrated he is.  Outkast for life.

 

 

IRAN AWESOMENESS: THE OLYMPIC SYMBOL IS A RACIST!

Posted in Awesome, awesome song of the day, awesomness, blog, comedy, Dork, News, Stupid on March 1, 2011 by tsanda

It is about time Iran got up in arms about all the abuse the world heaps on them.  I mean can’t a tyrannical backwards nation get a little respect! They just want to hate Jews and Americans in peace… and by peace I mean with killings.  I always thought Iran was misunderstood… like the Last Samurai.  Tom Cruise wasn’t the last samurai, Ken Wantanabe was.  Iran isn’t crazy, they just hate and want to kill people who aren’t them.  Is that sooo nutz!? You should read my diary, kill the mail man this and murder the milk man that.  No big deal.

Now the Iran is trying to boycott the 2012 summer Olympics in England because the flag logo is …. a racist… seriously.  The flag logo, so I heard from Charlie Sheen, said that Iranians are bad drivers and bad tippers.  I’ve heard of flags being sexist, but never racist.  They are just old, thats how old flags talk. Old flags don’t mean to be racist they just read too many editions of Good Old Times Magazine.  Which I know about because I have previously received editions for Christmases from my grandfather… that and beenie weinies.  You know the Good Old Times… when people were white and clothes covered 95% of you body, even when swimming.  So lets lay off the flag a bit, it is a product of it’s surroundings.  Flag factories are hot beds of hate.  Susan B. Anthony was a bitch I heard ( I bet nobody has ever called Susan B. Anthony a bitch before, except for George Washington when she stood him up for a date, you didn’t know history time was happening simultaneously). Lets see what all the hub bub is about.

London Olympics 2012

Holy shit that logo just called me a cracker!

Really? The only thing that logo is racist to is anybody whose race is graphic designers.  I’m pretty sure Microsoft Paint vomited that design after a night of heavy drinking.  What does Microsoft paint drink?  Nothing actually, I mean to say after huffing paint. Easy mistake.  Iranians say that it looks to much like ZION.  Zion? When did Jamaica get involved in this dispute? Damian Marley is gonna be pissed that Iran is dissing Zion.  I am no math major but is Zion spelled Zoir?  I don’t see it.  Maybe Iran is crazy.  Who even cares? Hollywood already told me via John Cusack that the world will have ended by this time anyways.  So I think it is much ado about nothing.  Lets all have a picnic.  Iran you’re not invited.  Zion you are. Or Zior which ever gets the evite.

Bye

Out

Salutations

Beep Boop Beep Boop (robot good bye)

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Awesome SONG! of the DAY! #153

(please) Don’t Blame Mexico

The Protocol

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MONSTER AWESOMENESS: BIGFOOT (aka Sasquatch!) DISCOVERED….AGAIN!

Posted in Awesome, awesome song of the day, awesomness, blog, Dork, Humor, Monsters, News with tags , , , , , on June 21, 2010 by tsanda

I have always wondered what I am going to do when I encounter Bigfoot in the hallways of my office or just outside of my cubicle.  It will be scary. I will be scared, my pants will be full and smell bad.  That is as far as I have figured out. Past the point of shitting myself I am pretty much at a loss of what I would do.

Luckily a South Carolina man has taught me exactly what to say.  Luckily it is short and has a lot of southern accent in it.

http://edition.cnn.com/2010/HEALTH/06/21/bigfoot.psychology.monsters

You only need the second paragraph.

“GIT!”

Ohhh man, it would be so priceless to have seen bigfoot’s reaction to that.

Dude – probably in coveralls with a piece of straw in is mouth.  I am thinking no shoes? Or shoes that are missing the toes? No, not sandals for everybody not from the south, something like this.

Worn out shoes

Next hipster trend... guaranteed.

This guy sees a bigfoot or maybe bigfeets, harassing his dogs.  I assume they were pulling their tales and petting them against the direction of their fur. Ohhh boy do dogs hate that shit!  You know what dogs hate more than that shit! BIGFOOT! If dogs could yell holy crap its bigfoot I am outta here… they would.  But they can’t so stop fucking day dreaming

He grabs his shotgun? Nope.  Big rock? Nope, Bazooka? Nah.  He classically yells “GIT!”

That’s what I yell at racoons who eat my garbage.  Or those pesky teenagers who are up to no good down the street.  Druggy mother fuckers.

You don’t yell Git at a classic mythical (or is it?) creature who is fucking with your dogs.  You record that shit and send it to America’s Funniest Home Videos! 10 G’s Son!

Bigfoot totally just flipped that guy off and ate his dogs. Then sat and chilled with Ronald McDonald.  Had a McRib, cause the dogs didn’t fill him up.

Hey, BIGFOOT! Leave Ronald Alone..... GIT!

So much happiness this southern belle has brought me today

Im out.

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Awesome Song of The Day #122

OLD CROW MEDICINE SHOW

WAGON WHEEL

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MY OPEN LETTER TO THE TWO FACED KITTEN!

Posted in Awesome, awesome song of the day, awesomness, blog, Dork, Monsters, Nature, News, Science with tags , , , , , , , on June 19, 2010 by tsanda

I know there is a formula for this blog and it certainly isn’t broken.  But something has happened, that is so amazing, space explosions worthy, that I felt I would do my civic duty and write the two faced kitten a letter.  A love letter of sorts?  I don’t know do you think I have a chance with mutant kitty?

And… I want to be featured on Oprah! What does a fucking dude need to do to get featured on Oprah or in O! (that’s the Oprah magazine for you heathens that don’t know) Put down Bird Monthly and pick up some O! So many good interviews with Paula Abdul and features on Losing 5 lbs before swimsuit season!

Two Faced Kitten

I can haz two faces...sorry couldn't resist.

Dear Kitty With Two Faces,

You are a marvel of the wonders of mother earth and step father space.  You were born out of magic and wonder.  Two faces? How does that happen? Science says it was a two headed sperm.  I say it was Jesus.  You are a creation of the lord himself.  Why? Why would god take time out of his busy day of canasta and PBR to make a two headed kitten? Easy, humans were bored with 1 faced kittens.  Ohh your orange tabby has 1 grill? Boring, might as well go kill itself.

Kitty, you are a monster, a disgustingly cute monster.  You just peed in my loafers and scratched my shins.  I was going to drop kick you, but look at that face it’s adorable. I mean faces, nice catch, congrats to me for proof reading just a little bit.  Your like frankenstein a misunderstood monster.  No, not like the Hunchback of Notre Dame he is just a freak.

The bad news kitty, we can’t keep both faces.  Science hasn’t figured out that technology yet.  So we need to figure out which face has got to go!

Face #1, So cute and innocent the first time I saw you it was like the sunrise after a light rain storm.  My breath was taken away.

Face #2, Your ugly as shit.

Face #1, So good at math and comedy.  Made me laugh for hours with your pi and square root jokes.  3.14 ha! that was a good one…  We will always have cosign

Face #2, You ate my sandwich.

Face #1, When you puurrrrr it is like the heavens are playing a harp for me.

Face #2, Your breath smells like cat food and turds

Face #1, When you play with string, I just giggle for hours.

Face #2, You just fell over trying to stand up.

Face #1. Say good bye to your brother

Face#2 – “fuck that”

Well face #2 just killed face 1. Damnit. Stuck with this 1 faced shit head

Ohh well. You still can kill that mouse over there right?

Face #2 “For 100 dollars”.

Hmmmm. I miss face #1

….

Okay two faced kitten this is the end of my letter.

I still love you.

Almost as much as I love the villain you were created after.

Two Face

He too loves to play with string and meow for kibble.

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Awesome Song of The Day #121

The Golden Dogs

1985 (Cover of a Paul McCartney Song) after you hear this version Paul Mc Should probably stop playing music they murder his song.

The Golden Dogs are fucking awesome by the way.

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LASER AWESOMENESS: 50TH ANNIVERSARY!

Posted in Awesome, awesomness, blog, Dork, Humor, Lasers, News with tags , , , , , on May 14, 2010 by tsanda

I am a bad lover.  I love lasers and it’s our 50th anniversary today. http://www.cnn.com/2010/TECH/05/14/laser.fifty/index.html?hpt=C2  I didn’t get you anything.  Not a card, or flowers or even chocolates.  Even though you would cut the card in half, with extreme precision.  Burn up the flowers with minimal effort and melt that chocolate into a lovely fondue with which I would rub all over you metal body. 

I have taken so much from you.  Loving movies that exploit you. Hoping the military exploits you soon.  Hoping that we get space guns in the near future so I can laser things at my own free will.  Like a cold burrito.  Put that baby on low and gently rewarm my lunch.  Or if a bear breaks into my house and attempt to eat my face.  Switch that baby to high and laser off a bears head.  Maybe go shark fishing.  I don’t know there are to many things I just get to excited.

What do I give you? Nothing.  I refuse to fund your development. Cause crap baby your expensive.  Have I ever made you dinner? Nope.  When was the last time we watched a sunset? Never, because I am too busy watching them with my dog.  Eligh loves him some emotional sunset watching.  Gotta make sure you bring enough tissues though, cause you get that pup in front of natures granduer (that is gonna stay misspelled spell check doesnt know then I am fucked) and he just loses it.  What a silly goose he is.  He is actually not a goose so that saying makes about as much sense as this post. But thats okay because I love lasers and when you are in love you do silly things. And that’s okay.  So here is to you my old lover.  I will not call you or make you a maccaroni necklace, that is reserved for Jackie Chan, I will not sing or write you a song because I am writing one for the band Live, and I will not go see your folks for Thanksgiving. 

I will however post a bunch of laser porn.

LASER BIRTHDAY

HAPPY BIRTHDAY BABY! I LOVE YOUR GLOW!

 

LASER PUMPKIN! WHY ARE YOU CHEATING ON ME...AND WITH A PUMPKIN? JUST CAUSE I DID THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN!

UGHHHHHHHH OVERLOAD MUST. CHANGE. MY. PANTS!

 

It is just so hard to stay away. I know it's not healthy but your just so badass.

No song today.

Song Soon

Enjoy your lasers.

NEWS AWESOMENESS! BUSES HAVE GONE CRAZY!

Posted in Awesome, Children, Humor, News on April 7, 2009 by tsanda

So your bus driver probably hates you.  Just get over it.  If your old he has to help you on and off and clean the diapers messes you leave … if your middle aged he has to listen to your bullshit blue tooth conversations and if your young he hates how you leave your trash on the bus and smell terrible.   The bus driver never gets his revenge.  He’s too busy controlling a huge transportation vehicle that could possibly kill hundreds of people in a fireball of explosions.  So what does he do…sneaky fucker … stop short … those buses definitely don’t have seat belts.  JENIUS bus driver (didn’t spell genius wrong it’s Jesus + Genius… basically what would Jesus and Einstein do in the same situation) 

 

BUS DRIVER ACCUSED OF USING BRAKES TO DISCIPLINE KIDS

BRATTLEBORO, Vt. – A bus driver accused of slamming on the brakes to discipline children on her bus when they misbehaved was arrested. Police said the sudden stops caused the elementary school children to hit their heads on the seat in front of them or fall on to the floor. No one was seriously injured.

According to WCAX-TV, the 38-year-year-old driver was charged with careless and negligent operation.

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Hopefully your like me when you saw this article and immediately laughed for about 10 minutes, combined with some knee slapping and some “ohh thats rich” comments.  Cause really thats the funniest shit I’ve read in a longtime.  Can you imagine the joy on the bus drivers face when she was sick of little kids throwing boogers at her or vomiting on her nice leather upholstery, so she slams the brakes and little kids go flying! HA!

But not to be one upped.  The kids wanted their revenge.  With the second funniest thing I have read in a long time.  The news is really getting on track lately.  Forget depressing stuff nobody wants to read about.  Tells us more about kids farting on Buses!

 

FARTING STUDENT SUSPENDED FROM SCHOOL BUS

March 24, 2009 12:15 AM EST | AP


LAKELAND, Fla. — An eighth-grader was suspended from riding the school bus for three days after being accused of passing gas. The bus driver wrote on a misbehavior form that a 15-year-old teen passing gas on the bus Monday to make the other children laugh, creating a stench so bad that it was difficult to breathe. The bus driver handed the teen the suspension form the next day.

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The aftermath of little Timmy's flatulence.

The aftermath of little Timmy's flatulence.

HA! In your face bus driver… I might have a headache now from you slamming on your brakes all the time … but now your bus smells like doo doo. Tough shit.

P.S. How the fuck can a School Bus driver suspend anybody?  That is probably the most shocking part of this news story.

OUT!

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Awesome Song of The Day # 22

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Thanks AP your the greatest!