TIME AWESOMENESS: DAY LIGHT SAVINGS TIME!

My supervisor told me yesterday that next weekend is Day Light Savings Time. After one of these.

Hooray for something! My office is a sunsetey beach? Well, technically having to pick up trash while chained to other people next to a guy on a horse with a shotgun isn't really considered a "job" persay. But my folks like to tell other people that I work outside.

Followed by one of these:

An Asian Grandpa taking a doo doo? Well jumping for joy makes me diarrhea prone and that photo is incredible. I hope they won that pulitzer.

I realized that I am pretty sure she is waiting for me to be an hour late and or early.  I like to game time decision whether or not I am going to fall forward or spring back. Routine is for suckers.  Although if you are 1 hour early to work nobody cares.  14 seconds late and you’re out looking for raccoons to eat.

Bill Nye: “That science doesn’t make sense.”

Me: “Well, you’re late, so you get fired.  Then you need something to wipe your tears away with and raccoon hides are super absorbent and the tongue is a delicacy. So you can be tear free, like baby shampoo, and not hungry.  Why do dogs and babies get the tear free shampoo and I am stuck here with this acid shit.  I always come out of the shower crying and people always assume I either just shit in the tub or saw myself in the mirror and burst into tears.”

Bill Nye: “Hey there flabs, you shit the tub again?”

Me: “It’s the goddamn shampoo!”

Bill Nye: “That is why I use baby shampoo”

Me: “That’s why you are the scientist and I just ate a raccoon.”

Why is it that we don’t have all the time day light savings time. I know in winter the sun is lower in the horizon and it’s naturally darker earlier.  I can live with that but then we decided to move our clocks so the sun goes down at 4:45 and we do it on purpose.  If we were drunk or an acid that action may make sense.  But we are just increasing the amount of time that vampires get to kill us and that is silliness. Just plain silliness.

Luckily I am powder from that movie and don’t go outside anyways.  F U vampires.  I’ll never invite you inside.  You’re just gonna have to go to my neighbor’s house.  They are idiots they will let you in.  Just don’t get my spare key from their drawer.

Crap.

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AWESOME SONG OF THE DAY

BOB SEGER

We’ve Got Tonight

Bob Seger would stab John Cougar in the junk with his guitar.

NORTHERN COLORADO AWESOMENESS: MINIATURE PANDA COWS!

Colorado just shit on you, son! Colorado is doing big things.  Watch your back Missouri.  I was born, raised and currently live in the fine State of square shape.  Colorado.  We have a lot going for us:  Mountains, scenic vistas, just recently the internet and the occasional El Chupacabra sighting.  I am here which is not to shabby either.  Tourists and nuns come the world over to get a glance of my ass.  There are 24 moles on my bottom that look just like Jesus, I actually think they look like Nanny Mcphee but I do have to look in a mirror which turns everything around.  Colorado is the biggest, most populated, highest elevation and danciest State in the Union.  I got those numbers from a unpublished book that I wrote.  So, it is true facts because they are from a book, but they aren’t published yet….sooo hang tight.

Just when you thought Colorado couldn’t shit on your state anymore?  Yup miniature panda cow!

UGHHH! SUCK ON SOME PANDA COWS.

Wait a tick. Is that just a cow that is black and white? Like 75% of all the cows that I ate for lunch today?  Whatever, I am running with it. According to the news outlets those cows sell for $30,000! I only have one question.  How does it taste? I can get 30,000 square cows from wendy’s for that price so I want to make sure that this is a good deal.  Okay, so for 30,000 you will also throw in a miniature camel giraffe and 4 over sized ardvarks?  Okay, these are terms I understand. Deal.

Why do feel the need to make everything miniature?

Answer. These pictures.

They are funny because they are small.

hmmm. i disagree with myself. King Sized snickers are way better. Fuck you me. Liar.

What can I say other than Colorado has way cooler cows than you do.  If there was a best state contest, Colorado’s talent would be miniature cows and fist punching.  Take your pick, you lose either way.

USA USA USA USA!

Out

…

AWESOME SONG OF THE DAY #141

more JAIL WEDDINGS!

I Thought You Were Somebody

 

BUG AWESOMENESS: ANTS!

Ants are like the me of the bug world.  They can lift 400x their body weight. I am super swole.  You ever hear about those ladies who pick up cars to save babies.  Those were actually all me.  I have this thing where I love putting babies under cars and then saving them.  I call it baby under car.  I don’t like a lot of attention so I grab the nearest lady and raise her arm and yell.  “News people, this lady did that!” She goes, as most women do, “Don’t touch me, weirdo!” Then I open a man hole (not sexually, don’t even go there! ) and drop down and run away through the sewers.

You know a good way to escape?  Sewers and man holes.  You can easily get away from anything.  You only have to watch out for C.H.U.Ds

C.H.U.D. The scariest part of sewer escapes. Unless you have a mini. And a bazooka. The C.H.U.D is not immune to missile projectiles and cannot outrun a mini. Those things are zippy!

You should take some time out of your next day to grab a magnifying glass and an ant.  They are abundant and they are probably in your cupboards right now eating your cereal.  Thats where I get mine.  They just love Cinnamon Toast Crunch.  ME TOO!

Look at them; armored plated, chainsaw faces.  They can eat wood! Leaves! spiders! I am sure there is nothing they can’t eat.  No! I take that back…Fire….They can’t eat fire.  I used my magnifying glass to feed my ants some fire and they exploded.  JOKE WARNING: PROBABLY FROM HEART BURN! ZING!

But on a serious note they died. We held a lovely ceremony in a park.  I sang Ave Maria.  The butterflies came, the caterpillar got way to drunk and the moth flew into a bug zapper.  We had to have two funerals that day.  It was rough.  Give me second.  It is still a fresh wound….

Okay, I am back how awesome are ants teeth!

I've been trying to get the plastic surgeon to do this to my face for years. Apparently this technology isn't available yet. So I got a sweet pair of huge boobs.

So if you can’t make your face ant like you might as well tattoo ants all over your face…right…I guess…

You know the ants look normal next to the push pins in my face.

I am starting to think I have more in common with ants than I do with humans.  Which would explain my obsession with the comic ant man. Cause no other humans like that.  Do ants have a comic Human Man?

ANTS LOVE CANDY! SO DO I! SHIT! AM I AN ANT?

Holy shit. I am going to be come an ant dentist. CHA CHING.

READY FOR MUSIC!?

AWESOME SONG OF THE DAY #139

MARK MALLMAN – ETERNAL MOONSHINE

saw this guy live last night for the first time. Definitely not the last.  This guy is an entertainer and his music is awesome

He literally makes musical love to the keyboard.  Words can’t explain.

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watch out for C.H.U.Ds.