Ohhh that Devil. Always trying to mess with our minds and tempt us to eat chocolate and covet they neighbors Wednesday night orgies. It is tough, cause boy howdy do those things get loud. I think last time I heard a Phoenix burn and rise from its ashes during one of those….
…. It sounds unfortunately a lot like a lawnmower starting. Life – the constant disappointment.
“Vrrrrmmm Vrrrmm Vrrrmmmvrmmmvrmmmm”
I had an “an” in front of Phoenix for a second and there were little squiggles under it. I clicked it and it’s only recommendation was to stop being a fucking moron. God damnit word. You’re a jerk!
Remember when the Devil was awesome and people were scared of him. He would produce Faces of Death and make kids listen to Black Sabbath and Led Zepplin? He made teenagers touch privates and put real oil in Mcdonald’s french fries. But here it comes to my attention that the kid from Two and a Half Men says to stop watching that show because the Devil wants you to tune in. To mush your brain. First of all, I assumed that kid was property of Warner Brothers so I am shocked he is allowed to go outside and converse with people. Secondly, why the sam hell does the Devil want people watching that show? If that show mushes your brain you will have no motivation to go out and worship the Devil. That shit takes work. You have to drawn pentagrams and sacrifice goats and shit. Nobody who watches Two and Half men is motivated for all of that work.
I mean if the Devil wants to support a medium of the media…. that doesn’t sound like a thing…. he should totally get behind my stuff. This will mush the shit out of your brain. Plus I hate goats! Always eating my cans.
For all the stereotypes about goats eating cans all the time I couldn’t find a single JPEG, yep. Gettin Technical. Keep up internet. So I found the closest alternative and it works pretty well.
Gimmie dem boobies!
That is what I always say to girls. Usually looks a lot like this too. Although I can’t grow a goatee. Whoa. Finally just got that. I am welcome.
Now the Devil wants us to watch Jon Cryer sitcoms? If you peruse any of the awesome Illuminati blogs you will find that all the Devil worshipping artists these days are sucky pussies. Like Lady Gaga and Beyonce and Taylor Swift. What the crap happened! The Devil really must have got some screws loose when Arnold whooped his ass in End of Days. I don’t like any of those jokers, I must be doing Gods work!
Ohh well lets listen to music that the Devil doesn’t like….because it is good….
Awesome Song of the Day
Pete and the Pirates
“The marks on your back and the lines on your face…. one thousand pictures”
Best Lyric Ever.
Well, after I have so much money my money count money… but that is a given.
note to self. I may have used this song before. No chance in hell I fact check that though.
So today I woke up feeling pretty damn amazing. As I floated across the bathroom floor, gliding effortlessly to Robin Thicke’s “Magic”, I noticed something strange when looking in the mirror. Normally when peering into a reflective surface, I get caught staring into my beautiful “deep as the ocean” blue eyes for 30 minutes, and if I can break that gaze, I move on to how distinguished I look. I finish off by coming up with a well thought gameplan for how I will grow my next facial hair patterns. Well today, I noticed that I do not grow fucking hair on my goddamn fucking head anymore. You bring some metal rods and some sand, and I’ll bring the horseshoe. Game on! Fuck.
“Oh I didn’t see you standing there. My Name’s Robin. I got it. You got it. We got it. The magic touch.”
I had been all excited for the Nebraska Spring Game last Saturday until Tornado Warnings caused the game to get canceled. Mother Nature is such a sultry temptress. For one brief moment, I had a reason to believe again. Football in April that isn’t reruns of Coach. I love you Dauber. Fuck yeah. I personally think that they should not have canceled the game. It was far too important. Yeah, it was a decision based off of safety concerns, but it reaches further than you’d expect. For example, children 8th grade and younger, were given free admission, as long as they completed the “drug free halftime pledge”. Now all those kids who were going to lie about not doing drugs, are out there doing drugs and they don’t even feel bad about it. Not even a lil! Hugs not drugs! Except Hugs can’t help you stay awake and alert when you need it most. In fact, hugs make me sleepy. It ruined story telling for me as well. When Michael Ziola kicks a championship clinching field goal, I would have been able to say… “I saw Mikey kick an 85 yard field goal through a tornado back in the day.” But most importantly, we tend to block out all things in real life when we have football to watch. Having no football, you notice things that you shouldn’t… You have children, your dog has actual dog food for a balanced diet(not leftover pizza crust and nacho cheese dip), you’re going bald, you should go outside during weekends, you’re not a part of your “team” and they don’t care how you feel, etc… Mother Nature, such a drug endorsing, legend killing, depression causing, cunt.
“I’m sorry, Miss Nature. I didn’t mean that, it wasn’t RAUtional thought. I still love tickling that twat of yours on the regular. I love you.”
Those Nebraska children will have the best of both worlds.
It was easy for me to blame Mother Nature for all that because its hard to face the truth… This is all Offseason Football’s fault. We live in a society, where most people are more worried about drama that affects nothing important whatsoever. It honestly makes me cry. But I cry in the shower, so no one sees my tears(my tears taste like Orange Julius, in case you were wondering). Offseason Football has done the unthinkable…It has allowed this lifestyle to enter the game we love. Sports Center has turned into the tabloids. We no longer get to hear about what actually happens on the field. We get worthless garbage.
Example:
The Saint’s Bounty System: For fuck’s sake. This is nothing more than a “swear jar” system that is being blown out of proportion. Every job has some kind of incentive if you’re good at stuff. If the players do good things, they get small rewards. In pee wee football, you get orange slices at halftime, but if you are on a winning streak they take you out for pizza parties and give you mimosas after games. That doesn’t mean those kids need to claim those rewards on their taxes. Kid’s don’t do taxes? Ugh, Our youth today has no work ethic. It’s in the player’s and coaches’ lingo to tell players to go out and kill the other players(OTHER PLAYERS being the key point RAY LEWIS). At the earliest stages of the game we are taught to be mini Ivan Dragos on the field. We need to crush and break everyone. It’s fucking football. These dudes don’t get paid 100 million dollars for no reason. It is a dangerous game. If we want to take out the rough portion of the game, pay the players like runners. That is all they will be. Runners. If you ask someone if they will take 20 years off their life to make millions and be set for life, everyone says yes. That is what these men do. Of course you’re going to test other players at their weakness. We don’t tell boxers not to aim for a gash opened above an eye.
The future of the NFL. Short shorts, tank tops, running, and mustaches…It's not all bad, no current NFL player had TWO movies made about them. PRE!
I go on about just that example all day, but I should probably do some actual work at work (gotta make that money because I apparently have the financial prowess of Woody Harrelson in White Men Can’t Jump). If this wasn’t going on in the offseason. It would not be a big deal. It would work its way out on the field. We get nonstop trash all day long about players feelings (Lamar Kardashian), owners feelings (Manning/Irsay), and, the worst, where players will end up playing in 3 years after their contract is up (if they haven’t demanded a trade already). This is all shit that doesn’t matter but we make it matter because we have no football to watch. We are one step away from Maury Povich (god bless his heart) intervening during interviews to announce that “Tim Tebow is or is not the father of Kim Kardashians’ baby”. I miss the 90’s sports. Where shit was legit. Mainly the 90’s NBA. Men who you wouldn’t cross or ask about their feelings. Mugsy Bogues would cut your face (standing on a stool of course), if you ever asked if he planned on leaving Charlotte. Note to self: Buy a 90’s Charlotte Hornets Starter Jacket. I won’t go too far into that right now. That deserves its own piece.
In conclusion, I am going bald. Yeah I didn’t finish this as strong as I would have liked, but my contract with TSANDA is up in a year, so I’m going to just phone this one in and think about where I’m going to write next year. You can just call me DWrite Howard. Plus, I’m sleepy due to a recently received hug, and I have no drugs to counteract the poison. Hug Poison. Sounds like a good band name. Better than my current band name, “Stale Croutons”
I am going to post an actual full news story. So you can see that I am not full of shit. This actually happened. There are crimes that make no sense to me. Murder, rape, animal sodomy. Then there are crimes of extreme passion and necessity that I condone and completely understand. Stealing Tacos is definitely one of those.
ohh wait that is rap song with a chorus that is “I’m the 7th letter of the Alphabet, I’m a G”
Here we go:
“Today in: “Well, that was unnecessary,” we bring you the story of Erving Walker, the Florida Gators guard who allegedly stole a taco and didn’t get away with it. It wasn’t even a gourmet taco — it was the $3 dollar variety from a street vendor. Why, Erving, why?
You might think that Walker is a freshman, perhaps feeling a little high on helping his team make the Elite 8, and felt like a taco was perhaps owed to him. But Walker is a senior who felt deserving of a free taco. If this was, say, a Jamar Samuels type situation, then this theft would be sad. But Walker, who said he was “just playing around” when the cops caught him, looks to be the entitled collegiate-athlete type.
Walker wasn’t arrested, because the police probably recognized that being known as “the basketball player who steals tacos” is punishment enough. He will have to appear in court next month, where he may have to plead guilty to “stealing three dollars worth of tortilla, meat and cheese.” Sorry, that’s lawyer speak for “cheap taco.””
– some news publication.
–
My favorite part is that Taco’s are amazing.
My second favorite part is that he got chased by the police to which he remarked. “I was just playing around…” Take it from Harrison Ford, authority types hate when you run from them.
“I didn’t steal that Taco!” “I don’t care…”
How does this student athlete who is a top 5 all time leading scorer for Florida not out run Police Officers. Cops these days are fat as hell. I can briskly walk past most police and watching me makes them tired.
Thumb Wrestling for the Taco that was stolen. Getting winded in the process.
I’m pretty sure that cops love food related crimes. They did a taco line up to figure out which taco was stolen.
Nom Nom Nom.
You guys ate the line up again? Well this handsome fucking blogger helped too.
Makes me recant my previous statement. I might just kill somebody for a taco. Dorito Shell Taco Bell? I’d stab for that.
—
Awesome Song of The Day
Odd Future
Oldie
Seriously one of the best rap songs I’ve heard in ages. I was never quite sure about these guys but this song is all the talent coming out and not being overshadowed by the weirdness.
THE A IS FOR AWESOME 