Archive for the Music Category

The Devil Is A Puss Bag These Days…

Posted in Arnold, Awesome, awesome song of the day, awesomness, blog, comedy, Humor, Music, Television with tags , , , , , , , , , , on November 28, 2012 by tsanda

Ohhh that Devil.  Always trying to mess with our minds and tempt us to eat chocolate and covet they neighbors Wednesday night orgies.  It is tough, cause boy howdy do those things get loud.  I think last time I heard a Phoenix burn and rise from its ashes during one of those….

…. It sounds unfortunately a lot like a lawnmower starting.  Life – the constant disappointment.

 

“Vrrrrmmm Vrrrmm Vrrrmmmvrmmmvrmmmm”

I had an “an” in front of Phoenix for a second and there were little squiggles under it.  I clicked it and it’s only recommendation was to stop being a fucking moron.  God damnit word.  You’re a jerk!

Remember when the Devil was awesome and people were scared of him.  He would produce Faces of Death and make kids listen to Black Sabbath and Led Zepplin?  He made teenagers touch privates and put real oil in Mcdonald’s french fries. But here it comes to my attention that the kid from Two and a Half Men says to stop watching that show because the Devil wants you to tune in.  To mush your brain.  First of all, I assumed that kid was property of Warner Brothers so I am shocked he is allowed to go outside and converse with people.  Secondly, why the sam hell does the Devil want people watching that show? If that show mushes your brain you will have no motivation to go out and worship the Devil.  That shit takes work.  You have to drawn pentagrams and sacrifice goats and shit.  Nobody who watches Two and Half men is motivated for all of that work.

I mean if the Devil wants to support a medium of the media…. that doesn’t sound like a thing…. he should totally get behind my stuff.  This will mush the shit out of your brain.  Plus I hate goats! Always eating my cans.

For all the stereotypes about goats eating cans all the time I couldn’t find a single JPEG, yep. Gettin Technical.  Keep up internet.  So I found the closest alternative and it works pretty well.

Gimmie dem boobies!

That is what I always say to girls.  Usually looks a lot like this too. Although I can’t grow a goatee.  Whoa. Finally just got that. I am welcome.

Now the Devil wants us to watch Jon Cryer sitcoms? If you peruse any of the awesome Illuminati blogs you will find that all the Devil worshipping artists these days are sucky pussies.  Like Lady Gaga and Beyonce and Taylor Swift. What the crap happened!  The Devil really must have got some screws loose when Arnold whooped his ass in End of Days.  I don’t like any of those jokers, I must be doing Gods work!

Ohh well lets listen to music that the Devil doesn’t like….because it is good….

Awesome Song of the Day

Pete and the Pirates

“The marks on your back and the lines on your face…. one thousand pictures”

Best Lyric Ever.

Well, after I have so much money my money count money… but that is a given.

note to self. I may have used this song before.  No chance in hell I fact check that though.

 

 

GUEST WRITING AWESOMENESS: OFFSEASON FOOTBALL!

Posted in Awesome, awesome song of the day, awesomness, Basketball, blog, comedy, Football, Humor, Music, The 90's with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , on April 18, 2012 by tsanda

So today I woke up feeling pretty damn amazing.  As I floated across the bathroom floor, gliding effortlessly to Robin Thicke’s “Magic”, I noticed something strange when looking in the mirror.  Normally when peering into a reflective surface, I get caught staring into my beautiful “deep as the ocean” blue eyes for 30 minutes, and if I can break that gaze, I move on to how distinguished I look.  I finish off by coming up with a well thought gameplan for how I will grow my next facial hair patterns.  Well today, I noticed that I do not grow fucking hair on my goddamn fucking head anymore.  You bring some metal rods and some sand, and I’ll bring the horseshoe.  Game on! Fuck.

Robin Thicke, The Magic Touch

“Oh I didn’t see you standing there. My Name’s Robin. I got it. You got it. We got it. The magic touch.”

I had been all excited for the Nebraska Spring Game last Saturday until Tornado Warnings caused the game to get canceled.  Mother Nature is such a sultry temptress.  For one brief moment, I had a reason to believe again.  Football in April that isn’t reruns of Coach.  I love you Dauber. Fuck yeah.    I personally think that they should not have canceled the game.  It was far too important.  Yeah, it was a decision based off of safety concerns, but it reaches further than you’d expect.  For example, children 8th grade and younger, were given free admission, as long as they completed the “drug free halftime pledge”.  Now all those kids who were going to lie about not doing drugs, are out there doing drugs and they don’t even feel bad about it.  Not even a lil!  Hugs not drugs!  Except Hugs can’t help you stay awake and alert when you need it most.  In fact, hugs make me sleepy.  It ruined story telling for me as well.  When Michael Ziola kicks a championship clinching field goal, I would have been able to say… “I saw Mikey kick an 85 yard field goal through a tornado back in the day.”  But most importantly, we tend to block out all things in real life when we have football to watch.  Having no football, you notice things that you shouldn’t… You have children, your dog has actual dog food for a balanced diet(not leftover pizza crust and nacho cheese dip), you’re going bald, you should go outside during weekends, you’re not a part of your  “team” and they don’t care how you feel,  etc…   Mother Nature, such a drug endorsing,  legend killing, depression causing, cunt.

Mother Nature

“I’m sorry, Miss Nature. I didn’t mean that, it wasn’t RAUtional thought. I still love tickling that twat of yours on the regular. I love you.”

Hugs and Drugs

Those Nebraska children will have the best of both worlds.

It was easy for me to blame Mother Nature for all that because its hard to face the truth… This is all Offseason Football’s fault. We live in a society, where most people are more worried about drama that affects nothing important whatsoever.  It honestly makes me cry.  But I cry in the shower, so no one sees my tears(my tears taste like Orange Julius, in case you were wondering).  Offseason Football has done the unthinkable…It has allowed this lifestyle to enter the game we love. Sports Center has turned into the tabloids.  We no longer get to hear about what actually happens on the field.  We get worthless garbage.

Example:

The Saint’s Bounty System:  For fuck’s sake.   This is nothing more than a “swear jar” system that is being blown out of proportion.  Every job has some kind of incentive if you’re good at stuff.   If the players do good things, they get small rewards.  In pee wee football, you get orange slices at halftime, but if you are on a winning streak they take you out for pizza parties and give you mimosas after games.  That doesn’t mean those kids need to claim those rewards on their taxes.  Kid’s don’t do taxes?  Ugh, Our youth today has no work ethic.  It’s in the player’s and coaches’ lingo to tell players to go out and kill the other players(OTHER PLAYERS being the key point RAY LEWIS).  At the earliest stages of the game we are taught to be mini Ivan Dragos on the field.  We need to crush and break everyone.  It’s fucking football.  These dudes don’t get paid 100 million dollars for no reason.  It is a dangerous game.  If we want to take out the rough portion of the game, pay the players like runners.  That is all they will be.  Runners.  If you ask someone if they will take 20 years off their life to make millions and be set for life, everyone says yes.  That is what these men do.  Of course you’re going to test other players at their weakness.  We don’t tell boxers not to aim for a gash opened above an eye.

Prefontaine, Pre

The future of the NFL. Short shorts, tank tops, running, and mustaches…It's not all bad, no current NFL player had TWO movies made about them. PRE!

I go on about just that example all day, but I should probably do some actual work at work (gotta make that money because I apparently have the financial prowess of Woody Harrelson in White Men Can’t Jump).  If this wasn’t going on in the offseason.  It would not be a big deal.  It would work its way out on the field.  We get nonstop trash all day long about players feelings (Lamar Kardashian), owners feelings (Manning/Irsay), and, the worst, where players will end up playing in 3 years after their contract is up (if they haven’t demanded a trade already). This is all shit that doesn’t matter but we make it matter because we have no football to watch.  We are one step away from Maury Povich (god bless his heart) intervening during interviews to announce that “Tim Tebow is or is not the father of Kim Kardashians’ baby”. I miss the 90’s sports.  Where shit was legit.  Mainly the 90’s NBA.  Men who you wouldn’t cross or ask about their feelings.  Mugsy Bogues would cut your face (standing on a stool of course), if you ever asked if he planned on leaving Charlotte.  Note to self: Buy a 90’s Charlotte Hornets Starter Jacket.  I won’t go too far into that right now.  That deserves its own piece.

In conclusion, I am going bald.  Yeah I didn’t finish this as strong as I would have liked, but my contract with TSANDA is up in a year, so I’m going to just phone this one in and think about where I’m going to write next year.  You can just call me DWrite Howard.  Plus, I’m sleepy due to a recently received hug, and I have no drugs to counteract the poison. Hug Poison.  Sounds like a good band name.  Better than my current band name, “Stale Croutons”

-Rau

Awesome Song of the Day:

Jack Penate

“Pull my heart away”

CRIME AWESOMENESS: GETTING ARRESTED FOR A TACO!

Posted in Awesome, awesome song of the day, awesomness, blog, comedy, Dork, Humor, Music with tags , , , , , , , , , , on March 31, 2012 by tsanda

I am going to post an actual full news story.  So you can see that I am not full of shit. This actually happened. There are crimes that make no sense to me.  Murder, rape, animal sodomy.  Then there are crimes of extreme passion and necessity that I condone and completely understand. Stealing Tacos is definitely one of those.

ohh wait that is rap song with a chorus that is “I’m the 7th letter of the Alphabet, I’m a G”

Here we go:

“Today in: “Well, that was unnecessary,” we bring you the story of Erving Walker, the Florida Gators guard who allegedly stole a taco and didn’t get away with it. It wasn’t even a gourmet taco — it was the $3 dollar variety from a street vendor. Why, Erving, why?

Walker ordered a taco early Friday morning and ran away without paying. When cops started to follow him and ordered him to stop, Walker kept going. They soon caught up to him, however, and charged him with petty theft and resisting an officer.

You might think that Walker is a freshman, perhaps feeling a little high on helping his team make the Elite 8, and felt like a taco was perhaps owed to him. But Walker is a senior who felt deserving of a free taco. If this was, say, a Jamar Samuels type situation, then this theft would be sad. But Walker, who said he was “just playing around” when the cops caught him, looks to be the entitled collegiate-athlete type.

Walker wasn’t arrested, because the police probably recognized that being known as “the basketball player who steals tacos” is punishment enough. He will have to appear in court next month, where he may have to plead guilty to “stealing three dollars worth of tortilla, meat and cheese.” Sorry, that’s lawyer speak for “cheap taco.””

– some news publication.

My favorite part is that Taco’s are amazing.

My second favorite part is that he got chased by the police to which he remarked.  “I was just playing around…”  Take it from Harrison Ford, authority types hate when you run from them.

“I didn’t steal that Taco!”  “I don’t care…”

How does this student athlete who is a top 5 all time leading scorer for Florida not out run Police Officers.  Cops these days are fat as hell.  I can briskly walk past most police and watching me makes them tired.

Fat Cops

Thumb Wrestling for the Taco that was stolen. Getting winded in the process.

I’m pretty sure that cops love food related crimes.  They did a taco line up to figure out which taco was stolen.

Nom Nom Nom.

You guys ate the line up again? Well this handsome fucking blogger helped too.

Makes me recant my previous statement.  I might just kill somebody for a taco.  Dorito Shell Taco Bell? I’d stab for that.

Awesome Song of The Day

Odd Future

Oldie

Seriously one of the best rap songs I’ve heard in ages.  I was never quite sure about these guys but this song is all the talent coming out and not being overshadowed by the weirdness.

 

 

GUNS AWESOMENESS: HIDDEN ARM GUNS!

Posted in Actors, Awesome, awesome song of the day, awesomness, blog, Guns, Humor, Music, Stuff, Stupid, Weapons with tags , , , , , , , on March 12, 2012 by tsanda

Full disclosure.  That was my penis I just showed you. I should have probably said full disclosure and then showed you my party tyme trio, thus giving you some chance of looking away.  Rather I just pulled down my pants while your back was turned and then when you turned back around I was pointing straight at it… and!……. it was point straight at you.  Damn kid. That one was good. I mean party tyme trio and an erection joke in one paragraph Hemingway ain’t got shit.

Fact of sciences#44: You cannot look away from something that somebody is pointing at.  Don’t ask me, I don’t make the rules. Ask Johnny Mnemonic.

Keanu Reeves from Johnny Mnemonic

My Face Itches.

Hey, I just said you could ask him.  I can’t guarantee the answer you get.

So, when I was saying full disclosure and got caught up in kinda being a bit perveee, I was going to talk about how much I love guns.  One of my favorite guns?  The hidden arm gun. You know what I am talking about.  That little sexy bitch that slides into place on the metal track on your forearm and then when the moment is right, you get to shoot somebody in the face.

I suck at this gun though.  I keep forgetting to take it off and then when I am orchestrating an orchestra and my arm gun engages all sorts of people start screaming and running.  Some guy has a Nam flashback.  I shot a cat.  I mean it probably wouldn’t be so bad if I just put it back into its holster but I have to pop a couple off when it happens.  It’s another rule of sciences. When hidden arm guns slide out shots are gonna get taken then fired.

Desperado, Antonio Banderas, Arm Sleeve Guns

It's amazing that nobody in that bar noticed his popeye arms and wondered if he was about to go all bananas on that place.

I should have watched Desperado prior to going on my murderous rampage.  Instead, I just listened to Desperado by The Eagles and apparently didn’t gleam the same information.  I don’t think gleam is a word.  Well, it is now. Fuck you Miriam Webster.

Because when I first discovered these weapons I put the gun on my calf instead of my forearms.  So here I was in a big old pickadilly.  Guns everywhere.  I had a smug ass look on my face.  Somebody said.  “Hey, Poncho. You die next.”  Which is how I always wanted to go out, so I was kinda torn.  But not today.  I did an Elvis leg shake to engage my weapon and my leg gun just fell out of my pants onto the floor and I got shot to death.  Apparently the whole purpose is to catch it in your hand. Huh. Silly me.

 

Perfect Creshendo into a 9 minute long Music Video about Jake Gyllenhaal getting shaves and killing people with fencing gear.

The real song doesn’t start till about 2:30 but the incredible starts immediately.

The Shoes

TIME TO DANCE

THE DEVIL WENT DOWN TO BLOGSVILLE!

Posted in Awesome, awesome song of the day, awesomness, Bill Nye, blog, comedy, Humor, Music, Stupid with tags , , , , , , on February 29, 2012 by tsanda

“The Devil Went Down To Blogsville”

-The devil went down to Blogsville and he was looking for a blog to rip off.

He was in a bind ‘cos he was way behind and he didn’t really want to worry about grammar or punctuation.

When he came across this young sexy son of a bitch furiously doing yahoo image searches and stopping to masturbate like it’s hot.

And the Devil back flipped upon a hickory stump and said “Boy let me tell you what” “Why do you have a hickory stump in your house?”

“I guess you didn’t know it, but I’m a blog player too.”

“Well no, that’s not what I asked but okay” “And if you’d care to take a dare, I’ll make a bet with you.”

“My momma told me not to take dares from strangers, especially the devil… but I got a good feeling about you, sir.”

“Now you type a pretty amazing blog, boy, but give the Devil his due”

“Devil, that will be hard, I have never read any of your blog titles”

“I bet a bag of goldfish against your soul, ‘cos I think I’m gonna figuratively shit on your chest with words ‘cos I think I am better than you.”

The boy said: “Well that’s a pretty awesome bet.  I can handle figurative chest shitting and! I do love me some goldfish, and My name’s TsandA and it might be a sin,”But I’ll take your bet, wait a minute Mr. Devil, you get my soul and I get crackers? Sucker , ‘cos I’m pretty fucking amazing.”

TsandA you rosin up your mouse and mash that keyboard hard.
‘Cos hells broke loose in an unidentified western state and the Devil likes mediocre observational humor.
And if you win you get some pretty good crackers
But if you lose, the devil gets your soul.  Wait, what? I just got that.  Fuck.  I thought you meant my Kia Soul.

The devil opened up his laptop case and he said: “I’ll start this show.”  Before he started TsandA said, “can you be the Devil as Al Pacino from The Devil’s Advocate?”  The Devil shrugged and said as long as I get your dog’s Soul too.  But then the Devil realized this man’s dog already sold his soul for so many Spurs championships!  Argh! Fine just yours!

And fire flew from his fingertips and he melted his computer.  We then had to go to Best Buy and get one of those nifty computers that can be dropped and burnt and stuff so we could blog duel.

And he put his scary red fingers across the keyboard and it made an evil hiss.  I told him that sounds like a boot error and he should call Geek Squad.
Then a typing pool of demons joined in and it sounded something like this.

(mashing keyboards and button noises that sounds like music and masterfulness ((shit what is our hero going to do is what you’re thinking during this interlude(((but don’t worry he is busy watching, NBA on TNT? shit aren’t you supposed to be preparing for blog battle?((((the what?, ahh drat, that soul thing again(((((I was hoping he would forget))))))

When the devil finished, TsandA said: “Wow that blog fucking sucks”.  It is just about your family trip to underground fiery volcano’s and pitchfork stabbing people.  Well I liked that part.

“But sit down in that chair, right there, and let me show you how its done.”

Space Explosions on the mountain, run Bill Nye, run.
The devil’s in the House of Payne.
Chicken in the bread pan, pickin’ out dough.
“Granny, does your dog bite?”
“No, child, no.”

Those last few lines don’t need changing they already make no sense.

The devil bowed his head  so TsandA could punch him in the back of the head
He laid a bag of pizza goldfish on the ground at TsandA’s feet.
TsandA said: “whoa, wait a friggen minute, pizza goldfish are terrible!” The Devil replied, “you should have read the fine print you hillbilly”

After a few minutes of reviewing the contract with his legal counsel TsandA threw up his hands in Pizza flavored agony and said,

“Devil just come on back if you ever want to get blog sodomized again”
“cause I told you once, you son of a gun, I’m  the “46,891st best there has ever been.”

To taunt that fucking asshole the Devil

He typed about Grilled Cheese with Arbys Sauce on a Cheesy Gordita Crunch , run Dauber from Coach, run.
The devil’s in the House M.D of the Rising Sun? (what?).
Chicken in the bread pan, now they’re pickin’ out dough.
“Granny, will your dog bite?”
“No, child, no.”

But then that lying grannies dog bite me.  It really hurt too.  I had to get some neosporin and then the next time I showered the wound burned like the dickens.  Damn it granny!  Why must you lie about such things!

Then the Devil came back and challenged me to a game of 1 on 1 backflips.  I lost! I should have not bet on something I cannot do.  At least this time it was only for my Kia Soul.  What? Regular soul again.  Damnit!

Me and The Devil getting to business. You say Jesus, I say me. If I never blog another blog you know I was just hit by lighting. I'd prefer Bigfoot attack but beggars cannot be choosers.

Why do religion people not show non religion people this photos?  That would convert 97% of the heathens immediately. The last 3% were just won over by me.  So you are welcome. Sirs and Maams.

AWESOME SONG OF THE DAY!

guess.

You thought it would be The Devil Went Down To Georgia? Are you kidding? I only play classics!  Plus I just murdered that song.  So, no thank you, Mr. Daniels.

SHIT TALKING AWESOMENESS: LEBRON JAMES EDITION!

Posted in awesome song of the day, awesomness, Basketball, blog, comedy, Dork, Humor, Music with tags , , , , on February 13, 2012 by tsanda

People have awesome ways of saying they are going to kick peoples asses.  I like the old stand by.  Hey, Buddy. I’ll punch you in the throat with my fists. You can also use. Yo Guy. Stop touching my Mazda Protege or I will drive it into your house. Bill Nye “the Science Guy” doesn’t use violent words.  He just throws beakers of molten acid on your grille piece and laughs.  He then drives away in a car with grass on it, because he is one bad ass environmentalist.

Another Classic Nye Post Acid Attack Face. Zany Guy.

What the hell is going on on that TV behind Nye.

Bill Nye. “Bondage hot dog eating…”

Me “….” “ahhhHHHHH, AHHH!!!!’ “ACID!”

Bill Nye. “What have I said about looking at me”

Me “AHHHHH! ACID”

Bill Nye – Post Acid Face (refer to above photograph)

Would Bill Nye’s rap name be Ill Nye?

Lebron James apparently is from 1924 and has the best fighting lingo I have heard in ages.

I read the first 4 sentences of this article and knew I didn’t have to read any more.  That would be a waste of time.  I also knew that it was from yahoo news so nobody else is going to read it to check my shit.

http://sports.yahoo.com/blogs/nba-ball-dont-lie/lebron-threatened-kick-heckler-butt-gotta-problem-tough-153104602.html

That is the article if you are so inclined.

However this is all you needed.

“LeBron James told a heckling fan that he wanted to kick his tail all over the beltway, and if anyone has a problem with LeBron saying as much to that fan they can just take their heckles somewhere else”

I know this is a paraphrase.  But I only want to imagine this is how the whole thing went down.  Beltway? What the fuck is that.  The only people who can say things like, “I want to kick his tail” Are people like me who are very nasally and have to push their glasses up on their face as they say it.  Also, if you don’t like the heckling you can just take your heckles elsewhere? This solves nothing.  Pacifism never entertained me.  So I close my eyes and picture old basketball shooter McChinStrap (that lebron) kicking tails across beltways.  Only to get hit by Bill Nye’s Mazda Protege.

AWESOME SONG OF THE DAY

OBERHOFER

I CAN GO

Currently Pole Position for My favorite song of February 13, 2012.  Keep up the good work. Only two hours to keep that spot! Fuck I just told people what time zone I am in.  Here come the barrage of fan hand jobs.

MUSIC AWESOMENESS: WHITNEY!

Posted in Awesome, awesome song of the day, Celebrities, Humor, memories, Music, The 80's with tags , , , , on February 11, 2012 by tsanda

Whitney Houston died today.  I’m not really shaken up or anything.  I mean she was 48 and in crack head years that is like 174.  Can’t really say I am surprised.  I think I’d be more surprised if somebody told me Whitney Houston had gone to the moon or fought Apollo Creed.  But I will say one thing.  Try to watch the Bodyguard and not tear up a bit.  Also, you’re a fucking liar if you tell me you don’t jam to our awesome song of the day whenever you hear it come on the radio in your car.  I’ll admit it.  When this hits the speakers I put that to full volume and let my hair down.  Pubic Hair. I usually wear those up, looks better for fancy dinners.

AWESOME SONG OF THE DAY

WHITNEY HOUSTON – I WANNA DANCE WITH SOMEBODY

RIP Ms. Houston. You were a classic.