Archive for the Movies Category

MOVIE AWESOMENESS: JASON STATHAM IN SAFE!

Posted in Action, Actors, Awesome, awesome song of the day, awesomness, blog, comedy, Humor, Movies with tags , , , , , , , , , on April 23, 2012 by tsanda

Jason Statham is really fucking good and protecting and transporting things, people, briefcases, etc.  You are really excited to see Safe, a new action thriller coming out soon.  But crud!  There are a lot of movies out these days and you can’t get to them all.  I mean we are all probably chomping at the bit to see some Johnny Depp movie about an ancient vampire who is blown away by TV’s and Mcdonalds….right…? This is just vampire Harry and the Hendersons… and that my friend is a masterpiece.  It’s only down hill when you don’t have John Lithgow involved.

Harry and the Hendersons, John Lithgow, Harry, Bigfoot, humor, comedy

Lithgow here. I just added this picture because that's how I hope John Lithgow answers the phone.

So I will do you a huge solid and give you a run down of the movie.  I had to save my own time so I haven’t watched it either.  But I am willing to bet 3 cases of rootbeer milk that I am pretty darn close.

If the movie poster is any indication this movie is gonna be good.

Safe, Jason Statham, Guns, Movie, Blog, Humor

Find your own kid napping victim. She is mine.

Jason Statham plays Uzi Sanchez.  A down on his luck Mexican Boxer.  He has been homeless since his last big beat and also got kicked off the force for not being corrupt.

He devises a perfect scheme.  Kidnap a little asian girl who is good with numbers to help him win scratch tickets.  So he can then win the money to enter a kickboxing competition to save his blind half brother from an Australian hit squad.

Jason Statham, Safe, Humor, Comedy

The homeless years: I hope they edit out the scene where I eat sausages from a dumpster.

They don’t that scene is gritty and real.

Statham, Jason Statham, Safe, blog, humor, comedy

Hey Buddy, I've told you once I've told you twice, stop giving hand jobs in our dumpster!

Okay, so for the first half of the movie Uzi is hooked on smack and can’t stop trying to give hand jobs for the money.  It’s then he sees his salvation.  The math kid.

Statham, Jason Statham, Safe, Yelling at a kid, Humor, Comedy

HEY KID!!! AHHHHH!!!! CAN YOU COUNT TO 7 11 OR 21?????!!!!!!??!?!?!

Uzi’s weakness is for 7 11 21, a scratcher, that is a real head scratcher.  You have to add 3 numbers and if they are 7 11 or 21 you win! But those are the 3 hardest numbers to add up to in the English Dictionary.  Many a sad afternoon you could find Uzi crying while looking at a ticket trying to count on his fingers.  Most of which he lost in a man vs chicken fighting ring in lower manhattan.

Statham, Jason Statham, Safe, Comedy, Blog, Humor

Shit. It's daytime. I probably should have done this a little more secretively.

As you can imagine they pretty much run around in circles and many times he yells at her.  “Don’t worry, I wont let you go home to your parents until you win me the $5,0000 grab prize.”

Then a miracle.

A Winner.

7+3+1.  He steals some kids Nokia plays some snake. Then adds the numbers. 11. Holy shit. I did it.

Jason Statham, Safe, Comedy, Humor, Blog

Hey mister, did you save enough after buying that suit to save your brother?....shit.

He then holds this pose and the gun at the girl for the final 23 minutes of the movie while a God Speed You Black Emperor song plays in its entirety in the background.

Screen goes black.  You hear a gunshot.  Did he kill her… or himself?  Maybe one of the thousand cops following up on the Amber Alert shot him…  One of those great movie mysteries that will be talked about for years to come.  Maybe it was all a dream?

Credits role. Written, Directed, Starred, Produced, Edited, Shot and Catered by Jason Statham.  That guy can do it all.

The End….Or is it?/ To Be Continued / Maybe … Shrug.

AWESOME SONG OF THE DAY

Gladys Knight and the Pips

Midnight Train to Georgia

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TV SHOW AWESOMENESS: AWAKE!

Posted in Awesome, awesome song of the day, awesomness, blog, comedy, Dork, Humor, Movies, Television, Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , on March 22, 2012 by tsanda

Again something I’ve never seen before.  I enjoy talking about stuff I know nothing about other than my immediate preconceptions. I find things are usually neater in my brain than in real life. Like how Wrath of the Titans has fucking nothing to do with Remember the Titans.  I was expecting a violently inspirational equal rights story.  Instead all we  get is Sam Waterston flying a horse.  What? Worthington? Damnit.  I thought he was stuck on a ledge.

Awake, according to a TV guide sentence I skimmed, is about a guy who gets in a car crash and either his son dies or his wife dies depending on whether or not he is dreaming and which dream/reality he is in.  That is a great idea.  However, that guy has the most depressing and boring dreams ever.  I’d have to decide between a world where I ride falcor to fight predators with John Spartan and Simon Phoenix.

John Spartan, Knitting, Demolition Man, Sly Stallone

John Spartan knitting me a red sleeveless kimono.

Addition Sign

Simon Phoenix, Demolition Man, Wesley Snipes

Simon Phoenix is such a good name Nick Cage is fucking furious he was not in this movie.

Plus

Falcor, Neverending Story

Little Known Fact: Falcor was fired from the Rock-afire Explosion for railing to much coke.

=

Predator

Murdered Predator. I don't take spines and skulls though. I collect stamps.

It’s better than my alternate dreamality.

Madea

Shivers.

+

The Gimp, Pulp Fiction

Damnit, I thought you were sleeping

Now my shrink has to figure out what is wrong with me.  Good Luck Billy Crystal.

AWESOME SONG OF THE DAY

Rock-afire explosion Covering Usher and Young Jeezy

Love in this Club

 

 

TRANSPORTATION AWESOMENESS: GETTING CARRIED!

Posted in Awesome, awesome song of the day, awesomness, blog, comedy, Humor, Movies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , on March 21, 2012 by tsanda

The best way to get around? Definitely getting carried; behind teleportation pods from the Fly (minus the Fly of course….Silly Goldblum), spaceships, segway, golf carts, mario karts, and the occasional Sasquatch ride that is. Contrary to popular beef jerky ads Sasquatches are quite the gentle giants.  Nobody likes to be joshed around by strangers while you’re trying to catch some creek side zzzzzzz’s.

It begs the question. Is there a wrong way to get carried?

Bob Hope’s ghost – “No it doesn’t”

Balky – “Bob Hope’s Ghost that is a stretch, even for you…”

I’d be honored to be haunted by Bob Hope’s ghost.

Bob Hope’s Ghost – “thanks, although I didn’t tell you that I am a very rapey ghost.”

So I stumbled upon some news today that Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is getting remade.  By Michael Bay.  He keeps remaking old stuff from my youth and trying to murder it.  Next he is going to remake classics like The Rock and Armageddon.  We will have to do a Terminator style thing where we send young awesome Michael Bay to stop old insanity Michael Bay from making movies.  Or at least add a little Aerosmith here and there.

In my TMNT readings I remembered Krang.  Who is a giant brain that uses a giant human exoskeleton suit to get carried around.

Krang, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, TMNT

Krang's face looks like that because his exoskeleton is shitting, and that thing only drinks Pabst and eats Cool Ranch Doritos.

That to me is a terrible location for Krang.  Why not just be the head.  As previously retorted you are right by that giant suits dangus and buttle.  All day its just shitting and pissing and it splashes on your brain matter and that stuff is hard to clean out of brain matter. I could just walk up like I am going to say Hi Krang and just punch Krang in the face. I’ll probably get torn in half soon there after, cause I hit like a 12 year old girl, but I’d get that one good shot it.  Probably not the best scenario for a evil mastermind to be easily punchable.

Better ways?

Master Blaster.

Master Blaster, Beyond the Thunderdome

Master Blaster's only weakness? Titty Twisters.

Little guy up there all protected laughing at all the Mel Gibson’s he makes clean up shit. Perfect.

What about Chewbacca?

C3P0 and Chewbacca, Star Wars, The Empire Strikes Back

Who keeps Signing My Blog?

Chewy has the right idea too.  C3PO is all tucked away and safe from danger.  Chewy kills the bad guys and PO gets to gently nap against Chewbacca’s hide. Now, I am not that into hunting or animal furs but if I could wear a chubacca fur around town.  I totally would.  It means I am fashionable, socialite and able to kill Chewbaccas.

The best?

Richard Gere, some lady, Officer and a Gentleman

They tried this with Louis Gossett Jr. but Richard Gere couldn't hold him up.

Getting carried out of your job and staring Gently into Richard Gere’s eyes. Takes the cake.

I guess staring into Chewy’s eyes would be pretty okay too.

That was a long one… Who wants some music?

Awesome Song of The Day

Sin Fan

Slow Lights

 

UNCONVENTIONAL HERO AWESOMENESS: THE FERAL KID FROM THE ROAD WARRIOR!

Posted in Awesome, awesome song of the day, awesomness, blog, comedy, Dork, Humor, Movies, Stuff, Stupid, The 80's, Uncategorized, What the Fuck? with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on March 11, 2012 by tsanda

When you have this trying to steal your gas.

LORD HUMUNGOUS, The Road Warrior, Mad Max II

Lord Humungous. 3x winner of Mr. Post Apocalyptic Australia. Give me your oil or I will wear less!

You need an unconventional hero.

Me: “hey Kid, Lord Humungous and his gang are going to breakdown our walls and take our gas.  After they beat us in body building and mohawk championships they are going to violate our women and kill our men.”

Feral Boy from the Road Warrior.

Rah! Grrrrrrr! Arf Arf Arf

Me:…… “What the fuck did you say.”

Me: “Where the hell did he go?”

Master Blaster: “He went into one of his tunnels, probably trying to get to barter town.”

Gyrocopter Guy: “Shut up Master Blaster, you aren’t even in this movie.”

Me: “Thanks Gryo Guy. Now you shut up too”

Feral Kid:

Feral Kid from the Road Warrior Laughing

"raar, rar, ahh ahhh farp zzzrp"

Me: Damn kid, you laugh really weird.  Did I catch a Zzzerp in there?

Kid: (does a backflip)

Me: …….

Lord Humungous: ” I am here for all of your leather and metal clasps”

Guy from Commando:

Vernon Wells in the Road Warrior

Wait I am in Commando? Awesome! The breeze up here on this oil rig sure cools my ass less chaps!

=

Vernon Wells in Commando

I'm gonna shoot you between the balls, but after I finish shitting my ass less chaps. I don't wear those in this movie? Weak.

“Lord Humungous, me and my kid or gay lover, depends on what Wikipedia writer is on that day, are going to steal their gas, how about that idea?”

Lord Humungous and Vernon Wells the Road Warrior

Lord Humungous "Ohh Really? You're in charge? Well now your just tied up". Vernon Wells: "You could at least say something cool like, let off steam or something..."

Me: “Shit we are surrounded”

Gyro Guy: “We need somebody who can slip outside undetected and then throw a boomerang multiple times before hitting something and be really lucky that nobody tries to catch, kill, shoot, trap, murder him…”

Me: “Gryo Guy, shut the fuck up, your teeth are gross… I am trying to think, I can’t think with those grossies in my grille… We need somebody who can slip outside undetected and then throw a boomerang multiple times before hitting something and be really lucky that nobody tries to catch, kill, shoot, trap, murder him…”

Me: “But who is our man”

Feral Boy: “grawlop”

Me: “Can you throw in a backflip for good measure?”

Feral Boy from the Road Warrior

THIS IS MY BACKFLIP FACE!

Me: Damn and some fingertips!?!

AWESOME SONG OF THE DAY

THEY MIGHT BE GIANTS

FINGERTIPS (see what I did there?)

NAMES AWESOMENESS: NAMES NICHOLAS CAGE HAS USED IN MOVIES!

Posted in Awesome, awesome song of the day, awesomness, blog, comedy, Humor, Movies, Stuff with tags , , , , , on February 28, 2012 by tsanda

You may want to put on an adult diaper before you start reading this list.  About 100% guaranteed to make you either piss, shit or cream your pants.  Either way you will need some fresh leggings.

Balthazar Blake

Damon Macready

Benjamin Franklin Gates

Joe

Fu Manchu

Johnny Blaze

Yuri Orlov

Acid Yellow

Captain Antonio Corelli

Memphis Raines

Rick Santoro

Seth

Castor Troy

Sean Archer

Cameron Poe

Dr. Stanley Goodspeed

Little Junior Brown

Sailor Ripley

H.I McDunnough

Al Columbato

Fucking Seriously? There are people out there who don’t fucking like Nick Cage? Those names are National Treasures.  Pun totally intended, (bull whip noise) I have no idea how Caster Troy isn’t the number one baby name, boys and girls, every year running.  I nicknamed my dangus Dr. Stanley Goodspeed.  I like to tell girls that it’s more of a chemical superfreak.

The Homeless Sorcerer. Magnificent bastard pulls it off.

Dear Mom, Dear Dad.  Why is my name not Memphis Raines! Or Karl Malone! I would take either! Maybe somebody in my city counsel will read this and just do me a solid and change my name to Memphis Karl Malone Raines II JR Dr. Goodspeed Bees.

There really isn’t even anymore that is needed.  Just look at that list.  If Delroy Lindo was here talking about his best darn friend in the world, he would just simply say,”A brothers love, is a brothers love.”  That’s exactly how I feel about Nick Cage names.

AWESOME SONG OF THE DAY

RICHARD MARX

RIGHT HERE WAITING

 

MOVIE AWESOMENESS: ABRAHAM LINCOLN: VAMPIRE HUNTER!

Posted in Awesome, awesome song of the day, awesomness, Dork, Humor, Monsters, Movies, Stupid with tags , , , , , , , on February 21, 2012 by tsanda

I saw a preview for this movie and I can say I am pretty excited.  I have really weird and specific fetishes.  Top Hats, Beards, Hatches…. Hatches?  I wrote hatches and then kept going.  Then I did a proofing read.  What! Yes, sometimes I go back and read things over.  I like to dust off the old write source 2000 and do some grammar.  I also don’t really like misspells that aren’t on purpose.  It shows people the vast array of the English dictionary I haven’t memorized, yet!  You don’t know the write source 2000?  Back in twenty aught aught that write source was mind blowing information.  It is kinda dated now with the nationalized removal of periods act of 2007 and the hyphen revolt of ’11.  But you can still find some word information in there.  I really enjoy when the word program gives me squiggly green lines under words and I can click to the option “ignore grammar” makes me feel like the master of the universe.  I tried to just write that on my college essays but always failed to invoke laughs.  I also failed to invoke passing.

That Pen is a rocket ship. Pen is. It's a dick joke. Ahhhhhhhh. Yes.

Write source 8000? Did a terminator come back in time to solve my grammar issues, with future grammar knowledge.  So that this blog never existed? Whoa. Blowing my noodle.  That isn’t a invitation to blow me.  But, if any robots from the future would like to? That would be another very specific fetish.

Hatchets.  You didn’t get that I was talking about hatchets? Do you even read this?  I honestly won’t blame you if you don’t…  So couple those fetishes with my enjoyment of dark movie theaters next to junior highs and I will be having a pretty good afternoon when that flick comes out.  I have no idea if it will be good or not.  I kinda lean towards no.  Everybody knows Abe Lincoln was afraid of the dark.  How the hell could he go vampire hunting if he always needs a night light on.  The real movie should be Einstein Swamp Monster Assassin.  Swamp Monsters are notorious for hating relativity.  Einstein had a thing for it.  He also liked shotguns mounted on wheelbarrows.

You don’t know this weapon?! I invented it.  Its a wheelbarrow with shotguns attached to the handles.  You run at things, preferably Swamp Monsters, or Ted Nugents.  As you charge and battle cry, you pull the shotgun triggers and blow some brains on to floors.  As your prey is slumping over dead.  You catch the carcass in the wheel barrow and dump it off a cliff or into a volcano.  It is pretty much the most efficient form of murder.  Other than maybe the old acid in the refrigerator trick.  Melts em every time.

Whoa.  That wheelbarrow shotgun idea is pretty fucking awesome.  You do not have my permission to steal that shit. Or you will find me and Einstein outside your crib with 2 wheelbarrows, 4 shotguns and stomach full of peach schnaps.  Or Fish Oil if we just woke up. Gotta stay healthy.  Gotta keep that mind tight. We might get hungry maybe some freshly jerkyied swamp monster jerky.  You know, absord that schnaps.

Time for Visual Math.

So what if I keep my shotguns on the floor? I like to show the rats what the fuck is up.

+ (addition symbol)

The Pink Taco. Einstein's trusty murder barrow.

+

You say kid in a costume. I say about to murdered monster. Hope he likes dying.

Great fucking post tonight Kid!.  I like to give myself Boston Accented positive self talk.  I close my eyes and imagine I am writing this post in either Good Will Hunting, Gone Baby Gone or The Town. I also like to put periods after exclamation points.  It lets the reader know that the excitement is over….For Now.

 

What tunes for today!?

AWESOME SONG OF THE DAY

ARCADE FIRE – MODERN MAN

dang.

MOVIE AWESOMENESS: PET SEMATARY!

Posted in Awesome, awesome song of the day, awesomness, Children, Dork, Humor, Movies with tags , , , , , on February 9, 2012 by tsanda

Wow, Steve King is a worse speller than I am.  Sematary? That reminds me too much of semen. And Tary’s.  Is that a place where semens goes to die?  I thought that was what socks and hookers are for.

I Giggle While I Kill You. Creepy Fucking Evil Dead Kid.

Now this isn’t a good movie. It has this creepy kid in it that runs around giggling in the background and kills people.  If I hear little kids giggling in the background it probably means that I am violating numerous court orders…. BAM BOOM.  That joke is gold plated.  Solid B+ joke. Signed sealed and delivered.  I love how the post office advertises that they hate trees and you should to because there is nothing like the smell of opening that bill from Direct TV or the taste of that circular.  If you were going to, eat it or something.  The last time I mailed anything they found the package in some USPS store room in Atlanta.  They had decency to send me a letter staying they can look for the contents if I would like them too.  Well seeing it was filled with highly sensitive and private work documents and that would cost me nothing and about 5 seconds. No thanks box checked and then thrown away.  Although I did send this to them.

Hehehehehehe hehehehehe (giggle noises) Shivers.

So, Pet Sematary is about this place where people go to bury their dead animals and they come back to life.  It is apparently magical because non-white people either built it or own it or are it.  Non-white people are always so magical, us non-magical whites are killing me.  Just once I want to make somebody’s golf game better or remove bees from their soul.

I will try to remove bees from your soul for free.  I can’t guarantee my results, the getting the bees in there part is always a bit sticky.  Well no, thats the honey that is sticky.  The getting the bees in your heart part is bloody.  Bloody, that’s the word I was looking for.  Right there the whole time. Tip of my tongue.

I just like the idea that there is a place you can take something you once loved and make it come back to life.  Like a Food Sematary.  You eat this wonderful arbyQ and then it’s gone. Your life is over.  But maybe you could shit that burrito into the Food Sematary Toilet and it comes back to life and waits to be eaten all over again.  Wonderful Steve King cycle of life.  I mean it will suck that your burrito is going to come back evil and stab your face off with a knife and giggle all over your house.  But if you can catch it again before it slices your throat, out of rabid magical Native American reincarnation evil, it will be totally worth it.

Close your eyes and picture this evil baby as an evil burrito. With a knife and blonde hair.

AWESOME SONG OF THE DAY

Time to worship the Devil. (google it)

KANYE JAY Z WATCH THE THRONE

NIGGAS IN PARIS

if you have seizures.  sorry.

Best song of 11′ Just got Bester.