MOVIE AWESOMENESS: JASON STATHAM IN SAFE!

Jason Statham is really fucking good and protecting and transporting things, people, briefcases, etc.  You are really excited to see Safe, a new action thriller coming out soon.  But crud!  There are a lot of movies out these days and you can’t get to them all.  I mean we are all probably chomping at the bit to see some Johnny Depp movie about an ancient vampire who is blown away by TV’s and Mcdonalds….right…? This is just vampire Harry and the Hendersons… and that my friend is a masterpiece.  It’s only down hill when you don’t have John Lithgow involved.

Lithgow here. I just added this picture because that's how I hope John Lithgow answers the phone.

So I will do you a huge solid and give you a run down of the movie.  I had to save my own time so I haven’t watched it either.  But I am willing to bet 3 cases of rootbeer milk that I am pretty darn close.

If the movie poster is any indication this movie is gonna be good.

Find your own kid napping victim. She is mine.

Jason Statham plays Uzi Sanchez.  A down on his luck Mexican Boxer.  He has been homeless since his last big beat and also got kicked off the force for not being corrupt.

He devises a perfect scheme.  Kidnap a little asian girl who is good with numbers to help him win scratch tickets.  So he can then win the money to enter a kickboxing competition to save his blind half brother from an Australian hit squad.

The homeless years: I hope they edit out the scene where I eat sausages from a dumpster.

They don’t that scene is gritty and real.

Hey Buddy, I've told you once I've told you twice, stop giving hand jobs in our dumpster!

Okay, so for the first half of the movie Uzi is hooked on smack and can’t stop trying to give hand jobs for the money.  It’s then he sees his salvation.  The math kid.

HEY KID!!! AHHHHH!!!! CAN YOU COUNT TO 7 11 OR 21?????!!!!!!??!?!?!

Uzi’s weakness is for 7 11 21, a scratcher, that is a real head scratcher.  You have to add 3 numbers and if they are 7 11 or 21 you win! But those are the 3 hardest numbers to add up to in the English Dictionary.  Many a sad afternoon you could find Uzi crying while looking at a ticket trying to count on his fingers.  Most of which he lost in a man vs chicken fighting ring in lower manhattan.

Shit. It's daytime. I probably should have done this a little more secretively.

As you can imagine they pretty much run around in circles and many times he yells at her.  “Don’t worry, I wont let you go home to your parents until you win me the $5,0000 grab prize.”

Then a miracle.

A Winner.

7+3+1.  He steals some kids Nokia plays some snake. Then adds the numbers. 11. Holy shit. I did it.

Hey mister, did you save enough after buying that suit to save your brother?....shit.

He then holds this pose and the gun at the girl for the final 23 minutes of the movie while a God Speed You Black Emperor song plays in its entirety in the background.

Screen goes black.  You hear a gunshot.  Did he kill her… or himself?  Maybe one of the thousand cops following up on the Amber Alert shot him…  One of those great movie mysteries that will be talked about for years to come.  Maybe it was all a dream?

Credits role. Written, Directed, Starred, Produced, Edited, Shot and Catered by Jason Statham.  That guy can do it all.

The End….Or is it?/ To Be Continued / Maybe … Shrug.

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AWESOME SONG OF THE DAY

Gladys Knight and the Pips

Midnight Train to Georgia

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TV SHOW AWESOMENESS: AWAKE!

Again something I’ve never seen before.  I enjoy talking about stuff I know nothing about other than my immediate preconceptions. I find things are usually neater in my brain than in real life. Like how Wrath of the Titans has fucking nothing to do with Remember the Titans.  I was expecting a violently inspirational equal rights story.  Instead all we  get is Sam Waterston flying a horse.  What? Worthington? Damnit.  I thought he was stuck on a ledge.

Awake, according to a TV guide sentence I skimmed, is about a guy who gets in a car crash and either his son dies or his wife dies depending on whether or not he is dreaming and which dream/reality he is in.  That is a great idea.  However, that guy has the most depressing and boring dreams ever.  I’d have to decide between a world where I ride falcor to fight predators with John Spartan and Simon Phoenix.

John Spartan knitting me a red sleeveless kimono.

Addition Sign

Simon Phoenix is such a good name Nick Cage is fucking furious he was not in this movie.

Plus

Little Known Fact: Falcor was fired from the Rock-afire Explosion for railing to much coke.

=

Murdered Predator. I don't take spines and skulls though. I collect stamps.

It’s better than my alternate dreamality.

Shivers.

+

Damnit, I thought you were sleeping

Now my shrink has to figure out what is wrong with me.  Good Luck Billy Crystal.

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AWESOME SONG OF THE DAY

Rock-afire explosion Covering Usher and Young Jeezy

Love in this Club

 

 

TRANSPORTATION AWESOMENESS: GETTING CARRIED!

The best way to get around? Definitely getting carried; behind teleportation pods from the Fly (minus the Fly of course….Silly Goldblum), spaceships, segway, golf carts, mario karts, and the occasional Sasquatch ride that is. Contrary to popular beef jerky ads Sasquatches are quite the gentle giants.  Nobody likes to be joshed around by strangers while you’re trying to catch some creek side zzzzzzz’s.

It begs the question. Is there a wrong way to get carried?

Bob Hope’s ghost – “No it doesn’t”

Balky – “Bob Hope’s Ghost that is a stretch, even for you…”

I’d be honored to be haunted by Bob Hope’s ghost.

Bob Hope’s Ghost – “thanks, although I didn’t tell you that I am a very rapey ghost.”

So I stumbled upon some news today that Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is getting remade.  By Michael Bay.  He keeps remaking old stuff from my youth and trying to murder it.  Next he is going to remake classics like The Rock and Armageddon.  We will have to do a Terminator style thing where we send young awesome Michael Bay to stop old insanity Michael Bay from making movies.  Or at least add a little Aerosmith here and there.

In my TMNT readings I remembered Krang.  Who is a giant brain that uses a giant human exoskeleton suit to get carried around.

Krang's face looks like that because his exoskeleton is shitting, and that thing only drinks Pabst and eats Cool Ranch Doritos.

That to me is a terrible location for Krang.  Why not just be the head.  As previously retorted you are right by that giant suits dangus and buttle.  All day its just shitting and pissing and it splashes on your brain matter and that stuff is hard to clean out of brain matter. I could just walk up like I am going to say Hi Krang and just punch Krang in the face. I’ll probably get torn in half soon there after, cause I hit like a 12 year old girl, but I’d get that one good shot it.  Probably not the best scenario for a evil mastermind to be easily punchable.

Better ways?

Master Blaster.

Master Blaster's only weakness? Titty Twisters.

Little guy up there all protected laughing at all the Mel Gibson’s he makes clean up shit. Perfect.

What about Chewbacca?

Who keeps Signing My Blog?

Chewy has the right idea too.  C3PO is all tucked away and safe from danger.  Chewy kills the bad guys and PO gets to gently nap against Chewbacca’s hide. Now, I am not that into hunting or animal furs but if I could wear a chubacca fur around town.  I totally would.  It means I am fashionable, socialite and able to kill Chewbaccas.

The best?

They tried this with Louis Gossett Jr. but Richard Gere couldn't hold him up.

Getting carried out of your job and staring Gently into Richard Gere’s eyes. Takes the cake.

I guess staring into Chewy’s eyes would be pretty okay too.

That was a long one… Who wants some music?

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Awesome Song of The Day

Sin Fan

Slow Lights