Archive for the Monsters Category

MARS ROVER AWESOMENESS: ALIEN WW3!

Posted in Aliens, Awesome, awesome song of the day, awesomness, Bill Nye, Monsters, Science, Space with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on November 26, 2012 by tsanda

I am really damn excited for the Mars Rover.  You bet your ass I am topical as hell! Current events, son!

 

Mars Rover

That Rover has Space Dementia!

Nobody talks about the 80 trillion dollar Robocop we put on Mars to take this photograph.

We, yes we, the North Americans minus Polar Bears and Canada dropped a fucking RC Racer onto the Mars and are currently exploring the shit out of it.  Finding monsters and aliens and Spocks all damn day.

Bill Nye: Nearly none of that is true. Ass.

Me: Hey! Bill. Shut up.  Well after you tell me which part I am right about….

Bill Nye: Polar Bears and Canada didn’t help.

Me: Duh. Polar Bears are dumb as hell and Canada is poor. USA! USA! USA!

Bill Nye: Jeez. No Monsters or Aliens or singular Spock either. It just rolls around at 2″ per second and cores the soil and takes measurements.

Me: Ugh. Boring. 2″ a second?  It would take that hoss all of 6 seconds to measure my….

Bill: Gross.

Me: You cut me off.  Dick.

Bill: Yea, we got that.

Me: USA USA USA!

Bill: ….

Don’t worry.  Mr. Nye left.  Sometimes he can’t handle talking science with me.  Like when I beat NAS in rap battles. Which are usually about Bill Nye wearing tie dye while drinking a mai tai.

NAS: …… ( silence just like the end of 8 Mile )

I like explaining written jokes.  Means they are good.

The only really cool thing that is going to come from the Mars Rover is now Aliens on other planets can see we are getting pretty cool over here on Earth and it is time to blow us up.  Which I mean is really all anybody can ask for in this life.

MUSIC!

AWESOME SONG OF THE DAY

MOTORAMA

GHOST (Acoustic)

Easily my current favorite band.  Mind blowing.

Have a lovely Thanksgiving next year.  Like to get it out of the way early.

Bye!

MONSTER AWESOMENESS: LAZY MONSTERS!

Posted in Awesome, awesome song of the day, awesomness, blog, comedy, Humor, Monsters with tags , , , , , , , , , , on May 7, 2012 by tsanda

I was going to write a post about doing the limbo until I realized that is a terrible idea. However, I was going to write however and then put a comma after it so I successfully got that off my bucket list.  The hula is a crazy ass game though.  Somebody saw something and was like I wonder how low I can put that and still walk under it and it lasted eternity.  But somehow lawn darts and lawn axe throwing didn’t stand the test of time.  Kids need to be tougher.  Less limbo, more getting stabbed.

Although when I was searching for pictures of the limbo somehow this gem came up.  No, I still have no idea how google images works.

Zombie, Blog, Humor, Awesome, Walking Dead, AMC

Hey, you human. Come here. I want to bite you. But I need you to put your hand in my mouth. Then close it for me hard enough where it punctures your skin.  Then I need you to get some of my saliva into it.  You did all that?  Good you’re a zombie.  Damnit! I need to stop following instructions so well.

Walking Dead is a pretty sweet show.  Zombies and Drama. Zrama.  This zombie always cracks me up.  Just lying there making noises and gently reaching out for some human to accident fall into its teeth.  I realize it didn’t have legs but thats no excuse! Wheelchair zombies! Time to overcome some diversity.  Overcome adversity?  That doesn’t make any sense.

Humans are lazy.  Most monsters were once humans.  So there has to be some other lazy ass monsters.  Like a Werewolf that is fat as hell and just sits on his porch rocking in a rocking chair with a shotgun.  Then when kids skateboard by, he shoots them.  Then goes to bed and complains to the wife how obnoxious the youth is these days.  She then tells him, that she has told him once she has told him a million times, they cannot have sex when he is a werewolf.  Life just isn’t fair for a lycan.

Or a Lochness monster that drowns because they get sick of all that swimming.

I wonder how somebody becomes one of those things?  Vampire Bite = Transformation, Werewolf Bite = Transformation, Zombie Bite = Transformation… Lochness Monster bukkake = Transformation.  Gross, I have just decided to not go to any place other then the US.  I am trying to avoid Lochness bukkake. Weird, I thought a monster Bukkake would come from a Asian country.  Just goes to show that you cannot stereotype.

This song literally came out 3 hours ago according to the internets. Song is exploding my brains.  Are they legit rappers? Comedians? Just cool fucking dudes?  Lazy Werewolves? I hope all.

Childish Gambino Ft Flynt Flossy & Yung Humma

Literally the best song ever.

 

 

MAPS AWESOMENESS: SEA MONSTER MAPS!

Posted in Awesome, awesome song of the day, awesomness, blog, comedy, Humor, Monsters, Stuff, Stupid, What the Fuck? with tags , , , , , , , , , , on April 9, 2012 by tsanda

Why doesn’t my Garmin have a monsters setting to show you where not to go?  Last week I drove my honey right into a giant spider pit and then on the way home we were beaten up by chupacabras. It was a real big date buzz kill when your lady gets eaten by something… and it wasn’t me…. Yup. Gold.

Garmin “Turn left ahead to avoid swamp things…”

Now that is helpful information.  Although I never update the thing so I would be jazzed for my Jamba Juice but I would end up:

Hieronymus Bosch the Last Judgement

Bad move monster. I may be brunch. But I got one last shit off in your mouth.

That is an actual poster you can buy from posters.com.  I am no Fung Shui master but this must be part of the calming aura for babies rooms.

Map making apparently used to be a fucking amazing profession.  All you do was randomly place monsters everywhere.  If you were not a map maker or ocean adventurer you would literally think the ocean was just a big pile of monsters.  It would be just like under my bed.

Munster, Sea Monsters Map

That's like a 25:1 Seamonsters to ship ratio! I like those odds for entertainment.

Monster N: Middle right is my favorite.  That monster just plays lobsters.  The other giant lobster gets mad so he tries to play a human.  Silly lobster you can’t play a human, we are too fleshy you just cut us in half.

Red Duck! Lookout!

How could you ever entice anybody in Scandinavia to become a seafarer?

Carta Marina, Sea Monsters Map

Sorry topographical, you are no longer my favorite type of map.

No wonder the world always thinks vikings were such bad asses.  They had to kill like 200 sea monsters just to come rape and pillage your ancestors village.  Your? Not mine? Well I am from swedish decent which I am pretty sure means I was just from a long line of love slaves to vikings.

NO MORE WORDS TODAY!

Awesome Song of the Day

Snowden

Anti Anti

Remember how I used to number the awesome song of the day?  What happened you say? Addition happened.

MY PALM READING EXPERIENCE: I AM GOING TO DIE!

Posted in Awesome, awesome song of the day, awesomness, Bugs, Humor, Monsters, Stuff, Stupid with tags , , , , , , , , , on March 19, 2012 by tsanda

Whoa, talk about downer.  I thought it was going to be a little more elaborate.  She laid her one eye on me.  No, she wasn’t missing an eye like a psychic should.  Eye patch and all.  She was a cyclops.

Cyclops

I will eat you!... that's not much of a future reading....

Why are cyclopes always so ugly?

Scott Summers, Cyclops, X-men

Ahhh Much Better.

I walk into this palm reading place.  The psychic asks me to remove my hulk hands before we start.  Something about not being able to read through them.  Whatever lady, its hulk hands or nothing.  Then I smash them together and inform her as politely as the giant foam hands can.  “Hulk Smash”.  She finally convinces me to remove the hulk hands.  She tells me to wash the ketchup and mustards from my finger tips.  It is grossing her out.  Can’t blame a guy for loving 2 for 2 hotdogs at 7-11.

She then just says.  You’re going to die.  I ask her how she knows that.  She shows me my palms and my palm lines spell out in plain english. “Your going to die”  I knew it was my future because they misspelled you’re.  Whoa.  I guess I just figured it was a coincidence all these years.  I wink at her and told her that hairy palm shit is a fucking myth.  Then try to give her a high five and she refuses.  Bitch.

I ask her how it happens.  She said that the future is hazy about the actual death mode.  But it’s either.  1. Sleeping.  Hell no. Boring. 2. Skiing off a cliff.  Pretty fucking cool, as long as at the bottom of the cliff I crash through a ski lodge and land in the cozy fire.  Right after some guy says. “This needs another log.” The only problem I don’t ski. 3. Helicopter crash into a shark infested volcano! I’ll take it.

Can somebody please take my body and explode it if I do die in my sleep.  I gotta go out like I live.  Exploding.

What.

End!

AWESOME SONG OF THE DAY

VAN SHE

SEX CITY

Yes this is also Vanished by Crystal Castles.  But Crystal Castles, who got beat jacked by Timbaland also beat jacked these guys.  Sooo I don’t really feel bad for CC.

 

COMMUNITY SERVICE AWESOMENESS: STEALING THE RONALD MCDONALD STATUTE!

Posted in Awesome, awesome song of the day, awesomness, blog, comedy, Dork, Fuck Clowns., Humor, Monsters with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , on March 14, 2012 by tsanda

The Denver Ronald McDonald House had it’s Ronald McDonald statue stolen a while back.  People were all up in arms about this.

Some Local Lady “How can you steal from the Ronald McDonald House?”

Some Local Protestor “This is terrible, what has the world come to? The Ronald McDonald House?!”

Charles Barkley “Pizza, Burgers, Wings, Meatballs, Ribs, Steak, Meatballs…”

Charles, I’ve told you more than once get out of here with all that meatball talk.  What about hoagies? Charles: Well I didn’t say hoagies now did I? … No, I guess not.

Some Other Lady “The statue costs $3,500 but the memories are priceless.”

Memories?

The memories are priceless? I think this lady is getting memories and debilitating nightmares mixed up again.

Look at this fucking scary ass thing.

Ronald Mcdonald House Statue Denver

If you look closely under it's eyes, it appears to be crying black satan blood.

You want this hanging around like a creepy evil pedophile?  Kids are supposed to come here for hope and not leave with a psychotic breakdown?  As you can tell I absolutely hate clowns.  IT ruined it all for me (you’re welcome for the link).  It makes you wonder though… Whatever happened to that thing.  I never heard any conclusion  to that story.

I assume that Ronald McDonald ate those people.

Or he is just sitting in somebody’s basement.

I already told you I don’t know the conclusion.  I am really hoping it’s the later because with a missing Ron McD statue roaming around Denver everything time I hear something outside I instantly think its Ronald trying to kill me.

It really puts a damper on trying to do sex with a lady when you have to ask her to check under the bed for Ronald McDonalds.  Hey sweet cheeks, you can think I’m a nancy boy all you want… but I don’t want to be eaten by Ronald McDonald.  I call it common sense. Now lets do that sex I paid for.

Nice.

AWESOME SONG OF THE DAY

brandUN Deshay

A Beating Cuff Link

MOVIE AWESOMENESS: ABRAHAM LINCOLN: VAMPIRE HUNTER!

Posted in Awesome, awesome song of the day, awesomness, Dork, Humor, Monsters, Movies, Stupid with tags , , , , , , , on February 21, 2012 by tsanda

I saw a preview for this movie and I can say I am pretty excited.  I have really weird and specific fetishes.  Top Hats, Beards, Hatches…. Hatches?  I wrote hatches and then kept going.  Then I did a proofing read.  What! Yes, sometimes I go back and read things over.  I like to dust off the old write source 2000 and do some grammar.  I also don’t really like misspells that aren’t on purpose.  It shows people the vast array of the English dictionary I haven’t memorized, yet!  You don’t know the write source 2000?  Back in twenty aught aught that write source was mind blowing information.  It is kinda dated now with the nationalized removal of periods act of 2007 and the hyphen revolt of ’11.  But you can still find some word information in there.  I really enjoy when the word program gives me squiggly green lines under words and I can click to the option “ignore grammar” makes me feel like the master of the universe.  I tried to just write that on my college essays but always failed to invoke laughs.  I also failed to invoke passing.

That Pen is a rocket ship. Pen is. It's a dick joke. Ahhhhhhhh. Yes.

Write source 8000? Did a terminator come back in time to solve my grammar issues, with future grammar knowledge.  So that this blog never existed? Whoa. Blowing my noodle.  That isn’t a invitation to blow me.  But, if any robots from the future would like to? That would be another very specific fetish.

Hatchets.  You didn’t get that I was talking about hatchets? Do you even read this?  I honestly won’t blame you if you don’t…  So couple those fetishes with my enjoyment of dark movie theaters next to junior highs and I will be having a pretty good afternoon when that flick comes out.  I have no idea if it will be good or not.  I kinda lean towards no.  Everybody knows Abe Lincoln was afraid of the dark.  How the hell could he go vampire hunting if he always needs a night light on.  The real movie should be Einstein Swamp Monster Assassin.  Swamp Monsters are notorious for hating relativity.  Einstein had a thing for it.  He also liked shotguns mounted on wheelbarrows.

You don’t know this weapon?! I invented it.  Its a wheelbarrow with shotguns attached to the handles.  You run at things, preferably Swamp Monsters, or Ted Nugents.  As you charge and battle cry, you pull the shotgun triggers and blow some brains on to floors.  As your prey is slumping over dead.  You catch the carcass in the wheel barrow and dump it off a cliff or into a volcano.  It is pretty much the most efficient form of murder.  Other than maybe the old acid in the refrigerator trick.  Melts em every time.

Whoa.  That wheelbarrow shotgun idea is pretty fucking awesome.  You do not have my permission to steal that shit. Or you will find me and Einstein outside your crib with 2 wheelbarrows, 4 shotguns and stomach full of peach schnaps.  Or Fish Oil if we just woke up. Gotta stay healthy.  Gotta keep that mind tight. We might get hungry maybe some freshly jerkyied swamp monster jerky.  You know, absord that schnaps.

Time for Visual Math.

So what if I keep my shotguns on the floor? I like to show the rats what the fuck is up.

+ (addition symbol)

The Pink Taco. Einstein's trusty murder barrow.

+

You say kid in a costume. I say about to murdered monster. Hope he likes dying.

Great fucking post tonight Kid!.  I like to give myself Boston Accented positive self talk.  I close my eyes and imagine I am writing this post in either Good Will Hunting, Gone Baby Gone or The Town. I also like to put periods after exclamation points.  It lets the reader know that the excitement is over….For Now.

 

What tunes for today!?

AWESOME SONG OF THE DAY

ARCADE FIRE – MODERN MAN

dang.

MONSTER AWESOMENESS: BIGFOOT (aka Sasquatch!) DISCOVERED….AGAIN!

Posted in Awesome, awesome song of the day, awesomness, blog, Dork, Humor, Monsters, News with tags , , , , , on June 21, 2010 by tsanda

I have always wondered what I am going to do when I encounter Bigfoot in the hallways of my office or just outside of my cubicle.  It will be scary. I will be scared, my pants will be full and smell bad.  That is as far as I have figured out. Past the point of shitting myself I am pretty much at a loss of what I would do.

Luckily a South Carolina man has taught me exactly what to say.  Luckily it is short and has a lot of southern accent in it.

http://edition.cnn.com/2010/HEALTH/06/21/bigfoot.psychology.monsters

You only need the second paragraph.

“GIT!”

Ohhh man, it would be so priceless to have seen bigfoot’s reaction to that.

Dude – probably in coveralls with a piece of straw in is mouth.  I am thinking no shoes? Or shoes that are missing the toes? No, not sandals for everybody not from the south, something like this.

Worn out shoes

Next hipster trend... guaranteed.

This guy sees a bigfoot or maybe bigfeets, harassing his dogs.  I assume they were pulling their tales and petting them against the direction of their fur. Ohhh boy do dogs hate that shit!  You know what dogs hate more than that shit! BIGFOOT! If dogs could yell holy crap its bigfoot I am outta here… they would.  But they can’t so stop fucking day dreaming

He grabs his shotgun? Nope.  Big rock? Nope, Bazooka? Nah.  He classically yells “GIT!”

That’s what I yell at racoons who eat my garbage.  Or those pesky teenagers who are up to no good down the street.  Druggy mother fuckers.

You don’t yell Git at a classic mythical (or is it?) creature who is fucking with your dogs.  You record that shit and send it to America’s Funniest Home Videos! 10 G’s Son!

Bigfoot totally just flipped that guy off and ate his dogs. Then sat and chilled with Ronald McDonald.  Had a McRib, cause the dogs didn’t fill him up.

Hey, BIGFOOT! Leave Ronald Alone..... GIT!

So much happiness this southern belle has brought me today

Im out.

……

Awesome Song of The Day #122

OLD CROW MEDICINE SHOW

WAGON WHEEL

….