MARS ROVER AWESOMENESS: ALIEN WW3!

I am really damn excited for the Mars Rover.  You bet your ass I am topical as hell! Current events, son!

 

That Rover has Space Dementia!

Nobody talks about the 80 trillion dollar Robocop we put on Mars to take this photograph.

We, yes we, the North Americans minus Polar Bears and Canada dropped a fucking RC Racer onto the Mars and are currently exploring the shit out of it.  Finding monsters and aliens and Spocks all damn day.

Bill Nye: Nearly none of that is true. Ass.

Me: Hey! Bill. Shut up.  Well after you tell me which part I am right about….

Bill Nye: Polar Bears and Canada didn’t help.

Me: Duh. Polar Bears are dumb as hell and Canada is poor. USA! USA! USA!

Bill Nye: Jeez. No Monsters or Aliens or singular Spock either. It just rolls around at 2″ per second and cores the soil and takes measurements.

Me: Ugh. Boring. 2″ a second?  It would take that hoss all of 6 seconds to measure my….

Bill: Gross.

Me: You cut me off.  Dick.

Bill: Yea, we got that.

Me: USA USA USA!

Bill: ….

Don’t worry.  Mr. Nye left.  Sometimes he can’t handle talking science with me.  Like when I beat NAS in rap battles. Which are usually about Bill Nye wearing tie dye while drinking a mai tai.

NAS: …… ( silence just like the end of 8 Mile )

I like explaining written jokes.  Means they are good.

The only really cool thing that is going to come from the Mars Rover is now Aliens on other planets can see we are getting pretty cool over here on Earth and it is time to blow us up.  Which I mean is really all anybody can ask for in this life.

MUSIC!

AWESOME SONG OF THE DAY

MOTORAMA

GHOST (Acoustic)

Easily my current favorite band.  Mind blowing.

Have a lovely Thanksgiving next year.  Like to get it out of the way early.

Bye!

MONSTER AWESOMENESS: LAZY MONSTERS!

I was going to write a post about doing the limbo until I realized that is a terrible idea. However, I was going to write however and then put a comma after it so I successfully got that off my bucket list.  The hula is a crazy ass game though.  Somebody saw something and was like I wonder how low I can put that and still walk under it and it lasted eternity.  But somehow lawn darts and lawn axe throwing didn’t stand the test of time.  Kids need to be tougher.  Less limbo, more getting stabbed.

Although when I was searching for pictures of the limbo somehow this gem came up.  No, I still have no idea how google images works.

Hey, you human. Come here. I want to bite you. But I need you to put your hand in my mouth. Then close it for me hard enough where it punctures your skin.  Then I need you to get some of my saliva into it.  You did all that?  Good you’re a zombie.  Damnit! I need to stop following instructions so well.

Walking Dead is a pretty sweet show.  Zombies and Drama. Zrama.  This zombie always cracks me up.  Just lying there making noises and gently reaching out for some human to accident fall into its teeth.  I realize it didn’t have legs but thats no excuse! Wheelchair zombies! Time to overcome some diversity.  Overcome adversity?  That doesn’t make any sense.

Humans are lazy.  Most monsters were once humans.  So there has to be some other lazy ass monsters.  Like a Werewolf that is fat as hell and just sits on his porch rocking in a rocking chair with a shotgun.  Then when kids skateboard by, he shoots them.  Then goes to bed and complains to the wife how obnoxious the youth is these days.  She then tells him, that she has told him once she has told him a million times, they cannot have sex when he is a werewolf.  Life just isn’t fair for a lycan.

Or a Lochness monster that drowns because they get sick of all that swimming.

I wonder how somebody becomes one of those things?  Vampire Bite = Transformation, Werewolf Bite = Transformation, Zombie Bite = Transformation… Lochness Monster bukkake = Transformation.  Gross, I have just decided to not go to any place other then the US.  I am trying to avoid Lochness bukkake. Weird, I thought a monster Bukkake would come from a Asian country.  Just goes to show that you cannot stereotype.

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This song literally came out 3 hours ago according to the internets. Song is exploding my brains.  Are they legit rappers? Comedians? Just cool fucking dudes?  Lazy Werewolves? I hope all.

Childish Gambino Ft Flynt Flossy & Yung Humma

Literally the best song ever.

 

 

MAPS AWESOMENESS: SEA MONSTER MAPS!

Why doesn’t my Garmin have a monsters setting to show you where not to go?  Last week I drove my honey right into a giant spider pit and then on the way home we were beaten up by chupacabras. It was a real big date buzz kill when your lady gets eaten by something… and it wasn’t me…. Yup. Gold.

Garmin “Turn left ahead to avoid swamp things…”

Now that is helpful information.  Although I never update the thing so I would be jazzed for my Jamba Juice but I would end up:

Bad move monster. I may be brunch. But I got one last shit off in your mouth.

That is an actual poster you can buy from posters.com.  I am no Fung Shui master but this must be part of the calming aura for babies rooms.

Map making apparently used to be a fucking amazing profession.  All you do was randomly place monsters everywhere.  If you were not a map maker or ocean adventurer you would literally think the ocean was just a big pile of monsters.  It would be just like under my bed.

That's like a 25:1 Seamonsters to ship ratio! I like those odds for entertainment.

Monster N: Middle right is my favorite.  That monster just plays lobsters.  The other giant lobster gets mad so he tries to play a human.  Silly lobster you can’t play a human, we are too fleshy you just cut us in half.

Red Duck! Lookout!

How could you ever entice anybody in Scandinavia to become a seafarer?

Sorry topographical, you are no longer my favorite type of map.

No wonder the world always thinks vikings were such bad asses.  They had to kill like 200 sea monsters just to come rape and pillage your ancestors village.  Your? Not mine? Well I am from swedish decent which I am pretty sure means I was just from a long line of love slaves to vikings.

NO MORE WORDS TODAY!

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Awesome Song of the Day

Snowden

Anti Anti

Remember how I used to number the awesome song of the day?  What happened you say? Addition happened.