GENTLE HANDHOLDING AQUATIC TRANSPORTATION AWESOMENESS: PADDLE BOATS!

There is a saying that cleanliness is next to godliness.  Which is weird because Jesus was basically a hobo and if my local hobo pals are any indication they are as far from cleanliness as possible.  I would argue that cleanliness is not next to godliness.  Paddle boats are.  What did the son of god do that was really neato? Turn water into wine? No, wine is gross. Fish and bread for the masses? No, Arby’s sells enough fish sandwiches to feed the world and nobody worships Arby’s (in public…)  Cast some demons into pigs?  I am pretty convinced that pigs are already demons so I am not so impressed with that one.  Walking on water? Yup. Bingo. That’s the one.  Ever get your socks wet and not have a dry pur to change into.  Isn’t that about the worst day ever? Jesus never got those sandals wet. How can we as lowly mortals,  (you highlanders out there, need not read further), obtain some level of godliness? You read it earlier.  Paddle boats!

Whoa, I think the America Pants might just win this photo.

Basically just walking on water.  But actually way better.  A gentle recline on water.  Stay dry? Check.  Enjoy a midsummers eve? Check.  Hold your best friends hand while gently traversing Lake Loveland and talking about space? Brings a little tear to your eye to think about how much gentle slow moving relaxation can be had on a paddle boat.  Ever had a huge argument with your significant other while paddle boating? Didn’t think so.  Even if they told you they were cheating on you with Tony Danza.  You wouldn’t even be a little angry.

A Highlander: I think you might be a little angry.

Me: Highlander, I thought I told you to stop reading this!

Highlander: Well the quickening hasn’t happened yet, so I needed something to kill some time.

Me: Jeez fine.  Why wouldn’t you be angry? 1. It is impossible to be mad while paddle boating.  It is the physical manifestation of chicken soup for the soul. 2. Who could be mad at Tony Danza? He’s way better than I am, I would be mad if you weren’t cheating on me with The Boss.

Hey man, I'm sorry I banged your girl. Are you kidding? That's awesome. You should have let me watch!

Midnight paddle boating! Have you ever paddle boated with the devil in the pale moon light? Talk about romantic. I proposed to some babe at night in a paddle boat.  I wrote Will You Marry Me? in rose pedals in the middle of a lake and paddled her out there.  Couldn’t really see it very well because it was night and those things apparently don’t have any headlights, also I guess water does this moving thing, so the next day there was just a jumble of pedals.  But she sure was impressed when I told her about it.

Make sure you don’t get hit by a boat though. Apparently a lightless, noiseless, small paddle boat is a fun target for a jet boat.  You have to play your cards right.  So that jet boat just cuts the paddleboat in half between the two riders. Great story.  Small scare. I just call it great fodder for the next paddle boat adventure.

If I could choose anybody to paddleboat with? My dog.

I can teach you to sit but I can't teach you to paddle? I'm sick of going in circles! Even this kid we found isn't helping.

Sigh.  I wish I was Paddle boating…

–

AWESOME SONG OF THE DAY!

PAT BENATAR

LOVE IS A BATTLEFIELD!

 

MUSIC AWESOMENESS: WHITNEY!

Whitney Houston died today.  I’m not really shaken up or anything.  I mean she was 48 and in crack head years that is like 174.  Can’t really say I am surprised.  I think I’d be more surprised if somebody told me Whitney Houston had gone to the moon or fought Apollo Creed.  But I will say one thing.  Try to watch the Bodyguard and not tear up a bit.  Also, you’re a fucking liar if you tell me you don’t jam to our awesome song of the day whenever you hear it come on the radio in your car.  I’ll admit it.  When this hits the speakers I put that to full volume and let my hair down.  Pubic Hair. I usually wear those up, looks better for fancy dinners.

AWESOME SONG OF THE DAY

WHITNEY HOUSTON – I WANNA DANCE WITH SOMEBODY

RIP Ms. Houston. You were a classic.

2010: A year that was. A story of life and death. A story of why I rule. Exclamation points. !!!!

The title was really an attention grabber wasn’t it?  You’re like how can this dumb fucking idiot really claim to rule when he didn’t really write words for months and only occasionally rubbed our balls with his prose occasionally for say… half of the fucking year.  You’re right.  Or your right, if it is in fact yours…which it might be.  But if it is can I borrow it?  I am usually wrong so some right would be sweet.  Like chocolate chip pancakes.

When was the last time you had chocolate chip pancakes? If your (or you’re) me the answer is right now.  It is a wonderful antioxidant.  Acai has nothing on flapjacks. mmmmmmmm.  Have you ever rubbed pancakes on your face because they are warm?  Clears acne, reduces stress, smells like pancakes, warms the loins, steals some kisses, messages your (you’re????) temples, lowers your age and reduces crows feet, smells like pancakes, stops 4 hour boners, silks your hair, wins the superbowl, flies a jet, ghost rides your whip and smells like pancakes.

Pancake face. I wish I could achieve my space inspired and pancaking dreams like pancake face.

I think it’s time for some music.

That song really makes me nod my head.

This year was crazy!  I don’t myself know what happened because I don’t in fact know how to read and hence, and hence! no news reading due to the hencing. So i just get news from barbers.

Barber news – my hair is brittle and reminds him of the hair on a horses nose. (what?!) Don’t know what that is?  I got your back.

Horses. Those are horses. What have you done for information without me?

Other sources of news.  Supposedly some black tar like oil substance spilled in the Gulf of Mexico.  Which is weird because although I had plenty of rhea this year, I never took any shits in the Gulf of Mexico. So I am not sure how much of that I believe.

I had a police officer tell me that I can’t make left turns at places that say no left turns.  I mean come on victimless crime! I had just bought dinner and was on my way home.  You can only make so many legal turns! I didn’t want my food to get cold.  Jeez cops just don’t understand.

Music?

Jail Weddings –

you’re gonna need some pancakes for the 4 hour boner that song will cause.  If you r a girl 2 questions…  Both of them revolve around your penis and the second is curious about your identity crisis.  That was poor use of the word “curious” on my part.

Tim Tebow saved the world apparently.  If you live in Colorado you would swear jesus just suited up and turned water into touchdowns and underwear ads.  I bet jesus has pretty solid abs.  I mean he’d have to right? With all those fist fights with the devil he’d need to be fit?  I think so.

Janet Jackson is still irrelevant

I didn’t win powerball.  How would you know?  I would own the New York Times and they would only run my blog and ziggy comics.

Nick Cage made 14 more movies.  Oliver Stone tried to convince me that money doesn’t sleep by putting me to sleep.

I failed again in my attempts to find a yeti.  I found a sasquatch but whatever. And the stupid bigfoot that lives next year won’t stop trying to convince me that he is actually a yeti.  Not buying it jerk so stop selling it!

Peanut Butter is still good. Katie Couric still won’t report on my daily lunches.  (popcorn and reeces pieces just in case she changes her mind today)

That pretty much covers it. Boring year for news.  We need to try harder next year.

Get Busy Committee –

Opening Ceremony

I just hit the lotto and bought me a camry.

…

So 2010 a year.  Just like the rest. 2011 same stuff different suffix. I bet you 1 thing though, 2011 will result in finding that damn yeti.  Baltimore, just a hunch. Or that is what the yeti wants me to think.  Fucking yeti went to yale.  Always 1 step ahead of me.

FOALS

Spanish Sahara

Have a great 2011.  I will.  Taco sandwiches.

Taco Sandwiches? Exactly what they sound like.

Later