I stole this photograph from my brother. Apparently this exists and I can’t quite wrap my head around it. Or Rap my head around it. Nothing cool rhymes with Rootbeer Milk. Glutesmear Rilk? Those aren’t even words!
A much better seller than the Old Fashioned Mr. Pibb milk.
I looked this up on the internet and apparently it is real. Apparently back in history people would mix rootbeer and milk. I’m a little unsure still whether or not this is real. Because it’s “old fashioned” not “olde fashionede” adding e’s to the ends of words that don’t neede it makes things seeme oldere and more authentice.
How did this occur? Rootbeer milk. Those two things together sounds like the devil’s poison.
I get carmel eggs and ice cream tacos. Those make perfect sense to me. Wheat grass marshmallows and Jamba Juice nachos? These things I would mix in a heartbeat.
First of all milk is stupid and root beer is like the 8th best soda. I have no idea how this happened. Could I bet behind some milk squirt? Other than the name sounds horribly sexual and 100% unappetizing. I’d try it.
Hell, I’d even go Milk + Crystal Pepsi.
Quite frankly I’d be more psyched for turd water.
I’m going to calm my nerves with a sweet glass of Maple Syrup Ginger Ale. That would probably be the most canadian thing since, Canada.
First and foremost. Go see Cabin in the Woods. It is amazing. I won’t tell you anything else. You just have to go see it. Then see it immediately again.
Know what I looked like after seeing it?
I am nice dresser when I go to the cinema.
I like food. I post about it often. Food makes our bodies work. It make us poop and fart and those things are half my material. It tastes great. It is awesome to have somebody drive my food to my house so I don’t have to stop watching the Real Housewives or Colombo. It fuels my muscles so I can tear apart phone books at will or do a circuit of shirtless jumping jacks for the babes at the park.
Sigh.
It is usually really restrictive though. Like I order a pizza and they never just stop at chipotle and dairy queen for me on the way. A man doesn’t have just one craving. Men are hungry and indecisive. Who can save the day? Ikea. I mean swedish people.
A smorgasbord is literally a giant table full of any food you want or can fit on the table. It is all of my human desires laying on a table. You can’t be wrong on a smorgasbord. Don’t have turkey on Thanksgiving?
NO TURKEY!!??!?!?! AHHHHHH BLAMO! Damn It Uncle Phil. You got brains on the nice table cloth again...
Don’t have jelly beans on your smorgasbord? No big deal. We got Sour Patch Kids, 3 Dominos Pizzas and a half sour gallon of milk mixed with snapple and robatussin.
Even the word itself is fucking incredible.
“The Swedish word smörgåsbord consists of the words smörgås (open-faced sandwich) and bord (table). Smörgås in turn consists of the wordssmör (butter) and gås (goose). Gås literally means goose, but later referred to the small pieces of butter that formed and floated to the surface of cream while it was churned”
So it’s genieology is from an open faced sandwich on a table. Great start. What does open faced sandwich come from? Ohhh just a little butter goose. Goose is gas? You already know how I feel about gas.
You could have a grilled cheese, Karl Malone, beggin strips, beanie weenies, a rocket launcher, lox, cake frosting, Dorito Tacos, a vhs copy of Tombstone recorded from TNT with the commercials, Wendy’s spicy chicken, a live chicken and a dead chicken to keep that fucking live chicken in line, dunkaroos, Ed 209, saltines, Mr. Pibb, 72 ounce steak, astronaut food, pop tarts and toaster struedal together as friends and everybody at the table would hold hands and thank some viking god, smergan flergan mcdergan (he’s partially scottish) and nobody would question anything.
Could you imagine the look on Bill Nye’s face when walking into our Valentines day Smorgasbord?
Well I’d have to take the velvet blindfold and handcuffs off first. But then…
AHHHH SCIENCE! KAPOW!
I assume Bill Nye will yell Ahhh Science prior to dying. Why? Well it’s our safety word.
On that note.
–
AWESOME SONG OF THE DAY
Julian Plenti
Only If You Run
–
Whey are you reading this? Go see Cabin in the Woods!
I have a pizza hut app. It is the most amazing invention of all time. Steve Jobs stated that he invented Apple in some previous decade so that someday I will be able to order pizza from the toilet without having to have the guy on the other line hear my poops. I can’t go with somebody listening. Critiquing my style. Then he asks if I wiped? None of your business Dick Tracy.
Wait, you can go inside a Pizza Hut?
I can program in multiple locations to choose from?
WHAT!
I can order a pizza from my crib…. Real crib, I sleep in a giant baby crib. I have extreme night terrors and will fall out onto a floor of knives and cut myself a lot without those baby bars keeping me at bay.
Al Borlin: (somebody go watch Home Improvement and tell me how to spell that, then get my password and log in and fix it for me… thanks (smiley face) I prefer to write out my emoticons. More proper english. All this slang these kids use these days. (wink and smirk).
Why do you store knives on the ground? (tilted eyes and hand scratching head)
For somebody who says they know a lot about housing you are fucking stupid Mr. Borlin. (where you people at with that name spelling correction?). My knife rack is full and my HOA doesn’t let me hang them from the trees. I know right? What is it that I am paying for?
Why on the floor by your bed? Well, if somebody breaks in, I will have to stab them, right?
Ohh man, It would be so awesome if somebody were to break into my house while I was having an extreme night terrorn (which are usually accompanied by extreme nocturnal emissions) while in a giant baby crib surrounded by knives. That robber would have such a great story and giant stab wound. (wide open eyes and mouth!) I mean he could tell that story in heaven, where burglars belong.
I can also add in my employer, which conveniently enough is Pizza Hut, so I can app order my pizza and lay on the floor until they drop it on my face.
My neighbor’s funeral? App them slices son! Disrespectful? That bastard shouldn’t have used his spare key to see if I was alright because he just heard tons of screaming. Which nicely translates from my night terror to his screams of terror by having a parring knife in his eyeballs. You can’t go to jail for “night terror” murders…. Just saying.
I’m one of these people who wants to eat my pizza and my cake too, but don’t like grease. So I dabbed it. Dab that grease. Just a dab. Dab. Science has proven that dabbed pizza becomes broccoli. So I invented a new pizza app. Called the grease dabber. You just rub your phone on that slice and enjoy health food. **Disclaimer the Just a Dab app costs 1 Pizza Hut $10.00 Dinner Box handled delivered to my house and it will ruin your phone.**
What is this doing here? Ohhh you are a day late Alien Resurrection. Sleeve Guns were yesterday. Boy and did we need you, could've saved that one. What is the guy on the left looking at? Dudes pizza hut app probably.
Do people still eat tombstone pizzas? Can my tombstone be a tombstone pizza? I was so mad at the movie tombstone. Not a single pizza. I take that back that movie has Kurt Russell, Val Kilmer, Sam Elliot, Bill Paxton, a train, some horses, a lady and a murdered Billy Zane. It has it all. Expect Pizza.
THE A IS FOR AWESOME 
