FOOD AWESOMENESS: A SMORGASBORD!

First and foremost. Go see Cabin in the Woods.  It is amazing.  I won’t tell you anything else.  You just have to go see it.  Then see it immediately again.

Know what I looked like after seeing it?

I am nice dresser when I go to the cinema.

I like food.  I post about it often.  Food makes our bodies work. It make us poop and fart and those things are half my material. It tastes great. It is awesome to have somebody drive my food to my house so I don’t have to stop watching the Real Housewives or Colombo.  It fuels my muscles so I can tear apart phone books at will or do a circuit of shirtless jumping jacks for the babes at the park.

Sigh.

It is usually really restrictive though. Like I order a pizza and they never just stop at chipotle and dairy queen for me on the way.  A man doesn’t have just one craving.  Men are hungry and indecisive. Who can save the day? Ikea.  I mean swedish people.

A smorgasbord is literally a giant table full of any food you want or can fit on the table.  It is all of my human desires laying on a table. You can’t be wrong on a smorgasbord.  Don’t have turkey on Thanksgiving?

NO TURKEY!!??!?!?! AHHHHHH BLAMO! Damn It Uncle Phil. You got brains on the nice table cloth again...

Don’t have jelly beans on your smorgasbord? No big deal.  We got Sour Patch Kids, 3 Dominos Pizzas and a half sour gallon of milk mixed with snapple and robatussin.

Even the word itself is fucking incredible.

“The Swedish word smörgåsbord consists of the words smörgås (open-faced sandwich) and bord (table). Smörgås in turn consists of the wordssmör (butter) and gås (goose). Gås literally means goose, but later referred to the small pieces of butter that formed and floated to the surface of cream while it was churned”

So it’s genieology is from an open faced sandwich on a table.  Great start.  What does open faced sandwich come from? Ohhh just a little butter goose.   Goose is gas? You already know how I feel about gas.

You could have a grilled cheese, Karl Malone, beggin strips, beanie weenies, a rocket launcher, lox, cake frosting, Dorito Tacos, a vhs copy of Tombstone recorded from TNT with the commercials, Wendy’s spicy chicken, a live chicken and a dead chicken to keep that fucking live chicken in line, dunkaroos, Ed 209, saltines, Mr. Pibb, 72 ounce steak, astronaut food, pop tarts and toaster struedal together as friends and everybody at the table would hold hands and thank some viking god, smergan flergan mcdergan (he’s partially scottish) and nobody would question anything.

Could you imagine the look on Bill Nye’s face when walking into our Valentines day Smorgasbord?

Well I’d have to take the velvet blindfold and handcuffs off first.  But then…

AHHHH SCIENCE! KAPOW!

I assume Bill Nye will yell Ahhh Science prior to dying. Why? Well it’s our safety word.

On that note.

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AWESOME SONG OF THE DAY

Julian Plenti

Only If You Run

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Whey are you reading this? Go see Cabin in the Woods!

 

SPACE AWESOMENESS: SOLAR ECLIPSES!

I was talking to Karl Malone about space today, it is our Tuesday tradition.  A little tea some peppermint patties and a lot of space talk. Topics of discussion were as follows.

1) space – why it is awesome a power point presentation by Karl Malone

2) space – a look into its soul – an interpretive dance by gloria estifon

3) space – the diarama by: some 4th grade class.  I don’t know any 4th graders but I have a van and a lot of candy.  Done and Done.

The moon gets sick of the sun always talking shit and making plants grow and peoples skin tan.  The moon just make shit scary looking and thats when monsters come out.  So sometimes the moon says. “hey! look her sun, stop being a jerk and jocking my style.  It’s time for a little space magic.  Time for you to disappear! Human magicians just make planes and tigers and wallets disappear, pussies.  Except for David Blain he would make the sun disappear and then reappear in a coke bottle at the bottom of the ocean which was just shit out by a dolphin.

No people I am serious the sun disappears! Bill Nye can confirm.  Bill do you confirm – Yes. BOOM POW SURPRISE!

I bet the moon has some agreement with vampires....

Space magic. Yep I made that up.  No you can’t use it.

OUT!

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Awesome Song of The Day #81

Neil Diamond – Girl You Will Be A Women Soon

God

Enjoy it over and over and over. And Yes I will be a women soon.

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MOVIE AWESOMENESS: ALIENS!

What do you get when you mix a group of kick ass space marines and a group of kick ass space monters.  A shit load of goodness.  I mean it literally explodes my brain,  all over the walls like a shotgun or some sorta of brain blowing contraption.  Exploding crossbow would also do the trick.

FOG MACHINE...alien is at a rave

So…

Sigorney Weaver used to be on a ship that was attacked my an Alien. It ate a lot of faces and was thrown into space!  Wicked awesome as Boston would say.  Then I would say shut the fuck up Boston and go eat some Dunkin Donuts or have sex with Ben Affleck!  Then she wakes up and is sent to a place were the Mad About You Guy (no not Helen Hunt silly) convinces her to go and destroy all of these fucks, except his dog died and he wants one as a pet.

So she gets with a group of witty and fun marines with sweet guns and head cameras.  They get into a fight over corn bread and then they all get killed.  Soooooo… she gets in some sort of construction equipment, has an actual fist fight with a queen alien who just ripped an android in half.  Saves a Newt and does a jump high fives with Voltron.

Guns didn't work, Marines didn't work, Bill Paxton didn't work....Giant pinchy arms worked!

Ohhh yea and they have acid for blood, whoops forgot to mention that! So you shoot one up close? Tough shit it just ate through your skin and is melting your liver and stomach.  Ouch!

GAME OVER MAN! GAME OVER!

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AWESOME SONG OF THE DAY #66

BONNIE TYLER – HOLDING OUT FOR A HERO

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