So I saw a video that is making the rounds on the world wide web. It involves the youngest member of MENSA, which I always thought stood for the Men Space Association. Which was great cause we don’t want coodies in space. We have enough problems to worry about with giant solar flares that are going to cause 2012. I saw that movie. We are fucked. I am still trying to find John Cusack so he can wisk me to safety. No Amanda Peet though. That lady is annoying. So this kid is a badass. A certified genius by the age of 3. Loves donuts and just yells I have to poop when its time to bathroom.
Here watch this.
That kid is a spitting image of me. Not when I was a kid… Right now. That kid and I could hang out. At work I keep getting dirty looks because after my morning coffee I just yell.
“Ohhh boy I have to doo doo”
Until somebody brings me a bucket or I doo doo my sweatpants. Yeah, I am allowed to wear sweatpants to my office. I don’t get fired because I think they think I am mentally handicapped.
First thing that kid does while at the Today Show. Eat a bakers dozen. Who cares about meeting Al Roker. Those fucking donuts have frosting and sprinkles!
What about that kids horrible parents. Their kid is screaming I have to shit my fucking pants on national television and what do they do. Tell her to shut the fuck up and stop ruining their moment for making such a smart baby. At one point the dad like a smug piece of shit says. “I’m sorry about this” What! You’re sorry that your just passed being a baby child has to crap and she isn’t being more polite about it???? I wish that kid would have just dropped trow and shit all over her dads feet. Then flipped him off and yelled I’m out. That’s what I would do. Probably why I wasn’t invited back to the today show for my amazing lowest IQ score ever. I posted it on my fridge. That interviewer is a cunt too. That is a harsh word. I know my mom told me not to use it unless I am talking about draculas. But that skank face couldn’t roll with the punches either. Ohh your tummy hurts. Well stop ruining my bit! I don’t want to go back to ring girl at the holiday inn cage fights. I wish a car came through that building and took out that kids parents and the interviewer. That car would be driven by Steven Hawkings mind. He would bring her to MENSA head quarters and she could eat all the donuts her heart desires and then cure cancer. That kid rules.
I want a bakers two dozen. That’s 43 donuts. Hey, I didn’t make up the math.
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AWESOME SONG OF THE DAY
ROMAN CANDLE
THEY SAY
I wish I could sing and not make windows break and heads explode. It is my greatest power and my greatest downfall. Ohh sweet justice.
First and foremost. Go see Cabin in the Woods. It is amazing. I won’t tell you anything else. You just have to go see it. Then see it immediately again.
Know what I looked like after seeing it?
I am nice dresser when I go to the cinema.
I like food. I post about it often. Food makes our bodies work. It make us poop and fart and those things are half my material. It tastes great. It is awesome to have somebody drive my food to my house so I don’t have to stop watching the Real Housewives or Colombo. It fuels my muscles so I can tear apart phone books at will or do a circuit of shirtless jumping jacks for the babes at the park.
Sigh.
It is usually really restrictive though. Like I order a pizza and they never just stop at chipotle and dairy queen for me on the way. A man doesn’t have just one craving. Men are hungry and indecisive. Who can save the day? Ikea. I mean swedish people.
A smorgasbord is literally a giant table full of any food you want or can fit on the table. It is all of my human desires laying on a table. You can’t be wrong on a smorgasbord. Don’t have turkey on Thanksgiving?
NO TURKEY!!??!?!?! AHHHHHH BLAMO! Damn It Uncle Phil. You got brains on the nice table cloth again...
Don’t have jelly beans on your smorgasbord? No big deal. We got Sour Patch Kids, 3 Dominos Pizzas and a half sour gallon of milk mixed with snapple and robatussin.
Even the word itself is fucking incredible.
“The Swedish word smörgåsbord consists of the words smörgås (open-faced sandwich) and bord (table). Smörgås in turn consists of the wordssmör (butter) and gås (goose). Gås literally means goose, but later referred to the small pieces of butter that formed and floated to the surface of cream while it was churned”
So it’s genieology is from an open faced sandwich on a table. Great start. What does open faced sandwich come from? Ohhh just a little butter goose. Goose is gas? You already know how I feel about gas.
You could have a grilled cheese, Karl Malone, beggin strips, beanie weenies, a rocket launcher, lox, cake frosting, Dorito Tacos, a vhs copy of Tombstone recorded from TNT with the commercials, Wendy’s spicy chicken, a live chicken and a dead chicken to keep that fucking live chicken in line, dunkaroos, Ed 209, saltines, Mr. Pibb, 72 ounce steak, astronaut food, pop tarts and toaster struedal together as friends and everybody at the table would hold hands and thank some viking god, smergan flergan mcdergan (he’s partially scottish) and nobody would question anything.
Could you imagine the look on Bill Nye’s face when walking into our Valentines day Smorgasbord?
Well I’d have to take the velvet blindfold and handcuffs off first. But then…
AHHHH SCIENCE! KAPOW!
I assume Bill Nye will yell Ahhh Science prior to dying. Why? Well it’s our safety word.
On that note.
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AWESOME SONG OF THE DAY
Julian Plenti
Only If You Run
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Whey are you reading this? Go see Cabin in the Woods!
THE A IS FOR AWESOME 