Archive for the Dork Category

BINARY AWESOMENESS: 10101000100101010100!!!!!

Posted in Awesome, awesome song of the day, awesomness, Bill Nye, blog, comedy, Dork, Humor, Internet Photographs, Technology, What the Fuck? with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on May 16, 2012 by tsanda

1001010101010010101010101010101010100000011111101010111010101010001101010000000100000111111101010101001011110101010

1010101100101010100000001111101010000101010101010101010101000001011101110001110001101010

10100101

“10001110100101010000110001”

“100010011101110000011101010101”

Binary, Blog, Humor, Jokes, Humor, Awesomeness

0001001110101001010101 101001010101010!!!

11010010010011010100001010101010001111111111110111111111011111110000010101010 01 10100 0101 10 10 10 100000111010 1010101 010101

010101010 101 101010010101 0101

101010 1010 01 011111000 10101 01 010 10 01010010101

0101 101 0010011000 10101001

01010101

Binary, Blog, Humor, Jokes, Humor, Awesomeness

10101010101 10101 01010101010

10101 00101 01010 101001 01 010 10 10  23827828917189728179838928972817  10 1010010101 1010 10101 100010100101 01010 010100101010

0101010

10101

101010 100100 1010

Binary, Blog, Humor, Jokes, Humor, Awesomeness

1010101010101????

10101!!!

1010 1010101010!

1100101010

1001010

—-

 

 

Bill Nye “what the fuck is wrong with you?”

“1001010010”

TERRIBLE PARENTING and CHILD AWESOMENESS: I HAVE TO POOP!

Posted in Awesome, awesome song of the day, awesomness, blog, Children, comedy, Dork, Humor, Space with tags , , , , , , , , on May 15, 2012 by tsanda

So I saw a video that is making the rounds on the world wide web. It involves the youngest member of MENSA, which I always thought stood for the Men Space Association.  Which was great cause we don’t want coodies in space.  We have enough problems to worry about with giant solar flares that are going to cause 2012.  I saw that movie.  We are fucked.  I am still trying to find John Cusack so he can wisk me to safety.  No Amanda Peet though.  That lady is annoying.  So this kid is a badass. A certified genius by the age of 3.  Loves donuts and just yells I have to poop when its time to bathroom.

Here watch this.

That kid is a spitting image of me.  Not when I was a kid… Right now.  That kid and I could hang out.  At work I keep getting dirty looks because after my morning coffee I just yell.

“Ohhh boy I have to doo doo”

Until somebody brings me a bucket or I doo doo my sweatpants. Yeah, I am allowed to wear sweatpants to my office.  I don’t get fired because I think they think I am mentally handicapped.

First thing that kid does while at the Today Show.  Eat a bakers dozen.  Who cares about meeting Al Roker.  Those fucking donuts have frosting and sprinkles!

What about that kids horrible parents.  Their kid is screaming I have to shit my fucking pants on national television and what do they do.  Tell her to shut the fuck up and stop ruining their moment for making such a smart baby.  At one point the dad like a smug piece of shit says.  “I’m sorry about this” What! You’re sorry that your just passed being a baby child has to crap and she isn’t being more polite about it????  I wish that kid would have just dropped trow and shit all over her dads feet.  Then flipped him off and yelled I’m out.  That’s what I would do.  Probably why I wasn’t invited back to the today show for my amazing lowest IQ score ever.  I posted it on my fridge.  That interviewer is a cunt too. That is a harsh word.  I know my mom told me not to use it unless I am talking about draculas.  But that skank face couldn’t roll with the punches either.  Ohh your tummy hurts.  Well stop ruining my bit! I don’t want to go back to ring girl at the holiday inn cage fights.  I wish a car came through that building and took out that kids parents and the interviewer.  That car would be driven by Steven Hawkings mind.  He would bring her to MENSA head quarters and she could eat all the donuts her heart desires and then cure cancer.  That kid rules.

I want a bakers two dozen.  That’s 43 donuts.  Hey, I didn’t make up the math.

AWESOME SONG OF THE DAY

ROMAN CANDLE

THEY SAY

I wish I could sing and not make windows break and heads explode.  It is my greatest power and my greatest downfall.  Ohh sweet justice.

 

 

FOOD AWESOMENESS: A SMORGASBORD!

Posted in Awesome, awesome song of the day, awesomness, Bill Nye, blog, comedy, Dork, Explosions, Food, Humor, Science, Stuff, Stupid with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , on April 16, 2012 by tsanda

First and foremost. Go see Cabin in the Woods.  It is amazing.  I won’t tell you anything else.  You just have to go see it.  Then see it immediately again.

Know what I looked like after seeing it?

Scanners, Head Explosion

I am nice dresser when I go to the cinema.

I like food.  I post about it often.  Food makes our bodies work. It make us poop and fart and those things are half my material. It tastes great. It is awesome to have somebody drive my food to my house so I don’t have to stop watching the Real Housewives or Colombo.  It fuels my muscles so I can tear apart phone books at will or do a circuit of shirtless jumping jacks for the babes at the park.

Sigh.

It is usually really restrictive though. Like I order a pizza and they never just stop at chipotle and dairy queen for me on the way.  A man doesn’t have just one craving.  Men are hungry and indecisive. Who can save the day? Ikea.  I mean swedish people.

A smorgasbord is literally a giant table full of any food you want or can fit on the table.  It is all of my human desires laying on a table. You can’t be wrong on a smorgasbord.  Don’t have turkey on Thanksgiving?

Scanners, Head Explosion

NO TURKEY!!??!?!?! AHHHHHH BLAMO! Damn It Uncle Phil. You got brains on the nice table cloth again...

Don’t have jelly beans on your smorgasbord? No big deal.  We got Sour Patch Kids, 3 Dominos Pizzas and a half sour gallon of milk mixed with snapple and robatussin.

Even the word itself is fucking incredible.

“The Swedish word smörgåsbord consists of the words smörgås (open-faced sandwich) and bord (table). Smörgås in turn consists of the wordssmör (butter) and gås (goose). Gås literally means goose, but later referred to the small pieces of butter that formed and floated to the surface of cream while it was churned”

So it’s genieology is from an open faced sandwich on a table.  Great start.  What does open faced sandwich come from? Ohhh just a little butter goose.   Goose is gas? You already know how I feel about gas.

You could have a grilled cheese, Karl Malone, beggin strips, beanie weenies, a rocket launcher, lox, cake frosting, Dorito Tacos, a vhs copy of Tombstone recorded from TNT with the commercials, Wendy’s spicy chicken, a live chicken and a dead chicken to keep that fucking live chicken in line, dunkaroos, Ed 209, saltines, Mr. Pibb, 72 ounce steak, astronaut food, pop tarts and toaster struedal together as friends and everybody at the table would hold hands and thank some viking god, smergan flergan mcdergan (he’s partially scottish) and nobody would question anything.

Could you imagine the look on Bill Nye’s face when walking into our Valentines day Smorgasbord?

Well I’d have to take the velvet blindfold and handcuffs off first.  But then…

Bill Nye's head exploding. Scanners, Head Explosion

AHHHH SCIENCE! KAPOW!

I assume Bill Nye will yell Ahhh Science prior to dying. Why? Well it’s our safety word.

On that note.

AWESOME SONG OF THE DAY

Julian Plenti

Only If You Run

Whey are you reading this? Go see Cabin in the Woods!

 

DEAR FUCKING GOD GOOBY IS SCARY!

Posted in Awesome, awesome song of the day, awesomness, Bill Nye, blog, Children, comedy, Dork, Humor, Toys, What the Fuck? with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on April 2, 2012 by tsanda

Apparently World-Fest Film Festival in Houston is entirely populated by members who hate children and terror free nights.  Kids have enough to be scared of without having teddy bears all of a sudden being horrifying.  I mean I am only partially still a kid.

Bill Nye – Partially being a kid doesn’t really make sense Mr.  When you turn 18 you really are an adult.

Mr. (me) – Well by partially I mean I still wet my bed occasionally twice a night.  I like to one night stand ladies.  Instead of a note by the door, it’s a wet mattress.

Bill Nye – I think that just makes you disgusting.

Me – I eat crayons and glue?

Bill Nye – You’re probably going to die soon.  How often do you eat that?

Me – How often is dinner?

Bill Nye ….

Yea, I love shutting that brainiac up.  I kept spelling brainiac, braniac.  Which is also true.  I love me some fucking bran muffins.  COB, a little sexy bowl of Cracklin Oat Bran.  Really gives me boners.

Jeans with built in underwear

You see that fold by the crotchal and left leg? Not a fold. Me blastin through. If you could see me I am holding up a hand for a high five.... i'll wait.

I bet gooby would wear those pants.

Who the fuck is this gooby character you are talking about.

Satan.

In simple terms.  Satan.

Movie executive: Let us make a wholesome family film.  As a basis we will make a children’s toy comes to life and teach a spunky youngin to live life to the fullest and not be scared of any obstacles.  Even Eugene Levy.

This sounds oddly familiar.  Kids toy.  Coming to life?…

Can’t quite put my fist on it.  I don’t like to point with a finger.  I like to point with my fist.  Much more authority.

Child's Play, Chucky

Ohhh, that fucking thing...

No no no.  Gooby is wholesome! Gooby is fun.  Gooby is life lessons.  Gooby would never violently rape a kid.

Gooby

Damnit. Not again Gooby.

Well, thanks Eugene Levy.  You ruined Teddy Bears for me.

Gooby

Hi Child. Remember how you would let your family dog hump me? Everybody got a great laugh? Spot is humping the stuffed animal.. HAHAHA. Well spot is dead.... and so are you parents.

Why is it that Gooby looks like really hairy fat guys back?

These photos don’t do this fucking monster any justice

at one point that bastard gooby throws timmy’s dead body in some leafs.

Although you got to wonder why is Eugene Levy so intently reading that toilet paper.  Does he not get how to use it?  Is this a new product to him?

He probably uses the three seashells.

AWESOME SONG OF THE DAY!

THEOPHILUS LONDON

I Stand Alone

That cleansed my brain. Thanks TL.

 

 

 

 

CRIME AWESOMENESS: GETTING ARRESTED FOR A TACO!

Posted in Awesome, awesome song of the day, awesomness, blog, comedy, Dork, Humor, Music with tags , , , , , , , , , , on March 31, 2012 by tsanda

I am going to post an actual full news story.  So you can see that I am not full of shit. This actually happened. There are crimes that make no sense to me.  Murder, rape, animal sodomy.  Then there are crimes of extreme passion and necessity that I condone and completely understand. Stealing Tacos is definitely one of those.

ohh wait that is rap song with a chorus that is “I’m the 7th letter of the Alphabet, I’m a G”

Here we go:

“Today in: “Well, that was unnecessary,” we bring you the story of Erving Walker, the Florida Gators guard who allegedly stole a taco and didn’t get away with it. It wasn’t even a gourmet taco — it was the $3 dollar variety from a street vendor. Why, Erving, why?

Walker ordered a taco early Friday morning and ran away without paying. When cops started to follow him and ordered him to stop, Walker kept going. They soon caught up to him, however, and charged him with petty theft and resisting an officer.

You might think that Walker is a freshman, perhaps feeling a little high on helping his team make the Elite 8, and felt like a taco was perhaps owed to him. But Walker is a senior who felt deserving of a free taco. If this was, say, a Jamar Samuels type situation, then this theft would be sad. But Walker, who said he was “just playing around” when the cops caught him, looks to be the entitled collegiate-athlete type.

Walker wasn’t arrested, because the police probably recognized that being known as “the basketball player who steals tacos” is punishment enough. He will have to appear in court next month, where he may have to plead guilty to “stealing three dollars worth of tortilla, meat and cheese.” Sorry, that’s lawyer speak for “cheap taco.””

– some news publication.

My favorite part is that Taco’s are amazing.

My second favorite part is that he got chased by the police to which he remarked.  “I was just playing around…”  Take it from Harrison Ford, authority types hate when you run from them.

“I didn’t steal that Taco!”  “I don’t care…”

How does this student athlete who is a top 5 all time leading scorer for Florida not out run Police Officers.  Cops these days are fat as hell.  I can briskly walk past most police and watching me makes them tired.

Fat Cops

Thumb Wrestling for the Taco that was stolen. Getting winded in the process.

I’m pretty sure that cops love food related crimes.  They did a taco line up to figure out which taco was stolen.

Nom Nom Nom.

You guys ate the line up again? Well this handsome fucking blogger helped too.

Makes me recant my previous statement.  I might just kill somebody for a taco.  Dorito Shell Taco Bell? I’d stab for that.

Awesome Song of The Day

Odd Future

Oldie

Seriously one of the best rap songs I’ve heard in ages.  I was never quite sure about these guys but this song is all the talent coming out and not being overshadowed by the weirdness.

 

 

TV SHOW AWESOMENESS: AWAKE!

Posted in Awesome, awesome song of the day, awesomness, blog, comedy, Dork, Humor, Movies, Television, Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , on March 22, 2012 by tsanda

Again something I’ve never seen before.  I enjoy talking about stuff I know nothing about other than my immediate preconceptions. I find things are usually neater in my brain than in real life. Like how Wrath of the Titans has fucking nothing to do with Remember the Titans.  I was expecting a violently inspirational equal rights story.  Instead all we  get is Sam Waterston flying a horse.  What? Worthington? Damnit.  I thought he was stuck on a ledge.

Awake, according to a TV guide sentence I skimmed, is about a guy who gets in a car crash and either his son dies or his wife dies depending on whether or not he is dreaming and which dream/reality he is in.  That is a great idea.  However, that guy has the most depressing and boring dreams ever.  I’d have to decide between a world where I ride falcor to fight predators with John Spartan and Simon Phoenix.

John Spartan, Knitting, Demolition Man, Sly Stallone

John Spartan knitting me a red sleeveless kimono.

Addition Sign

Simon Phoenix, Demolition Man, Wesley Snipes

Simon Phoenix is such a good name Nick Cage is fucking furious he was not in this movie.

Plus

Falcor, Neverending Story

Little Known Fact: Falcor was fired from the Rock-afire Explosion for railing to much coke.

=

Predator

Murdered Predator. I don't take spines and skulls though. I collect stamps.

It’s better than my alternate dreamality.

Madea

Shivers.

+

The Gimp, Pulp Fiction

Damnit, I thought you were sleeping

Now my shrink has to figure out what is wrong with me.  Good Luck Billy Crystal.

AWESOME SONG OF THE DAY

Rock-afire explosion Covering Usher and Young Jeezy

Love in this Club

 

 

COMMUNITY SERVICE AWESOMENESS: STEALING THE RONALD MCDONALD STATUTE!

Posted in Awesome, awesome song of the day, awesomness, blog, comedy, Dork, Fuck Clowns., Humor, Monsters with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , on March 14, 2012 by tsanda

The Denver Ronald McDonald House had it’s Ronald McDonald statue stolen a while back.  People were all up in arms about this.

Some Local Lady “How can you steal from the Ronald McDonald House?”

Some Local Protestor “This is terrible, what has the world come to? The Ronald McDonald House?!”

Charles Barkley “Pizza, Burgers, Wings, Meatballs, Ribs, Steak, Meatballs…”

Charles, I’ve told you more than once get out of here with all that meatball talk.  What about hoagies? Charles: Well I didn’t say hoagies now did I? … No, I guess not.

Some Other Lady “The statue costs $3,500 but the memories are priceless.”

Memories?

The memories are priceless? I think this lady is getting memories and debilitating nightmares mixed up again.

Look at this fucking scary ass thing.

Ronald Mcdonald House Statue Denver

If you look closely under it's eyes, it appears to be crying black satan blood.

You want this hanging around like a creepy evil pedophile?  Kids are supposed to come here for hope and not leave with a psychotic breakdown?  As you can tell I absolutely hate clowns.  IT ruined it all for me (you’re welcome for the link).  It makes you wonder though… Whatever happened to that thing.  I never heard any conclusion  to that story.

I assume that Ronald McDonald ate those people.

Or he is just sitting in somebody’s basement.

I already told you I don’t know the conclusion.  I am really hoping it’s the later because with a missing Ron McD statue roaming around Denver everything time I hear something outside I instantly think its Ronald trying to kill me.

It really puts a damper on trying to do sex with a lady when you have to ask her to check under the bed for Ronald McDonalds.  Hey sweet cheeks, you can think I’m a nancy boy all you want… but I don’t want to be eaten by Ronald McDonald.  I call it common sense. Now lets do that sex I paid for.

Nice.

AWESOME SONG OF THE DAY

brandUN Deshay

A Beating Cuff Link