MILK AWESOMENESS: ROOT BEER MILK?

I stole this photograph from my brother. Apparently this exists and I can’t quite wrap my head around it. Or Rap my head around it. Nothing cool rhymes with Rootbeer Milk. Glutesmear Rilk? Those aren’t even words!

A much better seller than the Old Fashioned Mr. Pibb milk.

I looked this up on the internet and apparently it is real. Apparently back in history people would mix rootbeer and milk. I’m a little unsure still whether or not this is real. Because it’s “old fashioned” not “olde fashionede” adding e’s to the ends of words that don’t neede it makes things seeme oldere and more authentice.

How did this occur? Rootbeer milk. Those two things together sounds like the devil’s poison.

I get carmel eggs and ice cream tacos. Those make perfect sense to me. Wheat grass marshmallows and Jamba Juice nachos? These things I would mix in a heartbeat.

First of all milk is stupid and root beer is like the 8th best soda. I have no idea how this happened. Could I bet behind some milk squirt? Other than the name sounds horribly sexual and 100% unappetizing. I’d try it.

Hell, I’d even go Milk + Crystal Pepsi.

Quite frankly I’d be more psyched for turd water.

I’m going to calm my nerves with a sweet glass of Maple Syrup Ginger Ale. That would probably be the most canadian thing since, Canada.

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AWESOME SONG OF THE DAY

Theophilus London FT. ASAP Rocky

Big Spender

TINY CARS AWESOMENESS: MATCHBOX CARS!

I bet so many people stumbled onto this post because they were looking for stuff about Matchbox 20.  Suckers, that is how I get all of my traffic.  Wordsense, or wordplay, or adsense or something to do with food so fatties search for it. Well it is not a total loss.

Why? Because here is a random picture of Rob Thomas!

I think he is staring at a banana.

Why would rob thomas stare at a banana like he wants to sex it? What else do you do with a banana?

But while I listen to matchbox 20 I play with Matchbox cars.  I like to keep my music and toys similar. I read Grapes of Wrath while playing the Grape Escape.  I listen to yellow submarine while I urinate, in a submarine.  Maggot Brain? Use your imagination… Yup, I snort maggots.  Maggot Brain has to be the best 10 minute song about maggots and brains.

Matchbox cars are so neat though.  You can practice getting into car accidents at a young age.  I like games that prepare me for adult hood.  Like construction toys at the playground.  I like to recreate fake traffic jams on really hot days with my matchbox cars.  Me and my friend put all of our cars in a traffic jam, then give each other the finger and yell, who is this friend? I thought you had no friends, you ask, well, we will call him Hobo Joe, not because he is a hobo, well he lives in my sandbox, and he doesn’t have a home, which I guess according to dictionaries makes him a hobo, but maybe because his name is Joe, I think I am going to eliminate periods from my keyboard, i only like commas, they are so versatile, like Hobo Joe, he once killed one of my neighbors because they were getting mad that we were, throwing, dog tu,rds over, the, fence, com,ma.

Where was I? Hobo Joe just tried to eat a worm. Gross. I never liked kids who ate worms.  Hobo joe and I are over.  Shit he is trying to kill me. Okay I got him first.  How? Easy, bear. Bear? Yeah that bear I wrestled, i trapped him like the Rancor.  Giant underground battleground? Nope, tuff shed.  Always keep a bear trap in your car.  Just never know.

I like realistic Matchbox cars.  I wouldn’t buy my kids sweet matchbox cars like Beetles or Ford Taurus’s (dont worry I don’t have any kids of my own, I find them at bus stops and outside schools and stuff, it’s amazing how much kids love candy!) I get them cars that they are actually going to own in life.

Yes kids, this what you are going to drive when you deliver my pizza, or attend your Insane Clown Posse shows.

Ted Danson is coming over for Fondu and carrots. I’ve gotta go melt some cheese.  This song rocks.

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Awesome Song of the Day #155

THE KILLS!

FUTURE STARTS SLOW

early candidate for song of the year.

YEEE HAAA!

THINGS THAT I LOVE AWESOMENESS: STICKS OF BUTTER!

Sticks of butter.  My first friend.  Nobody liked me growing up, local kids threw rocks at me, bears attacked me, aliens exploded my house repeatedly.  It was crazy!  I mean can’t a kid get some rest without a bear trying to eat some of my toes or face.  I didn’t have imaginary friends because they didn’t like me either, something about not wanting to hang out with the smelly kid or something.  I don’t know, I don’t like ghosts anyways so I was okay with that one.  My brothers used to say that to be their friends I would first have to make friends with a bear. Which I tried to tell them wasn’t working cause they only wanted to eat me, but those brother of mine they were freaking stubborn.

A local fat man told me to check out somebody named butter, he said that butter is friends with everybody.

Steve, Jim, Jake and Dusty. My first friends. Until I ate them.

So I went to my local refrigerator, which luckily was at my neighbors house, so I didn’t have far to walk.  Saw this butter.  He was smaller than I expected.  Did we have a great time or what! I rubbed him on my arms and legs and got a great tan!  I spread him on my muffin and he was derrricious!  I found that if I pealed off their translucent and waxing clothing and spread them over my sled I would go down the sledding hill with blazing speed! I was king of the sled hill.  We had wonderful times me and butter.  I figured I had found my first and last friends.  Why would they ever abandon me.

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Something happened.  It was a hot day.  I was playing in the sandbox with my race cars, 3 sticks of butter and a croissant.  The croissant kept losing in the grand prix to my race cars.  I was getting ready to fed it to the dog for losing so many races, that bastard lost me all my lunch money with those losses! Then I noticed that my butter had melted in the sun, a little had dripped on this worthless croissant.  The melted butter glistened from the sun and was caught by my minds eye.  It brought a tear to my eye and a rumble to my stomach.  Already mad at the croissant I decided his punishment should be me eating him.  I did.  I got my first food boner.  Then took a nap in the sun shine and had the best dreams I have ever had.  When I woke from my dream of swimming naked in a river of butter with my friends popcorn kernel and alaskan king crab, I stole all the neighbors butter.  I went home.  Locked myself in the bathroom and slowly ate the butter.  One stick at a time.  Now don’t me wrong.  I am disgustingly fat and my life expectancy is 31, but I have had a good run.  Me and butter.   We are going to go out like thelma and louise.  Expect not a car and the grand canyon.  Rather my bed, in my underwear and a box of thin mints covered in melted butter.  My heart will stop.  But my soul will live on in a buttery heaven.

You know what happens to deer when they eat sticks of butter?

Yup, eating the butter out of their dead intestines.

Gross.  I hope I don’t ever met any lions after Friday Night all you can eat Butter at the local 7-11.

It is me and 3 homeless guys who run in and steal all the butter then eat it together in the local dumpster.

You’re invited.  But get your own fucking butter!

OUT!

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AWESOME SONG OF THE DAY #145

BRITISH SEA POWER

WE ARE SOUND