HOLIDAY AWESOMENESS PART II: HALLOWEEN PART II

The II means too you stupid asshole.

I am really sorry, wow that was so unprofessional.  If you want your money back.  Send me a $5 dollar bill.  I’ll think about it.

It doesn’t mean too? Shit it means two? What the fuck is that? Too? It is to right? Bill Nye I need you!

He didn’t come, I have no idea.  Ill just go with 2twoooto.

So last halloween I wrote about vegetable carving.  Which is still awesome.  Want to see what I did this year?

Cutting Pickles. Forget pumpkins! This is some next level shit. I do stuff so next level you probably think it's dumb as shit. Come find me in 50 years when everybuddy is cutting pickles in half for halloween. I'll be dead but my tombstone will just say "PICKLES!"

Actually, my tombstone will be a tombstone pizza box with an LCD (cause those will still be around in 50 years) TV playing Tombstone.   NEXT LEVEL SHIT!

I went over most of my favorite things last year but there are some other awesome shits about halloween.  How about this?  You go to a strangers house, ring the door bell, and say this lovely little rhyme.

“Trick of Treat, Smell My Feet, Give Me Something Good Two (? shit not again!) Eat”

When else can you come up with that for a holiday?  Imma say this to my moms this christmas.

“Merry Christmas Honcho, Smell My Nacho, Give Me Some Chicken Tacos”

Thats it. No presents just a lot of nacho smelling and chicken tacos.  It will be magical.  Santa comin down the Chimney and fillin a picnic basket full of chicken and smellin my nacho while I sleep.  He does know when you are sleeping! He stands in the corner and watches me until I sleep.  It would be creepy but I was really good this year and I want some fucking chicken tacos.

My next favorite thing about Halloween?  It is the only time that I can give this.

HEY KIDS! Guess what I have! No my costume is the trench coat...

To these.

HAHA. I am going to jail.

Ahh pedder jokes.  So classy.

Im Gonna get ready for Thanksgiving.  Nothing special for thanksgiving.  Thats when Jesus gave turkey to a rabbit because it showed them how to grow crops.  Or it is about trees or something.

SEE YA.

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AWESOME SONG OF THE DAY

LIL WAYNE FT. GUCCI MANE

I do like ridiculous rap.  How redic?

“Big House Long Hallways, I’ve got 10 Bathrooms I Could Shit ALL DAY!”

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POOR CHOICE FOR A NAME AWESOMENESS: MONSTER IN MY POCKET!

I have been accused, fairly at that, that I can be a bit unPC at times.  I say things that my mother would shake her head at and say “Ohhhh (fill in the blank with whatever name you fancy)((i’d go with Trevor Rodriguez, that is a man’s man’s name))) you shouldn’t say those things people will think your weird or crazy or an asshole or hilarious! I added that last part for dramatic effect.  Like thunder after lighting.  Maybe I am reading to much into this…

Really? That's the name for a children's toy/game?

So, here is an idea.  Lets get kids okay with the phrase “monster in my pocket”. So if somebody / namely a stranger who may drive a van, or have mustache and wear a windbreaker or buys a lot of candy happens to saddle up next to little timmy at the merry go round and says,  “Hey I have a Monster in my pocket, would you like to play with it? Or see it, or touch it, or trade with yours”.  Little timmy only thinks of that toy / game he loves and says “fuck ya mister” (timmy watch your mouth).  So there is nothing wrong with toys, and monsters are pretty freaking awesome.  If it would have even just been “monsters in my pocket” not as bad, not nearly as pederass.  But that singular Monster in my Pocket, just makes my skin crawl.

So the next time this guy drives up next to your kid at the playground and successfully takes him home.  You have the children’s toy industry to thank. Your Christmas Gift to your son got him molested!

Ohhh sorry, I meant to post a picture of a person who looks like a pedifile, this is just Adam Morrison ... Wait a minute...ewwww

So there ya have it. Kids are dumb and toys peaked with crayons. Can’t get any better or less pederass. Unless of course you had a TV show where a full grown man lived in a basement and acted as a “baby sitter” …

There is a new boy in the neighbor hood, he lives downstairs and its understood that he is there just to take good care of me.....right.

HAHA who buys Charles In Charge on DVD? And when can we hang out?

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Awesome song of the Day # 119

Adam Kesher (band not person)

French Electro Pop Rock = Damn Catchy

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CHILDHOOD AWESOMENESS: TOYS THAT TEACH SKILLS!

Halo, no skills taught. Kids just sitting around smoking bongs shooting rockets at each other at a prison.  What can you use that for in real life? I’m asking you.  I can wait……….

I got sick of waiting and learned some war tactics and mental visualization skills by playing a quick game of battleship with my dog.  He always sinks my battle ship! Then I throw the board across the room and pout.  I am currently pouting.  Big frowny face. Shup up eligh, I know you always win.

What else do kids do these days?  Pokeman? Digimon? Some other japanese card crap thing? That only teaches kids to be poofs who are afraid of the sun none of those animals are real… at least when I was a kid I had baby animal memory.  Great for the brain and adorable.

When I was a kid we practiced being construction workers.  Practical real world skills that we could transfer to our adult lives.

It's not that bad, fresh air, as many cigs as you can smoke, a sweet hat. See Timmy you too can join the working class.

Look how much fun I had? Buckets.  Which I knew how to fill and empty because of my construction skills.

My imaginary sister. What did she get? Easy-Bake oven  Now she can bake the shit out of some stuff.  And as a secret added bonus that you just don’t think about.  Changing Light Bulbs.  Think about it.  Two skills in one!  Personal Palm Computers for kids? Kids don’t have appointments! You don’t need a Palm Pre to schedule picking your nose.  I remember just fine.

Girls you're gonna need these skills to land a man......

Well I have effectively offended my female fans.  Ha thats a good one. Girls don’t read this. Or talk to me… More frowny face!

I really don’t party with to many children these days.  Trying to think of more stuff they do that sucks. Let me think.

FUCK.

I just googled some shit that pisses me off more than fire ants on my face.  When I was a kid nerf and super soaker where the shit. You had to convince your folks to get 2 toys to get both.  Now they have combined forces!? Whaaaa? First KFC and Taco Bell now Super Soaker and Nerf? Ohh no big d…looks like crap.  Good. That was a close call thought kids these days had a foot up on us. Nope still sucky.

Bull shit super nerfers don’t have shit on… king kong!!!  Yes, Denzel Washington, we realize that … now stop yelling that at Ethan Hawke. He is fragile and stop interrupting my blog.   I was going to say hungry hungry hippos.

I wanna be the blue one.

How many lessons in that game?!?!?! Count em. Survival of the Fittest! ONE!.  But a good lesson, if you don’t eat as much as you can, and as much of your co-hippas food as you can.  Then you will starve to death.  What happens when there is no more food? Ughhh, play again. World resources solved yet again. I tackle the big issues move over anderson cooper.

out

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Awesome Song of the Day #111

Bonobo

Flutter

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