Archive for the Children Category

TERRIBLE PARENTING and CHILD AWESOMENESS: I HAVE TO POOP!

Posted in Awesome, awesome song of the day, awesomness, blog, Children, comedy, Dork, Humor, Space with tags , , , , , , , , on May 15, 2012 by tsanda

So I saw a video that is making the rounds on the world wide web. It involves the youngest member of MENSA, which I always thought stood for the Men Space Association.  Which was great cause we don’t want coodies in space.  We have enough problems to worry about with giant solar flares that are going to cause 2012.  I saw that movie.  We are fucked.  I am still trying to find John Cusack so he can wisk me to safety.  No Amanda Peet though.  That lady is annoying.  So this kid is a badass. A certified genius by the age of 3.  Loves donuts and just yells I have to poop when its time to bathroom.

Here watch this.

That kid is a spitting image of me.  Not when I was a kid… Right now.  That kid and I could hang out.  At work I keep getting dirty looks because after my morning coffee I just yell.

“Ohhh boy I have to doo doo”

Until somebody brings me a bucket or I doo doo my sweatpants. Yeah, I am allowed to wear sweatpants to my office.  I don’t get fired because I think they think I am mentally handicapped.

First thing that kid does while at the Today Show.  Eat a bakers dozen.  Who cares about meeting Al Roker.  Those fucking donuts have frosting and sprinkles!

What about that kids horrible parents.  Their kid is screaming I have to shit my fucking pants on national television and what do they do.  Tell her to shut the fuck up and stop ruining their moment for making such a smart baby.  At one point the dad like a smug piece of shit says.  “I’m sorry about this” What! You’re sorry that your just passed being a baby child has to crap and she isn’t being more polite about it????  I wish that kid would have just dropped trow and shit all over her dads feet.  Then flipped him off and yelled I’m out.  That’s what I would do.  Probably why I wasn’t invited back to the today show for my amazing lowest IQ score ever.  I posted it on my fridge.  That interviewer is a cunt too. That is a harsh word.  I know my mom told me not to use it unless I am talking about draculas.  But that skank face couldn’t roll with the punches either.  Ohh your tummy hurts.  Well stop ruining my bit! I don’t want to go back to ring girl at the holiday inn cage fights.  I wish a car came through that building and took out that kids parents and the interviewer.  That car would be driven by Steven Hawkings mind.  He would bring her to MENSA head quarters and she could eat all the donuts her heart desires and then cure cancer.  That kid rules.

I want a bakers two dozen.  That’s 43 donuts.  Hey, I didn’t make up the math.

AWESOME SONG OF THE DAY

ROMAN CANDLE

THEY SAY

I wish I could sing and not make windows break and heads explode.  It is my greatest power and my greatest downfall.  Ohh sweet justice.

 

 

DEAR FUCKING GOD GOOBY IS SCARY!

Posted in Awesome, awesome song of the day, awesomness, Bill Nye, blog, Children, comedy, Dork, Humor, Toys, What the Fuck? with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on April 2, 2012 by tsanda

Apparently World-Fest Film Festival in Houston is entirely populated by members who hate children and terror free nights.  Kids have enough to be scared of without having teddy bears all of a sudden being horrifying.  I mean I am only partially still a kid.

Bill Nye – Partially being a kid doesn’t really make sense Mr.  When you turn 18 you really are an adult.

Mr. (me) – Well by partially I mean I still wet my bed occasionally twice a night.  I like to one night stand ladies.  Instead of a note by the door, it’s a wet mattress.

Bill Nye – I think that just makes you disgusting.

Me – I eat crayons and glue?

Bill Nye – You’re probably going to die soon.  How often do you eat that?

Me – How often is dinner?

Bill Nye ….

Yea, I love shutting that brainiac up.  I kept spelling brainiac, braniac.  Which is also true.  I love me some fucking bran muffins.  COB, a little sexy bowl of Cracklin Oat Bran.  Really gives me boners.

Jeans with built in underwear

You see that fold by the crotchal and left leg? Not a fold. Me blastin through. If you could see me I am holding up a hand for a high five.... i'll wait.

I bet gooby would wear those pants.

Who the fuck is this gooby character you are talking about.

Satan.

In simple terms.  Satan.

Movie executive: Let us make a wholesome family film.  As a basis we will make a children’s toy comes to life and teach a spunky youngin to live life to the fullest and not be scared of any obstacles.  Even Eugene Levy.

This sounds oddly familiar.  Kids toy.  Coming to life?…

Can’t quite put my fist on it.  I don’t like to point with a finger.  I like to point with my fist.  Much more authority.

Child's Play, Chucky

Ohhh, that fucking thing...

No no no.  Gooby is wholesome! Gooby is fun.  Gooby is life lessons.  Gooby would never violently rape a kid.

Gooby

Damnit. Not again Gooby.

Well, thanks Eugene Levy.  You ruined Teddy Bears for me.

Gooby

Hi Child. Remember how you would let your family dog hump me? Everybody got a great laugh? Spot is humping the stuffed animal.. HAHAHA. Well spot is dead.... and so are you parents.

Why is it that Gooby looks like really hairy fat guys back?

These photos don’t do this fucking monster any justice

at one point that bastard gooby throws timmy’s dead body in some leafs.

Although you got to wonder why is Eugene Levy so intently reading that toilet paper.  Does he not get how to use it?  Is this a new product to him?

He probably uses the three seashells.

AWESOME SONG OF THE DAY!

THEOPHILUS LONDON

I Stand Alone

That cleansed my brain. Thanks TL.

 

 

 

 

MOVIE AWESOMENESS: PET SEMATARY!

Posted in Awesome, awesome song of the day, awesomness, Children, Dork, Humor, Movies with tags , , , , , on February 9, 2012 by tsanda

Wow, Steve King is a worse speller than I am.  Sematary? That reminds me too much of semen. And Tary’s.  Is that a place where semens goes to die?  I thought that was what socks and hookers are for.

I Giggle While I Kill You. Creepy Fucking Evil Dead Kid.

Now this isn’t a good movie. It has this creepy kid in it that runs around giggling in the background and kills people.  If I hear little kids giggling in the background it probably means that I am violating numerous court orders…. BAM BOOM.  That joke is gold plated.  Solid B+ joke. Signed sealed and delivered.  I love how the post office advertises that they hate trees and you should to because there is nothing like the smell of opening that bill from Direct TV or the taste of that circular.  If you were going to, eat it or something.  The last time I mailed anything they found the package in some USPS store room in Atlanta.  They had decency to send me a letter staying they can look for the contents if I would like them too.  Well seeing it was filled with highly sensitive and private work documents and that would cost me nothing and about 5 seconds. No thanks box checked and then thrown away.  Although I did send this to them.

Hehehehehehe hehehehehe (giggle noises) Shivers.

So, Pet Sematary is about this place where people go to bury their dead animals and they come back to life.  It is apparently magical because non-white people either built it or own it or are it.  Non-white people are always so magical, us non-magical whites are killing me.  Just once I want to make somebody’s golf game better or remove bees from their soul.

I will try to remove bees from your soul for free.  I can’t guarantee my results, the getting the bees in there part is always a bit sticky.  Well no, thats the honey that is sticky.  The getting the bees in your heart part is bloody.  Bloody, that’s the word I was looking for.  Right there the whole time. Tip of my tongue.

I just like the idea that there is a place you can take something you once loved and make it come back to life.  Like a Food Sematary.  You eat this wonderful arbyQ and then it’s gone. Your life is over.  But maybe you could shit that burrito into the Food Sematary Toilet and it comes back to life and waits to be eaten all over again.  Wonderful Steve King cycle of life.  I mean it will suck that your burrito is going to come back evil and stab your face off with a knife and giggle all over your house.  But if you can catch it again before it slices your throat, out of rabid magical Native American reincarnation evil, it will be totally worth it.

Close your eyes and picture this evil baby as an evil burrito. With a knife and blonde hair.

AWESOME SONG OF THE DAY

Time to worship the Devil. (google it)

KANYE JAY Z WATCH THE THRONE

NIGGAS IN PARIS

if you have seizures.  sorry.

Best song of 11′ Just got Bester.

HOLIDAY AWESOMENESS PART II: HALLOWEEN PART II

Posted in Awesome, awesome song of the day, awesomness, blog, Candy, Children, comedy, Dork, Holidays, Humor, Stupid on November 1, 2010 by tsanda

The II means too you stupid asshole.

I am really sorry, wow that was so unprofessional.  If you want your money back.  Send me a $5 dollar bill.  I’ll think about it.

It doesn’t mean too? Shit it means two? What the fuck is that? Too? It is to right? Bill Nye I need you!

He didn’t come, I have no idea.  Ill just go with 2twoooto.

So last halloween I wrote about vegetable carving.  Which is still awesome.  Want to see what I did this year?

Pickles

Cutting Pickles. Forget pumpkins! This is some next level shit. I do stuff so next level you probably think it's dumb as shit. Come find me in 50 years when everybuddy is cutting pickles in half for halloween. I'll be dead but my tombstone will just say "PICKLES!"

Actually, my tombstone will be a tombstone pizza box with an LCD (cause those will still be around in 50 years) TV playing Tombstone.   NEXT LEVEL SHIT!

I went over most of my favorite things last year but there are some other awesome shits about halloween.  How about this?  You go to a strangers house, ring the door bell, and say this lovely little rhyme.

“Trick of Treat, Smell My Feet, Give Me Something Good Two (? shit not again!) Eat”

When else can you come up with that for a holiday?  Imma say this to my moms this christmas.

“Merry Christmas Honcho, Smell My Nacho, Give Me Some Chicken Tacos”

Thats it. No presents just a lot of nacho smelling and chicken tacos.  It will be magical.  Santa comin down the Chimney and fillin a picnic basket full of chicken and smellin my nacho while I sleep.  He does know when you are sleeping! He stands in the corner and watches me until I sleep.  It would be creepy but I was really good this year and I want some fucking chicken tacos.

My next favorite thing about Halloween?  It is the only time that I can give this.

CANDY

HEY KIDS! Guess what I have! No my costume is the trench coat...

To these.

Trick or Treaters

HAHA. I am going to jail.

Ahh pedder jokes.  So classy.

Im Gonna get ready for Thanksgiving.  Nothing special for thanksgiving.  Thats when Jesus gave turkey to a rabbit because it showed them how to grow crops.  Or it is about trees or something.

SEE YA.

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AWESOME SONG OF THE DAY

LIL WAYNE FT. GUCCI MANE

I do like ridiculous rap.  How redic?

“Big House Long Hallways, I’ve got 10 Bathrooms I Could Shit ALL DAY!”

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POOR CHOICE FOR A NAME AWESOMENESS: MONSTER IN MY POCKET!

Posted in Awesome, awesome song of the day, awesomness, blog, Children, Humor, Monsters, Toys with tags , , , , , on June 6, 2010 by tsanda

I have been accused, fairly at that, that I can be a bit unPC at times.  I say things that my mother would shake her head at and say “Ohhhh (fill in the blank with whatever name you fancy)((i’d go with Trevor Rodriguez, that is a man’s man’s name))) you shouldn’t say those things people will think your weird or crazy or an asshole or hilarious! I added that last part for dramatic effect.  Like thunder after lighting.  Maybe I am reading to much into this…

Monster in my pocket

Really? That's the name for a children's toy/game?

So, here is an idea.  Lets get kids okay with the phrase “monster in my pocket”. So if somebody / namely a stranger who may drive a van, or have mustache and wear a windbreaker or buys a lot of candy happens to saddle up next to little timmy at the merry go round and says,  “Hey I have a Monster in my pocket, would you like to play with it? Or see it, or touch it, or trade with yours”.  Little timmy only thinks of that toy / game he loves and says “fuck ya mister” (timmy watch your mouth).  So there is nothing wrong with toys, and monsters are pretty freaking awesome.  If it would have even just been “monsters in my pocket” not as bad, not nearly as pederass.  But that singular Monster in my Pocket, just makes my skin crawl.

So the next time this guy drives up next to your kid at the playground and successfully takes him home.  You have the children’s toy industry to thank. Your Christmas Gift to your son got him molested!

Ohhh sorry, I meant to post a picture of a person who looks like a pedifile, this is just Adam Morrison ... Wait a minute...ewwww

So there ya have it. Kids are dumb and toys peaked with crayons. Can’t get any better or less pederass. Unless of course you had a TV show where a full grown man lived in a basement and acted as a “baby sitter” …

Charles in Charge

There is a new boy in the neighbor hood, he lives downstairs and its understood that he is there just to take good care of me.....right.

HAHA who buys Charles In Charge on DVD? And when can we hang out?

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Awesome song of the Day # 119

Adam Kesher (band not person)

French Electro Pop Rock = Damn Catchy

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CHILDHOOD AWESOMENESS: TOYS THAT TEACH SKILLS!

Posted in Awesome, awesome song of the day, awesomness, blog, Children, Humor, memories, Stuff with tags , , , , , , , , , , on March 19, 2010 by tsanda

Halo, no skills taught. Kids just sitting around smoking bongs shooting rockets at each other at a prison.  What can you use that for in real life? I’m asking you.  I can wait……….

I got sick of waiting and learned some war tactics and mental visualization skills by playing a quick game of battleship with my dog.  He always sinks my battle ship! Then I throw the board across the room and pout.  I am currently pouting.  Big frowny face. Shup up eligh, I know you always win.

What else do kids do these days?  Pokeman? Digimon? Some other japanese card crap thing? That only teaches kids to be poofs who are afraid of the sun none of those animals are real… at least when I was a kid I had baby animal memory.  Great for the brain and adorable.

When I was a kid we practiced being construction workers.  Practical real world skills that we could transfer to our adult lives.

Kid Construction Worker

It's not that bad, fresh air, as many cigs as you can smoke, a sweet hat. See Timmy you too can join the working class.

Look how much fun I had? Buckets.  Which I knew how to fill and empty because of my construction skills.

My imaginary sister. What did she get? Easy-Bake oven  Now she can bake the shit out of some stuff.  And as a secret added bonus that you just don’t think about.  Changing Light Bulbs.  Think about it.  Two skills in one!  Personal Palm Computers for kids? Kids don’t have appointments! You don’t need a Palm Pre to schedule picking your nose.  I remember just fine.

Easy Bake Oven

Girls you're gonna need these skills to land a man......

Well I have effectively offended my female fans.  Ha thats a good one. Girls don’t read this. Or talk to me… More frowny face!

I really don’t party with to many children these days.  Trying to think of more stuff they do that sucks. Let me think.

FUCK.

I just googled some shit that pisses me off more than fire ants on my face.  When I was a kid nerf and super soaker where the shit. You had to convince your folks to get 2 toys to get both.  Now they have combined forces!? Whaaaa? First KFC and Taco Bell now Super Soaker and Nerf? Ohh no big d…looks like crap.  Good. That was a close call thought kids these days had a foot up on us. Nope still sucky.

Bull shit super nerfers don’t have shit on… king kong!!!  Yes, Denzel Washington, we realize that … now stop yelling that at Ethan Hawke. He is fragile and stop interrupting my blog.   I was going to say hungry hungry hippos.

Hungry Hungry Hippos

I wanna be the blue one.

How many lessons in that game?!?!?! Count em. Survival of the Fittest! ONE!.  But a good lesson, if you don’t eat as much as you can, and as much of your co-hippas food as you can.  Then you will starve to death.  What happens when there is no more food? Ughhh, play again. World resources solved yet again. I tackle the big issues move over anderson cooper.

out

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Awesome Song of the Day #111

Bonobo

Flutter

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CHILDHOOD MEMORIES AWESOMENESS: LITE BRITE !

Posted in Awesome, awesomness, Children, Humor, memories, Science, Stuff, Stupid, Toys with tags , , , , , , , , , on February 2, 2010 by tsanda

Smoke signals are sooo played out, plus too much danger of burning your eyebrows off.  Have you ever burned your eyebrows off in a freak smoke signal accident? Me neither … mine was a volcano accident (me and TLJ were fighting one in LA, no big d.  The reason smoke signals and other assorted flammable messages were done away with is because it is unfortunate to lose one’s eyebrows … also because it spawned the most disgusting personal appearance trend off all time.  Marker Eyebrows.

Marker Eyebrow

Holy hell... Jabba the Hutt drew on eyebrows. Note: hate to break it to this lovely young female, but eyebrows aren't usually flying v's. Who knows maybe she loves coach gordon bombay.

Soooo, the Science Institute of Technology in association with the American Inventors Guild Association of America purchased a zillion tiny lite bulbs (ohh I spelled it right just you wait!), put a 15 watt light bulb behind a board and cut a bunch of holes in it.  Lite Brite was born.  Their idea, important messages could be relayed to people all over the world, especially during the tough visual messaging time of the nighttime.  No more worries of explosions or burned down houses, no more windy days making your smoke message of, War Soon, and turning it into, I just shit my pants, hurry! come see.  Steven Hawking was the first to partake.

Lite Brite

Amen Brother, Amen.

Jeez, kids back when I was one, yesterday, had it so awesome.  The good life.  Lite bright? You shitting me? You could make anything with that shit. Football? DONE, Basketball? DONE, Baseball? DONE.  MR. FUCKING POTATO HEAD! DONE AND DONE SON.

Lite Brite Mr. Potato Head

I'm pretty sure that Potato with eyes, a hat, and mustache is flashing gang signs. I knew Mr. P H was a crip.

Todays Stupid Kids: Hey wanna go feed our digimons? They can die and poop! WHOOO!

Yesteryears Awesome Kids: Ughhh, fuck no.  I’m going to make images with light like a god, then bake a cupcake with a light bulb … also like a god.

Stupid Kids – Fine those awesome toys scare us, our parents won’t let us play with toys that don’t involve something shitting that we have to clean up.

Awesome Kids of Ole – Okay, I am going to play this game where a gorilla throw barrels at a tiny Italian guy.

Dog Toy That Shits

THIS TOYS LITERALLY SHITS. Parents these days actually give their kids a piece of shit for a toy. Holy F.

So yesteryear awesome kids.  Lets join hands and shoot duck hunt guns into the air.  Toys are forever ruined.  Tonight I will dry my tears in my race car bed with my GI Joe jamis.

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Awesome Song of The Day –

Awesome Song of The Day #99

Blak Roc

What You Do To me

sooo badddassszzzz!!!!!!