TERRIBLE PARENTING and CHILD AWESOMENESS: I HAVE TO POOP!

So I saw a video that is making the rounds on the world wide web. It involves the youngest member of MENSA, which I always thought stood for the Men Space Association.  Which was great cause we don’t want coodies in space.  We have enough problems to worry about with giant solar flares that are going to cause 2012.  I saw that movie.  We are fucked.  I am still trying to find John Cusack so he can wisk me to safety.  No Amanda Peet though.  That lady is annoying.  So this kid is a badass. A certified genius by the age of 3.  Loves donuts and just yells I have to poop when its time to bathroom.

Here watch this.

That kid is a spitting image of me.  Not when I was a kid… Right now.  That kid and I could hang out.  At work I keep getting dirty looks because after my morning coffee I just yell.

“Ohhh boy I have to doo doo”

Until somebody brings me a bucket or I doo doo my sweatpants. Yeah, I am allowed to wear sweatpants to my office.  I don’t get fired because I think they think I am mentally handicapped.

First thing that kid does while at the Today Show.  Eat a bakers dozen.  Who cares about meeting Al Roker.  Those fucking donuts have frosting and sprinkles!

What about that kids horrible parents.  Their kid is screaming I have to shit my fucking pants on national television and what do they do.  Tell her to shut the fuck up and stop ruining their moment for making such a smart baby.  At one point the dad like a smug piece of shit says.  “I’m sorry about this” What! You’re sorry that your just passed being a baby child has to crap and she isn’t being more polite about it????  I wish that kid would have just dropped trow and shit all over her dads feet.  Then flipped him off and yelled I’m out.  That’s what I would do.  Probably why I wasn’t invited back to the today show for my amazing lowest IQ score ever.  I posted it on my fridge.  That interviewer is a cunt too. That is a harsh word.  I know my mom told me not to use it unless I am talking about draculas.  But that skank face couldn’t roll with the punches either.  Ohh your tummy hurts.  Well stop ruining my bit! I don’t want to go back to ring girl at the holiday inn cage fights.  I wish a car came through that building and took out that kids parents and the interviewer.  That car would be driven by Steven Hawkings mind.  He would bring her to MENSA head quarters and she could eat all the donuts her heart desires and then cure cancer.  That kid rules.

I want a bakers two dozen.  That’s 43 donuts.  Hey, I didn’t make up the math.

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AWESOME SONG OF THE DAY

ROMAN CANDLE

THEY SAY

I wish I could sing and not make windows break and heads explode.  It is my greatest power and my greatest downfall.  Ohh sweet justice.

 

 

DEAR FUCKING GOD GOOBY IS SCARY!

Apparently World-Fest Film Festival in Houston is entirely populated by members who hate children and terror free nights.  Kids have enough to be scared of without having teddy bears all of a sudden being horrifying.  I mean I am only partially still a kid.

Bill Nye – Partially being a kid doesn’t really make sense Mr.  When you turn 18 you really are an adult.

Mr. (me) – Well by partially I mean I still wet my bed occasionally twice a night.  I like to one night stand ladies.  Instead of a note by the door, it’s a wet mattress.

Bill Nye – I think that just makes you disgusting.

Me – I eat crayons and glue?

Bill Nye – You’re probably going to die soon.  How often do you eat that?

Me – How often is dinner?

Bill Nye ….

Yea, I love shutting that brainiac up.  I kept spelling brainiac, braniac.  Which is also true.  I love me some fucking bran muffins.  COB, a little sexy bowl of Cracklin Oat Bran.  Really gives me boners.

You see that fold by the crotchal and left leg? Not a fold. Me blastin through. If you could see me I am holding up a hand for a high five.... i'll wait.

I bet gooby would wear those pants.

Who the fuck is this gooby character you are talking about.

Satan.

In simple terms.  Satan.

Movie executive: Let us make a wholesome family film.  As a basis we will make a children’s toy comes to life and teach a spunky youngin to live life to the fullest and not be scared of any obstacles.  Even Eugene Levy.

This sounds oddly familiar.  Kids toy.  Coming to life?…

Can’t quite put my fist on it.  I don’t like to point with a finger.  I like to point with my fist.  Much more authority.

Ohhh, that fucking thing...

No no no.  Gooby is wholesome! Gooby is fun.  Gooby is life lessons.  Gooby would never violently rape a kid.

Damnit. Not again Gooby.

Well, thanks Eugene Levy.  You ruined Teddy Bears for me.

Hi Child. Remember how you would let your family dog hump me? Everybody got a great laugh? Spot is humping the stuffed animal.. HAHAHA. Well spot is dead.... and so are you parents.

Why is it that Gooby looks like really hairy fat guys back?

These photos don’t do this fucking monster any justice

at one point that bastard gooby throws timmy’s dead body in some leafs.

Although you got to wonder why is Eugene Levy so intently reading that toilet paper.  Does he not get how to use it?  Is this a new product to him?

He probably uses the three seashells.

…

AWESOME SONG OF THE DAY!

THEOPHILUS LONDON

I Stand Alone

That cleansed my brain. Thanks TL.

 

 

 

 

MOVIE AWESOMENESS: PET SEMATARY!

Wow, Steve King is a worse speller than I am.  Sematary? That reminds me too much of semen. And Tary’s.  Is that a place where semens goes to die?  I thought that was what socks and hookers are for.

I Giggle While I Kill You. Creepy Fucking Evil Dead Kid.

Now this isn’t a good movie. It has this creepy kid in it that runs around giggling in the background and kills people.  If I hear little kids giggling in the background it probably means that I am violating numerous court orders…. BAM BOOM.  That joke is gold plated.  Solid B+ joke. Signed sealed and delivered.  I love how the post office advertises that they hate trees and you should to because there is nothing like the smell of opening that bill from Direct TV or the taste of that circular.  If you were going to, eat it or something.  The last time I mailed anything they found the package in some USPS store room in Atlanta.  They had decency to send me a letter staying they can look for the contents if I would like them too.  Well seeing it was filled with highly sensitive and private work documents and that would cost me nothing and about 5 seconds. No thanks box checked and then thrown away.  Although I did send this to them.

Hehehehehehe hehehehehe (giggle noises) Shivers.

So, Pet Sematary is about this place where people go to bury their dead animals and they come back to life.  It is apparently magical because non-white people either built it or own it or are it.  Non-white people are always so magical, us non-magical whites are killing me.  Just once I want to make somebody’s golf game better or remove bees from their soul.

I will try to remove bees from your soul for free.  I can’t guarantee my results, the getting the bees in there part is always a bit sticky.  Well no, thats the honey that is sticky.  The getting the bees in your heart part is bloody.  Bloody, that’s the word I was looking for.  Right there the whole time. Tip of my tongue.

I just like the idea that there is a place you can take something you once loved and make it come back to life.  Like a Food Sematary.  You eat this wonderful arbyQ and then it’s gone. Your life is over.  But maybe you could shit that burrito into the Food Sematary Toilet and it comes back to life and waits to be eaten all over again.  Wonderful Steve King cycle of life.  I mean it will suck that your burrito is going to come back evil and stab your face off with a knife and giggle all over your house.  But if you can catch it again before it slices your throat, out of rabid magical Native American reincarnation evil, it will be totally worth it.

Close your eyes and picture this evil baby as an evil burrito. With a knife and blonde hair.

AWESOME SONG OF THE DAY

Time to worship the Devil. (google it)

KANYE JAY Z WATCH THE THRONE

NIGGAS IN PARIS

if you have seizures.  sorry.

Best song of 11′ Just got Bester.