CANDY AWESOMENESS: MINI ROLOS!

I am notorious for being easy to please.  Con Air is on again? Well, so much for my daughter’s birthday.  Well, honestly I actually got her the Con Air blue ray for her birthday.  Which is basically the best birthday ever, I’d say.  She disagreed and wanted sour patch kids, or cabbage patch kids or something like that… So welcome to adoption little miss bossy pants!

That last group of sentences is actually why I will never be allowed to offspring with somebody.

So I was at K-mart buying new headphones and trying not to get stabbed or talked to by anybody.  I decided lunch was going to be (yes, you have read this right, somehow my lunch was originating from K-mart) candy.  Sometimes a lunch of candy is just what no doctor anywhere ordered.  I like the riddles skittles.  I like how skittles make my jaw hurt.  No pain no gain! That’s what my cat always says.  I have no idea what the riddles part is though.

Whoa, what do I see?  Mini fucking Rolos! Kablamo! (or insert your own sound of excitement)  Although it is odd.  Shooting off shotguns inside a K-Mart is actually legal and appropriate behavior.

You had me at lunch at K-Mart.

Finally.  The three things I have always been missing in my life.  Not knowing the actual size of a candy I was about to buy.  Don’t you hate when you accidently buy 3′ wide Werthers and the duffle bag they came in didn’t notify you of this? 2. I didn’t number 1, I hope this makes sense.  They show with a picture that their claim to contain chocolate and carmel is not fully bullshit.  I need visual proof.  I might believe in Jesus on faith, but not fucking hidden carmel.  Final thought. They are unwrapped! Although I feel bad for the indian children who lost their jobs wrapping Rolo’s.  I always thought it was fucking nonsense that I had to open this candy and then unwrap more candy.  I’m looking right at you Starbursts.  I’m not into physical activity or puzzles.  How do you open this tiny little candy origami? WHAT! I have to do it 8 more times! Ugh uncontrollable vomiting.

Just when I think I have lost all faith in American ingenuity the Rolo Corporation brings it back to a very modest level.  USA!

Who wants musics!

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Awesome Song of the Day #something

Motorama

Alps

Yeah! I’m back! I haven’t done this since May? What is wrong with me.

Well I ate candy lunch from K-Mart.  Alot.

Until the next time.

 

 

KINDA CANDY AWESOMENESS: COTTON CANDY!

Lets not get ahead of ourselves here people.  I don’t like cotton candy.  It makes me teeth feel like they are burning out of my skull.  I only like that feeling from meth.  You wonder where I got my spacey / yellow teeth, yep meth, nope cotton candy.  I don’t like the taste of that shit, but I do like the idea of cotton candy.  I like the fact that somebody so wanted to eat one of their sweaters, (nope no google images of someone eating a sweater) that they decided to create a candy based on cotton.  I think denim candy didn’t fly and cashmere as we all know is already delicious.

Cashmere goats? Who would have thunked it? I sorta thought they came from the same place as my boots. Sears.

Another sweet facet of the cotton candy empire.  It reminds people of clouds.  Clouds are so fluffy and pink that people just want to put them in their mouths.  I have in fact never actually seen any clouds so this is just second hand information that a drunk Bill Nye told me.  A drunk Bill Nye has been known to tell a few white lies to make me look bad.  So I may need to investigate this whole clouds thing.

Where was I?  Ahh yea Colorado.

This boy/girl so loves cotton candy he became the megaman of cotton candy.

Local News: Tonight’s top story, some ass hole and a drunk Bill Nye ate local boys cotton candy hands.  They were heard discussing the color of clouds while eating.  But they had to yell at each other to drown out the boys screaming.  Eye witnesses said the boy tasted light and airy and supposedly he gave Bill Nye a stomach ache.

I am not a monster but when people have food for hands I always accidently eat them.  It is my achilles heel or my pandoras box or my Pearl Harbor.  That last one doesn’t make sense but it sounds damn good.  Makes people think about Ben Affleck and people like that guy.  If they like that guy that means they will like this guy (ME!)

My new blog.  Ben Affleck all day everyday.

Blog Post number 1.

BEN AFFLECK, BEN AFFLECK, BEN AFFLECK.

Now I just sit back and watch the hits come in.

I’ve been watching my hits and right now it is at 32, which is aight.  They are all from Ben Affleck though.  Which is fine. Small victories I say.

Bye

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AWESOME SONG OF THE DAY #138

ADAM KESHER

GRAVY TRAIN

french pop dance time.

HOLIDAY AWESOMENESS PART II: HALLOWEEN PART II

The II means too you stupid asshole.

I am really sorry, wow that was so unprofessional.  If you want your money back.  Send me a $5 dollar bill.  I’ll think about it.

It doesn’t mean too? Shit it means two? What the fuck is that? Too? It is to right? Bill Nye I need you!

He didn’t come, I have no idea.  Ill just go with 2twoooto.

So last halloween I wrote about vegetable carving.  Which is still awesome.  Want to see what I did this year?

Cutting Pickles. Forget pumpkins! This is some next level shit. I do stuff so next level you probably think it's dumb as shit. Come find me in 50 years when everybuddy is cutting pickles in half for halloween. I'll be dead but my tombstone will just say "PICKLES!"

Actually, my tombstone will be a tombstone pizza box with an LCD (cause those will still be around in 50 years) TV playing Tombstone.   NEXT LEVEL SHIT!

I went over most of my favorite things last year but there are some other awesome shits about halloween.  How about this?  You go to a strangers house, ring the door bell, and say this lovely little rhyme.

“Trick of Treat, Smell My Feet, Give Me Something Good Two (? shit not again!) Eat”

When else can you come up with that for a holiday?  Imma say this to my moms this christmas.

“Merry Christmas Honcho, Smell My Nacho, Give Me Some Chicken Tacos”

Thats it. No presents just a lot of nacho smelling and chicken tacos.  It will be magical.  Santa comin down the Chimney and fillin a picnic basket full of chicken and smellin my nacho while I sleep.  He does know when you are sleeping! He stands in the corner and watches me until I sleep.  It would be creepy but I was really good this year and I want some fucking chicken tacos.

My next favorite thing about Halloween?  It is the only time that I can give this.

HEY KIDS! Guess what I have! No my costume is the trench coat...

To these.

HAHA. I am going to jail.

Ahh pedder jokes.  So classy.

Im Gonna get ready for Thanksgiving.  Nothing special for thanksgiving.  Thats when Jesus gave turkey to a rabbit because it showed them how to grow crops.  Or it is about trees or something.

SEE YA.

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AWESOME SONG OF THE DAY

LIL WAYNE FT. GUCCI MANE

I do like ridiculous rap.  How redic?

“Big House Long Hallways, I’ve got 10 Bathrooms I Could Shit ALL DAY!”

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