Archive for the Bugs Category

SCIENCE AWESOMENESS: THE TREE LOBSTER!

Posted in Awesome, awesome song of the day, awesomness, Bugs, comedy, Humor, News, Science, Stuff, Stupid with tags , , , , , , , , , , on December 3, 2012 by tsanda

I can’t really say I’ve ever cared much for lobsters. I don’t get the fuss over their taste and it just seems weird that we boil them alive for better taste.  I don’t think any of the 11,746 chickens I’ve consumed in my life were ever boiled alive.  It supposedly locks in their soul which makes a great internal gravy. I am getting screwed!

So how do you get my attention? Ohh, the Tree Lobster.  You read that right.  Unless you are illiterate; and then you read that as lkajdkljiljrkldsjlfiaejlasdkfn. What prey-tell is a Tree Lobster? It is only a gigantic dude of a bug that was sick of turning extinct by humans so it hid on a tiny rock cliff island.  But that stupid son of a bitch didn’t realize we humans will search for a lifetime and not stop at anything to extinct everything.  USA! USA! USA!

Tree Lobster

Action shot of a scientist killing Tree Lobsters the only way science knows of. Fist punching the Thorax.

Science tells us that Tree Lobsters need to be capitalized because they are proper nouns. The More You Know, dum deeedle dum dooo (or however you write that jingle in words).  To bad NBC wasn’t trying to teach people the proper image for a floating rainbow star; and they say rap music corrupts minds.

The best part of the Tree Lobster? Where they live.  Balls Pyramid Island.

Balls.  That is all.

Balls. That is all.

I don’t think i’ve been more giddy about information in my life.  Giant bugs that live on Balls Island and it is the coolest looking island of all time. To bad we are going to extinct those bugs and put a Wal-Mart out there.  But ocean pirates need great deals on Bissels too.  Bissels just work great. The suction is wonderful and they come in just jazzy colors.

I would scream like a boiled alive lobster if I saw one of those things. Giant bugs should stay where they belong.  Balls island.

Woot Woot!

Awesome Song of the Day

Big Boi Ft. Kid Cudi

She Hates Me

“If you can hate on anybody, girl, I am glad it was me.”

Big Boi has been doing this for 20 years and it is pitiful how underrated he is.  Outkast for life.

 

 

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MY PALM READING EXPERIENCE: I AM GOING TO DIE!

Posted in Awesome, awesome song of the day, awesomness, Bugs, Humor, Monsters, Stuff, Stupid with tags , , , , , , , , , on March 19, 2012 by tsanda

Whoa, talk about downer.  I thought it was going to be a little more elaborate.  She laid her one eye on me.  No, she wasn’t missing an eye like a psychic should.  Eye patch and all.  She was a cyclops.

Cyclops

I will eat you!... that's not much of a future reading....

Why are cyclopes always so ugly?

Scott Summers, Cyclops, X-men

Ahhh Much Better.

I walk into this palm reading place.  The psychic asks me to remove my hulk hands before we start.  Something about not being able to read through them.  Whatever lady, its hulk hands or nothing.  Then I smash them together and inform her as politely as the giant foam hands can.  “Hulk Smash”.  She finally convinces me to remove the hulk hands.  She tells me to wash the ketchup and mustards from my finger tips.  It is grossing her out.  Can’t blame a guy for loving 2 for 2 hotdogs at 7-11.

She then just says.  You’re going to die.  I ask her how she knows that.  She shows me my palms and my palm lines spell out in plain english. “Your going to die”  I knew it was my future because they misspelled you’re.  Whoa.  I guess I just figured it was a coincidence all these years.  I wink at her and told her that hairy palm shit is a fucking myth.  Then try to give her a high five and she refuses.  Bitch.

I ask her how it happens.  She said that the future is hazy about the actual death mode.  But it’s either.  1. Sleeping.  Hell no. Boring. 2. Skiing off a cliff.  Pretty fucking cool, as long as at the bottom of the cliff I crash through a ski lodge and land in the cozy fire.  Right after some guy says. “This needs another log.” The only problem I don’t ski. 3. Helicopter crash into a shark infested volcano! I’ll take it.

Can somebody please take my body and explode it if I do die in my sleep.  I gotta go out like I live.  Exploding.

What.

End!

AWESOME SONG OF THE DAY

VAN SHE

SEX CITY

Yes this is also Vanished by Crystal Castles.  But Crystal Castles, who got beat jacked by Timbaland also beat jacked these guys.  Sooo I don’t really feel bad for CC.

 

CLOTHING AWESOMENESS: SILK!

Posted in Awesome, awesome song of the day, awesomness, blog, Bugs, comedy, Humor, Stuff on January 27, 2011 by tsanda

Silk rubs your thighs like a magical cloud of sexual arousal. But unfortunately when you get sexual arousal while wearing silk pants it shows.  So I gotta tape me junk to my leg.  Yes, I do have to use lots of duck tape.  No, I never undo it… that would hurt like ripping duck tape off my dick.  So the ladies just use their imaginations.

Science facts tell us that silk comes from worms.  Silk worms. Go figure.  Worms? Worms shit out my sheets?

Silk Worms

I understand eating them, or rubbing them in my hair for vitality... but wearing them? I guess.

I like silk more when I thought it came from black holes in space.  Why would you laugh at that? something has to happen in black holes.  It can’t just be the end of everything.  See I thought matter goes in, silk comes out.  Another dream crushed.  Yes,  I dream about space silk. What do you dream about? Tea parties with dead aunts? LAME.

Why is it that the coolest stuff comes from worms? Silk… … … … You can eat them? They can get cut in half and live. They eat dirt.  I ate dirt once.

Now that I know all about silk.  I think it’s cool that worms butts make really expensive stuff.  I’ve been flushing my butt stuff for years.  Here i could have been weaving it into clothes this whole time.  I can start my own clothing line and get rid of that toilet that wastes so much water.  It will be a very green company.  I mean brown… but that doesn’t have the same ring to it.

Poop shirts

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AWESOME SONG OF THE DAY # 150!!!!!

That’s a big number.  Half the way to a thousand.

NEON INDIAN

MIND, DRIPS

 

NORTHERN COLORADO AWESOMENESS: MINIATURE PANDA COWS!

Posted in Animals, Awesome, awesome song of the day, awesomness, blog, Bugs, comedy, Dork, Humor, Nature on January 3, 2011 by tsanda

Colorado just shit on you, son! Colorado is doing big things.  Watch your back Missouri.  I was born, raised and currently live in the fine State of square shape.  Colorado.  We have a lot going for us:  Mountains, scenic vistas, just recently the internet and the occasional El Chupacabra sighting.  I am here which is not to shabby either.  Tourists and nuns come the world over to get a glance of my ass.  There are 24 moles on my bottom that look just like Jesus, I actually think they look like Nanny Mcphee but I do have to look in a mirror which turns everything around.  Colorado is the biggest, most populated, highest elevation and danciest State in the Union.  I got those numbers from a unpublished book that I wrote.  So, it is true facts because they are from a book, but they aren’t published yet….sooo hang tight.

Just when you thought Colorado couldn’t shit on your state anymore?  Yup miniature panda cow!

UGHHH! SUCK ON SOME PANDA COWS.

Wait a tick. Is that just a cow that is black and white? Like 75% of all the cows that I ate for lunch today?  Whatever, I am running with it. According to the news outlets those cows sell for $30,000! I only have one question.  How does it taste? I can get 30,000 square cows from wendy’s for that price so I want to make sure that this is a good deal.  Okay, so for 30,000 you will also throw in a miniature camel giraffe and 4 over sized ardvarks?  Okay, these are terms I understand. Deal.

Why do feel the need to make everything miniature?

Answer. These pictures.

They are funny because they are small.

hmmm. i disagree with myself. King Sized snickers are way better. Fuck you me. Liar.

What can I say other than Colorado has way cooler cows than you do.  If there was a best state contest, Colorado’s talent would be miniature cows and fist punching.  Take your pick, you lose either way.

USA USA USA USA!

Out

AWESOME SONG OF THE DAY #141

more JAIL WEDDINGS!

I Thought You Were Somebody

 

BUG AWESOMENESS: ANTS!

Posted in Awesome, awesome song of the day, awesomness, blog, Bugs, comedy, Dork, Humor, Nature on November 14, 2010 by tsanda

Ants are like the me of the bug world.  They can lift 400x their body weight. I am super swole.  You ever hear about those ladies who pick up cars to save babies.  Those were actually all me.  I have this thing where I love putting babies under cars and then saving them.  I call it baby under car.  I don’t like a lot of attention so I grab the nearest lady and raise her arm and yell.  “News people, this lady did that!” She goes, as most women do, “Don’t touch me, weirdo!” Then I open a man hole (not sexually, don’t even go there! ) and drop down and run away through the sewers.

You know a good way to escape?  Sewers and man holes.  You can easily get away from anything.  You only have to watch out for C.H.U.Ds

CHUD

C.H.U.D. The scariest part of sewer escapes. Unless you have a mini. And a bazooka. The C.H.U.D is not immune to missile projectiles and cannot outrun a mini. Those things are zippy!

You should take some time out of your next day to grab a magnifying glass and an ant.  They are abundant and they are probably in your cupboards right now eating your cereal.  Thats where I get mine.  They just love Cinnamon Toast Crunch.  ME TOO!

Look at them; armored plated, chainsaw faces.  They can eat wood! Leaves! spiders! I am sure there is nothing they can’t eat.  No! I take that back…Fire….They can’t eat fire.  I used my magnifying glass to feed my ants some fire and they exploded.  JOKE WARNING: PROBABLY FROM HEART BURN! ZING!

But on a serious note they died. We held a lovely ceremony in a park.  I sang Ave Maria.  The butterflies came, the caterpillar got way to drunk and the moth flew into a bug zapper.  We had to have two funerals that day.  It was rough.  Give me second.  It is still a fresh wound….

Okay, I am back how awesome are ants teeth!

I've been trying to get the plastic surgeon to do this to my face for years. Apparently this technology isn't available yet. So I got a sweet pair of huge boobs.

So if you can’t make your face ant like you might as well tattoo ants all over your face…right…I guess…

You know the ants look normal next to the push pins in my face.

I am starting to think I have more in common with ants than I do with humans.  Which would explain my obsession with the comic ant man. Cause no other humans like that.  Do ants have a comic Human Man?

ANTS LOVE CANDY! SO DO I! SHIT! AM I AN ANT?

Candy with Ants on it

Holy shit. I am going to be come an ant dentist. CHA CHING.

READY FOR MUSIC!?

AWESOME SONG OF THE DAY #139

MARK MALLMAN – ETERNAL MOONSHINE

saw this guy live last night for the first time. Definitely not the last.  This guy is an entertainer and his music is awesome

He literally makes musical love to the keyboard.  Words can’t explain.

—–

 

 

 

watch out for C.H.U.Ds.

 

BUG AWESOMENESS: PRAYING MANTISESESES!

Posted in awesomness, blog, Bugs, Dork, Humor with tags , , , , , , on March 22, 2010 by tsanda

The eseses is for many.  Extra plural.  I am a pretty big fan of bugs.  Lots of cool ones.  They can lay eggs in your back.  They can fly, they can be ladies and they can eat your face off after make babies.  WHOOOAAOOO! The death after baby making makes me cringe a bit but the face eating part is neat.  I wish more animals ate faces it is such an under utilized death method.  Poison this, claws that, eat when already dead.  So many animals are lame.  Yeah I am talking at you Vultures.

Vultures

Nature Pic: Kids this Picture is of Vultures sucking. Ohh you kill that? Nope? Hope you get food poisoning.

Don’t believe me that praying mantisie, singular silly, eat faces after the thing they do in private? Called sexual cannibalism, just learned that on wiki.  Luckily for me there is nothing called Masturbation Cannibalism, bad news on many fronts.  Well just the dead me part and least I went out how I came into this world….. I’m gonna give you a second cause that paragraph is incredible, filled with jokes and stuff …I loved it.

Hmmmm changing subjects now.

Praying Mantis in fact don’t pray, they are in fact atheists.  They watched the Bill Maher movie and swore off god for good.

More facts: Praying Mantis”””ssss are actually terrible boxers.  I am 7,988,988 – 1 in my bouts with 1 NC, jerk threw sand in my eyes.  Then I went to my knees and rubbed my eyes and yelled for dramatic effect.  Like…..

AHHH MY EYES! DAMN YOU EVIL MANTIS, I WILL SAY IT BUT I WON'T LIKE IT.......KUMATA!!!!!

For a post about Bugs I sure don’t have a lot of pictures of them. It is because they are disgusting and eat weird shit.  What ever happened to bugs liking rotten fruit or dead animals? What the crap is this?

Praying Mantis

Ewwww. Bugs. I bet I will win in our boxing matchup later.

AHHH SHIT! THERE WAS A LAST MINUTE MANTIS REPLACEMENT DAMNIT!

Humans only predators: 1) Predators, 2) Giant Praying Mantis'zz'zs. Just stay away from him when he is horny.

Dear lord that word is hard to pluralize.

Im done with this!

Time to fight some bugs.

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Awesome Song of the Day # 112

MAGIC MAN

NEST

only 45 view getting you in on the ground floor. Your fucking welcome.

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CANDY AWESOMENESS: GUMMY WORMS!

Posted in Awesome, awesomness, blog, Bugs with tags , , , , , , , , , , on January 13, 2010 by tsanda

That last post made me want to eat…soooo…..

We live in a wonderful time.  You can eat anything you want. Fungus that grows on shit? = Mushrooms.  Bull Testicles? = Rocky Mountain Oysters (note: my folks in the capital of Rocky Mountain Oysters: Severance, CO. where the motto is “where the geese fly and the bulls cry”.  Genius.  They should add were I get sick to my stomach to that slogan.)  AND!  It doesn’t stop there! Long fake sugar worms!  Not only that but you can get them in nearly any color.  Even colors that don’t exist yet. I love how somebody saw this:

Worms

I see this and I think of snacking!

And that made them think of this:

Gummy Worms

Good Enough For Fish Well Good Enough For Me!

Hmmm what is the most appetizing food available?  Yep Worms. I wish there was a way I could feed those to my kids!  Maybe stick one up my nose?   Don’t tell me you haven’t done it.  What I love about candy is it’s just sugar.  People feel bad about eating sugar out of a bag or jar.  But make it look like a gross bug and it’s really awesome and should be shared with your friends at lunch.  Well, fuck that I want gummy turds.  Cause if we are gonna be Americans we need to go all out and pull out all the stops…why stop with worms? The sky is the limit.

Moment of Seriousness: Thoughts are with those in Haiti.  Give to relief if you can.

End!

Awesome Song of The Day #90

Broken Bells (Dude From The Shins and Danger Mouse ((Genius)))

The High Road

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