Archive for the Bill Nye Category

MARS ROVER AWESOMENESS: ALIEN WW3!

Posted in Aliens, Awesome, awesome song of the day, awesomness, Bill Nye, Monsters, Science, Space with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on November 26, 2012 by tsanda

I am really damn excited for the Mars Rover.  You bet your ass I am topical as hell! Current events, son!

 

Mars Rover

That Rover has Space Dementia!

Nobody talks about the 80 trillion dollar Robocop we put on Mars to take this photograph.

We, yes we, the North Americans minus Polar Bears and Canada dropped a fucking RC Racer onto the Mars and are currently exploring the shit out of it.  Finding monsters and aliens and Spocks all damn day.

Bill Nye: Nearly none of that is true. Ass.

Me: Hey! Bill. Shut up.  Well after you tell me which part I am right about….

Bill Nye: Polar Bears and Canada didn’t help.

Me: Duh. Polar Bears are dumb as hell and Canada is poor. USA! USA! USA!

Bill Nye: Jeez. No Monsters or Aliens or singular Spock either. It just rolls around at 2″ per second and cores the soil and takes measurements.

Me: Ugh. Boring. 2″ a second?  It would take that hoss all of 6 seconds to measure my….

Bill: Gross.

Me: You cut me off.  Dick.

Bill: Yea, we got that.

Me: USA USA USA!

Bill: ….

Don’t worry.  Mr. Nye left.  Sometimes he can’t handle talking science with me.  Like when I beat NAS in rap battles. Which are usually about Bill Nye wearing tie dye while drinking a mai tai.

NAS: …… ( silence just like the end of 8 Mile )

I like explaining written jokes.  Means they are good.

The only really cool thing that is going to come from the Mars Rover is now Aliens on other planets can see we are getting pretty cool over here on Earth and it is time to blow us up.  Which I mean is really all anybody can ask for in this life.

MUSIC!

AWESOME SONG OF THE DAY

MOTORAMA

GHOST (Acoustic)

Easily my current favorite band.  Mind blowing.

Have a lovely Thanksgiving next year.  Like to get it out of the way early.

Bye!

BINARY AWESOMENESS: 10101000100101010100!!!!!

Posted in Awesome, awesome song of the day, awesomness, Bill Nye, blog, comedy, Dork, Humor, Internet Photographs, Technology, What the Fuck? with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on May 16, 2012 by tsanda

1001010101010010101010101010101010100000011111101010111010101010001101010000000100000111111101010101001011110101010

1010101100101010100000001111101010000101010101010101010101000001011101110001110001101010

10100101

“10001110100101010000110001”

“100010011101110000011101010101”

Binary, Blog, Humor, Jokes, Humor, Awesomeness

0001001110101001010101 101001010101010!!!

11010010010011010100001010101010001111111111110111111111011111110000010101010 01 10100 0101 10 10 10 100000111010 1010101 010101

010101010 101 101010010101 0101

101010 1010 01 011111000 10101 01 010 10 01010010101

0101 101 0010011000 10101001

01010101

Binary, Blog, Humor, Jokes, Humor, Awesomeness

10101010101 10101 01010101010

10101 00101 01010 101001 01 010 10 10  23827828917189728179838928972817  10 1010010101 1010 10101 100010100101 01010 010100101010

0101010

10101

101010 100100 1010

Binary, Blog, Humor, Jokes, Humor, Awesomeness

1010101010101????

10101!!!

1010 1010101010!

1100101010

1001010

—-

 

 

Bill Nye “what the fuck is wrong with you?”

“1001010010”

FOOD AWESOMENESS: A SMORGASBORD!

Posted in Awesome, awesome song of the day, awesomness, Bill Nye, blog, comedy, Dork, Explosions, Food, Humor, Science, Stuff, Stupid with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , on April 16, 2012 by tsanda

First and foremost. Go see Cabin in the Woods.  It is amazing.  I won’t tell you anything else.  You just have to go see it.  Then see it immediately again.

Know what I looked like after seeing it?

Scanners, Head Explosion

I am nice dresser when I go to the cinema.

I like food.  I post about it often.  Food makes our bodies work. It make us poop and fart and those things are half my material. It tastes great. It is awesome to have somebody drive my food to my house so I don’t have to stop watching the Real Housewives or Colombo.  It fuels my muscles so I can tear apart phone books at will or do a circuit of shirtless jumping jacks for the babes at the park.

Sigh.

It is usually really restrictive though. Like I order a pizza and they never just stop at chipotle and dairy queen for me on the way.  A man doesn’t have just one craving.  Men are hungry and indecisive. Who can save the day? Ikea.  I mean swedish people.

A smorgasbord is literally a giant table full of any food you want or can fit on the table.  It is all of my human desires laying on a table. You can’t be wrong on a smorgasbord.  Don’t have turkey on Thanksgiving?

Scanners, Head Explosion

NO TURKEY!!??!?!?! AHHHHHH BLAMO! Damn It Uncle Phil. You got brains on the nice table cloth again...

Don’t have jelly beans on your smorgasbord? No big deal.  We got Sour Patch Kids, 3 Dominos Pizzas and a half sour gallon of milk mixed with snapple and robatussin.

Even the word itself is fucking incredible.

“The Swedish word smörgåsbord consists of the words smörgås (open-faced sandwich) and bord (table). Smörgås in turn consists of the wordssmör (butter) and gås (goose). Gås literally means goose, but later referred to the small pieces of butter that formed and floated to the surface of cream while it was churned”

So it’s genieology is from an open faced sandwich on a table.  Great start.  What does open faced sandwich come from? Ohhh just a little butter goose.   Goose is gas? You already know how I feel about gas.

You could have a grilled cheese, Karl Malone, beggin strips, beanie weenies, a rocket launcher, lox, cake frosting, Dorito Tacos, a vhs copy of Tombstone recorded from TNT with the commercials, Wendy’s spicy chicken, a live chicken and a dead chicken to keep that fucking live chicken in line, dunkaroos, Ed 209, saltines, Mr. Pibb, 72 ounce steak, astronaut food, pop tarts and toaster struedal together as friends and everybody at the table would hold hands and thank some viking god, smergan flergan mcdergan (he’s partially scottish) and nobody would question anything.

Could you imagine the look on Bill Nye’s face when walking into our Valentines day Smorgasbord?

Well I’d have to take the velvet blindfold and handcuffs off first.  But then…

Bill Nye's head exploding. Scanners, Head Explosion

AHHHH SCIENCE! KAPOW!

I assume Bill Nye will yell Ahhh Science prior to dying. Why? Well it’s our safety word.

On that note.

AWESOME SONG OF THE DAY

Julian Plenti

Only If You Run

Whey are you reading this? Go see Cabin in the Woods!

 

DEAR FUCKING GOD GOOBY IS SCARY!

Posted in Awesome, awesome song of the day, awesomness, Bill Nye, blog, Children, comedy, Dork, Humor, Toys, What the Fuck? with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on April 2, 2012 by tsanda

Apparently World-Fest Film Festival in Houston is entirely populated by members who hate children and terror free nights.  Kids have enough to be scared of without having teddy bears all of a sudden being horrifying.  I mean I am only partially still a kid.

Bill Nye – Partially being a kid doesn’t really make sense Mr.  When you turn 18 you really are an adult.

Mr. (me) – Well by partially I mean I still wet my bed occasionally twice a night.  I like to one night stand ladies.  Instead of a note by the door, it’s a wet mattress.

Bill Nye – I think that just makes you disgusting.

Me – I eat crayons and glue?

Bill Nye – You’re probably going to die soon.  How often do you eat that?

Me – How often is dinner?

Bill Nye ….

Yea, I love shutting that brainiac up.  I kept spelling brainiac, braniac.  Which is also true.  I love me some fucking bran muffins.  COB, a little sexy bowl of Cracklin Oat Bran.  Really gives me boners.

Jeans with built in underwear

You see that fold by the crotchal and left leg? Not a fold. Me blastin through. If you could see me I am holding up a hand for a high five.... i'll wait.

I bet gooby would wear those pants.

Who the fuck is this gooby character you are talking about.

Satan.

In simple terms.  Satan.

Movie executive: Let us make a wholesome family film.  As a basis we will make a children’s toy comes to life and teach a spunky youngin to live life to the fullest and not be scared of any obstacles.  Even Eugene Levy.

This sounds oddly familiar.  Kids toy.  Coming to life?…

Can’t quite put my fist on it.  I don’t like to point with a finger.  I like to point with my fist.  Much more authority.

Child's Play, Chucky

Ohhh, that fucking thing...

No no no.  Gooby is wholesome! Gooby is fun.  Gooby is life lessons.  Gooby would never violently rape a kid.

Gooby

Damnit. Not again Gooby.

Well, thanks Eugene Levy.  You ruined Teddy Bears for me.

Gooby

Hi Child. Remember how you would let your family dog hump me? Everybody got a great laugh? Spot is humping the stuffed animal.. HAHAHA. Well spot is dead.... and so are you parents.

Why is it that Gooby looks like really hairy fat guys back?

These photos don’t do this fucking monster any justice

at one point that bastard gooby throws timmy’s dead body in some leafs.

Although you got to wonder why is Eugene Levy so intently reading that toilet paper.  Does he not get how to use it?  Is this a new product to him?

He probably uses the three seashells.

AWESOME SONG OF THE DAY!

THEOPHILUS LONDON

I Stand Alone

That cleansed my brain. Thanks TL.

 

 

 

 

TIME AWESOMENESS: DAY LIGHT SAVINGS TIME!

Posted in Awesome, awesome song of the day, awesomness, Bill Nye, comedy, Dork, Humor, Nature, Science, Stupid with tags , , , , , , , on March 3, 2012 by tsanda

My supervisor told me yesterday that next weekend is Day Light Savings Time. After one of these.

Hooray for something! My office is a sunsetey beach? Well, technically having to pick up trash while chained to other people next to a guy on a horse with a shotgun isn't really considered a "job" persay. But my folks like to tell other people that I work outside.

Followed by one of these:

An Asian Grandpa taking a doo doo? Well jumping for joy makes me diarrhea prone and that photo is incredible. I hope they won that pulitzer.

I realized that I am pretty sure she is waiting for me to be an hour late and or early.  I like to game time decision whether or not I am going to fall forward or spring back. Routine is for suckers.  Although if you are 1 hour early to work nobody cares.  14 seconds late and you’re out looking for raccoons to eat.

Bill Nye: “That science doesn’t make sense.”

Me: “Well, you’re late, so you get fired.  Then you need something to wipe your tears away with and raccoon hides are super absorbent and the tongue is a delicacy. So you can be tear free, like baby shampoo, and not hungry.  Why do dogs and babies get the tear free shampoo and I am stuck here with this acid shit.  I always come out of the shower crying and people always assume I either just shit in the tub or saw myself in the mirror and burst into tears.”

Bill Nye: “Hey there flabs, you shit the tub again?”

Me: “It’s the goddamn shampoo!”

Bill Nye: “That is why I use baby shampoo”

Me: “That’s why you are the scientist and I just ate a raccoon.”

Why is it that we don’t have all the time day light savings time. I know in winter the sun is lower in the horizon and it’s naturally darker earlier.  I can live with that but then we decided to move our clocks so the sun goes down at 4:45 and we do it on purpose.  If we were drunk or an acid that action may make sense.  But we are just increasing the amount of time that vampires get to kill us and that is silliness. Just plain silliness.

Luckily I am powder from that movie and don’t go outside anyways.  F U vampires.  I’ll never invite you inside.  You’re just gonna have to go to my neighbor’s house.  They are idiots they will let you in.  Just don’t get my spare key from their drawer.

Crap.

AWESOME SONG OF THE DAY

BOB SEGER

We’ve Got Tonight

Bob Seger would stab John Cougar in the junk with his guitar.

THE DEVIL WENT DOWN TO BLOGSVILLE!

Posted in Awesome, awesome song of the day, awesomness, Bill Nye, blog, comedy, Humor, Music, Stupid with tags , , , , , , on February 29, 2012 by tsanda

“The Devil Went Down To Blogsville”

-The devil went down to Blogsville and he was looking for a blog to rip off.

He was in a bind ‘cos he was way behind and he didn’t really want to worry about grammar or punctuation.

When he came across this young sexy son of a bitch furiously doing yahoo image searches and stopping to masturbate like it’s hot.

And the Devil back flipped upon a hickory stump and said “Boy let me tell you what” “Why do you have a hickory stump in your house?”

“I guess you didn’t know it, but I’m a blog player too.”

“Well no, that’s not what I asked but okay” “And if you’d care to take a dare, I’ll make a bet with you.”

“My momma told me not to take dares from strangers, especially the devil… but I got a good feeling about you, sir.”

“Now you type a pretty amazing blog, boy, but give the Devil his due”

“Devil, that will be hard, I have never read any of your blog titles”

“I bet a bag of goldfish against your soul, ‘cos I think I’m gonna figuratively shit on your chest with words ‘cos I think I am better than you.”

The boy said: “Well that’s a pretty awesome bet.  I can handle figurative chest shitting and! I do love me some goldfish, and My name’s TsandA and it might be a sin,”But I’ll take your bet, wait a minute Mr. Devil, you get my soul and I get crackers? Sucker , ‘cos I’m pretty fucking amazing.”

TsandA you rosin up your mouse and mash that keyboard hard.
‘Cos hells broke loose in an unidentified western state and the Devil likes mediocre observational humor.
And if you win you get some pretty good crackers
But if you lose, the devil gets your soul.  Wait, what? I just got that.  Fuck.  I thought you meant my Kia Soul.

The devil opened up his laptop case and he said: “I’ll start this show.”  Before he started TsandA said, “can you be the Devil as Al Pacino from The Devil’s Advocate?”  The Devil shrugged and said as long as I get your dog’s Soul too.  But then the Devil realized this man’s dog already sold his soul for so many Spurs championships!  Argh! Fine just yours!

And fire flew from his fingertips and he melted his computer.  We then had to go to Best Buy and get one of those nifty computers that can be dropped and burnt and stuff so we could blog duel.

And he put his scary red fingers across the keyboard and it made an evil hiss.  I told him that sounds like a boot error and he should call Geek Squad.
Then a typing pool of demons joined in and it sounded something like this.

(mashing keyboards and button noises that sounds like music and masterfulness ((shit what is our hero going to do is what you’re thinking during this interlude(((but don’t worry he is busy watching, NBA on TNT? shit aren’t you supposed to be preparing for blog battle?((((the what?, ahh drat, that soul thing again(((((I was hoping he would forget))))))

When the devil finished, TsandA said: “Wow that blog fucking sucks”.  It is just about your family trip to underground fiery volcano’s and pitchfork stabbing people.  Well I liked that part.

“But sit down in that chair, right there, and let me show you how its done.”

Space Explosions on the mountain, run Bill Nye, run.
The devil’s in the House of Payne.
Chicken in the bread pan, pickin’ out dough.
“Granny, does your dog bite?”
“No, child, no.”

Those last few lines don’t need changing they already make no sense.

The devil bowed his head  so TsandA could punch him in the back of the head
He laid a bag of pizza goldfish on the ground at TsandA’s feet.
TsandA said: “whoa, wait a friggen minute, pizza goldfish are terrible!” The Devil replied, “you should have read the fine print you hillbilly”

After a few minutes of reviewing the contract with his legal counsel TsandA threw up his hands in Pizza flavored agony and said,

“Devil just come on back if you ever want to get blog sodomized again”
“cause I told you once, you son of a gun, I’m  the “46,891st best there has ever been.”

To taunt that fucking asshole the Devil

He typed about Grilled Cheese with Arbys Sauce on a Cheesy Gordita Crunch , run Dauber from Coach, run.
The devil’s in the House M.D of the Rising Sun? (what?).
Chicken in the bread pan, now they’re pickin’ out dough.
“Granny, will your dog bite?”
“No, child, no.”

But then that lying grannies dog bite me.  It really hurt too.  I had to get some neosporin and then the next time I showered the wound burned like the dickens.  Damn it granny!  Why must you lie about such things!

Then the Devil came back and challenged me to a game of 1 on 1 backflips.  I lost! I should have not bet on something I cannot do.  At least this time it was only for my Kia Soul.  What? Regular soul again.  Damnit!

Me and The Devil getting to business. You say Jesus, I say me. If I never blog another blog you know I was just hit by lighting. I'd prefer Bigfoot attack but beggars cannot be choosers.

Why do religion people not show non religion people this photos?  That would convert 97% of the heathens immediately. The last 3% were just won over by me.  So you are welcome. Sirs and Maams.

AWESOME SONG OF THE DAY!

guess.

You thought it would be The Devil Went Down To Georgia? Are you kidding? I only play classics!  Plus I just murdered that song.  So, no thank you, Mr. Daniels.