KITTY NO!

Sometimes I just search google and yahoo images for sweet pictures that get my creative juices flowin. I find that the internet pretty much has two main uses.

1. The obvious.  Porn.  Boobs and vaginas with dicks around them.

2. Adorable kitties and puppies.

Which is fine with me.  I love having titty jobs as my computer background and I rub out so much to I can Haz cheezburger.  Life is good for ole me.

But I lost my arousement today when I saw this “adorable” photo.

KITTY NO!

Somebody needs to punch that cat away from that candle.  Your fur is so soft and dry that it will just explode into a tiny mushroom cloud of cute fireball and your owner’s house will smell terrible!  Needless to say nobody likes hairless cats.

I do.

Of course you do Balkey from Perfect Strangers.  Jeez say it once say it a million times.  Foreigners!

See. Ewww. Fucking monster. Probably rape you if it could.

 

Now what about real cats?

I've got an idea. Take Phantom of the Opera. Make it suck. Cats. Done. Probably also equally likely to rape you.

You know what I love? Dogs and little kids that get the beauty of Rocky III.

No mesh half shirts? Half assed re-creation. Oh wait, that dog is eating that kid? Perfect 10.

Bear Portraits?

Ahhh Old Clemons. I boxed him to death. What a good friend he was. Good sport about the whole me punching him to death thing.

You ever start something and have no idea how the end happened? Where did the bear portrait come from you say? The internet.

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Awesome Song of The Day #161

The Psychedelic Furs

Love My Way

Holy Shit. Whoever the 11 people are on youtube are that don’t like this video better watch out for when I ram my car into your house…. Just Sayin.

FROZEN TREAT AWESOMENESS: OTTER POPS!

Otter Pops are about 5 cents a piece.  Which is fucking crazy because I have been killing people for years for otter pops.  I didn’t realize I could afford them. Color me embarrassed and a serial killer.  When I was a kid I was a cereal killer but I found that eating real people was way more satisfying than eating Capt. Crunch.  Much more paleo to eat human flesh.

Note * Mom, I am not a cannibal…

Note * My mom doesn’t read this…

Note * I am a cannibal…

Summer is hot.  That sun is an asshole.  … You need a frozen treat to keep those core temperatures down when playing with your micro machines in the sand box or starting ants on fire…Double Dutch on the asphalt is a one way ticket to heat stroke mister!  Wait a minute my mom does read this! Yeah! Thanks mom!.  I will put on sun tan lotions I promise.

When you eat regular popsicles there are so many pit falls you can get into.  Breaking off too big a piece into your mouth, then your tongue and cheeks get way to cold as you try to deal with this situation.  It drips on your fingers and then they are way sticky.  You have to put up with worse jokes on the stick then even I come up with… If you’re roughhousing you are going to stab your eyes out with that weapon if you’re not careful.

Tragic Popsicle Tragedy, I but he wishes he would have bought otter pops! All he wants is an Otter Pop to soothe his soul and gapping face wound.

Otter Pops are superior to all other frozen treats in nearly every way.  Mainly because they come in packs of one thousand and fifty-five.  You need an entire empty freezer to keep all of the otter pops at bay.  But usually only need 1 day to eat them all.  Not to mention all the wacky flavors! Cherry! Whoa! Grape!!! GRAPE!!! HOLY FUCK GRAPE!!!

Otters choking down seaweed when the Otter Pops ran out.

The moral of the story is that Otters are cute.  Losing an eye is real shitty and I can finally stop killing people.  Today was a good day.

You know what sucks more than no Otter Pops?  Standing outside of a broken phone booth with money in your hand.

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Awesome Song of The Day #159

Primitive Radio Gods

Standing Outside…fuck it I’m not writing that all out again.

Shit quality, but what are ya gonna do its vevo.

NORTHERN COLORADO AWESOMENESS: MINIATURE PANDA COWS!

Colorado just shit on you, son! Colorado is doing big things.  Watch your back Missouri.  I was born, raised and currently live in the fine State of square shape.  Colorado.  We have a lot going for us:  Mountains, scenic vistas, just recently the internet and the occasional El Chupacabra sighting.  I am here which is not to shabby either.  Tourists and nuns come the world over to get a glance of my ass.  There are 24 moles on my bottom that look just like Jesus, I actually think they look like Nanny Mcphee but I do have to look in a mirror which turns everything around.  Colorado is the biggest, most populated, highest elevation and danciest State in the Union.  I got those numbers from a unpublished book that I wrote.  So, it is true facts because they are from a book, but they aren’t published yet….sooo hang tight.

Just when you thought Colorado couldn’t shit on your state anymore?  Yup miniature panda cow!

UGHHH! SUCK ON SOME PANDA COWS.

Wait a tick. Is that just a cow that is black and white? Like 75% of all the cows that I ate for lunch today?  Whatever, I am running with it. According to the news outlets those cows sell for $30,000! I only have one question.  How does it taste? I can get 30,000 square cows from wendy’s for that price so I want to make sure that this is a good deal.  Okay, so for 30,000 you will also throw in a miniature camel giraffe and 4 over sized ardvarks?  Okay, these are terms I understand. Deal.

Why do feel the need to make everything miniature?

Answer. These pictures.

They are funny because they are small.

hmmm. i disagree with myself. King Sized snickers are way better. Fuck you me. Liar.

What can I say other than Colorado has way cooler cows than you do.  If there was a best state contest, Colorado’s talent would be miniature cows and fist punching.  Take your pick, you lose either way.

USA USA USA USA!

Out

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AWESOME SONG OF THE DAY #141

more JAIL WEDDINGS!

I Thought You Were Somebody