Archive for the Actors Category

GUNS AWESOMENESS: HIDDEN ARM GUNS!

Posted in Actors, Awesome, awesome song of the day, awesomness, blog, Guns, Humor, Music, Stuff, Stupid, Weapons with tags , , , , , , , on March 12, 2012 by tsanda

Full disclosure.  That was my penis I just showed you. I should have probably said full disclosure and then showed you my party tyme trio, thus giving you some chance of looking away.  Rather I just pulled down my pants while your back was turned and then when you turned back around I was pointing straight at it… and!……. it was point straight at you.  Damn kid. That one was good. I mean party tyme trio and an erection joke in one paragraph Hemingway ain’t got shit.

Fact of sciences#44: You cannot look away from something that somebody is pointing at.  Don’t ask me, I don’t make the rules. Ask Johnny Mnemonic.

Keanu Reeves from Johnny Mnemonic

My Face Itches.

Hey, I just said you could ask him.  I can’t guarantee the answer you get.

So, when I was saying full disclosure and got caught up in kinda being a bit perveee, I was going to talk about how much I love guns.  One of my favorite guns?  The hidden arm gun. You know what I am talking about.  That little sexy bitch that slides into place on the metal track on your forearm and then when the moment is right, you get to shoot somebody in the face.

I suck at this gun though.  I keep forgetting to take it off and then when I am orchestrating an orchestra and my arm gun engages all sorts of people start screaming and running.  Some guy has a Nam flashback.  I shot a cat.  I mean it probably wouldn’t be so bad if I just put it back into its holster but I have to pop a couple off when it happens.  It’s another rule of sciences. When hidden arm guns slide out shots are gonna get taken then fired.

Desperado, Antonio Banderas, Arm Sleeve Guns

It's amazing that nobody in that bar noticed his popeye arms and wondered if he was about to go all bananas on that place.

I should have watched Desperado prior to going on my murderous rampage.  Instead, I just listened to Desperado by The Eagles and apparently didn’t gleam the same information.  I don’t think gleam is a word.  Well, it is now. Fuck you Miriam Webster.

Because when I first discovered these weapons I put the gun on my calf instead of my forearms.  So here I was in a big old pickadilly.  Guns everywhere.  I had a smug ass look on my face.  Somebody said.  “Hey, Poncho. You die next.”  Which is how I always wanted to go out, so I was kinda torn.  But not today.  I did an Elvis leg shake to engage my weapon and my leg gun just fell out of my pants onto the floor and I got shot to death.  Apparently the whole purpose is to catch it in your hand. Huh. Silly me.

 

Perfect Creshendo into a 9 minute long Music Video about Jake Gyllenhaal getting shaves and killing people with fencing gear.

The real song doesn’t start till about 2:30 but the incredible starts immediately.

The Shoes

TIME TO DANCE

MOVIE AWESOMENESS: REAL STEEL!

Posted in Actors, Awesome, awesome song of the day, awesomness, blog, Humor, Movies, Music with tags , , , , , , , , on October 10, 2011 by tsanda

I haven’t seen Real Steel so don’t get too excited.  But I thought of what I am going to say if and when I get out of that movie.  “Real Steel? More like Real Steal, because that darn Adam just stole my heart”

The couple next to me will be like, “who the fuck are you talking too?”

I’ll then shrug and say, “I hate being the third wheel, you guys never make me feel like part of the gang”

They might say “well that’s because you have been following us around all day pretending to be on our date…”

I’ll then say…. “soooo threesome????” But with a real charm about it so they are forced to tag team me… in the parking lot of a Red Lobster, while I cry and eat cheddar biscuits.  What came first the cheddar or the biscuit!? Geez the wonders of the world just astound me!

Has anybody noticed where Real Steel got its idea from? Two guys were playing Rock Em Sock Em Robots and were like, this would make a great movie! A bunch of rich high fives.  The two guys next to them were playing battleship and said, This would make a great movie! and crickets were heard everywhere. Mainly because it was the night-time and they were in a rural area.

Board game movies?

I guess Operation was already made into a movie 7 times by Saw….

I can’t wait for the 48 hour epic Risk.  In which nobody ever finishes watching the movie because it is way to frustrating and boring.  You will occasionally find somebody who says they finished it and love it… but they are full of shit and know it.

I heard the graphics on real steel are wonderful!

Wow, the Hugh Jackman Robot is very lifelike. Not much armor though. Gonna get robot raped in the ring!

Wait a fucking minute.

Doesn’t that robot already hate Diane Lane in Judge Dredd?

Busted. Real Bullshit is more like it. Yup, gotcha.

BYE!

Awesome Song of the Day #162

Cameras – Defeatist

this song has played abooot 250 times on my ipod and itunes and icar (that’s just my car, didn’t sound cool just as car… Doesn’t sound very cool the former either…”

Video…artsy

Song…Amazing

MY CONVERSATION WITH MICHAEL ROOKER!

Posted in Actors, Awesome, awesome song of the day, awesomness, blog, comedy, Dork, Humor, Movies with tags , , , , , on August 11, 2010 by tsanda

If you haven’t seen the best movie about Alpine Survivalist vs. Airplane full of money bandits … … … … wait for it… … … keep waiting…. …. … right before the end … Cliffhanger.  Get it? I left you hanging? Like a sentence cliffhanger.  I am a master of the english language writing.  Well frankly if you haven’t seen cliffhanger then you will never survive a cave fight with Leon, you won’t know his weakness of giant stalactites through the chest.

Rook is not in this picture but he would appreciate me posting it.

Sly Stallone

The best thing about this picture is the whole thing and Sly aint half bad on the eyes either.

So the rook (my pet name for my boy) and I are sitting in a bubble bath, scene by scene talking about Cliffhanger, getting ready to start in on Slither when Rooks asked me a question.

He says, “Jazzy (that is Rooks nickname for me) have you ever dreamed a big dream?’

Jazzy: “Will you stop talking and wash my back”

Rooks: “I will get to that just, listen for a second”

Jazzy: Long Sigh…..”fine, I can’t say no to you… you were so amazing in the 6th day”

Rooks: “You were always such a flatterer” “But seriously, I have plans big plans”

Jazzy: “Like opening a White Castle?”

Rooks: Look of disgust, “no jazzy”.

Rooks: “Like eating 12 donuts in one sitting.”

It was that minute I knew I was in love.

Rooker is known for his sucker punches. I am known for my black eyes.

Did you know if the Rooks were to have sex with sound waves this song would be his bastard child of noise.

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Awesome Song of the Day #129

Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeros

Home

(aka ear boners)

(sorry to make you sit through some David Letterman)

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