Archive for the Actors Category

JACOBSON & GORDY

Posted in Actors, Awesome, awesome song of the day, awesomness, blog, comedy, Humor, Television with tags , , , , , , , , , on December 2, 2012 by tsanda

Coming soon to TNT, the new hit series from the creators of such classics and Rizzoli and Isles and Franklin and Bash comes the next great pair of spunky people who do something together!  Jacobson is a tough as nails Brooklyn cabbie.  Gordy is a Romanian bear wrestler.  One night on the gritty streets they discovered each other and their shared love for action and adventure.  They found that they love the same two things.  Solving the mysteries of the night and being sassy.

You will hear their classic catch phrases as they do their signature move of hitting people with their car. Which is a 1989 Pontiac Fiero; which Jacobson calls his “Getting sex machine.”  Cause it helps him get sex.  He doesn’t realize he doesn’t have to explain the nickname but he makes a point of putting it on his business cards.

The Fiero, trying not to explode from 1984-1989.

The Fiero, trying not to explode from 1984-1989.

Gold Rims or Go Home, is what I would have nicked named that.  But Rizzoli liked the latter… (she fell for it’s charms, just fyi that will be a great crossover episode).

They always chase their perps (crime show word) in the Fiero and then just straight up hit them as hard as they can.  They don’t believe the justice system actually works.  These two badasses just know the murder system.

Just got hit by Jacobson & Gordy? You are bound to hear a gem such as, “Should have looked both ways before crossing the street.” or “Why did the criminal cross the street? To get hit by our car!” or “Crosswalks are for old people and pussies…” (editors note, that last one got edited from the show)

If you like high fives, fast cars, loose women, periodic guest spots from Franklin and Bash (who always get called in to get them off the hook for hitting so many people with their car) and a minimum of 10 explosions an episode you will love TNT’s new dramedy, Jacobson & Gordy.

Starring: Tom Everett Scot as Jacobson:

The guy you know you've seen in something.

That guy you know you’ve seen in something.

And Roddy Roddy Piper as Gordy.

I'm here to hit you with my car and chew bubblegum... and I am all out of bubblegum...

I’m here to hit you with my car and chew bubblegum… and I am all out of bubblegum…

Coming to TNT Tuesday.  Don’t want to watch it? That is okay. Somehow somebody somewhere will watch it just like Franklin and Bash and Rizzoli and Isles.  You won’t ever meet them but they are there.  We at TNT promise.

Jacobson and Gordy TNT knows sassy crime fighting couples!

 

Awesome Song of The Day

Shout out Louds

Impossible

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MOVIE AWESOMENESS: JASON STATHAM IN SAFE!

Posted in Action, Actors, Awesome, awesome song of the day, awesomness, blog, comedy, Humor, Movies with tags , , , , , , , , , on April 23, 2012 by tsanda

Jason Statham is really fucking good and protecting and transporting things, people, briefcases, etc.  You are really excited to see Safe, a new action thriller coming out soon.  But crud!  There are a lot of movies out these days and you can’t get to them all.  I mean we are all probably chomping at the bit to see some Johnny Depp movie about an ancient vampire who is blown away by TV’s and Mcdonalds….right…? This is just vampire Harry and the Hendersons… and that my friend is a masterpiece.  It’s only down hill when you don’t have John Lithgow involved.

Harry and the Hendersons, John Lithgow, Harry, Bigfoot, humor, comedy

Lithgow here. I just added this picture because that's how I hope John Lithgow answers the phone.

So I will do you a huge solid and give you a run down of the movie.  I had to save my own time so I haven’t watched it either.  But I am willing to bet 3 cases of rootbeer milk that I am pretty darn close.

If the movie poster is any indication this movie is gonna be good.

Safe, Jason Statham, Guns, Movie, Blog, Humor

Find your own kid napping victim. She is mine.

Jason Statham plays Uzi Sanchez.  A down on his luck Mexican Boxer.  He has been homeless since his last big beat and also got kicked off the force for not being corrupt.

He devises a perfect scheme.  Kidnap a little asian girl who is good with numbers to help him win scratch tickets.  So he can then win the money to enter a kickboxing competition to save his blind half brother from an Australian hit squad.

Jason Statham, Safe, Humor, Comedy

The homeless years: I hope they edit out the scene where I eat sausages from a dumpster.

They don’t that scene is gritty and real.

Statham, Jason Statham, Safe, blog, humor, comedy

Hey Buddy, I've told you once I've told you twice, stop giving hand jobs in our dumpster!

Okay, so for the first half of the movie Uzi is hooked on smack and can’t stop trying to give hand jobs for the money.  It’s then he sees his salvation.  The math kid.

Statham, Jason Statham, Safe, Yelling at a kid, Humor, Comedy

HEY KID!!! AHHHHH!!!! CAN YOU COUNT TO 7 11 OR 21?????!!!!!!??!?!?!

Uzi’s weakness is for 7 11 21, a scratcher, that is a real head scratcher.  You have to add 3 numbers and if they are 7 11 or 21 you win! But those are the 3 hardest numbers to add up to in the English Dictionary.  Many a sad afternoon you could find Uzi crying while looking at a ticket trying to count on his fingers.  Most of which he lost in a man vs chicken fighting ring in lower manhattan.

Statham, Jason Statham, Safe, Comedy, Blog, Humor

Shit. It's daytime. I probably should have done this a little more secretively.

As you can imagine they pretty much run around in circles and many times he yells at her.  “Don’t worry, I wont let you go home to your parents until you win me the $5,0000 grab prize.”

Then a miracle.

A Winner.

7+3+1.  He steals some kids Nokia plays some snake. Then adds the numbers. 11. Holy shit. I did it.

Jason Statham, Safe, Comedy, Humor, Blog

Hey mister, did you save enough after buying that suit to save your brother?....shit.

He then holds this pose and the gun at the girl for the final 23 minutes of the movie while a God Speed You Black Emperor song plays in its entirety in the background.

Screen goes black.  You hear a gunshot.  Did he kill her… or himself?  Maybe one of the thousand cops following up on the Amber Alert shot him…  One of those great movie mysteries that will be talked about for years to come.  Maybe it was all a dream?

Credits role. Written, Directed, Starred, Produced, Edited, Shot and Catered by Jason Statham.  That guy can do it all.

The End….Or is it?/ To Be Continued / Maybe … Shrug.

AWESOME SONG OF THE DAY

Gladys Knight and the Pips

Midnight Train to Georgia

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER CAMPAIGN POSTERS!

Posted in Actors, Arnold, Awesome, awesome song of the day, awesomness, blog, Celebrities, comedy, Humor with tags , , , , , , , on March 27, 2012 by tsanda

It amazes me when people don’t have nice things to say about Arnold Schwarzenegger.  They say “that a-hole ruined California”.  Not true dick heads. He taught us a awesome way to say California that sounds like Cauliflower. Side note.  Cauliflower does not go over well for Valentines Day.  That girls loving flowers thing is a bunch of bullshit. Also California never broke off into the ocean.  So i’d call his term a 100% success.

I mean his old campaign posters alone should win over your hearts and minds.

Arnold Schqarzenegger, Eraser, Rail Guns

ALLLGGHHHHHH! VOTE OR DIE!

MTV and Sean P. Diddy Combs may have made Vote or Die “hip”.  But Arnold made it mandatory and literal.

So his campaign manager wanted us to see a softer side of Arnold.  The mother vote is key in Califlower.

Arnold Schwarzenegger, Danny Devito, Junior

Aaaalllllgggghhhh! BABIES!

The single mothers vote is big.  But don’t forget to Rock the Vote.  The youth is a big factor in one election ever and Arnold took a no holds approach to garner those votes.

Arnold Schwarzenegger, Ice Cream Cone

ALLLRGHHHHH KIDS LOVE ICE CREAM! IF IT MELTS ICE CAN EAT IT!

You can’t forget the elderly people.  They still go to the post office;  so they know where polling places are and usually end up voting by accident while trying to pay their Readers Digest fees by check.

Arnold Schwarzenegger

ALALALRLARLALRALRALGHGGHHHH I WILL WEAR YOUR CHRISTMAS SWEATERS!

That election was over before it even started. What about the Jackie Chan vote?

Arnold Schwarzenegger, Tuxedo,

ALGHH! LETS MAKE THE TUXEDO 2! ALGH!

Ahhh Arnold Governor stuff, I am a very topical guy.

That is done!

AWESOME SONG OF THE DAY

MIIKE SNOW

BLACK TIN BOX

 

 

GUNS AWESOMENESS: HIDDEN ARM GUNS!

Posted in Actors, Awesome, awesome song of the day, awesomness, blog, Guns, Humor, Music, Stuff, Stupid, Weapons with tags , , , , , , , on March 12, 2012 by tsanda

Full disclosure.  That was my penis I just showed you. I should have probably said full disclosure and then showed you my party tyme trio, thus giving you some chance of looking away.  Rather I just pulled down my pants while your back was turned and then when you turned back around I was pointing straight at it… and!……. it was point straight at you.  Damn kid. That one was good. I mean party tyme trio and an erection joke in one paragraph Hemingway ain’t got shit.

Fact of sciences#44: You cannot look away from something that somebody is pointing at.  Don’t ask me, I don’t make the rules. Ask Johnny Mnemonic.

Keanu Reeves from Johnny Mnemonic

My Face Itches.

Hey, I just said you could ask him.  I can’t guarantee the answer you get.

So, when I was saying full disclosure and got caught up in kinda being a bit perveee, I was going to talk about how much I love guns.  One of my favorite guns?  The hidden arm gun. You know what I am talking about.  That little sexy bitch that slides into place on the metal track on your forearm and then when the moment is right, you get to shoot somebody in the face.

I suck at this gun though.  I keep forgetting to take it off and then when I am orchestrating an orchestra and my arm gun engages all sorts of people start screaming and running.  Some guy has a Nam flashback.  I shot a cat.  I mean it probably wouldn’t be so bad if I just put it back into its holster but I have to pop a couple off when it happens.  It’s another rule of sciences. When hidden arm guns slide out shots are gonna get taken then fired.

Desperado, Antonio Banderas, Arm Sleeve Guns

It's amazing that nobody in that bar noticed his popeye arms and wondered if he was about to go all bananas on that place.

I should have watched Desperado prior to going on my murderous rampage.  Instead, I just listened to Desperado by The Eagles and apparently didn’t gleam the same information.  I don’t think gleam is a word.  Well, it is now. Fuck you Miriam Webster.

Because when I first discovered these weapons I put the gun on my calf instead of my forearms.  So here I was in a big old pickadilly.  Guns everywhere.  I had a smug ass look on my face.  Somebody said.  “Hey, Poncho. You die next.”  Which is how I always wanted to go out, so I was kinda torn.  But not today.  I did an Elvis leg shake to engage my weapon and my leg gun just fell out of my pants onto the floor and I got shot to death.  Apparently the whole purpose is to catch it in your hand. Huh. Silly me.

 

Perfect Creshendo into a 9 minute long Music Video about Jake Gyllenhaal getting shaves and killing people with fencing gear.

The real song doesn’t start till about 2:30 but the incredible starts immediately.

The Shoes

TIME TO DANCE

MOVIE AWESOMENESS: REAL STEEL!

Posted in Actors, Awesome, awesome song of the day, awesomness, blog, Humor, Movies, Music with tags , , , , , , , , on October 10, 2011 by tsanda

I haven’t seen Real Steel so don’t get too excited.  But I thought of what I am going to say if and when I get out of that movie.  “Real Steel? More like Real Steal, because that darn Adam just stole my heart”

The couple next to me will be like, “who the fuck are you talking too?”

I’ll then shrug and say, “I hate being the third wheel, you guys never make me feel like part of the gang”

They might say “well that’s because you have been following us around all day pretending to be on our date…”

I’ll then say…. “soooo threesome????” But with a real charm about it so they are forced to tag team me… in the parking lot of a Red Lobster, while I cry and eat cheddar biscuits.  What came first the cheddar or the biscuit!? Geez the wonders of the world just astound me!

Has anybody noticed where Real Steel got its idea from? Two guys were playing Rock Em Sock Em Robots and were like, this would make a great movie! A bunch of rich high fives.  The two guys next to them were playing battleship and said, This would make a great movie! and crickets were heard everywhere. Mainly because it was the night-time and they were in a rural area.

Board game movies?

I guess Operation was already made into a movie 7 times by Saw….

I can’t wait for the 48 hour epic Risk.  In which nobody ever finishes watching the movie because it is way to frustrating and boring.  You will occasionally find somebody who says they finished it and love it… but they are full of shit and know it.

I heard the graphics on real steel are wonderful!

Wow, the Hugh Jackman Robot is very lifelike. Not much armor though. Gonna get robot raped in the ring!

Wait a fucking minute.

Doesn’t that robot already hate Diane Lane in Judge Dredd?

Busted. Real Bullshit is more like it. Yup, gotcha.

BYE!

Awesome Song of the Day #162

Cameras – Defeatist

this song has played abooot 250 times on my ipod and itunes and icar (that’s just my car, didn’t sound cool just as car… Doesn’t sound very cool the former either…”

Video…artsy

Song…Amazing

MY CONVERSATION WITH MICHAEL ROOKER!

Posted in Actors, Awesome, awesome song of the day, awesomness, blog, comedy, Dork, Humor, Movies with tags , , , , , on August 11, 2010 by tsanda

If you haven’t seen the best movie about Alpine Survivalist vs. Airplane full of money bandits … … … … wait for it… … … keep waiting…. …. … right before the end … Cliffhanger.  Get it? I left you hanging? Like a sentence cliffhanger.  I am a master of the english language writing.  Well frankly if you haven’t seen cliffhanger then you will never survive a cave fight with Leon, you won’t know his weakness of giant stalactites through the chest.

Rook is not in this picture but he would appreciate me posting it.

Sly Stallone

The best thing about this picture is the whole thing and Sly aint half bad on the eyes either.

So the rook (my pet name for my boy) and I are sitting in a bubble bath, scene by scene talking about Cliffhanger, getting ready to start in on Slither when Rooks asked me a question.

He says, “Jazzy (that is Rooks nickname for me) have you ever dreamed a big dream?’

Jazzy: “Will you stop talking and wash my back”

Rooks: “I will get to that just, listen for a second”

Jazzy: Long Sigh…..”fine, I can’t say no to you… you were so amazing in the 6th day”

Rooks: “You were always such a flatterer” “But seriously, I have plans big plans”

Jazzy: “Like opening a White Castle?”

Rooks: Look of disgust, “no jazzy”.

Rooks: “Like eating 12 donuts in one sitting.”

It was that minute I knew I was in love.

Rooker is known for his sucker punches. I am known for my black eyes.

Did you know if the Rooks were to have sex with sound waves this song would be his bastard child of noise.

—-

Awesome Song of the Day #129

Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeros

Home

(aka ear boners)

(sorry to make you sit through some David Letterman)

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WEAPON AWESOMENESS: SLEEVE WEAPONS!

Posted in Actors, Awesome, awesomness, blog, Humor, Stuff, Weapons with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on February 9, 2010 by tsanda

Shirt sleeves are so useless most of the time.  I mean all of my shirts are sleeveless, gym shirts, work shirts, wedding shirts, funeral shirts, sleeping, eating, swimming pool shirts.  I just can’t see a good reason to cover these pythons.  Until yesterday.  I got in to a knife fight with some guy.  He had nothing.  Just stupid fists and a shit long sleeved dumb ass shirt. I laughed for about 35 seconds in his face with my pocket knife waving in his face.  Then he smiled and “swhhoooommmmmp” (onimonipea) and giant swords came flying out of his shirts! HE WASN’T EVEN WOLVERINE!  I lost, it goes without saying.  So, I am laying in the hospital this morning, licking my wounds and thinking, how did he do that?  … Then like a ray of light from the Dawn….Those fucking sleeves are good for something.  Hiding Weapons, and I love my weapons.

Hell Boy

That's what I get for picking a fight with the guy from Hell Boy.

So i’ve healed, fast healer, like a cat.  I strapped a couple swords under my shirt.  Got ready to pick a fight.  This time, I went to a Mexican Cantina. Lovely little joint.  Mariachi music playing in the background, I take a Sol and sat and waited for somebody, who A) would fight me, then B) I could win.  So this punk ass little pretty boy walks in and steps on my toe.

Direct Quote From Me – “hey? what the heck!”

Him – “some word in spanish”

Me – “……”

Him – “Lo Siento”

Me – “Ohhh well fuck you too”. Swords pop out, commence laughing.

Him – “sccchhhhwwippp ( more noises that sound like their spelled ) GUNS? WHAT THE FUCK!

Desperado

Maybe I have misjudged this pretty guitar playing man. Crap x2.

I gotta stop fighting guys from movies already.  I saw Clubber Lang and ran the other way.  He didn’t have sleeves but I guarantee he has a laser cannon hidden in his mohawk.

What do I do? Here is what I did tonight, after my bullet wounds healed.  Yea wound-s plural.  Jerk shot my 6 times.

I went to Burma, smuggled a tiger out of the country, strapped a Mini Gun on it’s head and stuck it in my pant leg.  Who wants a piece? You Antonio Banderas? Didn’t think so.

Bring it.

—–

Awesome Song of The Day #101

Annie Lennox

Walking On Broken Glass

(Guest starring John Malkavich)

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