2012: Not Just For John Cusack Anymore!

So the world ends in a couple of days. We have that going for us.  So all that credit card debt and pregnant girls are no big deal. End of the world bucket list is a must.  Mine: 1. Clean the place. Can’t have the Apocalypse Cyclops, or Cyclocalypse, or Gerry, as his cyclops friends call him, see and smash my world and have it look a mess.  That silly guy hates dirt.  He is like a much meaner murdery Mr. Clean.

Hi, I’m Gerry. Time for your personal sensual apocalypse. Apocalypse by seduction is my game. (you have to say that outloud in a throaty lispy voice for full effect)

That is a really creepy picture. Why does it have normal hands and monster feet.  Ohh it’s a monster? It is actually weirder that it has normal hands in the first place.  No, I have no idea what a personal sensual apocalypse is…. But it sounds painful.  Emotionally and for your butt.  You know what would be a dangerous food for a cyclops to eat? Bugles. You can’t eat bugles (cause they are disgusting) without putting them on your fingers like little finger hats.  But if a cyclops with their terrible depth perception tried to eat a bugle off their finger they would stab themselves right in the cyclops.  Whoa, I know how to win the end of days…

We need bugles!

End of days bucket list 2: Watch End of Days.  Seeing Arnie beat up the Devil never fails to make me cry.  Poetic Justice.

End of days bucket list 3: Make sure John Cusack is standing by with a limo and an endless supply of airplanes to take off just in front of explosions.  It is nice actually because after The Raven John Cusack was actually pretty affordable and is on call for me.

I promise! People want a crime fighting Edgar Allen Poe movie!

That’s my list. It is a good one.  Time to pop that ole VHS in the player and knock of #2.

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Awesome song for the end of the World

Blackbird Blackbird

It’s a War

 

 

 

SCIENCE AWESOMENESS: THE TREE LOBSTER!

I can’t really say I’ve ever cared much for lobsters. I don’t get the fuss over their taste and it just seems weird that we boil them alive for better taste.  I don’t think any of the 11,746 chickens I’ve consumed in my life were ever boiled alive.  It supposedly locks in their soul which makes a great internal gravy. I am getting screwed!

So how do you get my attention? Ohh, the Tree Lobster.  You read that right.  Unless you are illiterate; and then you read that as lkajdkljiljrkldsjlfiaejlasdkfn. What prey-tell is a Tree Lobster? It is only a gigantic dude of a bug that was sick of turning extinct by humans so it hid on a tiny rock cliff island.  But that stupid son of a bitch didn’t realize we humans will search for a lifetime and not stop at anything to extinct everything.  USA! USA! USA!

Action shot of a scientist killing Tree Lobsters the only way science knows of. Fist punching the Thorax.

Science tells us that Tree Lobsters need to be capitalized because they are proper nouns. The More You Know, dum deeedle dum dooo (or however you write that jingle in words).  To bad NBC wasn’t trying to teach people the proper image for a floating rainbow star; and they say rap music corrupts minds.

The best part of the Tree Lobster? Where they live.  Balls Pyramid Island.

Balls. That is all.

I don’t think i’ve been more giddy about information in my life.  Giant bugs that live on Balls Island and it is the coolest looking island of all time. To bad we are going to extinct those bugs and put a Wal-Mart out there.  But ocean pirates need great deals on Bissels too.  Bissels just work great. The suction is wonderful and they come in just jazzy colors.

I would scream like a boiled alive lobster if I saw one of those things. Giant bugs should stay where they belong.  Balls island.

Woot Woot!

Awesome Song of the Day

Big Boi Ft. Kid Cudi

She Hates Me

“If you can hate on anybody, girl, I am glad it was me.”

Big Boi has been doing this for 20 years and it is pitiful how underrated he is.  Outkast for life.

 

 

JACOBSON & GORDY

Coming soon to TNT, the new hit series from the creators of such classics and Rizzoli and Isles and Franklin and Bash comes the next great pair of spunky people who do something together!  Jacobson is a tough as nails Brooklyn cabbie.  Gordy is a Romanian bear wrestler.  One night on the gritty streets they discovered each other and their shared love for action and adventure.  They found that they love the same two things.  Solving the mysteries of the night and being sassy.

You will hear their classic catch phrases as they do their signature move of hitting people with their car. Which is a 1989 Pontiac Fiero; which Jacobson calls his “Getting sex machine.”  Cause it helps him get sex.  He doesn’t realize he doesn’t have to explain the nickname but he makes a point of putting it on his business cards.

The Fiero, trying not to explode from 1984-1989.

Gold Rims or Go Home, is what I would have nicked named that.  But Rizzoli liked the latter… (she fell for it’s charms, just fyi that will be a great crossover episode).

They always chase their perps (crime show word) in the Fiero and then just straight up hit them as hard as they can.  They don’t believe the justice system actually works.  These two badasses just know the murder system.

Just got hit by Jacobson & Gordy? You are bound to hear a gem such as, “Should have looked both ways before crossing the street.” or “Why did the criminal cross the street? To get hit by our car!” or “Crosswalks are for old people and pussies…” (editors note, that last one got edited from the show)

If you like high fives, fast cars, loose women, periodic guest spots from Franklin and Bash (who always get called in to get them off the hook for hitting so many people with their car) and a minimum of 10 explosions an episode you will love TNT’s new dramedy, Jacobson & Gordy.

Starring: Tom Everett Scot as Jacobson:

That guy you know you’ve seen in something.

And Roddy Roddy Piper as Gordy.

I’m here to hit you with my car and chew bubblegum… and I am all out of bubblegum…

Coming to TNT Tuesday.  Don’t want to watch it? That is okay. Somehow somebody somewhere will watch it just like Franklin and Bash and Rizzoli and Isles.  You won’t ever meet them but they are there.  We at TNT promise.

Jacobson and Gordy TNT knows sassy crime fighting couples!

 

Awesome Song of The Day

Shout out Louds

Impossible

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