The Devil Is A Puss Bag These Days…

Ohhh that Devil.  Always trying to mess with our minds and tempt us to eat chocolate and covet they neighbors Wednesday night orgies.  It is tough, cause boy howdy do those things get loud.  I think last time I heard a Phoenix burn and rise from its ashes during one of those….

…. It sounds unfortunately a lot like a lawnmower starting.  Life – the constant disappointment.

 

“Vrrrrmmm Vrrrmm Vrrrmmmvrmmmvrmmmm”

I had an “an” in front of Phoenix for a second and there were little squiggles under it.  I clicked it and it’s only recommendation was to stop being a fucking moron.  God damnit word.  You’re a jerk!

Remember when the Devil was awesome and people were scared of him.  He would produce Faces of Death and make kids listen to Black Sabbath and Led Zepplin?  He made teenagers touch privates and put real oil in Mcdonald’s french fries. But here it comes to my attention that the kid from Two and a Half Men says to stop watching that show because the Devil wants you to tune in.  To mush your brain.  First of all, I assumed that kid was property of Warner Brothers so I am shocked he is allowed to go outside and converse with people.  Secondly, why the sam hell does the Devil want people watching that show? If that show mushes your brain you will have no motivation to go out and worship the Devil.  That shit takes work.  You have to drawn pentagrams and sacrifice goats and shit.  Nobody who watches Two and Half men is motivated for all of that work.

I mean if the Devil wants to support a medium of the media…. that doesn’t sound like a thing…. he should totally get behind my stuff.  This will mush the shit out of your brain.  Plus I hate goats! Always eating my cans.

For all the stereotypes about goats eating cans all the time I couldn’t find a single JPEG, yep. Gettin Technical.  Keep up internet.  So I found the closest alternative and it works pretty well.

Gimmie dem boobies!

That is what I always say to girls.  Usually looks a lot like this too. Although I can’t grow a goatee.  Whoa. Finally just got that. I am welcome.

Now the Devil wants us to watch Jon Cryer sitcoms? If you peruse any of the awesome Illuminati blogs you will find that all the Devil worshipping artists these days are sucky pussies.  Like Lady Gaga and Beyonce and Taylor Swift. What the crap happened!  The Devil really must have got some screws loose when Arnold whooped his ass in End of Days.  I don’t like any of those jokers, I must be doing Gods work!

Ohh well lets listen to music that the Devil doesn’t like….because it is good….

Awesome Song of the Day

Pete and the Pirates

“The marks on your back and the lines on your face…. one thousand pictures”

Best Lyric Ever.

Well, after I have so much money my money count money… but that is a given.

note to self. I may have used this song before.  No chance in hell I fact check that though.

 

 

MARS ROVER AWESOMENESS: ALIEN WW3!

I am really damn excited for the Mars Rover.  You bet your ass I am topical as hell! Current events, son!

 

That Rover has Space Dementia!

Nobody talks about the 80 trillion dollar Robocop we put on Mars to take this photograph.

We, yes we, the North Americans minus Polar Bears and Canada dropped a fucking RC Racer onto the Mars and are currently exploring the shit out of it.  Finding monsters and aliens and Spocks all damn day.

Bill Nye: Nearly none of that is true. Ass.

Me: Hey! Bill. Shut up.  Well after you tell me which part I am right about….

Bill Nye: Polar Bears and Canada didn’t help.

Me: Duh. Polar Bears are dumb as hell and Canada is poor. USA! USA! USA!

Bill Nye: Jeez. No Monsters or Aliens or singular Spock either. It just rolls around at 2″ per second and cores the soil and takes measurements.

Me: Ugh. Boring. 2″ a second?  It would take that hoss all of 6 seconds to measure my….

Bill: Gross.

Me: You cut me off.  Dick.

Bill: Yea, we got that.

Me: USA USA USA!

Bill: ….

Don’t worry.  Mr. Nye left.  Sometimes he can’t handle talking science with me.  Like when I beat NAS in rap battles. Which are usually about Bill Nye wearing tie dye while drinking a mai tai.

NAS: …… ( silence just like the end of 8 Mile )

I like explaining written jokes.  Means they are good.

The only really cool thing that is going to come from the Mars Rover is now Aliens on other planets can see we are getting pretty cool over here on Earth and it is time to blow us up.  Which I mean is really all anybody can ask for in this life.

MUSIC!

AWESOME SONG OF THE DAY

MOTORAMA

GHOST (Acoustic)

Easily my current favorite band.  Mind blowing.

Have a lovely Thanksgiving next year.  Like to get it out of the way early.

Bye!

CANDY AWESOMENESS: MINI ROLOS!

I am notorious for being easy to please.  Con Air is on again? Well, so much for my daughter’s birthday.  Well, honestly I actually got her the Con Air blue ray for her birthday.  Which is basically the best birthday ever, I’d say.  She disagreed and wanted sour patch kids, or cabbage patch kids or something like that… So welcome to adoption little miss bossy pants!

That last group of sentences is actually why I will never be allowed to offspring with somebody.

So I was at K-mart buying new headphones and trying not to get stabbed or talked to by anybody.  I decided lunch was going to be (yes, you have read this right, somehow my lunch was originating from K-mart) candy.  Sometimes a lunch of candy is just what no doctor anywhere ordered.  I like the riddles skittles.  I like how skittles make my jaw hurt.  No pain no gain! That’s what my cat always says.  I have no idea what the riddles part is though.

Whoa, what do I see?  Mini fucking Rolos! Kablamo! (or insert your own sound of excitement)  Although it is odd.  Shooting off shotguns inside a K-Mart is actually legal and appropriate behavior.

You had me at lunch at K-Mart.

Finally.  The three things I have always been missing in my life.  Not knowing the actual size of a candy I was about to buy.  Don’t you hate when you accidently buy 3′ wide Werthers and the duffle bag they came in didn’t notify you of this? 2. I didn’t number 1, I hope this makes sense.  They show with a picture that their claim to contain chocolate and carmel is not fully bullshit.  I need visual proof.  I might believe in Jesus on faith, but not fucking hidden carmel.  Final thought. They are unwrapped! Although I feel bad for the indian children who lost their jobs wrapping Rolo’s.  I always thought it was fucking nonsense that I had to open this candy and then unwrap more candy.  I’m looking right at you Starbursts.  I’m not into physical activity or puzzles.  How do you open this tiny little candy origami? WHAT! I have to do it 8 more times! Ugh uncontrollable vomiting.

Just when I think I have lost all faith in American ingenuity the Rolo Corporation brings it back to a very modest level.  USA!

Who wants musics!

—

Awesome Song of the Day #something

Motorama

Alps

Yeah! I’m back! I haven’t done this since May? What is wrong with me.

Well I ate candy lunch from K-Mart.  Alot.

Until the next time.