Archive for April, 2012

GUEST WRITING AWESOMENESS: OFFSEASON FOOTBALL!

Posted in Awesome, awesome song of the day, awesomness, Basketball, blog, comedy, Football, Humor, Music, The 90's with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , on April 18, 2012 by tsanda

So today I woke up feeling pretty damn amazing.  As I floated across the bathroom floor, gliding effortlessly to Robin Thicke’s “Magic”, I noticed something strange when looking in the mirror.  Normally when peering into a reflective surface, I get caught staring into my beautiful “deep as the ocean” blue eyes for 30 minutes, and if I can break that gaze, I move on to how distinguished I look.  I finish off by coming up with a well thought gameplan for how I will grow my next facial hair patterns.  Well today, I noticed that I do not grow fucking hair on my goddamn fucking head anymore.  You bring some metal rods and some sand, and I’ll bring the horseshoe.  Game on! Fuck.

Robin Thicke, The Magic Touch

“Oh I didn’t see you standing there. My Name’s Robin. I got it. You got it. We got it. The magic touch.”

I had been all excited for the Nebraska Spring Game last Saturday until Tornado Warnings caused the game to get canceled.  Mother Nature is such a sultry temptress.  For one brief moment, I had a reason to believe again.  Football in April that isn’t reruns of Coach.  I love you Dauber. Fuck yeah.    I personally think that they should not have canceled the game.  It was far too important.  Yeah, it was a decision based off of safety concerns, but it reaches further than you’d expect.  For example, children 8th grade and younger, were given free admission, as long as they completed the “drug free halftime pledge”.  Now all those kids who were going to lie about not doing drugs, are out there doing drugs and they don’t even feel bad about it.  Not even a lil!  Hugs not drugs!  Except Hugs can’t help you stay awake and alert when you need it most.  In fact, hugs make me sleepy.  It ruined story telling for me as well.  When Michael Ziola kicks a championship clinching field goal, I would have been able to say… “I saw Mikey kick an 85 yard field goal through a tornado back in the day.”  But most importantly, we tend to block out all things in real life when we have football to watch.  Having no football, you notice things that you shouldn’t… You have children, your dog has actual dog food for a balanced diet(not leftover pizza crust and nacho cheese dip), you’re going bald, you should go outside during weekends, you’re not a part of your  “team” and they don’t care how you feel,  etc…   Mother Nature, such a drug endorsing,  legend killing, depression causing, cunt.

Mother Nature

“I’m sorry, Miss Nature. I didn’t mean that, it wasn’t RAUtional thought. I still love tickling that twat of yours on the regular. I love you.”

Hugs and Drugs

Those Nebraska children will have the best of both worlds.

It was easy for me to blame Mother Nature for all that because its hard to face the truth… This is all Offseason Football’s fault. We live in a society, where most people are more worried about drama that affects nothing important whatsoever.  It honestly makes me cry.  But I cry in the shower, so no one sees my tears(my tears taste like Orange Julius, in case you were wondering).  Offseason Football has done the unthinkable…It has allowed this lifestyle to enter the game we love. Sports Center has turned into the tabloids.  We no longer get to hear about what actually happens on the field.  We get worthless garbage.

Example:

The Saint’s Bounty System:  For fuck’s sake.   This is nothing more than a “swear jar” system that is being blown out of proportion.  Every job has some kind of incentive if you’re good at stuff.   If the players do good things, they get small rewards.  In pee wee football, you get orange slices at halftime, but if you are on a winning streak they take you out for pizza parties and give you mimosas after games.  That doesn’t mean those kids need to claim those rewards on their taxes.  Kid’s don’t do taxes?  Ugh, Our youth today has no work ethic.  It’s in the player’s and coaches’ lingo to tell players to go out and kill the other players(OTHER PLAYERS being the key point RAY LEWIS).  At the earliest stages of the game we are taught to be mini Ivan Dragos on the field.  We need to crush and break everyone.  It’s fucking football.  These dudes don’t get paid 100 million dollars for no reason.  It is a dangerous game.  If we want to take out the rough portion of the game, pay the players like runners.  That is all they will be.  Runners.  If you ask someone if they will take 20 years off their life to make millions and be set for life, everyone says yes.  That is what these men do.  Of course you’re going to test other players at their weakness.  We don’t tell boxers not to aim for a gash opened above an eye.

Prefontaine, Pre

The future of the NFL. Short shorts, tank tops, running, and mustaches…It's not all bad, no current NFL player had TWO movies made about them. PRE!

I go on about just that example all day, but I should probably do some actual work at work (gotta make that money because I apparently have the financial prowess of Woody Harrelson in White Men Can’t Jump).  If this wasn’t going on in the offseason.  It would not be a big deal.  It would work its way out on the field.  We get nonstop trash all day long about players feelings (Lamar Kardashian), owners feelings (Manning/Irsay), and, the worst, where players will end up playing in 3 years after their contract is up (if they haven’t demanded a trade already). This is all shit that doesn’t matter but we make it matter because we have no football to watch.  We are one step away from Maury Povich (god bless his heart) intervening during interviews to announce that “Tim Tebow is or is not the father of Kim Kardashians’ baby”. I miss the 90’s sports.  Where shit was legit.  Mainly the 90’s NBA.  Men who you wouldn’t cross or ask about their feelings.  Mugsy Bogues would cut your face (standing on a stool of course), if you ever asked if he planned on leaving Charlotte.  Note to self: Buy a 90’s Charlotte Hornets Starter Jacket.  I won’t go too far into that right now.  That deserves its own piece.

In conclusion, I am going bald.  Yeah I didn’t finish this as strong as I would have liked, but my contract with TSANDA is up in a year, so I’m going to just phone this one in and think about where I’m going to write next year.  You can just call me DWrite Howard.  Plus, I’m sleepy due to a recently received hug, and I have no drugs to counteract the poison. Hug Poison.  Sounds like a good band name.  Better than my current band name, “Stale Croutons”

-Rau

Awesome Song of the Day:

Jack Penate

“Pull my heart away”

ANNIE LENNOX YOU MINX

Posted in Awesome, awesome song of the day, awesomness with tags , on April 17, 2012 by tsanda

Just a song tonight.  Have a guest post coming tomorrow. So get your beauty sleep you’re gonna need it after the guest poster melts your hearts and minds.

ANNIE LENNOX

WALKING ON BROKEN GLASS

I have no idea if I have used this song before.  Nor do I care.  I could use this song everyday and you would like it.

 

FOOD AWESOMENESS: A SMORGASBORD!

Posted in Awesome, awesome song of the day, awesomness, Bill Nye, blog, comedy, Dork, Explosions, Food, Humor, Science, Stuff, Stupid with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , on April 16, 2012 by tsanda

First and foremost. Go see Cabin in the Woods.  It is amazing.  I won’t tell you anything else.  You just have to go see it.  Then see it immediately again.

Know what I looked like after seeing it?

Scanners, Head Explosion

I am nice dresser when I go to the cinema.

I like food.  I post about it often.  Food makes our bodies work. It make us poop and fart and those things are half my material. It tastes great. It is awesome to have somebody drive my food to my house so I don’t have to stop watching the Real Housewives or Colombo.  It fuels my muscles so I can tear apart phone books at will or do a circuit of shirtless jumping jacks for the babes at the park.

Sigh.

It is usually really restrictive though. Like I order a pizza and they never just stop at chipotle and dairy queen for me on the way.  A man doesn’t have just one craving.  Men are hungry and indecisive. Who can save the day? Ikea.  I mean swedish people.

A smorgasbord is literally a giant table full of any food you want or can fit on the table.  It is all of my human desires laying on a table. You can’t be wrong on a smorgasbord.  Don’t have turkey on Thanksgiving?

Scanners, Head Explosion

NO TURKEY!!??!?!?! AHHHHHH BLAMO! Damn It Uncle Phil. You got brains on the nice table cloth again...

Don’t have jelly beans on your smorgasbord? No big deal.  We got Sour Patch Kids, 3 Dominos Pizzas and a half sour gallon of milk mixed with snapple and robatussin.

Even the word itself is fucking incredible.

“The Swedish word smörgåsbord consists of the words smörgås (open-faced sandwich) and bord (table). Smörgås in turn consists of the wordssmör (butter) and gås (goose). Gås literally means goose, but later referred to the small pieces of butter that formed and floated to the surface of cream while it was churned”

So it’s genieology is from an open faced sandwich on a table.  Great start.  What does open faced sandwich come from? Ohhh just a little butter goose.   Goose is gas? You already know how I feel about gas.

You could have a grilled cheese, Karl Malone, beggin strips, beanie weenies, a rocket launcher, lox, cake frosting, Dorito Tacos, a vhs copy of Tombstone recorded from TNT with the commercials, Wendy’s spicy chicken, a live chicken and a dead chicken to keep that fucking live chicken in line, dunkaroos, Ed 209, saltines, Mr. Pibb, 72 ounce steak, astronaut food, pop tarts and toaster struedal together as friends and everybody at the table would hold hands and thank some viking god, smergan flergan mcdergan (he’s partially scottish) and nobody would question anything.

Could you imagine the look on Bill Nye’s face when walking into our Valentines day Smorgasbord?

Well I’d have to take the velvet blindfold and handcuffs off first.  But then…

Bill Nye's head exploding. Scanners, Head Explosion

AHHHH SCIENCE! KAPOW!

I assume Bill Nye will yell Ahhh Science prior to dying. Why? Well it’s our safety word.

On that note.

AWESOME SONG OF THE DAY

Julian Plenti

Only If You Run

Whey are you reading this? Go see Cabin in the Woods!