FOOD AWESOMENESS: A SMORGASBORD!
First and foremost. Go see Cabin in the Woods. It is amazing. I won’t tell you anything else. You just have to go see it. Then see it immediately again.
Know what I looked like after seeing it?
I like food. I post about it often. Food makes our bodies work. It make us poop and fart and those things are half my material. It tastes great. It is awesome to have somebody drive my food to my house so I don’t have to stop watching the Real Housewives or Colombo. It fuels my muscles so I can tear apart phone books at will or do a circuit of shirtless jumping jacks for the babes at the park.
It is usually really restrictive though. Like I order a pizza and they never just stop at chipotle and dairy queen for me on the way. A man doesn’t have just one craving. Men are hungry and indecisive. Who can save the day? Ikea. I mean swedish people.
A smorgasbord is literally a giant table full of any food you want or can fit on the table. It is all of my human desires laying on a table. You can’t be wrong on a smorgasbord. Don’t have turkey on Thanksgiving?
Don’t have jelly beans on your smorgasbord? No big deal. We got Sour Patch Kids, 3 Dominos Pizzas and a half sour gallon of milk mixed with snapple and robatussin.
Even the word itself is fucking incredible.
“The Swedish word smörgåsbord consists of the words smörgås (open-faced sandwich) and bord (table). Smörgås in turn consists of the wordssmör (butter) and gås (goose). Gås literally means goose, but later referred to the small pieces of butter that formed and floated to the surface of cream while it was churned”
So it’s genieology is from an open faced sandwich on a table. Great start. What does open faced sandwich come from? Ohhh just a little butter goose. Goose is gas? You already know how I feel about gas.
You could have a grilled cheese, Karl Malone, beggin strips, beanie weenies, a rocket launcher, lox, cake frosting, Dorito Tacos, a vhs copy of Tombstone recorded from TNT with the commercials, Wendy’s spicy chicken, a live chicken and a dead chicken to keep that fucking live chicken in line, dunkaroos, Ed 209, saltines, Mr. Pibb, 72 ounce steak, astronaut food, pop tarts and toaster struedal together as friends and everybody at the table would hold hands and thank some viking god, smergan flergan mcdergan (he’s partially scottish) and nobody would question anything.
Could you imagine the look on Bill Nye’s face when walking into our Valentines day Smorgasbord?
Well I’d have to take the velvet blindfold and handcuffs off first. But then…
I assume Bill Nye will yell Ahhh Science prior to dying. Why? Well it’s our safety word.
On that note.
AWESOME SONG OF THE DAY
Only If You Run
Whey are you reading this? Go see Cabin in the Woods!